


NEXT DOOR

by Briallen



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, College AU, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Neighbors, Public Attack, School Shootings, Shooting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 23:41:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 98,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21707596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Briallen/pseuds/Briallen
Summary: "This tiny boy with shiny smile and piercing big blue eyes, with so much words to say, with his always good mood, with his stupid annoying pretty face, he's all fake. Fake. Fake fake fake.Boys might not see it, but Eliott does. Eliott noticed. He can't lie to Eliott, Eliott doesn't buy it. It's fake. He's not buying his bullshits.Nobody can be this sun and joy and positive all the fucking time."or: a story in which Lucas is pure sunshine with secrets and Eliott is suspicious prick.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 317
Kudos: 458





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like a piece of shit.  
> I´m posting this just to be forced to write more and more and I have like chapter 4 and 5 98% done and I need to get out of this mess my brain is lately and write chapter 2 and 3.  
> Also I have no clue where this story will go. But definitely to happy cheesy loving elu, because what is the point, otherwise, right?
> 
> Little warning: english is not my mother language and when I don´t know some word, I make it up.

...

SATURDAY

Eliott falls on the bed and sighs with relief.  
He´s so damn happy to be back. To be back with his friends. To be back here, in campus, having his freedom again. He was so excited, because he loves it here. He loves his room in their dorm, he loves his art classes.  
He loves everything here. 

New semester starting in a few days and he honestly can´t fucking wait. Yeah, you can call him nerd, he loves college. 

And when he lays there, chewing another nicotin gum, listening Idriss and Sofiane fighting about shelves in the kitchen, he feels home. 

...

The boys are back in campus for a while now, but Eliott was in Spain for last minute cheap ticket, so he came here week later than others. 

Still. It feels so good to be back. 

You know, Eliott loves his parents, yes, but what he doesn´t love is the fact that they keep controlling him. They keep watching him, looking after him, asking him where he goes, where he was, at what time he´ll come back home, everything. They want to know everything. 

And Eliott doesn´t want to give them answers, because he´s twenty-fucking-one year old man and he deserves some of his own privacy, no? 

So he really couldn´t wait to come back here, to have it. Have it all. Private life. His friends. School with art classes. Coffee shop sessions. Game nights with boys. Everything. 

Everything exactly like it used to be last year.

...

Everything is completely different than last year. 

It starts with sharing news. 

"Oh fuck, heyyy!" Alex screams when he enters the apartment and sees Eliott on the couch. "You´re back, finally, man!" he goes and fist bump with Eliott, then pats him on his shoulder. 

"You arrived two days ago, what are you talking about, " Eliott says, "Good to see your stupid face again," he laughs and Alex snorts. 

"Not for long, bro," says Sofiane, coming to them from his room. 

Eliott is confused. "What do you mean?"

Alex sighs and sits down next to him. "I´m leaving to Belgium for the upcoming semester."

"What the fuck?" Eliott almost yells. 

"Told you he won´t be happy about that," says Sofiane, raising an eyebrow to Alex. 

"Yeah, they accepted my application for the last minute I swear I didn´t know - well, not for sure - until last week," Alex raises his hands in defend.

Eliott sighs, burrying himself further into the couch. 

"When?"

"When what?"

"When you fucking leaving?" Eliott gets a little grumpy. 

"Sunday, next week," says Alex. "Aww, will you miss me, honey?" he says in awkward voice and laughs when Eliott shoves him to his arm. 

"Don´t worry, mec, game night at friday. Goodbye party for Alex," says Sofiane and winks at Eliott. 

Okay, yeah, Eliott would like to have a good game night with his friends again. 

"Where are the others?" Alex asks, when he sees Idriss coming from the kitchen to sit with them.

"They´ll be here any minute," says Sofiane. "Lucas can´t come tonight."

"Oh no! Why?" Idriss looks really unhappy with that news. "You guys are boring as fuck, it would be better with Lucas." 

"Hey!" says Sofiane, offended. "Okay yeah, I can´t even be mad at you, you´re right."

"Yeah, I am," says Idriss with laugh," Lucas is hilarious, that´s the fact and fact only."

Eliott stares at them because what the-

"Who the fuck is Lucas?" he asks, confused. 

"Oh shit, right! You two didn´t meet him yet!" Idriss stares at Eliott and Alex with wide eyes, smiling. 

Eliott looks at Alex, but he just shrugs, all chill.

Who is not chill at all, is Eliott. 

He wants to ask about more informations but the door swings open and Arthur and Yann enter the room, all grinning and greeting Eliott and all is good for a minute. 

When the minute passes, all is wrong.

"Something new with you two?" asks Eliott as he greets with them and they all sitting with a beer cans in hands. 

"Oh, nothing much, my mother brought home another cat," Arthur rolls his eyes. "I´m so happy I don´t have to be home right now, oof." Boys laugh and Arthur adds: "That´s not fucking funny, these monsters shitting all over my stuff!" But that only makes the boys laugh harder. 

"Nothing much, that´s right..." says Yann after they all calm down. "Oh! We have a new roomie!" his dark eyes go wide and Arthur´s too as he snaps him to his arm.

"Fuck, yes! We have new roommate!" he says, too excited for Eliott´s understanding. 

"Why are you so happy about it?" asks Eliott.

"Yeah, I thought you both love that you have all flat to yourself. What changed?" asks Alex. 

"Well, they apparantely found out we have dorm with three bedrooms for only two people in it, so they put there this boy, he´s in second year like us, but he´s new here, he changed school in last moment," Yann explains. 

"And you´re okay with that?" asks Eliott.

"Yeah, man, he´s so cool! He´s nice and funny, and he has the blueest eyes I´ve ever seen," says Arthur. "And he´s eating those pink chewing gums all the time so he smells nice and sweet, it´s cute."

"That´s true," Idriss agrees, raises his beer can and takes a sip. 

"Woah, Art, you like him too much, no?" Alex laughs but Arthur isn´t even a little ashamed. 

"I´m telling you, mec, if I wasn´t happy with Chris already, I would be a little into him. I´m not gonna lie. He´s really pretty. And hot."

Eliott stares at him for a moment before he turns to Yann with raised eyebrows.

"What?" says Yann. "What can I say? He´s right. Like, I´m not into him, it´s just Arthur´s gay part of his bisexual ass jumps out a lot, when we met him last week," Yann laughs and boys with him.

"But he´s right," says Sofiane. "Lucas is really nice and good looking guy."

Here it is. 

The name again.

"Lucas?" asks Eliott.

"Yeah, that´s him, Lucas. We have to make a meeting for you to get to know him," says Arthur enthusiastically. "You´ll see he´s fine."

"I really think that in the end you will like him the most of us, Eliott," says Idriss and winks at him. "He´s exactly you´re type."

"How the fuck could you know anything about my type?" says Eliott. He´s not happy. No. He´s irritated about new member of they squad. And no, he doesn´t care he didn´t even meet him yet. He wanted to have everything exactly like last year, because it was really awesome year in college. 

But no. New stupid boy had to come and ruin everything for him. 

"Just guessing," says Idriss and shrugs.

"The meeting would be great," says Alex. "I want to see that miracle myself," he laughs and Eliott couldn´t than agree with him. 

Yeah, show me that cool nice pretty Lucas, thinks Eliott, so I can make my own opinion. 

Eliott is pretty sure that this boy called Lucas sucks. 

...

MONDAY

Eliott walks across the yard at university campus and he feels so light. 

He stops for a moment, closes his eyes and takes a deep inhale and exhale. 

He loves it here. 

Somebody bumps into his back, almost make him fall. 

"Jesus! Watch out, dude!" calls this too-masculine short-haired boy over his shoulder, the group of his friends (or clones? Eliott can´t really recognize one from another) laughs.

Yeah. He loves it here. 

...

TUESDAY

Alex met Lucas. 

He told Eliott when they´re sitting in this vintage diner with Idriss and Sofiane, eating waffles with maple syrup.

"I don´t know, man, he´s cool I guess, I talked with him for like thirty seconds," says Alex. But he usually doesn´t talking too much, so Eliott really didn´t expect to learn more about that new one from Alex. 

Eliott is not sure anymore if he wants to meet that guy at all. He doesn´t really know why, he just feels like he wants everything to be like before. Like last year. Just him and his closest friends. 

No one new. 

Eliott doesn´t like changes. 

...

WEDNESDAY

Everything changed. 

Eliott met Lucas today. 

He walks from his art class that day in the afternoon, he was happy because he absolutely love his new art professor. That old man has so much to say about art. He talks so delicately about sculptures and statues. He talks about that like he lived that. 

And he´s a really great artist himself.

Eliott impulsively signed up for his art workshop for this very evening. 

Eliott feels good. He doesn´t even care about that heat he was complaining about at lunch. It´s really hot day. October just started and instead of autumn weather it´s summer again, girls wearing short skirts and dresses, boys walking around in shorts and tank tops.  
Eliott has grey slim jeans and black t-shirt, but he´s okay. He´s good. 

Until he isn´t.

"Eliott!" firstly he doesn´t hear it. 

"Hey, Eliott!" he looks around and sees Arthur, Yann and Idriss standing from across to him. "Come here!" Idriss yells at him. 

Eliott goes, because he´s in a really good mood and he has two more hours until he has to go to that evening workshop.  
Only when he´s standing next to Idriss, he realizes the other person between Yann and Arthur. 

And well, fuck. 

He´s tiny. Okay so not tiny, but shorter than the boys. Brown fluffy hair, too bright smile full of white teeth, the shape of nose what recalls the thought of some kind of animal in Eliott´s mind, not really knowing which one, yet. What Eliott wasn´t prepare for, like, at fucking all, are these eyes. 

What Athur said the other day? The "blueest" eyes he´d ever seen?

That´s the biggest understatement in history. 

This is not blue.

This is

SOMETHING else. 

Something out of this world. 

Is this even a proper color?

His sparkle eyes and his gaze lying on Eliott is not pleasant at all. His eyes are like laser beams. They´re piercing. It burns. It burns on Eliott´s skin. 

"Eliott, this is Lucas," says Idriss. "Lucas, it´s really pleasure for me to finally introduce you Eliott," Idriss´ shit eating grin is not something Eliott would like to see now.

"Oh my goodness hi," says Lucas in this soft voice, reaching a hand to shake with Eliott´s. "I heard about you so much, you´re the artist, right? I wouldn´t even guess, it´s amazing," he grins at Eliott so wide and boys giggles. 

Eliott doesn´t smile. He ignores his hand, staring back at Lucas with cold unimpressed face. 

"What that suppose to mean?" he says instead of greeting. 

"Just that all artists I met so far were usually those hippie styled dudes with dreadlocks and several piercings all over their faces and you look just so... good," says that boy and a slight blush appears on his cheeks just to dissapear in a few seconds. His wide smile gets shy. 

Idriss and Arthur laughs and Yann is not far from that too. 

"Maybe I was just in a really wierd company back then..." says Lucas and laughs a little too. 

Eliott doesn´t laugh. 

"Probably," says Eliott, shifts his bag on his shoulders. 

"Yeah, you look so good, Eliott, didn´t you ever think about dreadlocks, huh?" says Idriss and laughs again. "You would finally look like true artist, don´t you think?" 

"Fuck off," says Eliott. 

"What kind of art you create?" asks Lucas, not even a little bit ashamed or anything. He´s just... right here, looks all friendly and according to Eliott really freaking stupid with this brighteness and sunshine energy all over him. 

"Whatever," Eliott shrugs. Okay he doesn´t know why he´s so annoyed by this boy. He in fact didn´t do anything wrong. Eliott looks at him. He has black jeans and long-sleeved t-shirt.  
What the fuck?  
It´s like hundread degrees, how can he be wearing clothes like this? Arthur and Yann, they both wearing shorts and t-shirts. Idriss has this unbuttoned shirt over his tank. 

And Lucas is not even a little sweaty. He´s all fresh, smelling good and shit. 

Lucas stands here in black slim jeans and loosen grey long-sleeved t-shirt, too long for him, sleeves above his palms, the bottom hem of that falling over his hips, almost half the lenght of his thighs.  
The collar is too big, shoving his collarbones to the world. 

And grey vans.

What a lame outfit. 

What a lame boy. 

"Are you a sculptor, too? Oh god that´s so cool! I heard about that Michelangelo once said something about one of his statues that the angel - i think - was just trapped in the piece of marble and he just had to let him out," Lucas speaks too cheerfuly, too excitingly, too much. 

"No no no, buddy, Eliott is not sculptor, like, at all," says Arthur and laughs. "He tried once and... well... it was pretty scary."

Okay yeah, Eliott is not good in this kind of art but his paintings are really great, you know? They are. And his drawings. Amazing. He knows they are. 

"Well... I´m sure your art must be breathtaking," says Lucas and smiles at him. All warm and sunny. 

"It´s pretty dangerous saying that, don´t you think?" Eliott asks. 

"What? Why dangerous?" Lucas´ still smiling. Confused, but smiling. How is that even possible?

"That you´re sure about something you know shit about, actually," Eliott says and watches how Lucas´ smile slowly fading away and his eyes are not as sparkly as they were a second ago. 

Then Lucas smiles again, close-mouthed, but still wide. "Yeah, you´re right," he says quietly. "I´m sorry," he adds, looks down. 

Eliott catches Idriss´ eyes. He´s watching Eliott, taken aback, like he wants to say ´what the hell, man´  
but he doesn´t say anything. 

Yann puts his hand around Lucas´ shoulders, rubs his arm and Lucas grins at him. 

Eliott doesn´t fucking need to wittness that. The freaking light shining from Lucas makes his head ache. 

"I have art workshop to go to, bye," says Eliott and leaves, just like that, before any of the guys can say a word. 

When he walks around the university buildings, he realizes the change of air. Something´s missing. Something was there before and now it´s not.  
Later, when he´s sitting in the hall, listening the old professor´s speech, chewing three nicotine gums at one, he realizes what is it.

The sweet smell of pink chewing gums is gone. 

...

It gets worse. 

When Eliott comes home that evening, the flat is empty. 

He left the workshop around 9pm. He feels a little wierd, because it was mostly about sculptures. The old professor was talking and students were creating. Four. Four students there. Eliott was glad he can work in peace. And he didn´t get it. Why people didn´t want to come? That wise old man is really nice. 

Eliott was working on the little angel statue. They received piece of some mild stone for the work.

Why angel?

He didn´t even know where he came to that idea...

Anyways, the flat is empty. It´s half past nine. It´s school tomorrow. Where are the boys? 

Eliott pulls out his phone. No messages from any of the boys. Great. 

And then he sees it. It´s all over the instagram. Boys are out. With him. With Lucas.  
There are three photos on Idriss´ account, where he carries Lucas on his back. Wide bright smiles and Eliott is sure he would find the happy tears if he looks better. But he doesn´t want to.  
In Sofiane´s stories there are videos of Lucas walking on his hands, doing backflip from short wall, standing on his head, and Eliott thinks: who the fuck is he? Didn´t he run away from cirque?  
On Yann´s account there is this photo of him, Lucas and Arthur. It´s silly. Lucas with his sweet stupid smile standing between the two of them who hugging him like he was their baby or what.  
Even Alex on his account has one story with Lucas in the background.

Eliott is sick of it. They went out without him. And with Lucas. 

He´s jealous. And mad. 

He goes to his room, then out again, doesn´t really know what to do with himself.  
Then he goes to the bathroom and takes a long long shower, waiting to the point where all hot water is almost gone.

When Eliott comes out from the bathroom, squeeky clean, boys still aren´t home and it´s 10pm gone. He puts his pajamas on, takes something to eat but he isn´t really hungry.

He´s angry. 

He marches around the flat for god knows how long, when finally the door opens and Idriss with Sofiane calling their goodbyes to the others, because yeah, don´t forget Yann, Arthur and now Lucas too living in the flat next door. 

"Oh my god, he´s the best," Idriss sighs and Sofiane laughs. 

"Oh, Eliott, you´re up?" Sofiane asks with honest suprise in his face. 

"Eliott! You should have bailed on your workshop or whatever and go with us! It was the best! The best time, I swear!" Idriss yells at him, apparantely drunk. 

Eliott has enough. He looks at them, turns around, goes to his room and slams the door shut behind him. 

...

FRIDAY

Eliott is sitting in the coffee shop after his classes with Idriss, Sofiane and Alex, when Yann and Arthur come inside and sit with them.

"Hey guys," they all greet the others, like they didn't see each other this very morning.

"You good, bro?" says Yann to Alex.

"Yeah, why?"

"I mean, you leaving in two days, how are you feeling?" says Yann and places his hand on Alex's shoulder.

"It's just one semester in neighboring country man, I'm not leaving for war or something," says Alex, amused, and Yann laughs.

"Yeah, right, so all good."

They chat, nothing important, planning evening games at Eliott's, Idriss' and Sofiane's flat, nothing interesting enough for Eliott to join the conversation.

He likes this, actually. He likes hanging out with his friends. With Idriss and Sofiane, they are friends from elementary school, with Alex since high school and Yann and Arthur are cool dudes too, they met them here, as they live next to them in campus.

And he didn't hear about their new roommate since wednesday evening so he's happy about that too. 

But it's Eliott. So in that very moment this thought appears in his head, he sees him at the counter.

Fuck.

Messy hair, black denim jacket, long lose creamy white t-shirt falling over his black slim jeans. It´s hot day. Again. Not as much as in wednesday but still. And he´s wearing a jacket. 

What the hell. 

"Oh, hey, there's Lucas," says Arthur as he notices him too (much to Eliott's displeasure) and then calls "Hey, Lucas!"

Lucas turns to them and wide grin appears on his face immediately.

Oh yeah, Eliott thinks, of course, they all eating that to him. Eliott looks after faces of all his friends and really. These boys all look so stupidly happy to see him, with their nice smiles and greetings, when Lucas appears at their table.

"Hi guys, all good?" says Lucas and fist-bumps with Yann and Arthur. Eliott almost snorts at that sight.

Really?

They know him like... A week? Maybe two? And they already have this thing with him?

Eliott rolls his eyes.

"Come and sit with us," says Sofiane and Eliott tries to kill him with his eyes.

Unsuccesfully.

"I don't really want to interrupt whatever you up to, guys," says Lucas a little shy and waves a hand at them.

What game do you play? Seriously. Eliott doesn't buy him that. But yeah, sure, don't interrupt and LEAVE.

"You don't interrupting anything, Lucas, come and take a place," says Idriss kindly.

"Yeah c'mon man," says Alex and boys all nodding.

Holy shit, seriously? Eliott is not happy with that, at all. He picks up his caramel latté and takes a sip to stop himself from groaning when he sees Lucas taking a chair and sitting next to Arthur and Yann.

"How you doing?" asks Sofiane and Lucas smiles. He's always smiling, it's wierd.

"I'm good, good, I won't stay long, I have to go-"

"Green tea please!" calls out the barista and Lucas stands up and goes for the drink. Eliott's watching him as he thanks the boy with glasses and smiles at him and he thinks he hears him to wish the barista a wonderful day.  
Is he serious?  
The boy blushes and Lucas comes back and sits.

"You don't drink coffee?" asks Sofiane.

"Nope, it's not for me," Lucas says to him. "Besides, in tea is mostly bigger amount of cafeine than in coffee, actually. But truth to be told, when I have some kind of success, I celebrate it with hot chocolate." Lucas laughs and Eliott snorts, thinking that boys start to mocking Lucas now, but no, not a single one of them says a word, just nodding in understanding.

Oh my god, what's happening here?

Eliott's eyes snap back to Lucas and he's looking back, little smile on his lips. Eliott looks down and takes another sip from his mug.

"So, you're gay?" says Alex out of nowhere, looking at Lucas. Arthur slaps him in the arm and Idriss frowns at him.

But Lucas smiles. Because OF COURSE he does.

"Hm.. What makes you think that?" he asks.

"Uh.. The rainbow flag pin on your jacket?" points Alex.

Lucas looks down like he forget he have that there. But yes, it's there, rainbow flag pin on his jacket pocket.

"Or the rainbow pin on your backpack?" adds Alex.

Lucas looks at Alex with challenging eyes.

"Maybe I just really like rainbows," he says and shrugs.

"Yeah, who doesn't?" says Arthur and shrugs too before he takes a sip from his cappucino.

"Hm..." says Alex, not fully convinced.

"It's non of your bussiness actually, but even if you're not gay, you always should be a supporter," says Lucas with strange glint in his eyes and serious expression but Eliott could swear he sees a hint of smile in the corner of his lips.

"I guess," says Alex and his cheeks go red.

"Excuse him, Lucas, he's being rude. We have no problem with anyone's sexuality," says Idriss and looks at Eliott with raised eyebrow and a smile.

Lucas noticed, his eyes fly to Eliott with curious look.

"Really, it's totally okay if you are or not gay and we all" - he looks at Alex - "are supporters."

"I was mocking you, it's okay Alex and if you guys need to know then yes, I'm gay," says Lucas with smile and shrugs. Really, like he was talking about the color of his shoes (which are mint green vans by the way).

Eliott's looking at him and thinks, what it is with this boy? What is his skeleton in the closet? What is he hiding?

He doesn't know yet, but, it's definitely something wierd about him. 

"Okay guys, I have to go, I have classes, have fun!" says Lucas - too cheerfully for Eliott's liking - and stands up.

"Wait, Lucas!" Yann called after him, Lucas turns back to face them. "We have game night tonight, want to join us?"

And really, Eliott wants to slap him. It's their night. Not some random guy's who just had the luck to move in with Arthur and Yann for next semester or so.

Lucas smiles so wide his white teeth almost shining and Eliott has to look away. Annoying. His cheery mood is annoying.

"Really? Yes I would love to," says and grins at them all.

"Okay, great, I'll text you more info later," says Yann with kind smile and nods at him, then Lucas turns away and leaves.

"Why did you do that?" asks Eliott immediately when the door closed behind Lucas.

"What?" asks Yann, confused.

"Why you had to invite him? He's not our friend," Eliott frowns and ignores curious looks at Idriss' and Sofiane's faces.

"He is, I mean... He is mine and Arthur's friend, he's our roommate," Yann shrugs.

"Yeah, but roommate doesn't mean a friend," Eliott mumbles grumpily.

"Hey, man, you okay?" asks Idriss, put his hand on Eliott's shoulder.

"You know, Lucas is really cool," says Arthur and Yann nods in agreement. "He moved in and told us he doesn't want to bother us with anything and he just... asks us about everything just to make sure it's not problem for us.. He's really thoughtfull."

Oh yeah, so he's perfect, huh? Eliott thinks.

"Yeah man, and he plays the guitar so well-"

"What? He has a guitar there?" asks Alex excitedly.

"He has," says Arthur, "and he's excelent cook, really."

Eliott's frown get deeper.

"Aww, Eliott, don't be jealous," says Idriss teasily. "You're great cook too, we love your food."

"I'm not fucking jealous, jesus, I just don't understand why you all are all over him when you don't even know him."

He's not fucking jealous. For fucksake.

"It's Alex's party, anyways. He's the one who leaving, remember?" says Eliott.

"I have no problem with him, actually, I think he´s pretty cool," says Alex and, well, Eliott is in it all alone, is he.

"Okay, whatever," he sighs, rezignated.

Eliott feels sudden need to excuse himself and not going to their game night. Few things stop him in making poor excuses:  
1) it's Alex's night and Alex is his friend  
2) it's in his own apartment for godsake  
3) it's his own fucking friends  
4) there is no fucking way Eliott lets this 'amazing cool perfect' Lucas with his friends alone. Not again.  
5) that's it, no escape for him tonight

Fucking hell. 

...

FRIDAY

What is he doing? Why is he talking too much? Annoying annoying voice. Oh god, how one person, so tiny like this boy, can be annoying like this?  
Eliott should kiss him. Not because he wants to - god no - but because it´s in all movies, no? Kiss the one who talks so much to shut him up.  
Yeah, he should, he should definitely kiss him to stop him and all his annoying talking.

Little jerk.

Yes, Eliott is sure he's a jerk. He's hiding something. He's pretending. He's lying to all of us, all of the boys and they are apparantely okay with that.

Why they don't see?

Why they don't see, when it's so fucking obvious?

This tiny boy with shiny smile and piercing big blue eyes, with so much words to say, with his always good mood, with his stupid annoying pretty face, he's all fake. Fake. Fake fake fake.

Boys might not see it, but Eliott does. Eliott noticed. He can't lie to Eliott, Eliott doesn't buy it. It's fake. He's not buying his bullshits.

Nobody can be this sun and joy and positive all the fucking time.

Eliott should be kissing him, stop him in this stupid talking bullshits his friends apparantely buying. Eliott's watching his lips moving, the sign of smile always there, the wide grin with white teeth, the lips pressed in thin line for a moment, then the grinning again, talking, pink tongue dancing inside with every word.

He should be kissing him to stop this annoying rambling about nothing fucking important. Nothing relevant. Just bullshits. Eliott would know if he actually listen, but that's under his level. It's stupid.

Stupid boy.

Boys laughing while Lucas telling this story Eliott doesn't hear because he's too busy with frowning. He's not gonna listen to him. He's not. He's not gonna support him in lying to his friends' faces.

"Eliott. Eliott, hey," Idriss shakes with him.

"What?" Eliott looks at him and see the amused smile. All of them watching him now. "What are you looking at, idiots?" says Eliott.

"Nothing," Idriss raise his hands in offense. "You just little zoomed out or something."

Eliott shakes his head and presses his palms to his eyes for a moment. Boys starts talking again and he sighs, removes the palms just to be met with blue eyes.

"You okay?" asks Lucas with a little frown, like he would be worried, which is fake, okay? He's so fucking fake oh my god.

"Why wouldn't I?" Eliott asks with cold voice.

Lucas shrugs. "You seemed lost in thoughts."

"And?"

"Nothing, sorry," Lucas smiles at him with this stupid cute stupid little smile (which is all fake of course) and joins the conversation going between Arthur and Yann.

Eliott stands up and goes to the kitchen, make himself another coffee. He needs it. So what that it's 10pm? He needs cigarette too, but he doesn´t take it. That´s why he´s eating those nicotine gums all the damn time, because he´s trying to quit smoking.  
It´s going pretty well past month or so, so he´s NOT let some stupid boy ruin his hard work to him. 

He's gonna find out, what is that with Lucas. What is his secret. Why is he so clingy, so talkative, so cool and funny and all smiles like some stupid sunshine. It's all fucking fake.

Eliott's gonna find out.

Soon.

Before this stupid cute annoying jerk - did he say stupid already? - steels all his friends.

So Eliott is in the kitchen, he doesn´t want to listening that anymore (not that he payed attention anyways). 

He just wants to make his coffee when someone enters the kitchen. 

"Hey."

And that someone is fucking awesome Lucas. 

Eliott turns to him and his smile and his freaking blue gaze, checks him up and down with unimpressed look and turns back to the kettle.

"How was your friday?" asks Lucas behind him, Eliott clenches his jaw. 

"Why do you care?" 

"I don´t know, you seem a little down so it makes me think something not really good happened today. Is everything okay?" Lucas sounds genuinely concerned. It pisses Eliott of. He turns to Lucas, leans back to kitchen counter and folds his hands. 

"Even if something happened today, what makes you fucking think you´re the one I would want to talk to about that? Or anything, at all?"

Lucas stares at him for a moment, smile is completely gone and then he looks down, blinking. When he looks up again, he´s not meeting Eliott´s eyes and lets out a little shaky laugh.

"I don´t think that, seriously, Eliott, I just thought that-"

"Why would I care what you think?" Eliott interrupts him. And when Lucas is about to say something else, Eliott walks out the kitchen, passes the boys in living room and he´s out of the door in a few seconds. 

He changed his mind. 

He can´t stay in his own apartment anymore and no, he doesn´t fucking care he´s out of their friend group thing again and Lucas is in, again. 

He can´t breathe there. 

He has to go. 

So when he angrily walks down the street without any destination, he´s trying not to think about blue gaze, trying not to scream with frustration that the new school year started so differently than he thought it will, trying not to think about that dwarf who slowly stealing his friends from him. 

Fuck it all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliott grabs the guy´s jacket and pull him away from Lucas. 
> 
> "What the hell-" the asshole starts but Eliott doesn´t let him.
> 
> "Get the fuck out of here," he hisses with stormy eyes. 
> 
> "Or what?" says the idiot. He´s almost as tall as Eliott.  
> Almost.
> 
> "Or you will regret the day you were born," says Eliott in threat, voice low, flashes in grey eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. Another chapter. It´s total mess but let me tell you it´s surely ON PURPOSE because Eliott´s mind is currently a mess (and not because of MI but because of concrete tiny beautiful boy *coughs*). Take it or leave it. 
> 
> And another little note: I have no damn clue about college because I never go to one, I started working right after my high school. So everything is made up by me, please have mercy on me. 
> 
> TW: homophobic behaviour; violence; talking about mental disorder;

...

SATURDAY

When Eliott wakes up at saturday, it´s already past noon. 

He came back to flat around midnight at night from his angry walk around the city. Did he calm down a little? No. He still really hard dislikes Lucas. He couldn´t make himself come to some rational explanation why. He couldn´t make himself to find a way to not hate him so much. It´s just that something is wrong with him. Something is so fake about him. And Eliott wants to know what it is. Why is he doing this. Is this all game for him? Make some friends and secretely laugh to their naivity? 

Fucking hell.

  
Eliott eventually gets up from bed and walks to the kitchen. Idriss and Sofiane sit there around a table, talking, but they stop when they notice Eliott. 

"Hi," says Eliott and goes to the counter to make some coffee. God he really wants a cigarette now. 

"Good morning, sleepy head," says Sofiane in light tone like always, he´s truly the best. On the other hand, Idriss doesn´t look so nice today. 

"When did you come home?" he asks with detached voice. 

"I don´t know exactly, around midnight I guess," Eliott shrugs and with his coffee mug comes to sit with them to the table.

Idriss hums. "Want to share with us where have you been? Alone? At night?"

Eliott shrugs again. "Just went for a walk, that´s all." 

  
He´s trying. He´s trying to act normal. He´s trying to not be mad at them because they like Lucas. Okay so what? They like Lucas. He doesn´t. He doesn´t have to. And when he´ll find out what´s that boy hiding, they won´t like him either, anyways. He can be normal about that for some time. 

"Eliott, you got out from this flat like a fucking flash, we couldn´t even register what´s happening," Idriss says and Eliott knows he´s a little mad. 

"Nothing´s happening," says Eliott and sips from his mug. The coffee is bitter and that´s exactly what he needs right now. 

"Eliott!" Idriss says louder and slams his hand to the table, Sofiane pats his arm to calm him down. Eliott watches that, unimpressed, really, because what the hell.   
"You´re so selfish, Eliott. I was worried about you! You didn´t even answering our texts or calls, I was worried something could happen to you, don´t you understand?"

Eliott pats his sweatpants pockets but his phone is not there. It´s probably on his nightstand. 

"Okay, I´m sorry. I just wanted some time alone, that´s all. I felt a little overhelmed, nothing more," he says, making an excuse and hopes they´ll understand. 

"Overhelmed?" says Sofiane. "Overhelmed with what?" 

Shit.

"I-I don´t know, with everything. New semester just started and I already signed up to this art workshop every wednesday and...and... and I was really excited to see you again, to see all the boys together again, and now Alex is leaving a-and the new b- anyways," he takes a deep breath, "it was just a little too much emotions for a minute, so I left to have some fresh air."

Boys stare at him. 

"Sorry I made you worry about me. I´m okay," he says in a softer voice. 

"Okay, yeah, I totally understand, bro," says Sofiane and caresses his arm. Eliott smiles at him. 

"Yeah, okay, just, Eliott, next time please send a text or something just so we know for sure you´re okay and that it´s not another episode or-"  
Sofiane slaps Idriss´ arm, Eliott´s smile is gone. 

He inhales deeply, trying to calm down but he´s pissed now. He´s pissed. 

"Not everything is a _fucking episode_ , Idriss! Sometimes I just want to have a one fucking _quiet_ moment!" 

"I know, I´m sorry, I´m sorry, I didn´t mean to say that, mec, seriously!" Idriss raises his hands in defend, looking guilty. 

"I thought you guys are the ones who never see me just as my fucking disorder, but here we are, fuck!" Eliott yells. 

"Eliott calm down, you´re yelling like crazy-" Sofiane covers his mouth with his hand the very moment those words slips out of his lips. 

"Oh my fucking god..." Eliott sighs.

"I-I mean..." Idriss tries to, what? Save the situation? _Late, bro, too late._ "I just wanted to know you´re okay, that´s all."

Eliott stands up, holding the mug close his chest. 

"You know what? You acting just like Lucille. Obsessed controlling bitch," says Eliott, turns away and walks to his room. "That´s why I was so glad when I finally ridded of her," he says and slams his door behind him. 

...

WEDNESDAY

Eliott didn´t see Lucas for twelve days (not that he´s counting that, because he´s definitely NOT). He feels better. He feels like everything was like it used to be, before.   
Before Lucas. 

After the fight with Idriss and Sofiane last saturday, they had a really quiet sunday. Nobody wanted to talk or associate, so they were hiding in their rooms, going out only for food or coffee. Eliott ate all his nicotine gums and had to go for another at one point, but that was all. 

On Monday Idriss came home with two packs of beer and Sofiane brought grilled chicken. They had game night and chill, just the three of them, and everything was okay again. That´s how it works between them. Neither of them like to talk about his feelings or some shit so, they just get a beer together and all is good again. 

...

On Wednesday Eliott went to his art workshop, they put their little sculptures away for a while and they were working with charcoal. Eliott is really good at that so he was really happy about it. He was happy with his results and he was happy with his new favourite professor´s comment about his work. 

...

On thursday, they had usual coffee shop session with Yann and Arthur as well. Lucas wasn´t there. He didn´t even came for his fucking green tea. When Idriss asked about Lucas (because Eliott didn´t care), Arthur said

"He has classes. He´s kinda busy these days."

"Classes? I miss him! Didn´t see him since friday," said Idriss and pouted, Sofiane nodded in agreement. Eliott rolled his eyes. 

"Yeah, we barely see him at home, actually. He´s coming back only for sleep," said Yann. 

"That´s right. But what can we expect, with two majors, right..." Arthur raised eyebrows and sipped from his coconut latté. 

"Wait, what?" Sofiane shook his head and leaned over the table. "Lucas has two majors?"

Yann nodded and shrugged.

"Why? He has to have shit ton of classes. And twice more studying, no? And what about exams, what the fuck?" Sofiane was really curious about that. 

Eliott didn´t care. He really didn´t. So what Lucas has two majors? Not that anyone _forced him_ to it, right? It´s his own decission. Shitty fucked up decission, if you ask Eliott, but still his own. 

"Oh, so he´s a smart ass, too, huh," said Eliott under his hand rubbing his nose.

"Hm..." Arthur narrowed his eyes.

"He´s kinda genius, that´s right," said Yann.

Eliott sighed and finnished his mocca. 

...

On friday, they had another game night, this time at Yann´s and Arthur´s flat. 

"Oh my god, this is pure heaven!" said Idriss with full mouth. "Guys, seriously, what is this delicious thing?"

Yann chuckled. "Blueberry muffins, mec." He shrugged. 

"And here, my personal favourites, chocolate ones," Arthur came from kitchen and put the plate down on the table.

"I didn´t know you can bake? Art?" said suprised Sofiane, looking at Arthur.

"Me?" Arthur laughed. "No, no, bro, I didn´t make them, no, not me, jesus. It was Lucas."

Eliott almost choked on the bite of the delicious chocolate muffin. 

_Of fucking course._

He would spit it out, but what a wasting. It´s not the poor muffin´s fault that it was made by someone like Lucas. 

"Really? Lucas made them? Oh my goodness where is he, anyways? Where is my boy?" Idriss looked around and Eliott felt this urge to slap him. 

"He left for a weekend. Family stuff or something like that, he said, right, Yann?" Arthur turned to Yann and he nodded with a little concerned look. 

What´s the matter? thinks Eliott. So what, Lucas left to his family. It´s a little wierd after only like two weeks in college but whatever. 

"Oh no, I want to thank him. This is freaking amazing," Idriss pulled out his phone and started texting. Eliott was watching him, thinking that he´s acting like a total creep.

Texting Lucas about how tasty his muffins are?

Really?

But when Idriss´ phone buzzed few minutes later and he was smiling at the screen like a Kate fucking Middleton would texting him, Eliott was a little curious. Yes he was. And definitely NOT jealous. At all. 

...

Weekend was chill. 

Saturday and sunday were sleepy for Eliott, even when it should be more stydying. Eliott fell asleep after staring at his notes for five fucking minutes. 

When he woke up from another slight slumber on the couch, it was because of Idriss and Sofiane came back from who knows where and they shutted the door behind them. 

"What the fuck, guys, a little respect for my naps?" Eliott frowned at them. 

"It´s sunday evening, Eliott, you´ve been sleeping all weekend. I feel like we´re living with hundred years old man, dude," Idriss snorted.

"Whatever," Eliott sighed, get up from the couch and went to his bedroom. 

"We wanted to say hi to Lucas, greet him back, but he´s still not here, so..." Sofiane said as if Eliott would care. He didn´t. 

"Whatever," said Eliott and closed his door behind him. 

...

So, yeah. It´s wednesday and it´s gonna be twelve days since he last saw Lucas. 

  
But he doesn´t care. 

  
He walks to his art workshop, across the uni campus, around the philosophy building and suddenly the main door opens harshly and someone walks out in rush. 

It´s Lucas. 

With his mint green vans, black slim jeans and white long-sleeved t-shirt, too big for him. Backpack hangs from one shoulder, hand holding his dark denim jacket and phone pressed to his ear. Hair messier than usually. He walks to the opposite side, away from Eliott, talking to his phone. 

  
Eliott automatically goes closer. Maybe now he finally finds out how fake this boy is. 

Eliott comes to the corner of the building where Lucas dissapeared and stops there, because he hears him now. 

"...what the fuck do you mean by that?... I´m asking you now, why did you do that?..." 

He´s clearly arguing with someone. 

"...I was there, I went there this weekend just to learn she´s _not there anymore!_ What that´s suppose to mean?"

Like it wasn´t even him.

Lucas´ voice sounds so angry and it´s so wierd, so weird for Eliott because he never heard him otherwise than sweet and light and shit and now... it´s so strange. 

"...you-you did that. She was doing so good last time, so damn good! And you just... removed her? Without my aknowledgement? Without her permission?..."

Who? Who he´s talking to? Removed? What is he talking about?

"...are you fucking kidding me...I had to go by train, hours to see her for a moment and then hours back to uni..."

Oh. So that´s why he came back so late? It sounds like it wasn´t even Lucas, who´s talking there. He sounds like someone else.   
Eliott stands there, his back leaned to the wall, holding his breath. 

"...You dick!.... it´s my mom, of course I care! You miserably failed as a parent figure, so-"

He sounds like on the edge of tears. Eliott suddenly feels inappropriate and kinda guilty for listening what seems like such a private conversation. He turns away and leaves his position on the corner of the building, head full of new questions about this boy. 

He takes only like ten steps when familiar (not really in a good way) voice makes him stop and look up. 

"Well well well, who we have here?" Eliott´s head snaps up just to see Lucille with some masculine guy. Eliott stares at him and thinks that he saw him before... but where?

"Fancy seeing you here. Eliott, how have you been?" Lucille asks, eyes full of viciousness which Eliott remembers, of course he does. 

"Lucille, I have literally zero reasons why I should talk to you, so..." he wants to go but the stupid masculine monkey speaks. 

"Eliott? Oh, so that´s you, the _crazy_ one," the guy says and Eliott stops to look at him. And suddenly he knows exactly from where he knows him.   
He´s the one who bumped into him the first day, with bunch of his clons. 

He´s dating Lucille? 

"You´re the fool who draw people as animals, right?" the guy says and laughs. Eliott squints his eyes and looks from him to Lucille, who slighly slams the idiot´s arm but bites her lips as she's holding back her own laugh. 

Fuck her. 

Fuck him. 

Fuck them both. 

"Can you just _fuck off_ finally and leave me the fuck _alone_?" Eliott says, looking Lucille in the eyes. 

"Hey, watch your language in front of lady, man, or is your bipolar brain damaged so badly it doesn´t recognize what is good behaviour anymore?" the guy says and Eliott clenched his teeth.   
To be honest, he´s angry, yeah, but he´s also taken a little aback with the fact he hears this sentence from guy like this one. How hard it was for him to say that without mistake, huh?

So Lucille told him everything. Everything bad, as he sees. And everything what wasn´t bad, she turned into bad, too. 

Yeah, that sounds like her. 

Bitch. 

Before Eliott can respond something (and he has literally no clue WHAT he should say because it hurts like bitch), someone else speaks for him. 

"Is mental health some kind of joke to you?" 

And that someone is Lucas. Coming from behind Eliott, stops a little closer to Lucille and her idiot.

"Who the hell are you?" says Lucille, looking Lucas up and down. 

"No, no, girl, right question is - who the fuck you think YOU are?" says Lucas ironically, looking at her and never blinks. How so he doesn´t blink? 

  
Fuck, it´s scary.

Eliott doesn´t know what to say. He stands there, totally in shock and can´t think about how to move, not even how to speak and what to say. 

"We´re not talking to you, dude, get out of here," says the giant monkey, annoyed, waves a hand on Lucas in gesture for him to leave. 

Lucas, for his unpleasure, doesn´t move a inch from his spot. Until he takes two steps towards them.

"Who are _you_ , walking on this planet, talking to people like this? Who _the_ _fuck_ you think you are, making fun of mental state of human beings you know shit about?" says Lucas and folds his hands in front of his chest. 

"What? Don´t you think you´re pretty rude for someone so small?" the guy is amused with Lucas. And really, Lucas is smaller than him, he is. But Lucas looks furious and dangerous in his anger. He looks really mad.   
The other guy? His only power is in his muscles. 

(Eliott can´t believe he thinking like that about Lucas... oh god.)

"You attacking people you don´t even know for something they can´t change or fight with, they can only accept that and live with that their whole life. Do you really think it´s normal, acting like dick?" 

Eliott stares. 

Lucas... defensing him? Lucas talks like he takes it personal. But it was all about Eliott. Why would he do that? Why he´s doing this? Why he´s pretending he cares about Eliott? _What the fuck is happening?_

"Well... at least they don´t have to live with disorder like yours, right?" Lucas scoffs.

"Mine disorder?" the guy is confused, same as Eliott and Lucille, who´s just standing there like a total useless piece of s- "What disorder?"

"You´re shitface," says Lucas and Eliott doesn´t even have time to chuckle about that when the guy shoves Lucas and sends him to the ground. 

Lucas falls on his back to the coarse pavement and the guy is ready to jump on him and beat his ass but Lucille (for godsake) holds his arm and stops him. 

"Let´s go, André, c´mon," she says and tugs him until they´re gone. Eliott sees her do something good and usefull for the first time ever and he can´t stop staring. 

Lucas stands up.

Eliott thinks about what to say. Should he thank him? Probably he should. But then he thinks.... why? _Why should I thank him? I didn´t ask him for help, I didn´t want him to help me, I didn´t need him to help me, it was his choice, so why should I thank him, right?_

Lucas stands there for a moment, then he turns to face Eliott. His expression serious and still a little angry and... something else. 

  
Eliott thinks he´ll see a pity because of what Lucas must heard a minute ago, but that´s not pity at all. That´s something different...

Is that...sadness?

"Are you okay?" he asks because _of course_ he does, just a moment since he might get hurt himself, asking Eliott if he´s okay. 

"I´m good," Eliott says, shrugs, acting like the words from Lucille and that fucking prick didn´t hurt him at all (they did. Hurt him. A lot.).

"Okay," says Lucas and passes around him and walks away. 

Okay? _Okay?!_ Eliott thinks. _Okay_. Just like that. 

Eliott turns to see Lucas´ back as he´s walking back to the building. There is this dark spot on his white t-shirt on his back. And for a very short moment Eliott feels a little guilty, that Lucas has dirty tee because of him. 

And then he thinks about Lucas learning about him being bipolar, just like that. Because some shit stain who doesn´t even know Eliott had big ass mouth and told the world his private information. 

Because Lucille just couldn´t shut the fuck up about those stuff. 

Eliott feels exposed. He feels naked. He feels like idiot. He feels helpless. He can´t stand that. It was first time in twelve days he saw Lucas and it went like THAT. Also, he´s not complaining, but, where is Lucas´ sunshine aura? 

Seems like his true self starts showing, huh.

...

THURSDAY

It´s thursday. Another coffee session with the boys. 

"Guys! Before I forget, party tomorrow in the club!" says Arthur enthusiastically. Eliott is really not in the mood for a party but maybe exactly because of that he should go. 

"Sick! It´s been so long since last good party night, right? Can´t wait!" Idriss slams his palms together. Boys seem happy about that news and they start talking about who else will be there and who more they should invite. 

The bell above the door rings with new customer and Eliott´s head snaps to the door immediately. 

It´s Lucas. 

Just in time for his green tea. 

He looks... different. 

Maybe it´s because of his outfit. Long sleeve, of course, but black instead of white or beige. Black jacket with pride flag pin. Black slim jeans. Black old school vans. Hair falling to his eyes instead of how he has them usually brushed from his forehead back. 

He steps at the counter and talks to barista. 

"The only thing I need to know," says Idriss with serious expression, "is Lucas coming tomorrow?" 

"I have to tell you, Idriss, it´s so nice from you that you care so much about Lucas," Yann smirks at him. 

"What can I say? He´s a good boy, I like him," Idriss shrugs and Sofiane nods. 

"Yeah, me too. So is he coming?" 

"You know what, he came yesterday home, it was wierd because he had-"

"Oh, he´s here!" calls out Idriss and interrupt Arthur, when he noticed Lucas, standing at the counter, looking at his phone screen. "Lucas! Hey, buddy!" 

Lucas looks up and when he sees all of them sitting there, he smiles. 

  
There he is. 

  
His inner sun jumps out, thinks Eliott. And then he platonically slaps himself for thoughts like this. 

"Hi guys," says Lucas with wide toothy grin, but his voice sounds more quiet than usually. 

"Lucas, you coming to the club party tomorrow, right?" asks Idriss with embarassingly shiny eyes. He looks like a stupid kiddo, thinks Eliott. 

"Actually I-"

"No you have to come! Please Lucas, it´s gonna be fun," says Sofiane and Eliott can´t believe his eyes and ears. It looks like they both just fell in love with Lucas.   
_What the hell._

"Lucas, how´s your back? Does it still hurt?" asks Arthur then. 

What?

"What? What happened? Are you hurt?" asks Idriss. 

"No, no, it´s nothing I swe-"

"It´s not nothing!" Yann interrupts Lucas. Eliott sees that Lucas is not comfortable. Turning to the counter if his drink is ready. (It´s not.) "He came home yesterday with scratched back. It looked pretty bad, blood and dirt in that-"

"Okay, okay, enough," Lucas laughs but it sounds fake. Like always. What else, right.. "It´s nothing I swear, it´s a small scratch there, it´s gonna be gone in two days or so," he shrugs. 

"Small scratch, right," mumbles Arthur. "It hurt like bitch when I was cleaning it, admit it. We´re not gonna laugh at you because of that. I would literally cry."

Lucas laughs and then sighs in relief when he hears the barista calling his drink. 

"I have to go, I have classes. Have a good evening, boys, bye," he grins at them for the last time and then he´s gone. 

"Did he tell you what happened with his back?" asks Eliott a little hesitantly. But he would like to know if Lucas said something about the events of yesterday evening.

"Yeah, he said he slipped and fell on the pavement," says Yann and sips his coffee. 

"Hm.." Eliott doesn´t know what to think anymore. Lucas lied about that. He also doesn´t want to boys to know what happened..? Well, okay then..

"Aww, Eliott, you care about Lucas," says Idriss in sweet voice and then he chuckles. 

"Pff, yeah, right," says Eliott and rolls his eyes. 

Oh god. This is worse and worse. His friends love Lucas. All of them. Also Eliott thinks about the fact his life is like wave after wave of little events he didn´t have to experience last year and now he just has to. He´s forced to live through them. 

  
When he thought that, he didn´t even know what is still just about to come. 

...

FRIDAY

The party is huge.

Dozens after dozens of people in the club. Lot´s of them Eliott recognizing from uni and more of those he´d never seen in his life. 

To be completely honest, Eliott hates parties like this. He enjoy the small meetings in their apartment with the boys and sometimes few other people, but this crowded places are not truly his thing. At all. 

After ten minutes in, he lost sight of his friends. After another ten minutes of looking for them he´s too tired to throng through the crowd of drunk people, he hates it so damn much. So he goes to sit at the bar, ordering a drink. Automatically (of course after the wednesday events) he hears Lucille´s voice in his head. _"You´re gonna drink that, Eliott? Are you serious? In your state? Yeah, no, none of this for you tonight."_

"Fuck you," Eliott murmurs under his breath and drinks that liquid in one quick shot, ignoring the burning in his throat, then he orders another. 

"Oh my god, hi, I remember you," says someone next to him and when Eliott turns to look who´s that, he sees tall girl with long legs, long ginger hair and brown eyes, smiling at him wildly. "I remember you from literature class, from highschool."

Eliott has no idea who the hell this girl is. 

So he just says "yeah?" and girl nods.

"Yes, I´m Lilien, remember me?" she says and comes closer. She´s really tall, just inch shorter than Eliott. Maybe because she´s wearing heels, maybe, whatever.

Truth to be told, Eliott is not interested in talking to her.

Maybe because her name starts with L and girls named like that are... crazy. Look at Lucille.   
Boys with name starting on L, instead...

Fuck.

And Eliott likes shorter people more. He never thought about that but now it just runs trough his mind and it´s absolutely true. He likes short ones. 

"Uh.. no, not really, sorry," he says because why lie? Because why lie to pleased the girl he doesn´t want to talk with?

But the girl just laughs. Okay she is really pretty. She has nice smile and shining skin, her hair are all glossy and long and looking like a silk, she has those cat eyes shape of her brown ones. But Eliott is not fan of brown eyes. Not really. 

"Well, that´s embarrassing," the girl laughs again. "In that case..." she raised her hand towards him, "I´m Lilien, friends calling me just Lili, nice to meet you."

Eliott looks at her and her ofered hand and than he hesitantly sqeezes it. "Eliott." 

"Yeah I know," Lili laughs and starts rambling about their high school class, but Eliott stops listening because his eyes cought the sight of Lucas at the other side of the bar. 

He has black long-sleeved button shirt, three buttons under his neck open, hair all fluffy and soft, his dark denim jacket replaces one black with fur collar.   
Eliott watches as he´s leaning his back to the bar counter with serious face, and maybe there´s something else. Maybe there´s a vigilance, in his blue eyes. Then Eliott notices the other guy, talking to Lucas. Tall, broad shoulders, hair shaved to short, beard, brown leather jacket. 

Lucas looks like he´s looking for a way how to escape. The guy stands too close to him and leaning too much to him for Eliott´s liking. 

Uh, well, no. No for Eliott´s liking. For _Lucas´_ liking, of course. Eliott doesn´t care. 

Eliott doesn´t hear a single word the girl (what was her name again? Mili? Ah, who cares) saying and she apparantely doesn´t even notice his lack of attention. Eliott watches as the guy´s leaning closer and closer and closer to Lucas and then Lucas suddenly pushes him away and leaves in rush. 

Eliott breathes out the air he doesn´t realize he´s been holding, but then he sees the guy chasing after Lucas out of the club. 

"Sorry, I have to go," says Eliott to the girl who put his hand on Eliott´s arm meanwhile he was distracted.

"Oh, okay... can I give you my number? We can meet another time in less crowded place, what you think?" girl smiles at him full of hope. 

Oh jesus. 

"Honestly, Mili-"

"Lili."

"Oh..." Oh, so that´s her name. "Well, I´m sorry to tell you this but I´m not interested in you."

Shit. That was bold. But Eliott really needs to go now. 

"Really? And why not?" she asks. Okay, she´s bold too. 

"You´re..."

"I am what?"

"Too tall. And too girl," Eliott says and feels like a total asshole. Plus idiot. What are those reasons, anyways? He´s not gay. But he really couldn´t imagine dating a girl again, after Lucille. 

"Too girl? Seriously? You´re what? You´re... gay?" she stares at him. 

"You know, even if you´re not gay, you should always be a supporter," says Eliott, annoyed. Yes, he´s annoyed by this girl. Lili. That´s her name. "Excuse me," he says and trying to get out of the club. 

When he´s finally out, for a moment he stops and breathes in the chilly october night air. 

Then he hears the voices. 

"...what´s the matter? I can see the rainbow on your jacket. You´re so proud, huh? Or you´re just stupid faggot who likes to be fucked to his ass."

Eliott feels sick. 

"Get off of me!" 

Lucas.

"Stop pretending you don´t like it, rainbow boy."

"The rainbow is symbol of love and acceptance, not sign for assholes like you for an easy fuck!" Lucas´ voice sounds strong. 

"No? Why I don´t believe you?" 

Eliott sees them. Lucas is pressed by his back to the wall and the guy trapped him with his arms. 

"Because you´re fucking idiot, obviously..." says Lucas and the guy pushes him harshly to the wall.

"Take it back, _fag_!" he yells at him.

"Get the fuck off of me!" Lucas yells back. 

That´s it. 

Eliott grabs the guy´s jacket and pull him away from Lucas. 

"What the hell-" the asshole starts but Eliott doesn´t let him.

"Get the fuck out of here," he hisses with stormy eyes. 

"Or what?" says the idiot. He´s almost as tall as Eliott.

Almost.

"Or you will regret the day you were born," says Eliott in threat, voice low, flashes in grey eyes. 

That asshole watches him for a while. Then he looks at Lucas. Eliott doesn´t see him because he´s in front of him and he doesn´t want to let his eyes off of that guy. 

"Fucking fags..." the person murmurs and then he dissapears in the entrance of the club. 

Eliott stands there in the same position for a moment, can´t actually believe what just happened. That he, Eliott, defended Lucas. _Lucas_.  
That annoying sunny sugarbear. 

  
Eliott turns to Lucas as he hears the other boy´s exhale. 

Lucas stands there, still pressed to the wall, looking down. It´s dark and the streetlamp doesn´t really shining to his face so Eliott can´t see Lucas´ expression. 

"Are you okay?" Eliott asks carefully. 

Lucas pulls away from the wall, takes a deep breath and looks at him. His eyes sparkle, dark like the night. 

"Fucking awesome," Lucas murmurs so quietly that Eliott almost doesn´t hear him. 

"Look, Lucas-"

Lucas rips his rainbow flag pin and throws it on the ground with force. Then he passes by Eliott and after few steps he starts running. 

And then he´s gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be the big BOOM we all waiting for. (And with "we" I mean me and my 12 personalities)
> 
> Thanks for reading. Come to complain about anything with me at my tumblr: briallenko


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He came home at saturday early morning after hours and hours spended by walking. Then Eliott fell on his bed and fell asleep, absolutely exhausted. 
> 
> He couldn´t forget about Lucas´ face at friday night. How he looks like he really wants to be brave face to face to that homophobic piece of shit, but at the same time he maybe wants to just curl into a ball and wrapped himself in the blankets.  
> Eliott couldn´t forget about that painful force with which Lucas ripped his rainbow flag pin from his jacket and threw it on the ground.  
> And how he ran away."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi.  
> Posting this because I just finnished that and I just want to. You don´t even know how much those comments under chapter two means to me. I cried like a total idiot. I don´t deserve you. Thank you so much. I still can´t believe people actually read my stories. 
> 
> Also I don´t really know how long it takes to post next chapter because I want to finish my christmas elu one shot first (and post it on december 23).
> 
> Please be patient. Love you all.

...

SUNDAY

Eliott´s night walks around the city became a thing for him now. 

After friday events at the outside of the club, he takes a long walk through the streets to have time to think. 

He came to nothing. 

He texted Idriss to prevent another useless argument with him. Eliott is a little worried it´s already pretty bad with that fact that all the boys love Lucas so much and Eliott kinda can´t stand him so much, so, yeah. The distance between him and his friends keep growing and growing with that how the boys´ friendship with Lucas tightens and getting stronger. 

And Eliott is not jealous. 

Okay maybe he IS jealous. 

And what? They are _his_ friends in the first place. Just because some cute little adorable boy came through and started giving people _everything_ from himself, like, his personal light and smiles and blue soft gazes and warm hugs (Eliott could imagine), that´s nothing in compare to years and years of true friendship, no?

...

He came home at saturday early morning after hours and hours spended by walking. Then Eliott fell on his bed and fell asleep, absolutely exhausted. 

He couldn´t forget about Lucas´ face at friday night. How he looks like he really wants to be brave face to face to that homophobic piece of shit, but at the same time he maybe wants to just curl into a ball and wrapped himself in the blankets.   
Eliott couldn´t forget about that painful force with which Lucas ripped his rainbow flag pin from his jacket and threw it on the ground. 

And how he ran away. 

Eliott couldn´t stop his mind from showing him these images over and over again.   
But he thinks... It´s all up to him. It´s only himself who Lucas can blame for that. He, himself, with all his smiles and shit, with his naturally (yeah, we´ll look at that later - thinks Eliott) friendly behaviour.   
What did he expect? That everyone would be all supportive and everything?

Eliott thinks, that Lucas lives in some kind of fairytale or whatever. 

Okay no, he didn´t forget about the phonecall he overheard on wednesday. He didn´t forget, he was thinking about it a lot too. Because what was that? What that meant? Was it Lucas´ father he was talking to?

And then Eliott got mad at himself for thinking about that boy so much when he doesn´t really care, jeez, it´s his life, it´s his fucking choices, Eliott doesn´t give a fuck about that. 

Shit. 

...

On sunday, Eliott wakes up wierdly early. 

He makes himself eggs and coffee for a breakfast and then he goes back to his bedroom. He sits on his bed, staring at the opposite wall for a god knows how long.   
Then he goes and sits behind his table. Pull out one of his sketchbooks and starts drawing. 

Eliott didn´t even know how he was missing this. How he needed it. 

Eliott was happy like this. Sweatpants, loose sweater, socks, coffee and some quiet music. He doesn´t realize it until he reaches the last page of his sketch book.   
Wow, he was drawing for really long time, huh. 

A pair of big kind eyes stares at him from the last page. Eliott is afraid to look what he drew on the previous pages, so he just slams the sketch book close and put it into his last drawer.

Then he stands up and goes for a walk. 

  
He came back late at night and he was freezing. Eliott apparantely underestimate the late october weather and wasn´t dressed properly. 

He takes a long warm shower and then he just wrapped himself into all his blankets and falls asleep. 

...

MONDAY

Eliott wakes up feeling sick.  
His body hurts, his throat is sore and the throbbing in his head annoying and painful.

Nothing pleasant.

He get out of bed late, because he doesn't want to go at all. He's not feeling well, fuck. He wants to stay in bed.  
But no, he has to go. He has to.

Eliott doesn´t even care what he´s wearing today. He slips into black sweatpants, his typical black hoodie and a jacket. 

He's already late, so he just grabs an apple which he won't gonna eat anyway, and get out of the door.

He survived his art class just because. But when the stress fell from his shoulders and his physical state wins over the mental one...

He feels like shit.

He skips the afternoon classes and goes home. When he reaches his building, he has almost no strenght left in his body. He doesn't know how he just made it there, honestly. He wants to sleep. His eyelids fluttering and closing and he just can't. He can't anymore.

Eliott takes stair by stair, step by step, slowly, holding the handle like his life depends on it.

And maybe it does.

His breathing is heavy and not fully relieving. He feels awful and his throat burning.

When he finally reaches the fourth floor, he thinks he might die right there, at his front door. He's so damn weak, his body hurts and head spinning.

Fuck.

He needs his bed.

The door opposite to his opens and suprised voice "Oh, hi there," makes Eliott almost whine.

Oh god, why. Why now?!

"Before you ask, no, I'm not skipping my class, I just forgot this very important shitty essay," Lucas jokes with smile on his fucking pretty face and Eliott really isn't in the fucking mood to hear his shitty jokes.

Not ever and especially _not_ today.

"I don´t fucking care," Eliott mumbles in whisper. 

"Are you okay?" Lucas asks with concern and Eliott clenches his teeth.

"None of your bussiness," he says, voice hoarse, not even look at Lucas, unlocking his door, leans to them because his legs might give up any second.

"Eliott, you're sick?" Lucas asks again (stupidly, really, he's so stupid), comes closer and Eliott would scream if his head is not about to explode with any louder noise.

"I'm fucking great," he says (speaking hurts too by the way) and walks through the open door, scrumbles and presses himself to the wall in the corridor.

"I'll help you to your bed, come on," Lucas says and Eliott feels his arm around own waist. 

"Don´t-" he wants to say more but strong coughs interrupt him. Fuck, he sounds like he has a plague. 

"Fuck, you sound like you have a plague," says Lucas and Eliott´s eyes snaps to him. Is he fucking _mind-reader_ now or what? And were his eyes always so _blue_? Was his skin always looking so _soft_?

_Oh damn fuck,_ Eliott thinks, _I probably have a fever too, I´m halucinating._

"Uh, Eliott..." Lucas says in soft voice. "Which one is your room?" 

And Eliott wants to fight. He really wants to yell at him to get the fuck out because he doesn´t need him and his pity and his fucking kind behaviour and his sweet presence. He doesn´t need to smell the sweetest pink chewing gums and Lucas´ hair, smelling like watermelon. He doesn´t need him here. He can do this on his own, _fuck_. 

But he feels really weak. His eyes are closed most of the time now, he might be falling asleep while standing. And if Lucas´ arm didn´t holding him, he would be surely on the ground like minute ago. 

So he just points at his door and let Lucas guide him to his bed. 

Once he´s there, pair of hands help him take off the jacket and the hoodie and the same hands wrapped the blankets around his curled body. Eliott doesn´t look. His eyelids are so heavy. He wants to sleep. 

"Eliott, do you need something? Tea? Soup? Anything else?" he hears the voice in a whisper, the air around him smells like pink. Like pinkness. If pink color smells like something, it would be this exact scent. 

Eliott doesn´t say anything to that. He´s too weak. He´s too tired. He´s already half asleep. Or he just faints any second. 

"Eliott?" he hears from far away and then he feels soft touch on his forehead. 

And then he feels nothing. 

...

"Eliott, Eliott, hey," the voice appears out of nowhere in this blankness Eliott had been in for god knows how long.   
How he´s slowly coming back to senses, he feels the pain in his chest, head, throat, almost everywhere. 

Fuck, he´s really sick. 

Enough to his night walks. 

"Eliott, here, take this," hand grabs his, gently, so gently, press something in it. Pills. 

Eliott shuffles under the covers and tries to sit up, unsuccesfully. He opens his eyes a little just to see Lucas´ worried face. Eliott stares at him for a moment. 

What is he doing here? 

"What...what-" he wants to ask but he starts coughing, harshly, his lungs hurt. 

"Eliott, please, take those pills, it helps, I promise," says Lucas, holds his hand and put those pills which slips from Eliott´s hand on it again. Eliott takes them. Then Lucas hands him cup of tea, holds it as Eliott drinks. 

Eliott tries to ignore the feeling of Lucas´ hand under his as he holds the cup too, palm on back of Lucas´ hand. Smaller than his, soft skin, all of this. 

What is he doing here, anyways? Where are the boys? How he got inside?

How Eliott got inside?

Shit, his mind is useless.

Eliott lays back down and closes his eyes. He wants to sleep sleep sleep and feel better, right the fuck now. His lungs feel like in fire. Suddenly he gasps as he feels cold wetness on his forehead. 

"Shit, I´m sorry," he hears Lucas´ voice. "You burning, the fever needs to go away." 

It feels good on his burning skin. So he´s leave it like that and in a few moments he falls asleep again. 

...

When Eliott wakes up next time, it´s dark in his room. It´s dark behind his window. It´s dark and he´s alone. He feels a little better, that´s true. So those pills Lucas gave him, whatever was it, it helps. 

He sits on his bed, takes his phone from nightstand just to find out it´s 9pm. 

How that happened? 

Knock on his door. 

Sofiane´s head pop out. "Hey, buddy, how are you feeling?" he asks and enters the room, walks to Eliott´s bed with bowl of something hot and sits down. 

"Could be better," says Eliott. 

"Here, this soup could make it better. You should eat something," Sofiane hands him the bowl. 

Eliott ate few spoons and it feels so good, so good to his sore throat, so good to his empty stomach. 

"It´s delicious, thank you," says Eliott. Sofiane looks like he wants to say something, but then he just smiles and leaves the room, then he comes back with mug of tea. 

"Take those pills before you´ll go back to sleep," says, places it all on his nightstand and when he leaves, he closes the door behind him. 

...

TUESDAY

Eliott wakes up early, feeling much better. It´s not fully gone, he can feel it. He still coughs and his head hurts a lot. 

"Oh damn, look who´s risen from the dead!" Idriss calls out loud when Eliott enters the kitchen and finds both his roommates sitting around the table with coffee mugs. 

"Shut up, my head hurts like hell," murmurs Eliott, voice hoarse. 

"You look like grumpy kitten," Idriss chuckles. 

"I feel like shit giant step into," says Eliott and sits down heavily. Sofiane stands up, goes to the counter and when he comes back, he puts a mug of hot tea and another bowl of soup in front of Eliott on the table. 

Eliott happily starts eating, because the soup is absolutely delicious. 

"Thank you Sofi, truly, this is probably the best thing I´ve ever eat," Eliott says when he has already half of that gone. It´s different soup than yesterday. In this one is more vegetables. But he loves it. 

"Actually, I didn´t cook it," says Sofiane and Eliott suprisingly looks at Idriss. 

"No, buddy, not me," Idriss shakes his head. Eliott frowns in confusion. Before he can ask, Sofiane answers.

"Lucas made that soup for you. And the yesterday´s one too," says a little hesitantly. 

Eliott stops eating and straighten himself on the chair. "What?"

Sofiane sighs, Idriss rolls his eyes. 

"Look, Eliott," says Idriss without even a hint of smile. "We noticed you don´t like Lucas." Eliott snorts. 

Oh, really? They noticed? How thoughtful of them. 

"And honestly, I don´t understand why, because he´s really good person," Idriss continues. 

"Yeah, sure..." says Eliott and continues in his soup.

What? He´s not gonna throw it away, no? It´s so good and he´s sick. He needs it. 

"Eliott, I think that was enough, don´t you think? Did something happen between you two we don´t know about? Did he do something to you?" Sofiane looks genuinely curious and a little concern. 

Eliott just continues in eating, not really want to talk about it right now when he has a headache. 

"Eliott," Sofiane continues, when he realizes Eliott won´t say a word. "Yesterday, Lucas stayed with you here, all day, until we came home, just to be sure you´re okay."

"Well I didn´t ask him to do that," Eliott says all snappy. 

"Of course you didn´t! You were too busy with dying!" Idriss almost screams. Eliott stares. 

"Eliott, he missed his classes because he was worried about you. He called to the hospital for advice what to do, because you looked like your soul might leave your body any time soon," says Sofiane. 

"Don´t be so dramatic Sofiane, it´s just a flu or something," Eliott doesn´t want to hear that. Lucas called to the hospital because of him? Lucas missed his classes because of him? Well but those are his own decissions. None of this is Eliott´s fault, no?

"Dramatic?" Sofiane snorts. "When I came home and went to check up on you, you looked like ghost," he shakes his head. "Lucas thought you could have pneumonia, so he called to the hospital and when they told him about those pills," Sofiane shoves a little glass bottle with white pills closer to Eliott, "he ran to buy them just to make you feel better."

Eliott stares at those pills, not know what to think anymore. 

"Did he tell you all that?" he asks then quietly. 

"No he didn´t. He didn´t tell us exactly that, he told us the basic informations just so we know what was up with you. We just deducated that from what we saw. And from what we know about him. And, also, he looked like scared puppy," says Idriss. 

For a moment there´s silence in the kitchen. Eliott tries to process those informations while he´s looking into the now-empty bowl. 

"Look, buddy, you don´t have to like people you don´t want to. Nobody should be telling you how to act and what to do, it´s all up to you, it´s your choice," says Sofiane softly. "Let me say one thing. According to me, Lucas is really good person. Kind. Caring. He cooked the soup yesterday for you and today he came here at 6am on his way to school, brought new freshly cooked soup. _At 6am_. I don´t even want to think about how early he had to get up from bed to cook it... and then he goes to classes."

Eliott feels a little guilty now. 

_Great_. 

Fuck. Jesus. 

Boys get up and go to the front door, collecting their things. Eliott looks at the clock and it´s already 8am, they have to go to their classes. 

"Take another two pills. It´s apparantely helping a lot," says Idriss before he walks through the door. 

"And take some rest," Sofiane smiles at Eliott and closes the door behind them. 

How he can smile at Eliott after he told him all those things to make him feel like piece of crap? How can he still smiling at Eliott when he thinks he´s acting like the biggest asshole?

Eliott doesn´t fucking know what to do. He sits there behind the table for a while. Then he takes two pills, swallows them with fresh tea Sofiane made for him and then he hides under all the blankets in his bed and stays there all day. 

...

WEDNESDAY

The first thing Eliott does on wednesday is that he takes a long long shower. Boys were already gone when he left his room this morning, which was late, because he didn´t want to recieve another serious talk right into his soul. Yesterday it all looked okay, because both of his roommies came to him and checked how he was feeling and talks with him for a little while, casually about nothing important. 

But Eliott is not an idiot. He´s NOT. He knows, deep down, it still bothers them. The Lucas situation. 

But he can´t help it. 

As he lets the warm water falling on his head, he thinks about it.  


He should probably go and say thank you to Lucas. He definitely should. Like, he didn´t ask him to do any of it, but it would be nice to thank him. For his care. For his help. 

Ahhhhh, he hates it. He hates it! He doesn´t want to thank Lucas! Of all people.   
Shit. 

But at the same time he thinks, Lucas helped him already twice. First with Lucille and her asshole, then on monday in his sickness. 

And still, all Eliott could think about was _what the hell is wrong with him?_ What the fuck is he hiding? Why is he like _this_?

He stands there until all warm water was gone. 

...

THURSDAY

Eliott goes to his classes today. He doesn´t feel fully okay, but he feels much better and he can´t miss more school. It´s been weeks since his last episode and he knows that if (when) it comes, he´ll miss more school than he would want to. 

When he´s about to lock his apartment in the morning, he stops there with keys in his hand and stares at the next door for a really long time.   
Then he thinks, _ah fuck it_ , and knocks at them. His heart starts racing like crazy. 

The door opens and there is Lucas. He has-

"Oh, hi, Eliott, it´s so good to see that you´re okay again," he smiles with that wide grin of his and Eliott stares for a moment or two because Lucas wears glasses. 

He has his typical black slim jeans and this time blue long sleeve t-shirt, hair all fluffy and shit but his eyes are hidden behind these kinda round glasses with dark frames.   
He looks so much younger. 

Lucas apparantely notices at what Eliott stares because he laughs a little and takes the glasses off. 

"Shit, I forgot I have them on," he laughs again. "You cought me."

"Um..." Eliott doesn´t really know what to say. Fuck. 

"But I´m not blind or something, I just... uh... sometimes I need them, that´s all. Anyways, I´m sure you don´t want to listen this, right? Did you need something from Arthur or Yann? They are both gone already, sorry," Lucas rambling and it´s kinda cute. 

No, no, no, it´s not. 

.........maybe a little?

_NO_. 

"No, I, actually..." Eliott says and rubs his forehead. Oh my fucking god, why is this so hard... "I came to say thank you, for... for your help and uh... the soup and all... I guess..." 

"Oh," Lucas looks taken aback. Then he smiles sweetly. "I´m glad you´re alright. No need to thank me." 

Eliott´s watching him, his annoyingly soft creatures, his annoying piercing eyes, his shirt too big for him (which is so damn annoying), his all sun aura which is in full power today and all he wants is to scream at him, just to find out what is his secret. 

So he just clenched his jaw instead and says: "Okay." 

Then he turns away and leaves. 

...

Eliott thinks about it all day. 

About Lucas. About Lucas being kind and nice and caring. And all smiley. It only makes Eliott mad. He´s not stupid. He won´t believe that for a second. It´s something about him. 

And Eliott is not sure if he wants to know anymore. 

He just want to be back in last school year, without Lucas, without all this drama, with his friends before Lucas came through. 

It´s annoying have to constantly think about it. Lucas is annoying. And fake. For sure. 

So when the group chat notifications start buzzing in Eliott´s pocket, he was happy what he reads. All the boys has to do some shit today so coffee shop session is canceled. 

Eliott is happy about it, just for today. 

He´s not sure if he´s able to handle another of Lucas´ entrances for a green tea. Another of his friends´ loving eyes for him. Another of his own bad mood because of it later. 

Actually, he decides he doesn´t want to see Lucas any time soon again so he... He can avoid him from now on. 

Yeah, he´s definitely happy about it...

...

In the afternoon Eliott's trying to balance three heavy bags with groceries in his arms and at the same time pull out the keys from his pocket.

It was his turn to go shopping for their flat already a week ago and he hesitated for so long until their fridge and shelves in the kitchen were sadly empty and Idriss and Sofiane were shouting at him to move his lazy ass and go for some food (also already a week ago), because there was nothing left to eat anymore. Now it was really an emergency. 

Nope, noone from his roommies (and best friends!) had a mercy on him to go shopping for him. No one. 

"Fuck," he curses when one bag almost fell from his arms. He catches it just in time, only a cucumber and two apples fell on the pavement.

Eliott closes his eyes and sighs. "Fucking he-"

"Let me help you," says this voice.

_You've got to be fucking kidding me,_ thinks Eliott. He opens his eyes and meets those blue ones, annoyingly bright, maybe even more than usually.

Fucking hell. How is this even possible? What kind of chemicals this boy eats for breakfast?

Lucas stands there, cucumber in one hand, apples in the other, looking at it with amused expression, then he looks up, smirking at Eliott.

"Hi."

Oh, so he thinks they are friends now, when Eliott talked to him this morning?

Hell no. 

_Fuck you,_ thinks Eliott. _Stop fucking smirking at me or I'll have to kiss that smirk off of your stupid cute face._

No. Not cute. Only stupid.

Stupid cute face.

No, fuck! Dammit...

"Here," says Lucas, put those things to the bag and then he's close to Eliott, so fucking close and then he pulls away with two bags in his arms, one left in Eliott's.

"I take this," says with smile.

"No, really, I can handle it myself-"

"I don't have keys," says Lucas and shrugs. "I forgot them at home."

What kind of person lives in fucking campus apartment for few weeks and called it home already? Dorm room is not freaking home, idiot.

"So, it's more like you helping me actually. I wouldn't get in without you."

He's smiling like a freaking sunshine.

Doesn´t he suppose to have late classes today? What is he doing here, anyway?

Eliott doesn't say a word to it, pull out the keys and unlocks the front door.

They climb the stairs and then Eliott opens the door to his flat, Lucas follows.

Oh, right, he doesn't have his keys so he thinks he can stay here with Eliott until Arthur or Yann come back?

Well he's wrong.

"Put it here," says Eliott and Lucas does so, put those bags on the floor. "Thanks," Eliott adds unvilingly. He doesn´t like this new habbit, thanking Lucas for stuff. He doesn´t like it. 

"I'm happy I could help," Lucas smiles and Eliott-

Eliott is suddenly so done with him.

"Okay stop it," he snaps at him. God knows why it made him angry so much, but what this person fucking wants? What is he doing? Why is he pretending? What is he hiding?

He changes his opinion from earlier. He wants to know. Now. 

"What?" Lucas asks, eyebrows furrowed, confused.

"Stop with this, now, I'm not buying any of your bullshits," says Eliott, clenched jaw, furious eyes.

"Stop with what? Eliott, what are you talki-"

"God, stop pretending! You really think I'm an idiot?"

"No, why would I-"

"Because I'm fucking NOT, do you hear me? I see right through you and I know what you doing here, what are you trying to do here. You fucking lying to everyone and you think nobody notice? Well you're wrong, because I did! I did notice!"

"What I'm doing here? I don't understand, what are you talking about?" Lucas stares at him and Eliott hates how his blue eyes seem to make a fucking hole to his own.

"You're so full of crap! What are you hiding, Lucas? What is your freaking secret? You acting like this, just.... You're so funny and smart and nice, fucking nice to everyone and everyone loves you and your stupid sunshine energy shining all over you, it's fucking annoying! My friends love you and they know you for, what, few weeks?" Eliott snorts, he's slightly breathless but he's so angry he has to let it all out. He can't stop now, he can't stop himself.

"Maybe you played all of them, maybe they are too far in this, but not me, Lucas, not me, you know? I hate this, I can't stand it, your stupid cute smiles and your piercing eyes seriously _what the hell_ and you...you taking care of me when I have a fever and.. and wrapped me into blankets and making me fucking soup and you... you helping me with my fucking bags and I'm not even _nice_ to you, I never was even fucking _friendly_ to you and didn't accept you in our squad and you.. and you... you have always this annoying stupid blue gaze for me like for everyone else and that smile and fuck I know it's _something wierd_ abou-"

Suddenly, Eliott's back hits the wall with force, air leaves his lungs and there are those lips, hot and sweet on his and Lucas is kissing him, his hands in Eliott's hair, tugging and running through it and Eliott is in shock, because what the fuck is happening, but then he taste the sweeteness of pink chewing gums on Lucas' lips and he smells the sweet scent of it and he feels Lucas' lips opening his own and he just.... does that.

He kisses him back.

His mind goes blank and he cups Lucas' face and kissing him back, it's rushed and passionate and he feels the pink sweet taste on Lucas tongue and truly, he had never been kissed like this, he never felt something like this with stupid kiss.

Lucas shoves him against the wall with his own body and Eliott's moan got lost in Lucas' mouth.

Eliott feels Lucas' one hand under his t-shirt, stroking his hip and Eliott's skin is burning under the touch of Lucas' cold fingers. The other hand is on his neck, gripping the hair on the back, pulling him down, closer to Lucas' lips.

"Lucas," Eliott breathes out unwillingly and tugs for Lucas' hair between his fingers, tilting Lucas´ head just to kiss him more-

The warmth is suddenly gone, hands are gone, Lucas is gone, steping backwards from Eliott with hand over his mouth, wide shocked eyes.

"Fuck," he lets out, bringing both his hands to his hair, tugs for them, looking terrified.

His lips are red and swollen and his hair complete mess, t-shirt slipping from his one shoulder and he look so stupidly hot, really, it's fucking annoying, it's-

Eliott doesn't know what it is. He doesn't know anymore. He standing there in shock, panting. What the hell just happened?

"Fuck," Lucas says again, he even sounds terrified. "I'm s-so sorry Eliott, I-" he stutters.

What?

"I'm.. I shouldn't have done that, I'm truly sorry..." he says and then "I have to go."

And in the next second

he's gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go. 
> 
> tumblr: briallenko (come and spit into my face whenever you want)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliott stares out of the window, not seeing shit. He fighting a battle with his own body and mind.
> 
> Body, which is urging to run and run and looking for Lucas, search whole city until Eliott will find him. 
> 
> Mind, which is terrified. Terrified about what that kiss meant. Terrified that it didn´t mean anything. Terrified what could have happen to Lucas. Terrified what he should say to his friends. Terrified about that new feeling he has about Lucas. Terrified that it was there all the time but Eliott didn´t want to see it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don´t even know what to say anymore. Sorry for being annoying with irregular updates. It just...happened itself? Somehow? Under my fingers?
> 
> (Monday dec 23 - Christmas Elu one shot fic.)
> 
> TW: violence; talks about mental disorders; competition called "who´s bigger idiot in love"

...

THURSDAY

  
Eliott´s lying in his bed for hours by now, staring at the ceiling. The feeling of Lucas´ lips on his still very clear and live in his mind.   


For _fucksake_. 

  
How that happened?

Does Lucas....likes him or something? No, it´s not possible, Eliott was always giving him so much shit. 

  
Eliott wants to talk to him, he wants to know what that supposed to mean, he wants to hear Lucas´ explanation, but firstly - he has no clue _what_ to say and _how_ to say that, and secondly - he realizes he has no contact to Lucas. He can´t call him. He doesn't have his number and he can´t just appear at his door, can he? Arthur and Yann are there. And he can´t just... tell them, right?

  
And when he tries to find Lucas on instagram, he finds nothing.

  
He clicks on that photo at Yann's profile, that one with Arthur and happy Lucas between them, from that evening boys were out with Lucas without Eliott, but Lucas isn't tagged there, only Yann.

Idriss´ photos with Lucas on his back, same. No tag. Eliott even checks Yann´s and Arthur´s and Sofiane´s and Idriss´ following people, but no Lucas there either. 

  
Lucas doesn't have an instagram? What? And Eliott doesn't have facebook account to check if he's at least there or not.

  
Eliott thought that someone like him, like Lucas, with that style of his, with the fact he apparantely plays the guitar and whatever else... He really thought Lucas would be one of those who wants to show that to the world.

  
But no.

  
He was wrong about that too.

  
 _Again_.

  
Like in everything else.

  
Because Lucas really IS this sunny generous kind smiley boy. He was pure and honest in his behaviour all the damn time, from the beginning, Eliott was just jealous prick who didn't want to see it.

  
...

  
It´s almost midnight when the notifications from group chat with boys starts buzzing with Eliott´s phone.   
He doesn´t sleep. He can´t, of course he can´t. His mind replays the kiss again and again for hours. 

  
Eliott is not very active in that group chat. But when he sees Lucas´ name in Yann´s message, he opens the chat and his heart starts beating louder. 

  
**(23:46)**  
 **Yann:** _Yo, did you guys see Lucas?_  
 **Idriss:** _he´s your damn roommate_  
 **Sofiane:** _what you mean by that?_  
 **Arthur:** _He´s not home so we thought he´s with you guys...?_  
 **Idriss:** _no not here_  
 **Sofiane:** _he has long school, no?_  
 **Yann:** _It´s fucking midnight Sof, nobody has this long school_  
 **Sofiane:** _....right._  
 **Idriss:** _didn´t you say you barely see him at home? he might be just somewhere and come home late_  
 **Arthur:** _He´s never late like this. He has early class tomorrow._  
 **Sofiane:** _he´s an adult, lets not think about something bad, he can take care of himself_

  
Eliott feels sick. 

  
Jesus. Lucas is gone. Lucas is gone because of him, surely. What that´s suppose to mean that _he can take care of himself?_ Eliott shakes with the image of that stupid homophobic asshole from the night in the club. How Lucas looked so small and has no strenght to get rid of him. 

  
Lucas is gone, in the middle of the night, somewhere, and he's so small and nice and cute and-

  
Jesus, what if something happens to him?

Would it be Eliott's fault?

  
Of fucking course it would be his fault! He was fucking asshole to him all the time and when Lucas kissed him and Eliott kissed him back... Lucas must think it was wrong thing to do because of Eliott's behaviour.

But

But Eliott wants to kiss him again. Now. Right the fuck _now_. If he wasn't so blind and stupid, they could be boyfriends by now with all kisses and hugs and cuddling and all that stupid shit Eliott loves so much.

  
And Lucas would not be out there, somewhere, _alone_.

  
Eliott stops right there. Since when Eliott wants to Lucas be his _boyfriend_?

Oh dear lord, Eliott is just worried. 

Fuck.

  
Eliott marching around his room and his heart racing like crazy.

  
What he can do now? What he should do now?

He can't go to the boys and ask them for Lucas' number, can he? They would be stare at him like he lost his mind because they all think Eliott hates Lucas.

  
What a fucking lie.

  
How could he.

How could _anyone_. 

  
He lied to them, to Lucas, to himself. All the time.

  
He can't ask them for his number because they would be asking stupid questions and Eliott can't tell them, can he? He can't tell them he yelled at Lucas because he helped him with groceries and then Lucas kissed him and Eliott kissed him back and then Lucas ran away. 

  
Fuck what a fucking prick Eliott is! Now when he thinks about it, it's even worse than he thought. He was really so damn mean to Lucas.

  
Eliott stares out of the window, not seeing shit. He fighting a battle with his own body and mind. Body, which is urging to run and run and looking for Lucas, search whole city until Eliott will find him. 

Mind, which is terrified. Terrified about what that kiss meant. Terrified that it didn´t mean anything. Terrified what could have happen to Lucas. Terrified what he should say to his friends. Terrified about that new feeling he has about Lucas. Terrified that it was there all the time but Eliott didn´t want to see it. 

  
Eliott doesn´t know how much time passed while he was staring out of the window, biting his lips until he feels blood on his tongue. He doesn´t know how much time passed while he was sitting on the ground, knees close to his chest, thinking and thinking and still know fucking nothing about what the fuck he should do.

When the group chat notifications buzzes again, he almost jumps.

  
 **(1:14)**  
 **Arthur:** _FUCK FUCK FUCK_  
 **Sofiane:** _geez, art, go to fucking sleep_  
 **Idriss:** _what the fuck bro, it´s night. remind me to switch off my wifi next time._  
 **Arthur:** _Lucas is back._  
 **Sofiane:** _oh, that´s good! Is he alright?_  
 **Arthur:** _No, he´s definitely NOT ALRIGHT FUCK_  
 **Idriss:** _what happened?_  
 **Arthur:** _He´s fucking beaten up._  
 **Sofiane:** _HE´S WHAT_  
 **Arthur:** _His face is a mess._  
 **Idriss:** _NO! NOT HIS PRECIOUS FACE!_

Eliott stares at it and he wants to cry. 

  
**(1:17)**  
 **Arthur:** _There is blood and bruises and according to how heavy his breathing sounds, he might have broken ribs? HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO KNOW?!_  
 **Idriss:** _did he say what happened?_  
 **Arthur:** _No, he didn´s say a word. He´s holding Yann like his life would depend on it. HE´S SHAKING FUCK WHAT WE SHOULD DO I DON´T FUCKING KNOW_  
 **Sofiane:** _fuck_  
 **Idriss:** _my poor little Lucas. TELL ME WHO DID THAT I´M GONNA KILL THEM !!! FUCKING ASSHOLES_  
 **Arthur:** _I don´t know, he doesn´t speak. In his state I´m kinda glad he breathes at least._  
 **Idriss:** _IMMA GO KILL THEM ALL I SWEAR!!!!!_  
 **Arthur:** _Sof, you had first aid workshop, no? Can you come over and look at him? Please. We´re helpless._  
 **Sofiane:** _be right there_

  
Eliott hears Sofiane´s door open and then the front door too. And he wants to yell, because he wants to see Lucas but he´s also scared to see him. To see what he had done. 

Fuck.

  
FUCK!

  
Eliott goes to the kitchen to make himself some coffee. Yes. It´s half past one at thursday (or friday) night. So what. He knows he won´t fall asleep anyways. 

  
Eliott´s fingers trembling as he´s holding his coffee mug while he stares at the front door. 

  
It seems like eternity when Sofiane finally comes back. In the same time he opens the front door, Idriss opens his room´s door and enters the living room. 

  
"So? How is he?" Idriss asks and Sofiane sighs. Eliott notices the bloody spot on Sofiane´s fingers and he coughs with the urge to throw up right then and there.

  
"He´s okay. It looked worse than it actually was. When I and the boys managed to clean him up, it didn´t look so scary," Sofiane says and scratches his forehead. "The bruises will be more visible in the next few days."

  
"Does he have broken ribs?" Idriss asks then and Eliott´s eyes snap to Sofiane.

  
"No, he´s okay," Sofiane says and Eliott breathes out the air he´s been holding for god knows how long. "I mean I´m not a doctor but I saw broken ribs before and this is not the case."

  
Eliott feels so fucking relieved and he isn´t even aware of the fact that his eyes are filled with water so when he blinks and tears fall on his cheeks, he brushes it away like it burns on his skin. 

  
"Eliott? You okay bro?" asks Sofiane, watching him with a little concern. 

  
Eliott nods, maybe a little too much and too fast and too many times, but he just trying to find his voice again. "Yeah," he chokes out then. "I´m glad he´s gonna be okay," Eliott mumbles and leaves to his room in hurry. 

  
...

  
WEDNESDAY

  
With today, it´s gonna be six days. Six fucking days. 

Six days since Lucas kissed him. 

Six days since Lucas got hurt because of him.

Six days since he last saw Lucas. 

Six days of thinking and thinking and standing in front of the next door and giving himself speeches in his head to knock at the fucking door only to chickening right after because with all that overthinking he still came to nothing. He still didn´t figure what the fuck he should say. 

  
What about: "Hey, remember me? I´m that guy who yelled at you and who you kissed right after last thursday. Fun fact: I really want to kiss you again. Anyways, how are you?"

Yeah, maybe not. 

  
Eliott was looking for Lucas around campus. He was walking around the building of philosophic faculty every free period just to see if the universe has some mercy on him and let him see Lucas. 

  
Nothing. 

Absolutely fucking nothing. 

  
...

  
"Are you sure you´re not going with us?" asks Idriss for the thousand times.

  
"Yes, I´m sure, Idriss, say hi to Alex for me," Eliott answers. "And don´t you dare eat the brownies in the train, I made them for him!"

  
"Yeah, no promises. You should go with us and take care of them yourself," says Sofiane with playful smirk. 

  
"I fucking can´t, I have a lot things to do for school, because I was an idiot for the past weeks and didn´t do shit to any of my classes," Eliott sighs, because yeah, that´s right, he was so consumed by hating new member of their squad, that he bailed on every essay and assignment he had to do for school. 

  
"Well okay, you´re right, you are an idiot," says Idriss, Eliott rolls his eyes. 

  
Boys leaving to Belgium today, visit Alex. Yann found cheap last minute tickets and none of them has a lot to do for school (unlike Eliott), so they decided to go. 

  
"Hey, anyone see my bag?" asks Eliott because he has to go to school. And he was sure he has his bag right here on the chair-

  
"Here," says Sofiane, handing him his brown leather school bag. Eliott looks at him with raised eyebrows in question. "You had it on the couch," Sofiane shrugs and goes to the bathroom. 

  
Okay, maybe Eliott doesn´t have enough coffee yet and he´s not paying attention. It´s still early morning so, it´s acceptable. 

  
"Okay boys, have fun and don´t do anything what I wouldn´t do," he calls loudly as he´s heading to the front door.   
Idriss and Sofiane collecting their stuff to get ready too. 

  
"Sure thing. So, in fact, we can do anything, you saying, right?" Sofiane laughs as Eliott opens the door just to see Arthur and Yann at their own open door. 

  
"Don´t stay out too late, okay? At least not alone," Eliott hears Yann saying. He stands at the door, leaning inside. 

  
"Okay, mom," Lucas' quiet voice answers and then Eliott hears the chuckle and his heart speeds up a bit. 

  
"Seriously, Lulu, please, stay safe. We want to find you in one piece when we´ll come back," adds Arthur in such a kind voice that Eliott has to swallow the lump in his throat. 

  
"Promise. Now go or you´ll miss your train," Lucas says and Eliott really wants to see him. But no, he´s hidden behind the door. 

  
Eliott says his goodbye to all the boys and goes to school. He has no will to do anything today, but he has to. He has to, he´s already late with everything. 

  
But when he´s sitting in the library at his free time between last class and art workshop, trying to deal with some of his essays, his mind constantly betraying him with the thoughts of one little beautiful boy. 

  
...

  
Eliott goes home after his evening workshop, stops at the grocery store to buy something for dinner and when he finally arrives to his building, he's so tired he could lay down here and sleep.

  
Thank god his flat is empty for a few days now, he can get proper sleep at least.

  
Two girls holding hands and laughing open the door and the one with black and purple hair holds them for him.

  
"Thanks," says Eliott and before the door shuts behind him, he hears the blond one say: "Oh wow Jo, you such a polite and shit, you really forcing me to fall in love with you over and over again, huh?"

  
Their laugh goes down slowly with every Eliott's step to the stairs.

  
On the landlord's door is big sign

  
**VACATION: MONDAY - FRIDAY**   
**IF YOU NEED SOMETHING, DON'T.**

  
Eliott huffs a laugh because he actually really likes that old man.

  
He hears the guitar plays in the distance, muffled sound, pretty, calming. He could fall asleep with that sound in his ears.

  
When he's looking for his keys, he can't find them. Slight panic settles in his stomach.

  
"Shit," Eliott mumbles and put all his things out from his bag, all over the floor, searching in all the pockets and literally everywhere and nothing.

  
 _Nothing_.

  
But he´s really fucking sure he has them in the back pocket of his bag. He has them there all the time. What the fuck. 

Eliott sighs.

Why. Why now. Why today, when boys are in different country. 

  
He collects his stuff back to his brown bag, waits for a few more seconds and breathes. Guess he has to deal with it today, then, huh?

  
He holds his breath and knocks at the next door.

  
The door swings open and Lucas stands there with beige long-sleeve t-shirt and black sweatpants. And with glasses.  
He looks so cute, it's abnormal.

  
Dark bruise on his right cheek,under his eye, another one almost invisible on his chin.  
Eliott really wants to know who did that and kill them. 

But for now, he has to be normal. 

  
"Hi-"

  
"I'm sorry, Eliott, I can't right now," says Lucas and wants to close the door again but Eliott catches them before he could do that.

  
"Wait!" he says and Lucas stops in his track but not meeting his eyes. Eliott wonders why he misses the piercing blue gaze, when he supposed to hate it some time ago.

  
Which seems like ages ago, really.

  
"Eliott, I really-"

  
"Lucas, please, I don't have keys and boys won't be back sooner than on saturday. Can I please stay here over night?" Eliott pleads and he hates it, but he has to.

  
"Go to the landlord for a spare key, then," says Lucas and his voice sounds strange. It's completely different from his always so nice and kind and cheerful voice, this is something else.

  
Sad.

  
Lifeless.

  
"Been there, he's on the vacation, be back on friday," says Eliott and okay, he didn't go there, not exactly, but the note on landlord's door speaks clearly, when he passed the door. 

  
Lucas hessitates for a few moments more and then he let the door wide open and goes back to the couch. Eliott follows and shut the door behind him.

  
"I won't be a burden, I promise. I'll text the boys and sleep in Yann's room. You can go back to whatever you were doing before," Eliott blurs out and pulls out his phone to text Yann.

  
"I... I'm gonna go sleep," says Lucas, shuts his laptop, pick up the black guitar from the couch and goes to his room. It's only 9pm.

  
"Lucas, wait-" Eliott wants to say something, not really know what, yet, but Lucas closes the door before he can say anything else.

  
...

  
THURSDAY

  
Lucas is gone before Eliott wakes up.

  
He comes out from Yann's room (Yann had absolutely no problem with that when Eliott texted him last night, described his situation, and both him and Arthur told him he can borrow their clothes, if he needs. They were so nice, it was almost suspicious...) and smells the fresh coffee.

  
On the kitchen counter there truly lays kettle with hot coffee, mug, little spoon, sugar and milk.

And nugate croissants.

  
Next to that lays a key on the piece of paper with note, written words in small letters

IF YOU NEED

and Eliott just stares at it for really long time.

  
He doesn't know what was yesterday going on with Lucas, but today he maybe woke up as his true polite self again? Who knows.

  
Also Lucas made a coffee for him even when he himself is not a coffee drinker. Eliott pours that to mug (dark blue with hogwarts erb), adds sugar and milk and takes a sip.

  
It was surprisingly good.

  
Eliott doesn't know why, but this was another of those little things what makes Eliott think: what is that boy hiding?

  
And then he platonicaly slaps himself for thinking such a thing about Lucas. When Lucas is just so kind and polite and so nice to Eliott. Fucking hell, this is so confusing. 

Eliott doesn´t know what to think anymore. 

  
...

  
Eliott rushes back home from his afternoon classes.

  
Well, no. Not home. To the dorm. To his friends' flat. Not home.

  
No. He's not like _somebody_ and he's NOT be calling his dorm room 'home'.

  
He WON'T.

  
Anyways, Eliott rushes back ho-

Uh..

To the flat.

  
In hope that Lucas will already be there and they can talk.

  
(or not)

  
Eliott doesn't know what he wants to talk about with Lucas, he just knows that he wants... he wants... he... okay he doesn't know what the fuck he wants. He just decided today that he hates the unclearness between them and he wants to make things clear. He wants to talk about it, even when he doesn´t know how. 

  
All his worries faded away when he opens the door just to meet with silence. The flat looks exactly like Eliott left it this morning.

  
He's definitely not dissapointed. No. He's _not_. The sad feeling in his stomach is not dissapointment, it's.. It's... He's tired, okay? So he should take a nap.

  
And that's exactly what Eliott does.

  
...

  
Quiet melody wakes him up. It's already dark outside. He's tired but he never had better waking up than this.

  
This soft music in the background.

  
And then the singing.

  
Eliott knows this song. The lyrics... it's so familiar. He listens to that in his low. He listens to that when he's almost out of his depressed episode.

  
_"With your feet in the air and your head on the ground_   
_Try this trick and spin it, yeah_   
_Your head will collapse_   
_But there's nothing in it_   
_And you'll ask yourself_   
_Where is my mind_   
_where is my mind where is my mind... "_

  
Yeah, Eliott knows it. Really fucking well.

  
He enters the living room quietly and sees Lucas sitting on the couch with guitar, looking at the laptop screen, glasses on his nose.

  
Eliott will never get used to it.

  
Lucas eyes snap up and he startles with that sight of Eliott.

  
"Fuck, I forgot you'll be here," says quietly. "Sorry if I woke you with this."

  
"Oh, no, no worries, all good, it's your flat, anyways," Eliott goes and sits to the armchair next to the couch. Lucas doesn't say a word, scrolling the internet page, watching the screen with serious expression, his face illuminate with the warm light.

  
He looks...

....outworldly.

  
"Where have you been?" asks Eliott before his mind could go back to the kiss in Eliott's hallway.

  
"When?" asks Lucas, confused.

  
"Today. I came here pretty late and you were still out or something...?"

  
"No, I have evening classes almost every day," says Lucas.

  
"Oh, yeah..." says Eliott. "How was your day?"

  
Lucas finally looks at him, looks him in the eyes, saying "What is this? Why are you so..."

  
"So what?"

  
"So nice. Why are you so nice to me? What happened to your petty self I appreciated before?" Lucas half-joking, Eliott can see the sign of smile playing in the corner of his lips.

  
Eliott shrugs. "It seems like you always bring out the worst in me," says in joke too.

  
But Lucas doesn't smiling anymore. He's completely serious. He looks down, then back to Eliott, then down again, his left hand caresses the neck of the guitar.

  
"Yeah, well... Wierd. You bringing out the best in me," says Lucas softly.

  
Eliott stares at him but Lucas looks down and starts play again, few strings in the pretty melody.

  
Okay, enough.

  
"Okay Lucas, stop," says Eliott, gets up and sits next to him, takes the guitar from his hands, lays it down on the armchair where he was sitting moment ago.

  
" What-" starts Lucas but Eliott doesn't let him.

  
"Can we please talk about that?" says Eliott, trying to look him in the eyes, but Lucas doesn't fucking let him.

  
"About what?"

  
"About that what happened. About that kiss," says Eliott and wonders, where all the bravery suddenly came from. Where he found the words. 

  
Lucas takes a deep breath, closes his eyes.

  
"I think we should talk about that," says Eliott again, sitting right next to him.

  
"I don't wanna talk," says Lucas almost as a whisper.

  
"Okay, then don't," says Eliott, brings his hand to Lucas' cheek, tilted his head and kisses him.

  
Eliott immediately smells the sweet scent and feels the sweet taste and he inhales sharply with his lips on Lucas'. He doesn´t even know how much he misses it. 

  
His mind is blank, so don't ask him why he's doing that. He wants to. He wanted to kiss him since their first kiss ended and now he just did that, finally, and it´s amazing. 

  
Lucas is firstly in shock, apparantely, but then Eliott feels he's kissing him too, Lucas kissing him back and Eliott cups his face with both hands, holding him there, stroking his soft cheeks with his thumbs. Gently and carefuly on his bruised cheek. 

  
Then he feels hands on his chest, pushing him away.

  
"No no no, Eliott, stop-" Lucas mumbles.

  
"Lucas, please, just..." Eliott kisses him again and then he pulls away and takes off Lucas' glasses. He sees his eyes clearly now, and it's more beautiful view than he ever remembers.

  
Why he ever hated it? It's _gorgeous_. Lucas is gorgeous.

  
"Lucas..." Eliott whispers and leans back to him to kiss him again.

  
"No no, Eliott, _stop_ , no-" Lucas leans away and shifts himself farther from him on the couch.

  
"Lucas, _please_ ," says Eliott, reaching a hand to touch his leg, but Lucas brings his knees to his chest and hugs them with his arms. "Lucas please," Eliott repeats, doesn't really know why.

  
"No, we can't, we can't do that, I can't," Lucas shaking his head, his eyes sparkle with filled water.

  
"Why not?"

  
"I can't, please, just, don't-"

  
"Why not?" Eliott repeats desperately, he doesn't understand shit.

  
"Why don't you hate me?" asks Lucas. "Why don't you hate me? You suppose to be hating me. Why don't you hate me, Eliott?" Lucas voice breaks and tears falling down his cheeks.

  
"I don't, I don't," Eliott shakes his head, swallow and moves inch closer to Lucas. "I don't hate you, Lucas, I don't.

  
And when he says that out loud, he realizes how true is that.

  
He never hated him. How could someone hate Lucas? How could someone hate walking sunshine, so kind and funny and caring and generous and breathtakingly beautiful person?

  
It's impossible.

  
Lucas cries and Eliott moves a little closer.

  
"Why don't you hate me?" says Lucas again. "It would be easier if you would hate me, like before."

  
Eliott stares, then moves closer again.

  
"What would be easier?"

  
Lucas shakes his head.

  
"What would be easier, Lucas?"

  
He shakes his head again, hands cover his face. He has bruises on the back of his right hand. Eliott cut the distance between them, takes Lucas' hands slowly off of his face.

  
"Hey," he says softly and Lucas shniffles. "Take a deep breath," Lucas does and it sounds shaky. "Tell me what's going on."

  
It takes a while before Lucas finally says something. Eliott still holding his hands since that moment he takes them off of Lucas' face, let them in Lucas' lap, he's leaning to him, stomach and chest pressed to Lucas' shins and knees. Lucas has them still up, like a barricade between them.

  
"I'm so fucked up," says Lucas, eyes with wet eyelashes blinking. Eliott waits for Lucas to continue and when he doesn't, he squeezes his hands a little.

  
"What do you mean?"

  
Lucas sighs, takes his hands away from Eliott's and sits down properly on the couch, facing the room, sideways to Eliott.

  
Eliott sits there, watching him carefully. Something is obviously bothering Lucas, deeply, and Eliott hates it.

  
Yeah, how this happened? When?

  
"Look, Eliott, I don't really know what's going on here, but truth to be told, it's nothing. It's nothing. I can't allow this to happen," he says and points between the two of them with his index.

  
"Why not?" asks Eliott. Again.

  
"Because I-" Lucas sighs desperatedly. "Because I'm one of those people who suppose to stay alone all their life, okay?"

  
"What the hell?" Eliott straightens himself on the couch.

  
"My mom is schizophrenic, Eliott," says Lucas with small voice. And Eliott

  
Eliott understands. Eliott finally understands why was Lucas so protective and furious about him, when Lucille and her idiot mocking him about his bipolarity.

  
About his mental health. 

  
"Lucas... I would be the biggest hypocrite if that would bothering me, don't you think?"

  
"Yeah but I'm gonna be too!" Lucas almost screams, stands up and takes a few steps away. Then turns back to Eliott, who sits there, staring at him, speechless. Few sobs escape Lucas´ mouth and tears keep falling down his cheeks and Eliott hates it. 

  
"When my mom found out about her schizophrenia, she took me to the doctor for tests. They... They were examine me like a lab rat..." Lucas shakes his head with another sob escaping his throat and Eliott clenches his fists. "And after all that shit they told my mom I have 70% chance to have schizophrenia too."

  
Eliott forgets how to breathe.

  
"And when I was a little older, I went there again and they told me the chance is 82% now. Since then I've never been there, never again, too afraid about what I could hear from them and a-also-" Lucas cries. "I hate those tests," he adds in a whisper. 

  
Eliott thinking about the fact that nobody discover the time machine yet, because he would sell his soul to have it, go back to the past and kick his past self up for his shitty behaviour to this person. He has so much pain hidden inside the tiny body and he manages to smile like a sun to everybody around him? 

  
Eliott thinks about the fact that he never saw _stronger_ and _braver_ person, never in his life. 

  
Eliott thinks about the fact that when he watches Lucas right in front of him, right now, standing there in the middle of the living room, crying, sobbing, tears and snot on his bruised beautiful face, shaking, hugging his chest with his arms tightly like he might be fall apart any second, Eliott thinks about the fact that he might fell in love with this boy. 

Right the fuck now. 

  
"Lucas..." he says softly. He just wants to take this pain away. "Lucas, I´m bipolar, if you don´t remember. I have bipolar disorder. Do you really think that I would run away from you just because you have some chances to be schizophrenic? I don´t know what yo-"

  
"Yeah, you´re bipolar, Eliott, you have this specific diagnosis for some time by now, probably, you know how to handle it, you have medication, you´re you, you´re yourself, you´re still yourself and I bet you know how to predict episode when it´s about to come, right?" Lucas says and Eliott stares, because yeah, it´s totally true. He knows how to say when another episode is about to come, like, in 95% of the cases. He feels it. 

  
Lucas can see on his face that he´s right, apparantely. 

  
"But I... I know nothing, Eliott. I know absolutely fucking nothing! I don´t know when it comes. It can be tomorrow, you know? Or in ten years, or in twenty years, I have no clue," Lucas´ voice breaks on every other word and Eliott watches him and all he wants to do is wrap him in his arms and never let anything to hurt him, never again.   
"My mom´s personality changed so much, she´s completely different person than she used to be. And it seems like every time I go to visit her, she´s different. And the next time, she´s different again. And most of the time she doesn´t even remember who I am."

  
"Lucas, I´m so sorry, I didn´t-"

  
"I don´t want to hurt anybody with that, when it comes to me, Eliott. Because I know how much it´s hurting me with my mom," Lucas takes a step back. "And I´m sorry I kissed you last week, I´m so sorry, I shouldn´t have done that, but I like you, Eliott, I like you so much, so fucking much..." 

  
Eliott can´t think. He can´t fucking think. What?? Lucas likes him? How? How can he, when Eliott was the biggest asshole.

  
"Since the very first moment I met you... Actually no, it was before, because Idriss and Sofiane talked about you, they told me such an amazing things and I was half in love before I even met you."

  
What-

  
in love?

  
"And then I saw you and, god, Eliott, you´re so beautiful, you know, you´re stunning."

  
Eliott starts shaking his head because no no no Lucas no _that´s you who are beautiful_ fuck-

  
"I thought it´s gonna be easier for me to get over you when you hate me," Lucas says, taking another step away. "I´m sorry I kissed you, it was stupid from me," another step. "Never in my life I would expect you would like me back," another step. "And never in my life I would want this life for you. This, me, all this shit," Lucas is so far by now, Eliott stands up from the couch. Why is he still sitting? "Never in my life I would want to burden you like this," he says so quietly. "I don´t want to be a burden. I won´t," he says. "I´m alone in this. I need to be alone in this."

And with that, he slips into his room and closes the door behind him. 

  
....

  
Eliott lays in Yann´s bed wearing Arthur´s pajamas, thinking about all the times Lucas ran away from him. It wasn´t once or twice. It was so many that Eliott couldn´t even count it. 

  
Then he thinks about the reason. 

  
Why Lucas thought he has to run away?

  
He came to conclusion that it´s because Eliott didn´t give him any reason _not_ to think that. And also, Eliott started it. Eliott ran away the first time they met. Eliott ran away the first time they hang out with boys at their flat on game night. 

  
Fucking prick Eliott is. 

  
Now, when he lays in this bed which is not his, lays there, staring at the ceiling, thinking, the silence in the flat is deafening. 

  
_"I´m alone in this."_

says Lucas.

  
Okay, no, Eliott doesn´t have that. 

  
He gets up and walks out of Yann´s room just to go to Lucas´. He hessitates there for a moment and when he hears some quiet noise from there, he slowly opens the door. 

  
Lucas is curled on his bed under blanket. Eliott can see his body shaking. And he hears the sniffles. He´s crying again. _Again_ or _still_?  
Fuck that. 

  
Eliott goes closer, then he lifts the duvet and lays down behind Lucas. He presses his chest to Lucas´ back, brings his hands to hug the small boy around his chest. 

  
"Leave me alone," says Lucas in a whimper. 

  
"Never," says Eliott and kisses his shoulder, then he hugs him tighter. Lucas is all tense, his arms pressed to his chest, clenched fists. Eliott gently holds his hand with one of his and tries to interwine their fingers. 

  
"Please, Eliott, leave me alone," Lucas whispers in broken voice and no, Eliott won´t leave him, not again, not ever, just no. 

  
"You´re not alone in this, Lucas," he says and finally manage to interlock their fingers. Then he holds him a little more around his chest with his other hand, burries his face to Lucas' soft soft soft hair, smelling like a watermelon.   
"You won´t be."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why am I like this. 
> 
> (next chapter probably from Lucas´ pov just to clear things up)
> 
> tumblr: briallenko


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They can talk tomorrow, Lucas will explain everything, every single reason why is this a bad idea and Eliott will understand and leave. Because nobody needs that. Nobody wants that. 
> 
> Yeah, they can talk tomorrow. 
> 
> For now, he squeezes Eliott´s hand which has fingers interlocks with Lucas´ and Eliott squeezes back. For now, he lets Eliott´s heat keep him warm. For now, he´s trying to remember the feeling of Eliott´s nose in his hair, Eliott´s lips on his shoulder. Eliott´s arms around him. Eliott´s hand holding his. Eliott´s presence so close to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It´s me again. This one cute girl in comments on tumblr ask about chapter 5 so i´m posting now.  
> Let´s make a deal: every time I will be done with next chapter, I´ll just post it. Okay? No weeks silence or some shit.  
> Also THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR COMMENTS, I LITERALLY CRIED over that.
> 
> This one is from LUCAS´ POV. Don´t expect any progress. This is just spilling the tea aka Lucas´ life story.  
> Is it too much? Yes of course it damn IS.  
> Enjoy.
> 
> TW: violence; bullying; homophobic talks; mental disorder talks; mention of blood; suicadal behaviour

...

  
Lucas´ childhood was something he would like to forget. Everything about it. 

  
When he was growing up, his father starts giving all credits to him. Not for a good stuff. Just for the bad. 

  
When Lucas fell on his bicycle and came home with scretched knee and elbow, crying, his mom was cleaning it up and she had this concern look in her blue eyes, his father came and started yell at Lucas.

  
"See what you have done? Your mom is sad because of you!"

  
And Lucas brushed his tears away, burried it all down down down inside him and smiled at his mom. "Look, mom, I´m okay, it not hurts anymore, I´m okay, don´t be sad," he said and he was smiling and smiling all evening and few other days. 

  
Until he came home with bad grade from french test. He was so anxious about it and he felt guilty. 

  
When his mom saw that, she wanted to assure Lucas that it´s okay, it happens sometimes. It´s really not a big deal. But then his father heard her and he came to Lucas, sqeezed his arm painfully and shook with him. 

  
"You´re stupid or what? French is your native language, how can you have bad grade from your own languge? Idiot! You making people around you dissapointed with your stupidity, don´t you get it?" he yelled to Lucas´ face, drops of spits flying from his lips. "Don´t look at me like this, you know I hate it. Go study, now!"

  
And Lucas went to his room, but instead of studying he was looking at himself to the mirror and practicing his smile. He never wanted to make his mom sad, or anyone, ever again. 

  
Lucas was growing up into very anxious and very smiley boy. 

  
...

  
When Lucas was fourteen, his mom was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Lucas was terrified, because he was pretty smart kid by then and he searched on internet and when he learn about all those things what could come together with schizophrenia, he was in absolut dismay. He became more anxious than before, because he was afraid he could make his mom sad and didn´t she already has too much on her plate?

  
His mom took Lucas to her doctor to learn if he could have some mental issues too. Because not only Lucas was curious, but his mom was just the same, so when she read on the internet it could be genetic, she wanted to know for sure. 

  
Showed up there was a chance for Lucas to be schizophrenic too. And not really small. 

  
His father didn´t know. He seemed to be all caring and everything, he yelled at Lucas for not helping his mom at home, for not doing his homework right after he came home from school, and most of the time, he yelled at him for the fact that he looked unhappy and it making his mom sad. 

  
"Nobody will like you, Lucas, when you look like this. Nobody will like you with your stupid sad face. Why are you always look like this? Nobody likes sad people. Nobody. You will be alone, your whole life, if you would be always like this. Act fucking normal and stop making people around you sad or uncomfortable with your stupid face!" his father yelled at him all the time when Lucas let his anxiety show on his face. 

  
So Lucas pushed it down down down and then he went to his mom with sweet smile on his face and with mug of hot cacao to tell her funny story from his class. Seeing his mom laugh was the best thing for Lucas´ heart. He couldn´t have enough of it. 

  
So he tried and he did it.

  
He became all time smiley and happy and he never made anyone in his proximity sad. Never.   
People loved him. He has so many friends. Nobody talked about him badly, never. Teachers loved him, because he was really very smart thanks to his all time studying and he was smiling all the time. Classmates were happy when he was in their study group, because he was so much fun to be around. Every hint of anxiety inside him Lucas just pushed deep deep down and hided it behind one of his wide smiles. 

  
And then, after the first heavy time his mom had, it all went to hell. 

  
It happened one day before Lucas´ fifteenth birthday. His mom wasn´t at home when he came back from outside. He was wondering where she could go, but he told himself, she´s an adult, she can take care of herself, no? She was okay this morning. 

  
But when his father came home from work and she still wasn´t back, Lucas started to be concerned. And he was so afraid to tell that to his dad. But it showed up he didn´t have to. 

  
Front door bell rang and when Lucas opened the door, he saw two cops and his mom in blanket. His mom went to shopping at the afternoon and when she was on her way back home, she forgot where she lives. Apparantely. 

  
She handed Lucas pack of pink chewing gums. "For you, baby, I always loved them as a kid," she said. 

  
After this incident, his father packed his things and left. He just left. Left them alone. Lucas was desperate, he didn´t know what to do, he was left alone with his ill mom on his fifteenth birthday. 

  
Two weeks later, his father came, packed his mom´s stuff and told Lucas he should find another place to live. And he put Lucas´ mom into this institution and since then Lucas was just all alone. 

  
...

  
When Lucas started his high school, it was absolut hell for him. Years on his high school were the worst in his life. Few friends he had from his middle school was visiting same high school and he thought, yeah, that´s great, I have people I know here. 

But no. 

  
They knew him, yes, but the only thing they did for him was sharing the gossips about him and his ill mom. In the end of his second week in high school nobody wanted to do anything with him. No partner in biology, no study groups. No lunch together. Nothing. 

  
All his classmates, all people who knew him by his name, all of them was mocking him about his mom´s mental ilness. They didn´t even know the right diagnosis. They were mean to him because his mom was "crazy" and they were making up false stories about what´s happening in his private life. 

  
When he found out he´s gay at his sixteen, it was even worse. 

  
One stupid boy stole his phone just to make fun of Lucas and he saw gay websides there. 

  
"Oh my god! You´re _gay_? Seriously? You´re crazy and you´re gay too? This is so fucked up!" he yelled at him that whole cantine heard that. 

  
Since then, the bullying started with all the power. 

  
He was beaten up countless times. His classmates didn´t let him get dressed in the locker room so he had to change into his PE clothes in the bathroom. Some boys didn´t even let him go to boys bathroom, some days. 

  
"What? You wanna piss? Bold of you to assume I wanna have some _fag_ to staring at me and my dick. No, thank you. Get the fuck out!" they screamed at him. 

  
Lucas was on the edge. He didn´t know what to do. He didn´t know how to handle it all anymore. He was still trying to be nice and kind and smiley and fun, but it was so so so damn hard for him. 

  
For a really long time he thought that they behave like that because he was not smiling so much, like before, and that´s why they didn´t like him. He had trouble with sleeping, he had trouble with focusing in his classes. He was also searching a lot about schizophrenia. 

  
He learned that it´s illness of brain and his processes. So he started studying more and more to practice his brain. To get stronger brain. Better. To upgrade his thinking. 

  
There was one time in his third year when he thought he can´t do that anymore. It was too much. The bullies were still there. They were still waiting for him behind the corner just to punch him to his stomach or kick him to his shins. They never did anything on his face to make it visible.   
They were smart. 

  
After every mean word exchange or physical attack they called over their shoulder "If I was you, I would kill myself!" or sometimes: "Hey, why don´t you do a favour to whole world and kill yourself, huh?" or sometimes also: "Wow, I´m suprised you´re still here. It wasn´t enough for you, already? Nobody wants you here, fag!"

  
And one day, when Lucas was lying there on the ground behind the school building, he thought: they´re right. 

  
So he came home - he lived in a flatshare with three college students who were high all the time - took a razor blade and tried it. But he wasn´t brave enough to do that. He did this line into his wrist and when the blood started falling on the ground in the bathroom, he got scared and stopped it. It wasn´t big wound so he managed to stop it. 

  
Then he had a panic attack in his room. 

  
This happened few times. He has thin white - almost silver - scars on both of his wrists and forearms ever since. Short thin lines, like kids drawing the grass, like cuts in the cutting board. 

  
When this awful time of his life ended and he succesfuly finished his high school (because he was really really smart), he started the college. 

  
Lucas created this new life style for himself. After his bac he found himself a job in the catering company and he was working all day every day for three and a half months after his bac and before his college started. He made some money for himself to allow the dormroom at college campus. 

  
He decided he will start college without fear to be himself. So he just bought this rainbow flag pin in the mall for two euros and pinned it to his jacket. 

He won´t be scared anymore. At least not from being gay. 

  
Lucas didn´t drink coffee or alcohol, he didn´t eat too many fried food, he was trying to be healthy so he was going for runs time to time. And he kept himself busy. He was trying to practice his brain to be better, so he read a lot, learn things by his memory. Learn to play the guitar and piano.   
He was doing so many things to low the chances to have schizophrenia. 

  
That didn´t change the fact that he was living in constant fear. He was scared so much. He was visiting his mom twice a week and after every bad day of her he just broke down and cried for hours. 

  
When his father removed his mom to another clinic from across whole city, Lucas changed school just to be closer to her. It was easy because he had perfect results in his studies. So yeah, he was in second year when he met Arthur and Yann, but he was a year younger than they were. 

  
When he met them, he never was so in ease with himself than when he was with them. It was like a miracle. Seriously. They were everything Lucas ever wanted. They were so nice, funny, honest. They weren´t fake or mean or whatever. Since the very first day he spent with them, they were better friends for him than anyone in his whole life ever was. 

  
His smiley and cheerful self jumped out itself. He didn´t even trying. It was just there. With good people, it was right _there_. And he was doing so good. 

  
"Hey, buddy! What is that smell? It makes me drooling, fuck, what is that?" asked Yann when he came back from god knows where the third day of living together. 

  
"Baked potatoes with bacon, cheese and turkey meat. I made a dinner," said Lucas and switched off the oven.

  
"You what?" Yann stared at him. Seriously, Yann was so kind, so good, Lucas loved him already. "Seriously? Wow, Lucas, you´re a _dream_ ," he smiled so wide that Lucas melted inside. 

  
"Where´s Arthur?" asked Lucas after he put three plates on the table. 

"Oh, he´s with Idriss and Sofiane. Those are our friends too. Would it be...a problem if they´ll come for a dinner, too?" Yann added hessitantly. 

  
"Oh god no, not at all, I made too much food anyways," Lucas shook his head and then he put another two plates on the table. 

  
"You´re the best, I swear!" Yann called out loudly and Lucas laughed. 

  
He felt so good with all the boys. Idriss and Sofiane were all fun and Idriss looked like he might have really like Lucas. He looked like he would take care of him since the very first time they speak to each other. He looked like true loyal friend.   
All the boys looked like that. Lucas felt like he can finally _breathe_. 

  
When boys started to talk about their other friend, Eliott, Lucas listened with curiosity. Because, seriously? _Eliott?_ He seemed like a dream boy to Lucas. Idriss showed him one picture of Eliott on his instagram to Lucas and Lucas...

  
Lucas was staring at it for such a long time. And when Idriss locked his phone and continued talking, Lucas wanted to scream _no, wait, let me look at him one more time, please._

  
And with every other thing they told him about Eliott, he was sure he needs to meet him as soon as possible. He couldn´t believe someone like Eliott could even existed.

  
And then he met him.

  
And it

  
didn´t go like he imagine that. 

  
Eliott was _breathtaking_. He looked like painting. He looked like some masterpiece from Louvre. He looked ethereal. 

  
And he hated Lucas. 

  
Lucas was not really okay with that. He heard his father´s voice _nobody will like you, Lucas, when you´re always so sad, you look stupid like this._

  
And he tried his best around Eliott to not make him feel uncomfortable. But it seemed like he was doing exactly that to him, because Eliott hated him. Still. It seemed like Lucas was doing something totally wrong. When he tried to talk with Eliott in the kitchen on their game night, he stormed out of the room before Lucas had a chance to ask him what´s going on, what Lucas can do to make him feel better.

  
He didn´t have a chance. 

  
...

  
When Lucas went to visit his mom, he was met with confused look in nurse´s eyes, saying that his mom was removed to the clinic in Lyon. In _fucking Lyon_. 

  
Lucas went there by train. It lasted _six hours._ Six hours to get there. When he finally saw his mom, he was surprised how good she was. She was happy. So happy. It wasn´t just some clinic. It was nice nursery home. She had the best care there. Nice big living room with kitchen counter, so she could cook for herself, she always loved cooking. And separated bedroom and bathroom. It was so nice. Lucas was surprised with his shitty father´s behaviour. 

  
Guess he did something good for once. And even that it was so far from Lucas now and he probably won´t be able to visit his mom very often, she was happy, and that was the only thing that matters. 

  
It was amazing, Lucas didn´t see her so happy for years. 

  
And then, when she served the spaghetti she made for them on the table, everything went wrong. 

  
Lucas noticed few things. 

  
First, the gas cooker was still on even when the pot wasn´t on it. Without fire. The gas was escaping to the air.  
Second, in the spaghetti were pieces of aluminium foil.   
Third, his mom was just about to eat big fork of spaghetti with that foil in it. 

  
"No, mom, stop!" he said in a rush and cought her hand. "Don´t eat it!" Then he went and switched off the cooker.   
When he was back at the table, his mom looked at him and smiled. 

  
"Thank you, young man, you can go now. I don´t need your service anymore," she said and let Lucas in absolut shock. 

  
"W-what? Mom, what are you talking about?" he said and reached his hand to hold her, but she moved it away. 

  
"I´m sorry? Can you go now, please?" she said and not a single hint of knowing him was in her eyes. And yeah, here we go again, thought Lucas. 

  
"It´s me, Lucas," he said softly. 

  
"Okay, I will remember that," she smiled politely. "Thank you. Now, please, go."

  
Lucas knew that she didn´t remember him for now and that he´s powerless here. He took both plates and threw the meal to the garbage. His mom won´t eat aluminium. 

  
Then he caressed her arm gently and left. 

  
Traveling back was a nightmare. He had breakdown in the train. Alone in empty coupe.  
After four hours, out of nowhere, the train stopped. It had some defect and they were stuck there for hours, Lucas stopped counting.   
He came back to the dorm at 2am in the monday morning. 

  
...

  
Lucas was trying to not to think so much about Eliott. Unsuccesfully. 

He liked him a lot. He didn´t even care that Eliott aparantely didn´t give a shit about him, Lucas just liked him. He knew Eliott is amazing. He knew he´s great artist, even when he didn´t see any of his pieces, yet. He just knew it. He knew Eliott was fun to be around, just because boys were so fun to be around and they were friends with Eliott and they talked about him in so good way. Lucas just wished he could wittness such a situation, when Eliott is just _himself_. 

  
But no. From what Lucas saw, he was constantly making Eliott uncomfortable that he couldn´t relax in Lucas´ proximity. Lucas thought it´s somehow his fault, and he was really trying to change it. But after this visit at him mom´s, he was exhausted. And pissed. 

  
He called his father to make things clear. Why he removed his mom without his knowledge? Why he did that when now his mom is so far from him? 

He was angry. So so so angry. 

  
And then he heard that bitch and asshole talking to Eliott about his mental illness in such a awful disrespectful way and he just... No, he didn´t have that, no. 

  
So he came and told them what he thought about them. To fuck off.  
What he thought about the fact that Eliott had bipolar disorder? Absolutely nothing. 

  
Who is he? He, with his own high chances to have schizophrenia. He´s nobody to judge. And he doesn´t think anything bad about it. If he felt pity? Yes, sure, because people like Eliott don´t deserve that. He deserves more. He deserves the best. But the main fact is, Eliott has mental disorder. But it´s not the end of the world. He´s human being. He´s himself. He´s real person. MI doesn´t make him any less. And he´s not his mental illness.  
He´s Eliott.   
He´s just _Eliott_. Nothing less. 

  
Lucas came home and wanted to go straight to his room, when Arthur stopped him. 

  
"What happened to your back, Lulu?" he asked. 

  
"What?" asked Lucas right back. "Nothing."

  
"It´s not nothing, it definitely is something, your shirt is dirty with blood," Arthur came to him and lifted his t-shirt on his back. "Fuck, Lucas, you have this bloody scratches on your back, what happened?"

  
What? Lucas didn´t feel anything. Well... at least till then. Now, when Arthur said that, he started to feel this itchy pain on his back. 

  
"Ouch..." said Yann who came from the kitchen. "Who did that to you, buddy?" he asked with concern and flame in his eyes like he´s ready to kill whoever Lucas points at. 

  
"I...I f-fell on the pavement," said Lucas, not meeting their eyes. He felt Yann was watching him. 

  
"Come on, I´m gonna clean that from dirt," said Arthur and Lucas went without a word. 

  
It hurt. A lot. He was trying not to show that in front of the boys. Also he let the shirt on. He was scared boys could see the scars on his wrists. So when Arthur finished that, Lucas thanked him with wide grin and went to change his t-shirt. 

  
"I´m gonna make some pasta for dinner, want some?" he asked the boys then. 

  
"Sure thing, love your cooking, Lulu," Yann smiled at him and Arthur nodded with wide smile too. 

  
...

  
Lucas knew he shouldn´t be going to that club party. 

  
He didn´t drink any alcohol, for fuck sake. He had his schedule. He had his own rules. But Yann and Arthur didn´t take it. Neither did Sofiane and Idriss. 

  
"I don´t take any other options than that you coming with us!" almost yelled Arthur. "So stop making poor excuses and go get dressed." 

  
"He´s right, Lulu. We want you with us," added Yann. Boys started to calling him Lulu at some point. Lucas didn´t remember when exactly but he wasn´t complaining. Yann and Arthur for the past short weeks of living together became his best friends. They were the bestest from the best friends he ever could hope for. 

  
So Lucas went to that stupid party. It was stupid, because boys knew a lot of people there but Lucas knew only them. So when they started talk to their friends, Lucas went to the bar and ordered virgin mojito. 

  
When the guy came to him. 

  
"Oh well hello cutie," said to his ear and Lucas shivered. Not in a good way. He turned around with his back pressed to the bar counter. The guy wasn´t Lucas´ type at all, that firstly. And secondly, he was at his thirties and still trying to get someone at club party.   
Wierd.   
Scary. 

  
"Can I help you?" asked Lucas with smile because _nobody will like you Lucas when you look always so stupidly sad._

  
"Yeah I think so," said the guy and leaned closer to him. "So you like guys, is that right?" the guy touched his rainbow flag pin. 

  
"I´m sorry, sir, it´s none of your bussiness," said Lucas and smiled again, a little tense. His anxiety started to bubble up up up from his stomach to his heart which beated faster and faster in his chest. 

  
"Sir? What the fuck," the guy´s laugh wasn´t nice. At all. It sent this wierd uncomfortable feeling to Lucas´ stomach. "You can call me Jared, sweetie," he said and leaned closer closer closer and Lucas wanted it to stop and so when the guy - Jared - grabbed his jacket, Lucas pushed him away and left the club. 

  
Only Jared chased after him.   
He pushed him against the wall and Lucas´ back hurt. 

  
"Don´t you think it´s kinda rude leave like this?" Jared said and trapped him with his hands on both sides of Lucas´ head. 

  
"Please, leave me alone," said Lucas, still polite and shit and he hated it. 

  
"Please? What about pretty please, huh?" 

  
"I am not interested, so leave," said Lucas and then sighed, desperate, when Jared only leaned closer to his face. 

  
"I don´t get it, what´s the matter? I can see the rainbow on your jacket. You´re so proud, huh? Or you´re just stupid faggot who likes to be fucked to his ass," Jared said and his breath smelled like whisky and Lucas felt sick. He wanted to go, but he couldn´t because of Jared´s arms around him. 

  
Fuck. 

  
Also, Lucas wasn´t with anyone, ever. Yeah, he was 19 and he was virgin. He didn´t have a chance on his high school to actually date for real. And also when he learned about his chance to be schizophrenic, he told himself, _no, it´s not an option for me. Not anymore._

  
He couldn´t put anyone to the life like that, with him. Nobody deserves that. 

  
"Get off of me!" Lucas said, trying to push him away. 

  
"Stop pretending you don´t like it, rainbow boy."

  
Lucas get pissed. Mostly at himself, because of that rainbow flag pin. 

  
"The rainbow is symbol of love and acceptance, not sign for assholes like you for an easy fuck!" Lucas´ voice came out stronger than he felt. 

  
"No? Why I don´t believe you?" said Jared with ugly smirk. 

  
"Because you´re fucking idiot, obviously..." said Lucas and Jared pushed him against the wall again. Lucas felt his scretched back hurt. A lot. 

  
"Take it back, fag!" Jared yelled and Lucas felt his spit on his own face. He´s gonna throw up. Surely. 

  
"Get the fuck off of me!" Lucas screamed at him. And suddenly no Jared was there.

It was Eliott. 

  
Standing right in front of him, defending him. 

_What?_

  
Lucas watched Jared leaving and he felt sick, so sick. He was mad. Mad at himself, mostly. Because what was he thinking? That some rainbow flag on his jacket will make him stronger? 

  
What a fucking fool. 

  
He felt the tears filling his eyes and then falling down his cheeks. 

  
He had to get out of there. 

  
So he ran. 

  
...

  
His situation with Eliott became worse. 

  
Lucas couldn´t forget how Eliott saved him from that asshole and how he asked him if he´s okay after. That wasn´t helping his decision to get over him, like, at all. 

  
And suddenly Eliott was there again and he was sick. Lucas got scared. He remembered that one time when he was seventeen and his mom had pneumonia. Eliott looked very similar to that. 

  
Lucas helped him to bed, made him some tea and meanwhile he was cooking a soup, he called to the hospital, asking for help. When they told him about those pills, Lucas felt relieved, but he had to ask. 

  
"Sorry, may I ask, are those pills compatible together with meds to bipolar disorder?" Lucas was just scared that he could make it even worse for Eliott.

  
"Oh, I think they are, but, ah, give me a minute, I´m gonna ask the doctor, just to know it for sure," the nurse said and Lucas waited for a moment. Then the doctor speaks. 

  
"Hello?" deep man voice. 

  
"Yes, hello? Lucas Lallemant here. I was asking about those pills-"

  
"Yes, I heard from the nurse. Mr. Lallemant, I can assure you, these pills are compatible with any other medication, so you´re gonna be safe with those," doctor said and Lucas felt relieved. He thanked him, ended the call, went to check up on Eliott.   
He was sleeping. His breathing sounds wierd. His forehead was sweaty and he was pale. 

  
Lucas ran as fast as he could for the meds to the pharmacy. And then he ran back even faster. 

  
When Idriss and Sofiane came, Lucas was turned into anxious ball. He told them what´s going on and also about those pills and soup and everything. Almost. 

  
"Yo, buddy, what is that?" Sofiane asked and lifted the black file from the kitchen counter. 

  
"Oh, fuck, that´s my essay," said Lucas and took it from Sofiane. 

  
"You weren´t at school today?" asked Idriss. 

  
"No, I was there, but then I remembered I forgot this essay so I came back here for that and then I met Eliott at the front door. And the rest you already know," said Lucas and lifted his backpack from the ground. 

  
"Was it... important?" asked Idriss and pointed to that file. 

  
"I mean... not as much as someone´s life, right?" said Lucas and grinned at them. But according to their exchange of concerned looks, he wasn´t very convincing. 

  
...

  
And then, the kiss happened. 

  
It was so so so fucked up. 

  
Lucas couldn´t hold it back anymore. In his head was Eliott, all beautiful and amazing and a _hero_ , who saved him from that guy in the club. The one who got yelled at by the girl and her boy for something he can´t change. The one who was sick and all adorable in the bed. The one who came to him to say thank you for the soup.   
And this one, who yelled at him that he´s fake. 

  
And Lucas didn´t even listen. He came to him and kissed him. 

  
And it was _everything_. 

  
It was everything and Lucas got lost in it. He touched Eliott´s hair and he felt Eliott´s lips on his and he forgot his own name. 

  
And then Eliott said it. "Lucas..." in such a intense tone and Lucas thought _fuck, what did I do._

  
Lucas knew that this wasn´t for him. Not this life, not relantionship. Not intime love.   
He knew he can´t trapped anyone in life like this.   
And especially _not_ Eliott. 

  
So he ran. Again. 

  
He knew he fucked up. A lot. He ran and ran and ran and suddenly he didn´t know where the fuck he was. It was totally different part of a city. Lucas slowed down and walked through the streets, when he noticed the club. The club where the party was. 

  
He stopped there, breathing heavily, trying to remember way back to campus from here, when he heard that voice. 

  
"Well well well, isn´t that my rainbow boy?" 

  
Lucas turned around and saw Jared. The guy was there every night or what? Lucas took a step back. 

  
"What? No guardian angel with you tonight?" Jared asked and came closer. Lucas thought about that it would be better when he won´t talk to him at all. So he turned away and wanted to leave. 

  
"Running away from me? Again?" Jared said and cought his wrist. 

  
"Let me go," said Lucas, but it came out so weak, that Jared just laughed. Then the other man appeared next to him. 

  
"What we have here, Jar?" he asked and Jared just smirks. 

  
"Remember when I told you about the rainbow boy who was just asking for it?" Jared said and Lucas´ stomach curled with fear. He tried to let himself free, but it was no use. He was too small against them. 

  
"Oh yeah, this is him? He´s cute," said the other one. "Especially his big blue eyes, wow, so pretty," he continued and Lucas looked to the ground. His heart was speading up and he was so scared. 

  
"Let me go," he repeated and both of them laughed. Then they dragged him to some alley, Lucas couldn´t see where, they were leaning above him to hide his view. 

  
"Oh no, my little boy, I won´t let you go. Don´t worry about that," Jared said and grabbed Lucas´ hip. 

  
"You think that when you look like a big dick, gays will be all over you?" said Lucas loudly with shaky voice. He was so scared and he hoped someone will hear him. "Think again!"

  
"Shut the fuck up!" the guy screamed and punched Lucas to the stomach. Lucas curled up to himself with pain but before he could take a breath, another punch, this time to his face, sent him to the ground. 

  
Fuck. _Fuck._

  
How is he getting into situations like this? _Why?_

  
"Stupid fag," Lucas heard as both of them were kicking him to his torso. He was lying on the cold ground, his face hurt like hell and he couldn´t breathe. He tried to cover his head with his hands and he was so scared, so so scared. 

  
_I´m gonna die here._

  
_I´m gonna die tonight._

  
And he was thinking about Eliott. He had this image of him in his head, of him coming here and saving him, again. Lucas thought for a moment he see him there. 

  
But no. 

  
Nobody came. 

  
He was alone. 

  
After god knows how long time the kicking stopped. Unlike the pain. That was worse and worse with every breath he took. Or he tried, at least. With last punch to his face, Lucas heard the steps, they left. 

  
Lucas was alone again. 

  
But this time, he didn´t mind. This time, he closed his eyes and let the darkness devour him, like a wave of relief. 

  
...

  
When he woke up, he was freezing. And in pain bigger than ever before in his life. He felt the stickness on his face and it hurt. 

  
Lucas didn´t know where he took the strenght to get up and how he got back to his flat. He didn´t remember. All he knew was that when he reached the fourth floor, he collapsed against his front door and he couldn´t anymore. 

  
Then someone opened the door and Lucas fell to their hallway. That someone was Yann. 

  
"Lucas, fuck, what happened?" he said, terrified and then he kneeled down and lifted Lucas´ upper half to his arms. Lucas grabbed the fabric of Yann´s sweatshirt and hold it with all the power left in his body. Then he started crying. His body was shaking and he cried and couldn´t stop, he felt so relieved he´s home. 

  
"Lucas, buddy, it´s okay, you´re safe now, you´re safe," he repeated and holding Lucas just as tightly. "Arthur!" Yann called out and Arthur came in a second. 

  
"Oh my fucking god, what the fuck? Lucas? Lucas what happened?" Lucas felt a hand in his hair but he was scared. He couldn´t tell him anything, could he? It was his fault, anyways. 

  
And then there was Sofiane, taking Lucas´ face gently to his hands to look at him. They took him to the bathroom and cleaned his face. Lucas didn´t let go of Yann´s sweatshirt. He just wanted to ground himself. He wanted to remember where he was to get away a little of this anxiety he has full stomach of. 

  
They took off his shirt. 

  
_"Holy shit..."_ Arthur whispers. Yann had this angry look in his eyes and Sofiane looked worried. Lucas thought that they saw his scars, _fuck, they saw it, they won´t want to be his friends anymore, because he´s so fucked, oh my god..._

  
But when he looked at himself, he saw the bruises. Big dark spots all over his middle. Blue and purple on his ribs and even on his hip. 

  
Lucas didn´t want to look at that anymore. He closed his eyes, tears falling down his cheeks and he couldn´t care less. 

  
Boys put him to his bed with new shirt. If they saw the scars, they didn´t comment it. Sofiane brought him some painkillers, Lucas swallowed them and he allowed himself breathe a little deeper. 

  
He´s _home_. 

He´s _safe._

He can breathe now. 

  
...

  
And now he´s here. 

  
In his bed. With _Eliott_. 

  
And Eliott holding him and Lucas let him. He let him, even when he shouldn´t. 

  
Lucas couldn´t believe what happened. That Eliott, this Eliott who was hating him all along, that he kissed him. _Eliott_ kissed _him_. In his living room. And it was like, it was like living elixir. Lucas felt _alive_ with that. But he had to stop that. He had to. He couldn´t allow to Eliott be stucked in this with Lucas. 

  
And then he told him. 

  
Lucas never told anyone. Ever. But then there was Eliott. All beautiful and perfect, asking him for some explanation why he can´t keep kissing him. _Oh dear lord, is this reality?_

  
So yeah, Lucas told him. About his mom. About his schizophrenia chances. He told him. And when the door closed behind him, he broke down completely.   
Eliott didn´t chase after him. 

Good. 

Lucas knew it was too much. For him, for anybody else. 

  
Lucas crawled to his bed, hided himself under covers and tried to control his breathing and stop these sobs what keep escaping his throat. 

  
What a fucking mess Lucas is. 

  
And suddenly, there was warm chest. There were hands. There was hot breath on the back of his neck. 

There was Eliott. 

  
And Lucas wanted him gone, because Eliott doesn´t deserve that. 

  
But when Eliott´s hold on him only tightens instead of anything else, Lucas let himself to be hold. Just for a moment. Just for a little bit more. Just a little of Eliott´s warmth.

  
They can talk tomorrow, Lucas will explain everything, every single reason why is this a bad idea and Eliott will understand and leave. Because nobody needs that. Nobody wants that. 

  
Yeah, they can talk tomorrow. 

  
For now, he squeezes Eliott´s hand which has fingers interlocks with Lucas´ and Eliott squeezes back. For now, he lets Eliott´s heat keep him warm. For now, he´s trying to remember the feeling of Eliott´s nose in his hair, Eliott´s lips on his shoulder. Eliott´s arms around him. Eliott´s hand holding his. Eliott´s presence so close to him. 

  
For now, he lets himself get lost in this feeling. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to kill me, do it.  
> At least we know Lucas´ secrets now, right? No? Okay..
> 
> (Let me know if I annoy you with this wierd updating... too fast? too much?)
> 
> tumblr: briallenko


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sorry I didn´t tell you sooner. I should have tell you earlier, but, Lucas," Eliott takes a deep breath. "I really really like you. I like you too. I-I mean, if you... if it´s still true, what you said on thursday evening. I like you, Lucas, I like you too."
> 
> "Since when?" asks Lucas, watching him with those huge blue oceans. 
> 
> "What?"
> 
> "Since when you like me?"
> 
> Huh...
> 
> Well... good question. 
> 
> "I don´t remember," says Eliott. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. I can´t thank you enough for your comments under last chapter.  
> Can´t explain how much that means to me. ♥
> 
> This one could be shorter than it eventually is. It´s boring and without any sense. Just like my life.  
> Enjoy.

...

FRIDAY

  
Eliott slowly waking up from a beautiful dream. 

  
In that dream, he´s lying in the bed in a room he doesn´t recognize, under soft covers with beautiful beautiful but sad, so sad boy in his arms. He can feel his scent. Sweet. Pink. Amazing. He can feel his warm body against his. He can feel his soft hair smelling like a watermelon tickling his face. 

  
The feeling is so good, so warm, so comfortable. Eliott could stay like this forever. 

  
But when he finally opens his eyes, he wakes up to an empty bed. Lucas is gone. Eliott fighting with the dissapointment he feels inside his chest. 

  
Then pieces of memories from the night coming to him. 

  
Lucas crying in his bed. Eliott coming to him. Eliott hugging him. Eliott never let go, even when Lucas fighting with him at first. Their interwined fingers. The feeling of Lucas´ hand in his.   
Like Eliott didn´t want to fall asleep, because he wanted to be there for Lucas, as long as he would need. He wanted to be there, with him, for him, holding him and wait until he fall asleep first. 

But no, Lucas didn´t sleep. After he calmed down, stopped crying and his body stopped shaking, he was still so tense. So tense. Eliott was afraid that he´s making him uncomfortable, but when he wanted to move a little away, let out of his hand, Lucas just held him tighter and Eliott stood there, pressed himself more to Lucas´ back and squeezed his hand to let him know that he´s there and he´s not leaving. 

  
And he meant it. 

  
He´s not leaving. Not now, not later. 

  
Only if Lucas just stop running away from Eliott. 

  
He did it again. Eliott surely had to fall asleep at night. He doesn´t remember that moment when Lucas´ wet eyelashes stopped blinking, when his breath stood calm, when his body finally relaxed and lost the tension. 

  
Eliott looks around the room. 

  
It´s wierdly empty and also too clean for a twenty year old boy.   
White walls, only one poster with some tab on the wall. The desk at the window with dark grey curtains. Nothing on the desk except the blue mug with few pens in it. No drawings and opened sketch books and pencils and brushes and no paint splashes there, like on Eliott´s desk. No drawings on the wall like in Eliott´s room. No clothes on the chair, no clothes on the ground.   
Next to the table there´s bookshelf with some books and files. Everything nicely organized. On the other side of the room is not so big wardrobe (well, definitely not big enough for all Eliott´s hoodies), next to that is Lucas´ black guitar in the stand, then this bed and nightstand. 

  
And that´s all. 

  
Eliott doesn´t know what he was expected, but this seems so... empty. So small. Like there´s something missing. 

  
Eliott hears some noise from the other side of the door.

  
_Lucas is still here?_

  
Oh, that would be... that would be... actually that would be really _nice_. For once. 

  
Eliott gets up from the bed and goes to the door, opens them and enters the kitchen. There is another coffee mug, kettle with hot coffee and sugar and milk and plate with pain au chocolat, which Eliott loves. 

  
Eliott´s heart warms with that sight and he goes to the living room, because Lucas is not in the kitchen. 

  
He´s at the front door. 

  
"Lucas," Eliott says and Lucas´ gaze snaps up to him from the keys in his hand. He´s wearing grey long-sleeve, black slim jeans, mint green vans and the black jacket, from the night in the club. His backpack hanging from one shoulder and his eyes are so big, so so so big, like they taking half of his face for themselves.  
  
The dark circles under them are not good. The red eyes are even worse. But even like that, obviously tired and shit, he´s gorgeous. He truly is. And Eliott thinks again, how could he _not_ noticed before? Why is this so clear to him just now? 

  
"What are you doing?" he asks. 

  
"I´m going to school. I have early classes today," Lucas shrugs and opens the front door. 

  
"Will you come back?" he has to ask. He has to. 

  
"I live here, Eliott," says Lucas so quietly. 

  
"Yeah, that... that´s right," Eliott says, rubbing the back of his head, then his other arm. "Come back soon, please?" 

  
Lucas is watching him for a minute, then he nods just slightly that Eliott isn´t sure if that was what he thinks it was, then he looks down to his palm with the keys and walks through the open door. 

  
"Thanks for the breakfast," says Eliott in rush. 

  
"Thanks for the night," says Lucas softly, before he closes the door. 

  
...

  
Eliott goes to his 10am classes. 

  
He didn´t want to go, but when he was standing in empty apartment which is not even his, he felt inappropriately. And also, he can´t just wait for Lucas to come back, like a lost puppy, can he? 

  
No, it would be wierd. 

  
So he ate the pain au chocolat (delicious), drank the coffee (delicious), put on his jeans and Yann´s t-shirt and Arthur´s sweater and he was ready to go. Just then he looked at the clock and he was suprised it was only 7am. 

  
So Lucas went to classes around 6am, really. That´s terrible. Eliott is glad he doesn´t have classes this early. 

  
He thinks about how the school could help him to distract his mind from thoughts about Lucas. To make the hours shorter. Faster. Until he´ll see Lucas again. He thinks about what he could make for dinner. He thinks about what he should say to Lucas after the night they spent together pressed one to another in one bed. 

  
Eliott thinks about dating Lucas. Is it premature? Maybe it is. But Eliott can´t help it and his mind immediately starts making up the (hopefully possible) scenarios.

  
Like... Lucas´ hand in Eliott´s while they´re walking through the street, sweet smiles at each other, kisses on the back of Lucas´ hand. Kisses on his cheeks. Making him smile with that. Sitting in the cinema next to each other with interwined fingers, pretending to watch a movie but instead of it shooting shy looks at each other until one of them (probably Eliott because c´mon) can´t hold himself anymore and pull the other one into the kiss in the dark hall.   
Doing homeworks and stuff for school together. Watching tv tangled on the couch. Lucas sleeping on his chest. Lucas playing the guitar for Eliott. Lucas´ head on Eliott´s lap, Eliott´s fingers in Lucas´ soft hair. Cooking for him. Cooking together. Eliott picking Lucas up from late classes.   
Waking up next to him every morning. Watching him waking up. Watching him falling asleep. Watching him dreaming. Watching him doing basic stuff. Making out with him in the dark-

  
"Mr. Demaury? Mr. Demaury!" professor´s voice wakes him up from daydreaming. 

  
"Yes?" Eliott blinks back to reality. "I´m sorry, what?" he brushed the spit from his lips. _Jesus..._

  
"In the next lesson I want to know the topic for your project, is that clear?"

  
"Y-yes, yes, of course," Eliott says and straighten himself in the chair. He looks down to his notes and sees the angel´s face watching him with big eyes and long eyelashes. 

  
_He´s so fucked._

  
...

  
When Eliott comes back to the flat with groceries for dinner, it´s quiet. Again. It´s quiet and empty. 

  
"Lucas?" he calls out loud but nobody´s there. Eliott checks the clock. It´s 5:30pm, it´s quite early for someone with two majors, Eliott thinks, so he can wait for a little while. 

  
He goes to the kitchen with groceries to make a dinner. Yes, it will be good when Lucas comes back home to warm dinner after his long day in school. And they can talk about what will be next. What they will do. 

  
Because yeah, Eliott thinks, for the first time like this, he really wants to be with him. He wants Lucas to be his _boyfriend_. He wants to make him happy and see his smile and kiss him every day.   
Yes, Eliott wants Lucas as his boyfriend. And about that schizophrenic chances... Eliott wants to be with him even more because of that. Not because he´s pitying him. Not because he feels sorry for him.

  
Okay yeah of course Eliott feels sorry for him. Lucas doesn´t deserve this to happening to him. He deserves only good stuff, he deserves to be happy. He deserves only only only the good stuff. The _best_ stuff. 

  
No, Eliott wants him for something else. Maybe because Lucas has this all in his head, he´s hiding it from the world like some kind of dark secret. He´s hiding it behind his wide smiles and warm words he´s giving to others.   
Eliott thinks he´s the strongest person he´s ever met. And he´s so smart and nice. And kind, generous, unselfish, and beautiful, god, he´s _so beautiful._

  
Eliott thinks about him all the time while he´s cooking. He´s making pasta a la carbonara. In hope that Lucas likes pasta. Because Eliott loves it. 

  
But after he finishes dinner it´s already half past six and Lucas still not there. And fuck. Eliott still doesn´t have his number. So he thinks he's gonna try to do some stuff to school. 

  
He brings his school back to living room and starts working on his essay to history of art class. But he can´t focus. He constantly checking the clock. At 8pm he´s about to lose his damn mind. 

  
Where is Lucas? What if something happened to him? He´s coming home all alone and it´s dark outside and cold and he´s tiny and adorable, _something could have happened to him._  
FUCK. 

  
Eliott marching around the room, tugging for his lip. What he could do? What he should do? He´s just gonna text Yann and Arthur and ask them about Lucas' number, it´s not a big deal, right?   
_Dear lord._

  
Eliott goes to Lucas´ room. He knows he shouldn't be there when Lucas is not home to allow this, but he´s desperate. It´s almost 9pm already. It´s too late for a friday night to be out or still at school. 

  
Eliott enters the room and turn on the light. His eyes catches the poster on the wall above the desk. He goes closer and sees it´s not a poster at all. It´s Lucas´ schedule. Very very detailed. It's so organized. Almost like every minute of Lucas´ life has her own purpose. 

  
_Oh sweet boy,_ Eliott feels like sadness creeping into his heart.

  
He looks at the schedule again. He finds out Lucas studying psychology and... history? What? Really? That´s... that´s nothing what Eliott thought. 

He searches at the friday afternoon and sees that there´s "library" since 6pm. Okay but it´s 9pm already. And he´s not here. 

  
Eliott slips into his shoes, takes his jacket and keys and goes out. 

  
...

  
He gets to the library at 9:30pm. When he enters the door, noone´s there. 

  
"Hey," calls over him the boy behind the counter. "We´re closing, man."

  
"Yeah, in thirty minutes, so shut it," Eliott snaps at him and goes further to the studying tables. 

  
There´s Lucas. 

  
Eliott feels the relief spreading through his body in huge waves. He´s okay. _He´s okay._ Nothing happened to him. He´s alright. (Good, because he has no clue how he would explain that to Arthur and Yann.) (Good, because Eliott likes him.)

  
He´s sitting behind one table, textbooks and notes all over the table. Several tabs opened in his laptop.   
He´s sleeping. He´s sleeping, head lying on his arm on the table, hair falling over his eyes. 

  
Eliott comes closer and bends there next to him. Lucas looks so peaceful like this. Calm. And tired. Eliott doesn´t want to wake him. But he has to, or the guy from the counter will come. 

  
He reaches his hand and brushes the hair from Lucas´ face. Dark circles are hidden under Lucas´ long eyelashes. Eliott really wants to kiss him. He´s so gorgeous, how is that even possible. 

  
"Lucas," Eliott says softly and caresses his cheek. "Lucas, wake up, we have to go," he says, stroking his cheek and then his arm. "Lucas, the library closing, we have to go," Eliott says a little louder and Lucas´ eyelids flutter open. He blinks a few times, then his eyes focus on Eliott. 

  
"Lucas," Eliott smiles, runs his fingers through Lucas´ hair. Lucas´ watching him for a while. Then he slowly lifts his head and straighten himself in the chair. 

  
"Shit, I fell asleep," Lucas says, his voice hoarse, looking so adorable that Eliott wants to-

  
"Lucas, we have to go, the library closing in a few," Eliott says and starts picking up Lucas´ books. Lucas´ still sitting, rubbing his eyes with his palms and yawning. Eliott takes his backpack, shoves all the things in there. 

  
"Lucas, c´mon, let´s go home," he says, throws the backpack over his shoulder and waits for Lucas. Lucas´ eyelids look heavier with every blink. He stands up and put on his jacket. Then he follows Eliott out. 

  
"What? Where did you find him?" says the guy behind the counter to Eliott. "I thought noone´s here." Eliott stops there, looks at Lucas yawning behind him, looking down. Eliott looks back to that guy. 

  
"Fucking god, go the fuck home and get some rest. You suck," says, then he grabs Lucas´ hand and leading him home. 

  
...

  
Lucas is not hungry.

  
Or, Eliott doesn´t know. Lucas doesn´t really talk. He´s quiet, lets his hand in Eliott´s while they´re walking home, then he goes to the bathroom and right after to his bedroom. Eliott follows him. Lucas is already in his bed, laying on his back, staring at the ceiling. 

  
Eliott goes to the bathroom, brushes his teeth, changes into Arthur´s pajamas and then he goes to Lucas´ bedroom. 

  
Lucas is half asleep, on his side facing Eliott. Eliott feels a little hope in his heart with the fact that Lucas let one side of his bed free for Eliott. So Eliott lays down facing him, brings the cover up to Lucas´ shoulder. Then he gently strokes Lucas´ cheek. 

  
"Good night, Lucas," he whispers. 

You know, Eliott isn´t mad. He´s not angry. He´s not even blaming Lucas for not talking to him. It happened only yesterday when Eliott shows some kind of interest in Lucas to him. He didn´t even told him he likes him, yet. Of course Lucas is confused. Of course he doesn´t know how to act, what to do.   
Eliott doesn´t know, too. He´s just sure he wants to be with him. 

  
So Eliott lays next to Lucas in the bed, watching him to falling asleep and feels like one of his dreams coming true. Or maybe all of his dreams.   
When Eliott thinks Lucas is already sleeping, he reaches his hand and let his fingertips run across Lucas´ eyebrow, nose, temple, cheek and then the softest touch on his lips. 

  
Eliott put his hand on Lucas´, which lays between them on the pillow and closes his eyes. 

  
"Thank you, Eliott," says Lucas in a whisper out of nowhere. Eliott´s eyes snap open. 

  
"For what?" he whispers back. 

  
"That you came for me," Lucas breathes out, turns his palm to hold Eliott´s hand. 

  
Eliott is quiet for a minute, his heart pounding so loud that Lucas can surely hear it. Then he brings Lucas´ hand to his lips and presses a kiss there. "Always," he says and closes his eyes. 

  
...

  
SATURDAY

  
Eliott wakes up from a dreamless night. But when he opens his eyes, he feels like he might actually wakes up into a dream. Because there´s Lucas, next to him in the bed. And it´s undoubtedly the most beautiful thing Eliott had ever seen in the morning, right after waking up. 

  
He´s on his back, awake, looks like he´s lost in thoughts. He´s tugging for his sleeves to have them over his palms and fingertips. His lips move from time to time, like over the words running through Lucas´ mind. Slight frown between his eyebrows. His hair all messy and fluffy.   
Eliott just noticed the single freckle under his bottom lip. It´s endearing. 

  
He could watch him like that forever, but he wants to touch him, too. So he reaches his hand and touches Lucas´ shoulder with his index. 

  
Lucas´ head snaps to him. "Oh, you´re up," says Lucas and Eliott smiles at him, then draws a flower on his shoulder.

  
"Good morning," Eliott says. Lucas shifts himself to lay on his side, facing Eliott. 

  
"Eliott-"

  
"Lucas, I´m sorry," Eliott interrupts him. He has to tell him now. He has to tell him everything what´s on his mind, before he get scared. 

  
Lucas frowns, confused. "For what?" 

  
"Sorry I didn´t tell you sooner. I should have tell you earlier, but, Lucas," Eliott takes a deep breath. "I really really like you. I like you too. I-I mean, if you... if it´s still true, what you said on thursday evening. I like you, Lucas, I like you too."

  
"Since when?" asks Lucas, watching him with those huge blue oceans. 

  
"What?"

  
"Since when you like me?"

  
Huh...

  
Well... good question. 

  
"I don´t remember," says Eliott. 

  
"You don´t remember?" Lucas raises his eyebrows. 

  
"No, Lucas, I don´t. I don't know. But what I do know is that I do like you. A lot. So please please please tell me what I can do to earn your forgivness. I'll do anything," yes, he´ll do anything, and he means it. 

  
Lucas shakes his head. "I'm not mad at you Eliott, I'm not angry at you or upset because of you. There's nothing to forgive."

  
 _But it is, Lucas,_ thinks Eliott. _It is._

  
"What about my terrible behaviour against you?" he says quietly, ashamed.

  
"That... That was..." Lucas says and he´s thinking about it but it´s Eliott´s turn to shake his head. 

  
"That was bad. Worse than bad. That was unacceptable. I'm so sorry Lucas, I'm sorry, I was jealous," he says, but it isn´t the whole truth. "I was jealous all the time. About that my friends love you so much, about you being all sun all the time. About you being so smart and good and just.... So good person. I'm truly sorry Lucas," Eliott feels like he might cry. He would love to drop onto his knees and plead Lucas like a fool. He would gladly do that. "Please, forgive me."

  
Lucas shakes his head. "That's understandable."

  
He's real angel, isn't he?

  
"What? How can it be understandable? What are you talking about?" Eliott stares at Lucas, because he can´t believe it. Eliott was a dick, the biggest asshole to him and Lucas is here, right in front of him, saying he understands? That he understands why Eliott did that? Why Eliott was like that? Even Eliott doesn´t fucking understand. How can Lucas?

  
"Eliott, seriously, I get it, I get it and I actually think it´s my fault, because I came and started-"

  
"No, Lucas, stop it," hell the fuck _not_. Lucas _won´t_ be blaming himself for that. 

  
"Eliott, please. Lets not talk about it anymore. Okay? I had it worse... before."

_What?_

"I forgive you, if that makes you feel any better. I honestly think there´s nothing to forgive, but I forgave you, I forgave you like weeks ago, yeah? Is that okay now?" 

  
Eliott stares at him, again, because this boy, holy damn fuck, this boy... he´s _something else._ He looks so sad and tired. Eliott wonders what time is it. He wonders, how long is Lucas awake. How long he´s been lying awake in bed, thinking. Eliott wonders what was Lucas thinking about. 

  
"Eliott, I want to talk to you about something. I should have talk to you about it yesterday, and I wanted to, but then in the morning I..." Lucas swallows, "I really didn´t feel like it and I had to go to school, and then, then I fell asleep in the library, honestly don´t remember how..."

  
"It´s okay," says Eliott, reaches his hand to hold Lucas´, but he moves with it away. Eliott tries to not feel so hurt because of that.

  
"Eliott, I wanted to talk to you about this... situation," Lucas rolls his eyes and points between them and it´s adorable. All about him is just adorable. "I was thinking about it and I have to tell you something."

  
"Okay," says Eliott, giving him his full attention. 

  
Lucas takes a deep breath, then another. 

  
"It´s not gonna happen."

  
_What?_

  
"What?" Eliott frowns. 

  
"It´s not gonna happen, Eliott, I told you that on thursday and I´m telling you now again. I can´t do that to you, okay? I can´t do that. It´s like a trap. We would start... s-something between us and then I'll become schizophrenic, one day, it will happen. And you´ll be trapped with me because you won´t want to be the one who would leave mentally ill person. So you´ll stay stuck with me and you will hate your life and hate me and you´ll be sad all the time. I don´t want you to be sad, Eliott," says Lucas in one breath, blinking away the tears. 

  
"T-that´s not gonna happen, Lucas," says Eliott softly. He´s honestly in shock. The hope he had in his heart slowly fading away and he hates that feeling. He hates it. 

  
"Yes, it is what it is. I know that´s exactly what´s gonna happen. I just know it," Lucas closes his eyes and presses his face into the pillow. 

  
"Lucas, whatever you trying to do here, stop it, okay?" Eliott says, cup Lucas´ face with one hand. "I told you. I´m not going anywhere, okay? You can´t scare me with anything, because I really really want to be with you. If you want to be with me, I mean. I can´t force you, and I won´t." Eliott feels shy suddenly. He´s counting on the one option that Lucas wants to be with him. Just because he told him he likes him, on thursday evening. 

  
But, what if he´s _not_? Want to be with him. Anymore. 

Lucas huffs a breath and looks at Eliott with sad eyes. _Don´t look at me like that, Lucas,_ thinks Eliott. _Or I swear to god I´m gonna-_

  
"Don´t look at me like that," says Lucas. 

  
"Like what?"

  
"Like that," Lucas gestures to his face. 

  
"Like what?" Eliott asks again with a smirk. 

  
"Eliott!" Lucas groans and covers his face with his palms. Eliott giggles and takes Lucas´ hands off, holds them in his. 

  
They are so close, so so so close, their noses almost brush. And Lucas looks so beautiful. 

  
"Lucas," Eliott whispers to the space in between them. "Can I kiss you?" 

  
Lucas looks at him, inhales, looks at his lips, biting his own. _Dear lord._  
Then he shakes his head. 

  
"Why not?" Eliott asks, desperate. 

  
"Why don´t you get it, Eliott? What I should say for you to finally understand? Go and find someone normal. Someone who has a real chance to live normal life. Without a fear what could happen tomorrow," says Lucas in small voice and Eliott has no interest in seeing him cry again. 

  
"I don´t want anyone else, I want _you_. I lo- uh.. I like you. A lot. Really. You´re amazing, Lucas. Why don´t you see how amazing you are? And you can´t be so afraid all the damn time. What are you afraid of?"

  
"I´m more fucked up than you know. You know just the tip of the iceberg about me and my life, I´m a crap, Eliott, I´m fucking broken," Lucas´ voice breaks and he sits up on the bed. Eliott mirrors him, sits opposite to him. 

  
"So tell me. Tell me, Lucas, I´m sure it´s nothing I can´t take. Nothing what you say won´t make me leave, do you hear me?" but Lucas shaking his head before Eliott finishes the sentence.   
Eliott shifts closer. "Don´t be scared, Lucas."

  
"How can I not?" Lucas stands up from the bed, pulling sleeves of his shirt over his palms. Then he sighs. "I´m gonna make you some breakfast," he says and walks out of the room. 

Eliott doesn´t know what to do. How can he make Lucas to change his mind. Lucas is pretty much stubborn about his situation, and their situation (if there´s any) and Eliott can´t force him to do anything he doesn´t want, can he?

  
The other side is that... Eliott thinks... he feels like Lucas wants that too. He wants that too, but he´s stuck in that imagine of his possible mental illness and imagine of ruining life to someone else with that, who would want to be with him. 

  
But Eliott doesn´t think like that. He´s thinking about the good stuff. He´s thinking about what could be, if Lucas just... let himself _fall_ into that. 

  
He goes to the kitchen, seeing Lucas pouring the hot water from the kettle into the mug. 

  
"Lucas-"

  
Lucas startles and spills the water on his hand. "Fuck!"

  
"Shit, I´m so sorry!" Eliott jumps to him. "I didn´t mean to scare you," he takes his hand and put it into the sink under the stream of cold water. The red skin on the side of Lucas´ hand goes from his thumb to wrist and Eliott pulls up the already wet sleeve. 

  
There´s something. On Lucas´ wrist and inner forearm.   
White, almost silver lines, like strings but thinner, like threads. Eliott´s stomach drops as he realizes what is that. 

  
Scars. Scars from cuts. 

  
Eliott feels sick. He feels like he´s gonna throw up.   
The scars look old, they´re healed. But they are there. Still there. And Eliott can´t stop staring at them. The water pouring, Lucas´ hand is not longer red, but only pink, and Eliott´s eyes snap to Lucas´ face. He has closed eyes, breathing deeply. Eliott´s watching him and he wants to cry. Lucas looks so soft. So vulnerable. So tiny and pure. And despite all of that, he´s hiding more strenght in his body than Eliott could ever dream of. 

  
Lucas opens his eyes and looks at Eliott. "You okay? You look so pale," he says and watching him with concerned look. "It´s not that bad, Eliott, look, it´s nothing, it doesn´t hurt, seriously, it´s-" Lucas gets quiet when he notices his rolled up sleeve and Eliott´s gaze on his hand. 

  
"What are those?" Eliott chokes out. He still holding his hand and his grip only tightens when Lucas makes a move to pull his hand out of it. He looks absolutely terrified. He looks like a scared puppy. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. 

  
"What are those, Lucas?" Eliott says again, just as a whisper. Too scared to hear it but too scared to not know it. 

  
"I-i-it´s... That´s j-just..." Lucas stutters, pulling his hand away from Eliott but he holds it. He holds it tightly. He´s scared that Lucas could run away again. He won´t let that happen. "E-Eliott, let me-"

  
"What are those, Lucas?" Eliott asks again, blindly reaches his free hand and turn off the water. 

  
"The iceberg," Lucas says simply. He doesn´t fight anymore. He looks defeated. Eliott stares at him with wide eyes, waiting. He´s too afraid to speak. Lucas sighs and brushes the single tear on his cheek. "You want to know all those things about me? Well, listen then," he says and takes a deep breath. "When I was at high school, my mom was doing really bad, my father put her into this institution for mentally ill people, and left me alone. I was sixteen when I found out about my sexuality and one day this... boy... found out too. He told people and they told other people, and suddenly whole school knew about that before I had a chance to process it myself," Lucas says and shakes his head with smile. No happy. No amused. Just bitter. His hand slips from Eliott´s loosen grip and he rolls both his sleeves up and shows Eliott. His hands shaking.   
He has these lines at both of his inner forearms, on his wrists. Few, not much, but more then it should be. Even if there would be one, it´s still too much. 

  
"They found out and boys didn´t like it, they..." Lucas swallows. "They were so mean, they were-" Lucas shaking his head. 

  
"They were bullying you, because you´re gay? Is that is?" Eliott doesn´t recognize his voice. 

  
Lucas nods. "Yes, they were doing that. They wanted me dead, or that was what they were telling me every day. And I..." Lucas whispers. "I wanted that too."

  
Eliott can´t speak. He can´t think. He feels like he´s suffocating.  
He´s looking at Lucas and thinking about the possibility that he wouldn´t be here. That he didn´t have to be here. That he could be... He could be... He could be _gone_. That Yann and Arthur would be still living on their own. Just the two of them. Without Lucas. Or that they would have some other boy as a new roommate, someone who would be totally different than Lucas is, someone who would Eliott not hate from the start. 

  
Then Eliott thinks about that he was mean to Lucas, too. Like the bullies at his high school. He´s not any better than them.

  
He doesn´t even deserve Lucas, does he? 

  
Lucas doesn´t look at him. He looks everywhere but him. Then he lets out the small laugh.

  
"I mean, I wasn´t even brave enough to do that, as you can see, so-"

  
"Shut up!" Eliott yells and both of them jumps. "Shut the fuck up!"

  
Lucas stares. Eliott stares. Eliott´s heart hurts. It hurts for this boy in front of him. It´s beating so fast and loud and he feels it in his throat. 

  
"What are you talking about? What the fuck? I don´t even know what to say to that, Lucas. You´re making yourself so small, like you are not worthy to live a happy life, but you are, Lucas, you ARE! You are more than those stupid chances to have schizophrenia. You are more than those shits what happened to you. You are more than stupid bullies and their stupid talks. You are more than any of this, Lucas, why don´t you see?" he says in one breath and Lucas stares. 

  
But Eliott has to tell him. Lucas has to know that. He has to realize that. 

  
"What did you say? Brave enough? Lucas, you´re the bravest person I´ve ever met. The _bravest_!" He says and comes closer to Lucas, who´s apparantely in shock. "You´re so talented, and smart, and kind and funny, and you´re sensitive and protective and good, you´re so _good_ Lucas," Eliott cups his face. "And now you´re telling me you went through this hell," Eliott says and swallows the lump in his throat. He blinks and the tears falls down his cheeks, but he doesn´t care. He didn´t realize he´s crying, but whatever. What-fucking-ever. 

  
"You´re telling me you went through all of this shit and you´re still here, so strong and powerful, you´re here and you´re smiling at your friends and making them laugh and making them happy, so happy. And you´re so gorgeous, Lucas, oh my god, you´re like the most beautiful person in this world. You need to stop being so scared Lucas, do you hear me?" Eliott blinks through the tears when Lucas in front of him starts to be too blurry. "You need to stop being so scared to live your life and let yourself be happy too. Let yourself fall, Lucas, for once in your life, let yourself fall into it, because, whatever can happen tonight or tomorrow or in a month or year, whatever can happen to any of us, but, the main thing is..." he takes a deep breath, strokes Lucas´ cheeks softly with his thumbs. "That life is now, Lucas. Life is _now_."

  
And then finally, after what seems like the longest time in Eliott´s life, he finally kisses him. Eliott kisses him and it´s new and familiar, it´s sweet because of Lucas´ sweet lips and his pink scent and taste, and it´s salty because of Eliott´s tears. 

  
There´s nothing hessitant about that. It´s desperate. It´s desperate from Eliott, because he´s in love with Lucas.   
Yes.   
Yes he is, he´s in love, it´s true. 

  
And from Lucas it´s desperate because... maybe because he finally let himself fall into it. Maybe because he wants Eliott too. Maybe he wants to be with Eliott as much as it is in the opposite way. Maybe because he never heard these words, from anyone, and maybe because he really needed to hear them, so badly. 

  
They´re kissing in the kitchen and Eliott feels Lucas´ cold hands on his neck and he shivers. Lucas´ lips are probably the best thing in the world. They are gentle and desperate at the same time, they are hot and soft and sweet, he´s always so _sweet_. And when Eliott bites his bottom lip, he sighs and his tense shoulders relax under Eliott´s touch. 

  
They´re stumbling to the bedroom, not want to part from each other. Lucas almost hanging from Eliott´s shoulders, as he holds him around his neck, pulling himself up to be closer to him. Eliott slips his hand under Lucas´ shirt, caresses the soft skin on his back. They´re in the Lucas´ bedroom and Eliott tugs for that shirt to take it off and he moves away to pull it over Lucas´ head.

  
Before it can slips off of Lucas´ arms, he stops, looking at his hands, then up to Eliott.   
Eliott tugs for that fabric, looking into his eyes, so blue, so big, so ethereal. "Life is now, Lucas. Life is now," he repeats and kisses him, throws the t-shirt away to touch him, touch his skin, his face, his hair. 

  
They lay down on the bed and Eliott can´t stop kissing him and he doesn´t even know if he´s gonna be able to ever stop. Now, when he can, finally, he can do that. He´s hovering above Lucas, runs his hand down Lucas´ chest to his stomach and he feels the muscles _holy damn fuck-_

  
"Ouch," Lucas winces in his arms and hisses. 

  
"I´m sorry, fuck, sorry, what did I do?" Eliott asks, dizzy, looks down on Lucas´ stomach and he sees it. The bruises. Probably from that night he didn´t come home and then he appeared beaten up. The one under Lucas´ eye is something Eliott knows about. So yeah, he´s careful, but he knows that it´s there. But these?   
Purple and yellow big spots, one on his ribs, other on his stomach and one lighter on his hip. He clenches his teeth. 

  
"Lucas," he starts, but Lucas cups his face and brings it closer to his. 

  
"Not now, please" he whispers and kisses him. 

  
And what can Eliott say to this, huh? He won´t be protesting, he´s not stupid. God, no, not now. Lucas said _not now_. 

  
So he kisses him, his lips, his neck, his chest and then he lets light kisses on his ribs and abs.   
And when Lucas sits on his lap, takes off Eliott´s shirt and make them both fall into mattress again, Eliott lets himself fall into it too. Unconditionally, completely, irreversibly fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It´s called "calm before the storm".  
> Or, in my case: "calm before a small tiny morning rain"
> 
> PS: samedi 9h17 in the beginning of the next chapter? 
> 
> tumblr: briallenko


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliott runs his fingers from Lucas´ face to his neck and down his back again. He´s so warm. Eliott really wants to press himself to Lucas´ body and stay like that till the end of the time.  
> They´re lying like this for some time, Eliott doesn´t know how long. It´s bright day behind the window, but Eliott doesn´t care. He doesn´t even know when they woke up and when the talk in the kitchen happened, what time was then, what time is now. 
> 
> It´s not important. 
> 
> Lucas is important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I deserve y´all? I think the fuck not. Can´t believe how amazing people reading my story. Can´t thank you enough.  
> Also I think I´m going crazy. I´m writing all day till 3:30am. Next day i´m writing again till 2am. My life is a mess. Chapters are so wierd.  
> Here, take some fluff before the storm will come.
> 
> Also guys, I´m actually not a writer, you know? I´m an artist (kinda). I´m making fanart (mostly elu), so if you wanna see, I have this ig account @briallen.art.
> 
> TW: talking about violence; talking about MI; manic episode at the end

...

  
SATURDAY

  
Eliott can´t stop staring at him.   
He can´t stop touching him. He lays on his side, his hand tracing Lucas´ face, his neck, shoulders, down his spine and back up again and Eliott can´t get enough of it. 

  
Lucas lays on his stomach, face turn to Eliott, his skin is so smooth and soft and just so _good_ to touch. He´s watching Eliott with his big blue eyes and he´s quiet, he´s just quiet all the time.

  
You know, nothing happened between them. 

  
Yes, they were desperate and they desperately ripped off their clothes from each other, but they were just kissing and touching and cuddling. 

  
_Just_. 

  
It´s not _just_. It´s _everything_ to Eliott. 

  
He feels like he doesn´t deserve Lucas like that. He _knows_ he doesn´t deserve him. 

  
At least not yet. 

  
Maybe one day. He can try. And he will try to be good enough for him. 

Eliott runs his fingers from Lucas´ face to his neck and down his back again. He´s so warm. Eliott really wants to press himself to Lucas´ body and stay like that till the end of the time.   
They´re lying like this for some time, Eliott doesn´t know how long. It´s bright day behind the window, but Eliott doesn´t care. He doesn´t even know when they woke up and when the talk in the kitchen happened, what time was then, what time is now. 

It´s not important. 

_Lucas_ is important. 

  
On Lucas´ back is another bruise and still not fully healed scretch, which probably happened to him after the interaction with Lucille and her idiot. Eliott frowns with that memory and brings his hand back up to Lucas´ shoulder and neck. 

  
"You regret it," says Lucas with blank expression on his face. It´s the first thing he says since they got lost in themselves and his voice is quiet and Eliott wants to kiss him. 

  
"What? No!" Eliott says a little too loudly. "I regret nothing!" and he means it. 

  
_Regret?_ Something he´s been wanting for so long? Something he´s been _dreaming_ of?   
_Never_. 

  
Lucas is watching him with curious look. "The only thing I regret is that we didn´t do it sooner," Eliott adds and runs his fingers through Lucas´ hair. 

  
"So why are you frowning so much?" asks Lucas and Eliott sighs. 

  
"Because I see this," Eliott touches the scretch, then he gently flips Lucas´ to lay on his back. "And this," he touches the bruises on his stomach, softly, not to make it hurt Lucas again. "And I know it´s my fault."

  
"What the fuck, Eliott, no, it´s not!" Lucas himself is frowning now too. 

  
Eliott shakes his head. "Yes, stop it, Lucas, it is."

  
"No, _you_ stop it. It´s only my stupidity´s fault," Lucas says and gets up from the bed. 

  
"Nooo," Eliott groans. "Okay I´m sorryyyy, come back please," he whines and watches Lucas in his underwear (what a breathtaking sight, seriously) go to his wardrobe, open it and pull out the black t-shirt and grey sweatpants. "No, please, don´t do that," Eliott lifts himself on his elbows. "Not _yet_." 

  
"It´s just making you feel sad and guilty," says Lucas as he comes back to bed, fully dressed. And okay, yeah, he´s beautiful in black. He´s beautiful in casual clothes. He´s beautiful as his too large long-sleeved t-shirt has too loosen collar and it´s showing Lucas´ collarbone. He looks beautiful, because it is what he is. _Beautiful_. "I´m gonna be wearing clothes until it will be healed. All the time."

  
"W-what?" Eliott gasps. "B-but... it´s not fair!"

  
"Excuse me?" Lucas raises eyebrows at him. Eliott falls into the pillow with a huff. Lucas lays down next to him and small smile playing in the corner of his lips, taking Eliott´s breath away. 

  
Eliott´s missing his wide shiny grin he´s been seeing weeks ago. He really misses it. 

  
...

  
"You´re so..." Eliott whispers into the little space between them, then shakes his head. 

They´re lying face to face, so close that their noses brushes against each other, their legs tangled, so Eliott doesn´t know where one of them begins and the other ends. Eliott´s hand traveling between Lucas´ neck to his face to his hair to his neck, hiding herself under the collar of Lucas´ shirt just to go up again. He needs to feel him. He needs to feel it all. Feel Lucas. 

  
Lucas opens his eyes. 

  
"So what?"

  
_Oh_. Right. Eliott´s been saying something. 

  
"So gorgeous. You look like an angel." Eliott says, rubbing their noses gently together. 

  
Lucas scoffs. "You really should get yourself a mirror."

  
Eliott chuckles. "I actually have a mirror." 

  
"Apparantely not," Lucas mumbles, looks down.

  
"Yes, Lucas, I have. The magic one from that fairytale, you know what I mean? You know which one?" he stops himself and watches Lucas if he knows. Lucas´ watching him curiously, what comes next, say nothing. "I have the magic mirror, you know, and I´m asking him every morning, mirror mirror on the wall, who´s the fairest of them all?" The corner of Lucas´ lips tugs a little and he bites into it.   
"And the mirror doesn´t even let me finish my question and shows me this angelic face what takes my breath away like every damn time," Eliott says and strokes Lucas´ cheek with his fingertips. "And the face in the mirror is yours," he says and shrugs with one shoulder. "So yeah, Lucas, I have a freaking mirror."

  
"Hm..." Lucas hums, looking him in the eyes, in his is this speacial glint and it´s so pretty... his hand holds Eliott´s arm, all the time, like he´s afraid Eliott would leave. "I should get you a better one, then. It sounds like this one is broken or something, because it sucks."

  
Eliott laughs, presses their foreheads together. "I don´t need any. I can look at you like this, in real life, now. I don´t need anything else," he says.

"Eliott, I don't know who learned you that, but mirror is for you to watch your face, not anyone else's and specially not mine ," Lucas says and scoffs.

"Who the fuck would look at their damn face when they can look at yours?" Eliott says and kisses Lucas, holds his face and kisses him, and it´s the feeling Eliott wants to burn into his brain to remember that forever. 

  
...

  
"Who did that to you?" asks Eliott after some time. 

  
"Who did what?" Lucas looks at him, confused. 

  
"Who beated you? How that happened?" Eliott kisses the back of Lucas´ hand, which he holds for some time by now. 

  
Lucas hessitates. He looks down, then back to Eliott, then down again. Then he takes a deep breath and says it, quietly. 

  
"It was the guy from the club party," he says and Eliott clenches his jaw. "You know, that one you pushed away from me, that night..." his voice trails off when he sees the fire in Eliott´s eyes. 

  
"How did he find you?" Eliott says, venom in his voice. 

  
"He didn´t. I-I freaked out..." Lucas says and shakes a little with that memory. "After I kissed you, I freaked out, because I shouldn´t have done that and-" Lucas stops and looks at Eliott, then around them like he just now realizes where he is and what they´re doing. Then he makes a move to get away. 

  
"Don´t do that, Lucas," Eliott says, squeezes his hand tighter and slips his other arm around Lucas´ waist to hold him in place. Lucas´ eyes widen and his breathing gets faster. He´s freaking out right now. Eliott kisses his hand. "Don´t do that. Calm down," Eliott says, because he knows that Lucas has still doubts about this. He still thinks he shouldn´t be doing that, despite the fact that it feels so _right_. "Calm down, it´s okay. You´re okay. Calm down and tell me, what happened."

  
Lucas breathes deeply for a moment or two, his body all tense, again. 

  
"I freaked out, I thought I just majestingly fucked up, because I wanted to get over it and instead I..." he looks at Eliott, "Instead I fell for it even more."

  
Eliott´s heart makes a flip. 

  
"So I ran, I was running for a while and when I stopped, I was at the club. And he was there and he cought me and-" Lucas takes a shaky breath. "He´s been with a friend and they... I-I couldn´t escape, they dragged me somewhere and-" Lucas stops talking. 

  
"They just beated you up? Just like that? I _swear_ I´ll find them. I´ll find them and I´ll kill them," says Eliott in threat and he means it. And he´s sure Idriss gladly helps him. What the fucking assholes walking on this planet. 

  
"I should have just shut up, but I... I told him something what made him angry," Lucas says, wierd expression on his face. 

  
Is that... amusion?

  
"What did you tell him?" 

  
"I told him... that despite the fact he looks like a dick, gays are still not interested," Lucas bites his lips to stop the smile, "or something like that..."

  
Eliott´s watching his face. He´s watching him and he´s biting his own lips because he can´t laugh when they´re talking about such a serious topic as violence and homophobia, no?

  
"You did not," he says. Lucas nods. Eliott can´t with him. 

  
And then a chuckle escapes his mouth. And then Lucas´ face breaks into a smile which gets wider with every second. And then Eliott gets out a small laugh and Lucas´ grinning at him. And then Eliott just can´t. He can´t. And he´s laughing and he´s shaking with that and Lucas´ grinning at him and then he giggles and Eliott´s heart melts. 

  
And it´s the best thing Eliott sees and hears in weeks and his heart singing in his chest with that sight.

  
...

  
"Am I your first?" he asks Lucas a little hessitantly. 

  
"My first what?" Lucas lifts his head from Eliott´s chest to look at him. Eliott strokes his arm. Another of his dreams coming true and he´s on the edge of the mountain of bliss.

  
"Your first boy," he says with a little smile but wide eyes, because he wants to know. 

  
Lucas pouts his lips, looking endlessly adorable, and then he lays his head next to Eliott on the pillow. "I was dealing with lots of shit almost all the time, so... I didn´t really have a chance neither the time to look for a boyfriend or have a crush or anything like that..." Lucas says and looks down. Eliott squeezes him closer to his body. 

  
"How bad it was?" he asks in a whisper, his heart beating faster and faster. He´s scared to hear that. But he really wants to _know_ Lucas. And he wants to find every one of them, who hurt Lucas in any way and kill them. 

  
"The bullying?" Lucas asks and swallows, Eliott nods. "Almost every time I looked at some boy, I was punched for that, e-even when it wasn´t-" Lucas stops himself and shakes his head. His eyes sparkle with tears and he closes them. "I really don´t wanna think about it."

  
Eliott takes a deep breath to steady himself, because he´s this close from losing it. "It´s okay, I understand, I´m sorry," he says and kisses Lucas´ temple. Lucas shifts away. 

  
"I´m hungry," he says and gets up from bed. "I´m gonna go and look if there´s something I can cook."

  
Eliott remembers something. 

  
"You don´t have to, I made pasta," says and gets up as well, puting on his clothes. 

  
"What? When?" Lucas asks, taken aback. 

  
"Yesterday. I made a dinner for us when I was waiting for you to come home," he says, ignoring the world _home_ he just used. "Before I went to library for you."  
And, seriously, _what the fuck,_ Eliott thinks about his dreams. About all those stuff he was thinking about in class yesterday. 

  
Cooking for Lucas. Done. 

Picking Lucas up after school. Done. 

And he´s not finnished. 

  
"Oh," Lucas says and walks out of the room, heading to kitchen. "That´s nice from you."

  
Eliott smiles, take out the pot from the fridge and Lucas meanwhile reaching up to take two plates from the higher shelf. He looks so cute, standing on his tiptoes, his feet in beige socks, his t-shirt too big for him, he´s adorable.   
Eliott can´t imagine the possibility he would never have a chance to see this. To have this. His stomach feels uneasy with that thought. 

  
When Lucas turns around to Eliott, putting the plates on the counter, Eliott just stands there, smiling at him. 

  
"What?" Lucas says with raised eyebrows. 

  
"Nothing," says Eliott, then he comes closer and wraps his arms around Lucas´ middle, pulls him into a hug. He lowers himself a little, puts his chin on Lucas´ shoulder. 

  
Lucas slowly hugs him around his shoulders and neck. "What is it?" he hears Lucas´ concerned voice. 

  
_God. He´s perfect._

  
"Nothing, I just want to hug you," says Eliott softly, hiding his face into the warmth of Lucas´ skin between his neck and shoulder, inhales deeply the sweetenes.   
Lucas´ hands tightens around him and Eliott feels as Lucas lets out the breath he´s been holding for god knows how long. And he relaxes in Eliott´s arms.

  
Eliott thinks, _this is perfect._

  
...

  
They´re sitting at the table above their plates, when Eliott finally, after a really long time, checks his phone. 

  
First of all, it´s only 1pm. They really had to wake up pretty early, then. 

  
Second of all, the group chat with boys is full of messages. 

  
**(9:17am)**  
**Idriss:** _hey, eliott, still alive? we´re coming home today, you know?_  
**Sofiane:** _miss you bro! alex missing you too!_  
**Yann:** _Eliott, tell me you didn´t kill my baby!_  
**Arthur:** _OUR BABY, Yann, our baby! Eliott I swear, if you were mean to him, I´ll kill you._   
**Arthur:** _Kidding, I love you too, but Lucas is just so tiny little precious bean._  
**Yann:** _Yeah, needs to be protected._  
**Idriss:** _yooooo, i miss lucas so much! how is he? how is my boiii?_  
**Sofiane:** _hope you were good without us_   
**Idriss:** _can´t wait to see his smile again._   
**Idriss:** _and yours too, Eliott, of course, pff_

  
Eliott groans. 

  
Lucas looks at him with question in his bright eyes. 

  
"Boys coming home today," Eliott says and rolls his eyes. 

  
"I miss them," Lucas shrugs and smiles to his plate. Eliott has to smile too. For the first time he´s thinking about Lucas being friend with his friends and he´s not jealous. He´s happy. He´s happy because boys love him (and that´s what he deserves) and Lucas, obviously, loves them too. 

  
"You like them," says Eliott, not exactly as a question. Lucas smiles sweetly and nods. 

  
"I love them. They´re the best," he says and continues in eating. "This is really good, thank you for making it," he adds and Eliott melts. 

  
Cooking for him. Done. 

  
**(1:16pm)**  
**Eliott:** _yeah can´t wait to see y´all again, really miss your stupid faces_  
**Idriss:** _oh! he´s alive!_  
**Arthur:** _Hey, Eli! Why Lucas doesn´t replying to my texts?_  
**Idriss:** _yeah, and to mines too? i sent him tons of memes._  
**Eliott:** _how should i know, maybe he had enough of you_  
**Arthur:** _*gasp* He would never!_  
**Idriss:** _rude!_ **  
Sofiane:** _hey, bro, you okay there?_   
**Eliott:** _yeah fine, just really miss my own fucking flat. yann´s room sucks._  
**Yann:** _Heyyy!! Go and sleep on the kitchen floor then!_  
**Eliott:** _miss my own clothes._   
**Idriss:** _eliott is really out there, missing THINGS over his FRIENDS._  
**Eliott:** _things don´t speak_  
**Idriss:** _woah, bro... lil harsh_   
**Eliott:** _why don´t we have spare key under the doormat like a normal people_  
**Sofiane:** _because we don´t want to be rObBeD???_  
**Idriss:** _fair point_  
**Eliott:** _...hm_

  
"Arthur´s wondering why you don't replying to his texts," Eliott says to Lucas after he locks his phone and put it down on the table.

  
"Oh, right, I forgot checking my phone," Lucas says and gets up, then he comes back with his phone in one hand. 

  
"Please, tell him I didn´t kill you."

  
Lucas breathes a laugh. "What? Why?" 

  
"They´re attacking me on a groupchat, asking me if I killed you or not," Eliott shrugs and smiles, amused with his friends. If they only knew...

Wait. 

"Why don´t you have an instagram?" Eliott asks. "I couldn´t find you there."

  
"You were looking for me on instagram?" Lucas asks with raised eyebrows. Eliott rolls his eyes, feels like the warmth spilling over his cheeks. 

  
"I don´t have your number or anything and you didn´t coming home yesterday evening," Eliott shrugs again and looks down. 

  
"I don´t have an instagram, that´s right," says Lucas, smiling at his phone, typing a reply. 

  
"May I ask why?" Eliott says because he´s genuinely curious. _Everyone_ has an instagram these days. 

  
"I don´t have any account with password, anywhere, besides e-mail, which I need for school and bank account... which I need... well I don´t know why I need an empty bank account, honestly," Lucas chuckles. 

  
"But why?" Eliott is confused, he frowns. "You think you won´t remember your password or what?"

  
Lucas don´t speak for a moment. He put his phone down, plate to the sink, pour water into two glasses and sits back again. 

  
"I didn´t want to show myself anywhere, I didn´t have people to talk to, anyways," Lucas says like it´s nothing, but Eliott´s heart squeezes in his chest. "And yes, I´m scared that I´ll wake up one day and won´t remember my own name, neither some stupid password. One day I couldn´t find my homework even when I was sure I put it into the textbook. I couldn´t find that and I freaked out, I thought... I thought it´s _here_ , you know, the schizophrenia.... Then I found out my teacher had it, I already gave that to him," he adds and sips from his glass. "Plus I could also do something stupid there, like post something I would regret later, like... I don´t know, something what tells people about me being schizophrenic, when that´ll happen. And I don´t want that."

  
" _If_."

  
"What?"

  
" _If_ that will happen, Lucas. _If_. You don´t know that. You can´t be sure," says Eliott softly. "Doctors can´t tell how big is chance for something to happen. They don´t know shit. It´s up to universe. Or God. Or whatever is above us."

  
Lucas´ staring at him for a long moment. He says nothing. He looks down then and Eliott can see a little smile in the corner of his lips. 

  
"I´ll make a muffins for the boys. As a welcome home gift," Lucas stands up and Eliott thinks, for god know how many times, _he´s real angel._

  
"Oh yeah, they were delicious the last time, by the way," Eliott says and stands up as well. 

  
"They were?" Lucas smiles and Eliott loves it. 

  
Making him smile. Done. 

  
"Yes. Absolutely. That was probably the first time I thought myself: oh dear lord, he´s making the _best_ muffins, I have to _have him!_ " Eliott says half serious and Lucas laughs. 

  
"Sure," he says and shakes his head. 

  
Making him laugh. Done. 

  
...

  
They settle on the couch, after muffins were done and whole flat smells like the chocolate chips, Eliott tugs for Lucas´ arm so long until he has his head on Eliott´s lap. 

  
Lucas´ head on Eliott´s lap. Done. 

  
"I´m tired," Lucas yawns and Eliott bends down to kiss him on his forehead. He stays there for a little longer, lips pressed to his soft skin, inhaling the sweet watermelon scent from his hair. "What are you doing?" Lucas whispers and Eliott smiles into his skin, then he pulls a little away, just a few inches to look him in the eyes. 

  
"You smell so nice," Eliott says and brushes their noses together. Lucas smiles and Eliott kisses his dimple.

  
"You too," whispers Lucas. "Like a caramel pudding," he closes his eyes with smile on his lips and Eliott kisses the single freckle under Lucas´ bottom lip. He leans away then, watching Lucas´ face, running his fingers through his hair-

  
Running his fingers through Lucas´hair. Done. 

  
\- and he feels like his heart might combust with that sight. Lucas catches his one hand, interlocks their fingers and put it under his face, nuzzling into it. Eliott gently caresses his hair and cheek and he feels like he just supposed to be right _here_. Like this is the place, _his_ place. 

  
And it feels so _right_.

  
...

  
Lucas´ sleeping. 

  
Watching him falling asleep. Done. 

  
Eliott feels like so many of his dreams became reality today and he doesn´t really know how to handle that. How can be universe so kind to him and give him all of this happines? How can the universe just look at him and says: yeah, you´ve been the biggest prick, so here, take this box, there is all you ever wanted. 

  
_How?_

  
Eliott´s watching Lucas´ face and he thinks, _how could I live for so long without knowing him?_

  
Now it´s not any escape here. Now there is no way back. He can´t just live _without_ him in his life, when he just learn everything what life _with_ him means. Is this premature? Is he thinking too much ahead?   
Maybe.   
Not that he cares. 

  
Eliott picks up Lucas´ phone from the couch and unlocks it. Lucas doesn´t have any password on his phonescreen, seriously, not even that drawing sign, the dots connection, nothing. 

  
Eliott dials his number on Lucas´ phone, let it ring once (thankfully it only vibrates, so he doesn´t wake Lucas) and then he saves his number in Lucas´ phone. Just his name and pudding emoji.   
Then he locks it and puts it back on the couch. 

  
He saves Lucas´ number in his phone too then, Lucas´ name with watermelon emoji, so every time he sees it, he remembers that sweet smell he´s sure he´s gonna miss every minute he won´t be surrounded by it. 

  
It´s true, what he thought this morning when he was kissing Lucas in the kitchen. It´s true, no way back, it´s true.   
He´s in love with him. _He is._

  
...

  
Eliott would love to stay like this forever, with sleeping Lucas, on the couch in apartment which is not his. He doesn´t mind. He would love to spend the rest of his life like that, but 

  
but he needs to pee. He really really needs.   
So he pull his hand away from Lucas´ grip, lifts him up from his lap just a little so he can slips from under him, then he put Lucas back to the couch on the soft pillow. Lucas must be really tired, because he doesn´t wake up, he just curls into himself a little more with sigh, so Eliott takes the blanket and covers him with it. 

  
He´s the cutest. He´s really the cutest. 

  
When Eliott returns from bathroom, the front door cracked open and Yann and Arthur enter the room, putting their bags on the floor.

  
"Eliott! Hey man! How have you b-"

  
"Shut up!" Eliott hisses at Arthur with wide eyes and clenches jaw. 

  
"Uh... that are really nice welcoming words for your buds, man," says Yann, both him and Arthur taken aback. 

  
"Shut up, you´ll wake him," says Eliott in a loud whisper, gesturing towards the couch. Arthur and Yann look there and their expressions soften. 

  
"Ohhh, my son!" Arthur calls out and Eliott wants to kick him to his ass. 

  
"Get out!" he shouts at them in a whisper. They look at him offended. "Get out, you´re too loud, let´s go to my flat, now," he says and shoves them out of the flat and with one last loving glance to sleeping Lucas, he closes the door behind them.

  
...

  
"So, Eliott, what you´ve been up to?" Idriss asks as they greeted each other and settled in their living room, boys sharing their feelings from the trip. Eliott is finally at his own place, his space, his "home" (shhh) and he´s not as happy as he thought he would be... Something´s missing. 

  
Or someone. 

  
"Idriss, you were away for four days, not years. I was... I was going to school, writing essays, drawing, thinking about concept for my art class because I need to have the theme of it in the next lesson and-" he stops when he notices the glances between boys. "What?" 

  
"Nothing, nothing," Idriss raises his hands defensively. 

  
Eliott´s watching them for a moment suspiciously, because there´s something they don´t telling him and it´s annoying. It´s really fucking annoying. 

  
"What´s going on here?" 

  
"Nothing man, geez, we´re happy to be home," says Idriss. 

  
"And you look funny in Arthur´s pajama t-shirt," adds Yann and chuckles. 

  
"Funny shit, yeah, what I should do without the access to my own room for my own clothes, huh?" Eliott says but chuckles anyways. "But thanks, guys, for letting me stay in your flat and borrow your clothes. Nice from you," he says honestly. 

  
"Yeah, no problem man, anytime," says Yann and pats him on his shoulder. 

  
"I´m going for another beer," says Arthur and gets up. He takes two steps when they hear the knock on the front door, so Arthur instead of kitchen goes to open the door. 

  
There´s Lucas. Looking all sleepy and adorable and cuddly. So _cuddly_. He holds plate with muffins. _Here comes the sun,_ Eliott thinks, when he sees his smile.

  
"Lulu!" Arthur wraps his arms around him and pull him into a tight hug. Lucas holds the hand with plate up and the other hugs Arthur around his neck and he giggles. "I missed you!" Arthur says and swings him from side to side. 

  
"Missed you too," says Lucas as he holds Arthur with closed eyes and wide grin on his face. _Beautiful_ , Eliott thinks. Beautiful. 

  
Yann is at the door too and when Arthur gets Lucas free, takes the plate from his hand, Yann hugs him. 

  
"How are you?" he asks in a hug. "How have you been?" Yann pulls away and takes Lucas´ grinning face to his hands, tilting it to look at the bruise there. "It looks a little better."

  
"I´m fine, it´s nothing," says Lucas, looks at Idriss and Sofiane over Yann´s shoulder and waves at them. 

  
"Hi, Lucas!" Idriss calls out loud. "Missed you, buddy!" 

  
"Missed you too. Bring you these, thought you´ll be hungry after travelling," says Lucas and points to the plate in Arthur´s hands. "You have your own at home," says to Yann and Arthur. 

  
_Home_. 

  
Nobody looks shocked by that word from Lucas. 

  
"Oh my god, you´re the best!" says Sofiane and takes the plate from Arthur. "Thank you, Lucas, seriously."

  
"Fucking hell, I love you, Lucas," says Idriss as he takes one chocolate muffin from the plate and shoves the half of it into his mouth. Lucas giggles, but Eliott´s heart speeds up a little with idriss´ words. _I love you, Lucas,_ just like that. 

  
"You look kinda tired, Lulu," says Yann with worried look. Lucas smiles and shrugs. 

  
"Come on, we´re taking you home," says Arthur and put his arm over Lucas´ shoulders.

  
"Talk to you later, boys," says Lucas to Idriss and Sofiane. "Welcome home. Glad you came back all alright," Lucas smiles at them and then at Eliott with soft eyes and Eliott has to grab the couch under him to not run to Lucas and take him to his bed. 

  
"Thanks for the muffins, Lucas," says Sofiane and Idriss hums with full mouth. 

  
"Eliott was helping," is the last what Lucas says before the door closes behind the three of them. 

Cooking/baking together. Done. 

  
Sofiane and Idriss are staring at Eliott. 

  
"What?" 

  
"Uh..." Sofiane rubs the back of his head and Idriss is chewing. 

  
"Why are you all acting so wierd, since you came home?" says Eliott and ignores the last word he says. "What the fuck?" he laughs as he gets up from the couch. "I really miss Alex here."

  
Idriss and Sofiane eat a few more muffins before they make their way to their bedrooms. 

  
"Ahhh, I can´t wait to finally sleep in my own bed," groans Idriss. "We had to sleep all in one stupid room, you know, Eliott? In one room! On the floor, mostly."

  
Eliott laughs. "I thought you found some cheap motel?" 

  
"Yeah, but we arrived there and Alex said we don´t have to spend more money than needed and we can sleep in his dorm room. Not fun," says Idriss and yawns. 

  
"So go get some well-deserved rest, bro," says Eliott with amused smile. 

  
"Will do, goodnight," says Idriss and dissapears in his room. 

  
"I´m gonna go too," says Sofiane. "Look at us. It´s not even 6pm and we´re exhausted. We´re like bunch of grandpas."

  
Eliott laughs again. "Yeah, you´re boring, man. Both of you." Sofiane laughs, heading to his room. Then he stops.

  
"Oh, and..." Sofiane says and pull out something from his bag pocket. "I accidentaly had this with me the whole time, sorry about that," he says but his face showing he´s not sorry at all, as he hands it to Eliott. 

  
There, on Sofiane´s palm, are Eliott´s keys. Eliott takes them and Sofiane walks to his room. Sofiane had them with him the whole time? 

  
"You son of a b-" Eliott starts but he stops himself, because, he´s not mad. At all. To be honest, he´s happy. That´s why he looks at Sofiane and says "Thanks," with a small smile in the corner of his lips. 

  
Sofiane smiles at him and closes the door behind him. 

  
It´s true. His friends are the best people in this world. 

  
Eliott goes to the kitchen to pour a glass of water, when something catches his eyes. 

  
The small white bottle with red letters. His medication. Medication he didn´t take for four days. 

  
...

  
SUNDAY

  
Eliott wakes up to the darkness. 

  
Something is different. But familiar. But different. 

  
Different, with his body, it vibrates with energy.  
He sits on the bed, looking around until his eyes are used to the dark and he sees his room in the soft silver lighting from the full moon behind the window. 

  
_Oh_ , Eliott thinks, _I´m so happy I forgot about the curtains, now I can see the moon and it´s pretty pretty pretty. It´s so so so pretty._

  
He sits there, on his bed for a little while, his hands taping some random rythm to his duvet. _Tap tap taptaptap tap tap tap taptaptap tap_... Eliott´s humming with it the new made-up melody and then he laughs out loud at himself. 

  
He looks around and when he sees that other half of the bed is empty, he pouts his lips. He misses Lucas. Once he slept in bed next to his warm tiny body, he never wants to sleep any other way. 

  
He should call him, if he wants to come over. They can talk and talk and doing some other stuff....maybe? Yeah he should call him. 

  
But Eliott can´t find his phone. 

  
He literally jumps out of his bed, looking for his phone, but it´s not there, it´s not there, where is it? Where is it? _Where is his damn phone?_

  
"Where are you?" says Eliott out loud and then he laughs again. "Yeah, like the phone could speak or something," he says into the darkness. 

  
Eliott takes his duvet and pillows away from the bed, but phone is not there. Then he takes away the bedsheets, shaking with it, but his phone is not fucking there either. Then he pats over his clothes his whole body, but phone is nowhere. 

  
"Fuck," he says. He really wants to call Lucas. He wants to have him here, to cuddle, to talk, to kiss, to hug, to make out, to bake together. To cook together. To watching him falling asleep, then wake him up just so he can watch him to wake up, then let him sleep again.   
He wants he wants he wants Lucas Lucas _Lucas_. 

  
He´s angel. He is. He´s real angel. 

  
_Angel_. 

  
"Oh my god, an angel!" Eliott whispers loudly. "The angels!" he says with normal voice. "The angels, of course, _the angels!_ " he repeats as it hits him just now. 

  
What time is it? _What time what time what time?_ Eliott takes his alarm clock and goes to the window to see what time is it. 

  
It´s 2am. 

  
_What? 2am? Really? Just 2?_

  
Oh dear lord! He has plenty of time! Eliott claps his hands together and goes out of his bedroom. He has so much time, but also so much work, he has to go and he has to start working, so he can make it in time! He has to go. 

  
He slips his bare feet into his shoes at the front door, then he stops. He wears his pajamas. It´s probably cold outside. Should he grab a jacket? 

  
He should, probably. 

  
But where is it? Where is his jacket? Where is it? Why he can´t find anything? First his phone, now his jacket, where are his things? Someone stole them? They´ve been robbed? Should he wake Sofiane up and tell him he was right and they were robbed? Should he call the police?

  
Oh, no, he can´t call the police, he doesn´t have his phone. 

  
Eliott shrugs and opens the front door. 

  
He has to go. He has to do so much work, he has to go. He should tell Lucas. But no no no no no he can´t tell Lucas. He wants to do something nice for him, for him, for Lucas, for the sweetest boy ever. He wants to do something nice for him. For the love of his life. 

  
Yes, Lucas IS the love of his life. He should go and tell him, now. He should go and knock at his door and kiss him like crazy and tell him he loves him. Yeah, he should do that, now. 

  
But when Eliott looks around, he´s not in the building anymore, he´s outside, walking fastly through the street. 

  
Okay, _it´s okay,_ it doesn´t matter. He´ll tell him next time. It´s good. He will tell him next time. 

  
He will.

  
_He will._

  
And then, Eliott´s steps speeds up and he´s running through the empty streets into the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was calm before the storm.  
> *storms
> 
> tumblr: briallenko
> 
> PS: Tuesday dec 31, New year´s eve elu date (second part of the christmas elu fic)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Eliott," says Lucas and interrupts him with it. "I was thinking about it, you know, when I had you in my arms in your bed, I was thinking about it..." Eliott´s watching him carefully. "You know what, I was thinking about this... situation.. with me and with you, and, yeah, with us," Eliott loves that word from Lucas´ lips. "And the best thing we can do, I think, is just... take it minute by minute, you know?" Lucas says with his fingers in Eliott´s hair and he´s watching him like he´s afraid of his reaction.
> 
> "Minute by minute?" says Eliott.
> 
> "Yes, like... like we can be worried just about what happen in the next minute, you know?" says Lucas, watching his fingers with short glances to Eliott´s face. 
> 
> "Life is now," whispers Eliott. 
> 
> "Yes. Life is now," says Lucas softly and Eliott cups his face with one wet hand and brings him closer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi.  
> This is for Em, aka Emma627. Thank you for that song sweetheart. 
> 
> happy new year, lovelies, wishing only best of the best for every single one of you. ♥
> 
> I´m sorry if this is stupid, but I´m not feeling okay lately. It´s past 2am here and I´m dead.
> 
> TW: manic episode; depressed episode; mention of mental illness; violence; homophobic behaviour; mention of suicide and violence and bullying

...

SUNDAY

  
Eliott is in the atelier. 

  
In that atelier he has art workshop every wednesday, in that atelier he´s spending lots of his free time to work on his art pieces. In that atelier he´s mostly always alone, because apparantely nobody from his art class is passionate enough to create something _more_ , something _better_. Get better in that. Learn and explore and _do_.

  
But Eliott is. Eliott loves art. Eliott is here and he´s creating something big, because he just found out what´s gonna be the topic of his project. It was so obvious that Eliott is wondering why he didn´t find out sooner. 

  
It´s so clear now. So so _clear_. 

  
Eliott had it all right in front of his eyes, all the damn time. So _obvious_! And now, finally, he´s making the detailed plan. He´s writing the process onto papers. He´s drawing. He´s drawing for so long that his hand hurt so much, but he doesn´t care. He needs to do that now, when he has it all in his head, when he finally finally _finally_ knows. 

  
The night turns to dawn and then to the bright day, but Eliott doesn´t notice. He´s sitting on the ground, papers with words and lines and drawings all around him. He´s drawing another part. And then, he smiles like sun when he finally has it. When it´s _done_. 

  
Eliott stands up and put the last piece of paper on the ground and then he steps back to look at that whole thing. 

  
There´s this silhouette lying on the ground. Paper next to paper, some of them hiding the ones under with some part, there are this silhouette of an angel. 

  
Eliott rubs his forehead, wide grin on his face. He tapes it all together, so nothing can destroy his hard work. Then the next and main part of his work comes up. Eliott looks around atelier, searching for material. He needs material. He needs something to create. He needs he needs _he needs_ -

  
Eliott´s marching around the room and looking to all shelves and aisles, he´s going through all the art supplies he can find. But no no _no this is not what I want this is not what I need._ He throws things over his head, because he needs something else and he can´t find it. 

  
And then he finally finds it. Of course. Here it is. The white ceramic clay. He needs something white and clean and soft and mild to create such a piece he wants. He needs something what could do the effect he wants. And yeah, here it is. And there´s plenty of it. 

  
Eliott takes one block of white clay and carries it to the middle of the atelier. On that place there´s always something they suppose to create in that art workshop. Like, the vase with sunflowers they had to paint last week, or, sometimes also some human model they supposed to draw for exaple the week before. 

  
Then Eliott goes and takes another block of ceramic clay and carries it there too. Then he repeats it again and again. He needs lot of material for the statue he wants to make. Is it heavy? Is that block of clay heavy? 

  
Maybe. Eliott doesn´t care. Who cares, anyway? On the block there´s written 20 kilos, but whatever, _whatever_ , he needs it. He needs _more_. So Eliott goes for another and another. 

  
When there´s this pyramid of white ceramic clay blocks in the middle of the room, Eliott is sweaty and he´s panting, his arms and belly hurts, but, he´s grinning. 

  
Yeah it might be enough. Now he needs some stuff like... like... _what_? What he needs to make the ceramic statue? He looks around and brings a bucket with water, sponges and some supplies like wierdly shaped thin knives and something what looks like spoon but it isn´t, really. 

  
_Spoon_. 

  
He thinks about Lucas. How he came to lie with him _that_ night and Lucas was the little spoon. He is little. He has to be a little spoon. And Eliott loves to be the big one, because he loves to feel like he protects Lucas, somehow. He needs to be protected, Yann was right when he said that. Or.. was it Arthur? Well, it doesn´t matter, Lucas needs to be protected and Eliott will do what is in his power to make him feel loved and cared for.   
That´s why he´s doing this. He wants to show Lucas that he loves him, so Lucas won´t be so insecure about the fact that he deserves love. That he deserves this, what they have, now, and that Eliott wants him and that Eliott needs him and loves him. 

  
Eliott blinks and there´s four block unpacked from the foil and one on the top of another of another of another, so there´s this short block wall in front of him, high to his waist. 

  
Where this happened? When he made it? 

  
Huh... time is really irrelevant concept, right?

  
Eliott wets the clay with sponge from the bucket and he adds another two blocks on top. Then he takes the supplies, the wierd knife and not-spoon and starts shaping. It´s so soft, the clay. So soft. 

  
_Soft_. 

  
He thinks about Lucas´ skin. Because he never touch something more soft than Lucas´ skin. So nice and warm and soft soft soft. He´s sure that if he was looking for the word _soft_ in vocabulary, he would find photo of Lucas´ skin. That´s for sure.   
Hm, maybe he should find out right now, no? 

  
Eliott looks around the room for something like bookshelves with vocabulary, but he doesn´t find any. 

  
_It´s okay, I´ll look it up later._

  
When he turns back to the clay statue, two big eyes stares at him, sharp nose and cheekbones, jawline and lips, full, with small smile in the corner. 

  
Where this happened? 

  
"Oh my god, I´m much better in it than I thought," says Eliott and laughs out loud. The art workshop is working, obviously, because he´s a really good sculptor by now. He remembers the day he met Lucas for the first time. How Idriss said Eliott wasn´t good in creating sculptures. 

  
_Watch out, bitches_ , thinks Eliott now. _Watch out, I´m amazing. I´m amazing artist. I´m gonna be rich. Not like van Gogh who was poor his whole life and after his death his art pieces were sold for huge amounts of money that he could bath in it if he was still alive._

_No no no._

  
Not like him, not like him. Eliott will be rich in _this_ life, and he won´t have to kill himself because of his poverty. Not in this universe. 

  
Eliott´s working on it for so long, so so long, and he´s not about to stop anytime soon. He just found everything he needed for this. 

  
His muse. 

  
Passion. 

  
Place. 

  
The right mood.

  
He´s gonna make it. And when the professor in his art class ask about his project theme, he can say he has it done, already. Because his theme are _angels_. 

  
_The angels._

  
Of course! Why he didn´t think about it sooner? He has it right in front of his eyes for the past four or so days. 

  
_Lucas_. He´s an angel. His muse. His passion. His motivation. His inspiration. And also the place, the right place for Eliott. The place he never wants to lose. 

  
He´s in it, he´s into it so much that he doesn´t notice when the sun starts shining less and less. It´s miracle itself that on this november sunday the sun even shines, but now, it´s late and the sun is hanging lower on the sky. What time is it? Does it matter? Not to Eliott, apparantely. He´s there since he left the apartment building, so something aroud half past two in the night he arrived here and he´s working since then. 

  
His body aches. His limbs feel heavy and he starts feeling the first signs of exhaustion. Maybe not first, but first he´s able to admit. But he needs work some more, he needs to make the wings. They´re way more complicated than everything else. 

  
He´s kneeling on the ground in front of the statue, modeling the second wing, working with that wierd knife like a pro by now. It´s already dark outside.

  
Someone enters the room. 

  
Eliott´s wide eyes snap to the door and there´s Sofiane. 

  
"Hey, buddy," he says and slowly approach closer to him.

  
"Sofi! Look what I made! And you and Idriss were laughing at me how I´m bad in sculptures, huh, jokes on you, I´m excelent!" 

  
Sofiane stops, staring at the statue. He´s apparantely in shock and Eliott feels a little satisfied because that means that his piece is incredible, right? 

_Right?_

  
"Eliott, how long are you here?" Sofiane asks carefully, watching around. 

  
"Don´t know don´t care," Eliott waves a hand at him and picks up the finished wing. "Look," he shows to Sofiane with pride grin and tired red eyes. 

  
"Wow," Sofiane says. "That´s beautiful, buddy, seriously. But... uh... don´t you think... maybe we could go home now? What you say? I brought you your jacket, it´s freezing outside," he picks up one of his hands with Eliott´s jacket and scarf. 

  
"Noooo, not yet, I need to fixate this wing to my angel, you know?" Eliott stands up. It goes slowly, because his legs hurt from long sitting, surely, and his hands are tired too. 

  
"Okay, but hurry, yeah? It´s really late..." Sofiane says and looks around with worried look. 

  
"No no no no my work can´t be hurried because I want it to be perfect, you know? It has to be has to be _has to be_ perfect perfect _perfect_!" he almost screams those last words. 

  
Sofiane doesn´t say anything, he´s just standing there, watching him and so Eliott focuses on this last part of his work and attaches the wing to the angel´s back. It´s hard, because his arms are so heavy.

  
And then

  
it´s _done_. 

  
...

  
Eliott doesn´t remember how he got home. He doesn´t remember the way he and Sofiane had to take. He doesn´t remember how he got to his apartment bulding, to his front door, to his room, but suddenly he´s here, in his bed, covered to his chin with thick duvet, and the exhaustion is enormous. He wants to sleep. He wants to sleep so much, he has no energy. 

  
"Eliott," says Idriss´ voice and Eliott opens his eyes, just a little, and looks at him. "Do you need anything? Some water to drink maybe? Or you want to take a shower? I would help you, you´re all dirty from something white. What is that?"

  
Eliott blinks at him. What is he talking about? He just wants to sleep. Sleep sleep sleep. Until the heavines of his own body dissapears. 

  
"Eli? Do you need anything?" asks Sofiane from the other side of the bed. 

  
And Eliott... maybe he does. Need something. 

  
So he whispers to the dark "Lucas."

  
"W-what?" Idriss asks. "Lucas? Our Lucas, from the flat next door?" he´s confused, apparantely. Why wouldn´t he? He doesn´t know about him and Lucas, not yet. 

  
"Eliott, it´s too late, he´s probably already sleeping," says Sofiane softly. 

  
"Please," says Eliott. 

  
There´s quiet in the room. Quiet and dark. Eliott might fell asleep. Maybe the darkness just devoured him. He feels like he´s falling. Endless falling, without any destination. Without any ground at the end. Without the end. 

  
Eliott feels like there´s storm in his head. 

  
And then, there´s this hand on his. And quiet voice "Eliott."

  
Eliott opens his eyes a little and there´s angel. Kneeling next to his bed, holding his hand, hair all messy and wild and then eyes, _those eyes_ , clear and dark blue in the moonlight shining through the window. And he looks tired. Eliott feels the tears forming in his eyes, because he´s just so perfect, Lucas is so so so _perfect_. 

  
"You´re here," says Eliott silently and holds Lucas´ hand. Then he slowly shifts a little back on his bed to make some space for Lucas, who apparantely gets the message because he stands up and crawls to the bed next to him without letting go of Eliott´s hand.   
Once he´s there next to him and Eliott feels his warmth, he crawls on Lucas´ chest, arms around Lucas´ torso. Lucas´ hands embrace him around shoulders and Eliott feels kiss on his forehead and few others in his hair. Eliott lets the tears fall, he´s no longer strong enough to hold them back. He´s exhausted. 

  
Lucas brings the duvet up to cover Eliott to his neck and then he just holds him. And it´s everything and more Eliott ever wanted, when he feels like this. And he has it, now. He has it. He has Lucas. 

  
He´s exhausted, he wants to sleep. He wants to sleep so badly, but sleep doesn´t coming for him. Eliott´s mind is elsewhere. He feels Lucas´ arms around him, he feels his hands caressing his skin over his t-shirt and he wants to cry. He´s thinking about Lucas´ hands, how soft skin they have, how strong they are. How beautiful. How generous. How caring. And he thinks about the scars on them. About the sign that in this world are poeple so cruel, that they can broke even an angel. 

  
With that thought, Eliott cries more, silent tears falling down and down and he can´t stop them. 

  
Eliott thinks about that possibility to _not_ know Lucas. To never get to know him. He thinks about _what if._ _What if_ Lucas wasn´t strong enough to survive that. _What if_ some of the bullies didn´t stay just at words but they would do something worse. _What if_ Lucas just gave up back then and he wouldn´t be here now? Eliott´s arms tightens around him and Lucas does the same, holds him tighter, presses another kiss to his hair. 

  
Eliott listens Lucas´ heartbeat right under his ear and it´s a little unsteady, but Eliott couldn´t be happier listening to anything else. 

  
...

  
MONDAY 

  
Eliott sleeps almost all day. He wakes up once just to see Lucas´ sleeping face on the pillow next to him. One hand reaching for Eliott, the other on the pillow, long sleeve of his shirt pulled a little up, scars visible. Eliott stares at them, he can´t _not_ do that. Lucas´ hand is so close, that Lucas can maybe feel Eliott´s breath on his skin. Eliott looks at Lucas´ face, peaceful, a single tear cought on his eyelashes. He looks like painting. He looks like a dream. And when Eliott focuses on Lucas´ hand again, he sees every single line on that. Even some he didn´t notice before, because now he sees it just so _close_. 

  
Eliott counts. 

  
He doesn´t want to, but he does that. He does that anyway. 

  
Fourteen. 

  
Fourteen fucking lines. And it´s just one hand. What the other one, Eliott doesn´t wanna think about it. He takes Lucas´ hand in his and falls asleep after few minutes. 

  
...

  
TUESDAY

  
Eliott wakes up in the late afternoon. His body doesn´t feel as heavy as yesterday and his mind seems like raining, instead of storming. 

  
Lucas isn´t there, next to him. Eliott turns to the other side and Lucas is truly gone. No no no _please no._

  
Then he hears a few guitar tones. He shifts on the bed and looks around his room and he sees Lucas, sitting in the chair with guitar on his lap. Eliott calms down and lies back down, watching him. 

  
"Hi," says Lucas and smiles at him like the sun he is. 

  
"Hi," Eliott whispers. 

  
"I found a [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHnAVhaYnb8) for you," says Lucas and his cheeks are a little pink and it´s adorable. 

  
"For me?" asks Eliott, brings a pillow under his head to look at him better.

  
Lucas doesn´t say anything, just smiles and then he starts playing. Lightly, quietly, not big showtime, just him and his guitar, and now, Eliott too. 

  
Then he starts singing. Quiet and melodic and nice, so nice, and Eliott listens with holded breath.

  
_"One day_   
_I'll be looking back on this and I'll say_   
_I'm so happy that you said you would stay_   
_there were times I know that I was crazy_   
_fraying at the edges and you save me_   
_I'm losing count of chances that you gave me_   
_you're laughing at me dancing really badly_   
_and telling me the reasons why you'd gladly_   
_do it all again_   
  
_'cause I'm not bad myself but you're amazing_   
_you're amazing_   
_oh I'm not bad myself but you're amazing_   
_you're amazing"_

  
The words and the melody go through Eliott´s ears right to his heart. His brain has no time to process it. Same as the sight of Lucas like this, playing and singing, quietly but clearly and pleasantly. 

  
"I thought I never said it to you and I think I should. Sorry it took me so long," says Lucas and looks down. 

  
"Lucas..." Eliott whispers because he´s still pretty much speechless. "Come here," he says and reaches a hand to him. Lucas looks at him for a few seconds more, then he put the guitar to the chair and goes to Eliott, who wrapped him to his arms. 

  
They lying like this, Lucas in Eliott´s arms, limbs tangled, hiding under the covers. 

  
"You´re unbelievable," says Eliott, kissing Lucas´ forehead and cheek. He´s thinking about that he can tell it now to Lucas. He can just simply tell him. But when he looks at him, when he looks at Lucas, the little adorable boy in his arms, and Lucas looks up at him a little shy and a lot beautiful, Eliott realizes where they are and why - because of Eliott´s episode - and it not feels right, not like this, not in this moment. Eliott finds a better moment. So he just kisses Lucas on the forehead and says "You´re amazing. Thank you." 

  
...

  
WEDNESDAY 

  
Eliott wakes up and sees Lucas getting up from bed. Eliott catches his hand.

  
"Don´t leave me," he says, voice hoarse. "Please."

  
"I´m not, I´m not, don´t worry," says Lucas softly and kisses his temple. "I prepared you a bath, come," he takes Eliott´s hands and tugs for them. Eliott goes, because he would go anywhere with Lucas. He gets up, slowly, the cover falls from him and he goes, Lucas leading him to the bathroom, where is low lighting and two candles and hot bath. 

  
It looks so good and warm and calm and Eliott just now realizes what he´s wearing. How he looks like. 

  
He has still that pajamas he had on saturday night and in which he ran to the atelier. His hands are covered with dry white ceramic clay. He doesn´t look to the mirror, too afraid to see how Lucas might seeing him right now. 

  
But Lucas... Lucas just smiles at him, closes the door behind them and reaches to take his shirt off. Eliott let him. 

  
"I... I turn around so tell me once you´ll be in the bath, okay?" says Lucas, covers his eyes with his palms and turns around. Eliott almost chuckles how adorable Lucas is. Eliott wouldn´t mind if Lucas would see him naked. But he knows that it has to be slow with Lucas. Not do anything to scare him. And stripping shamelessly in front of him after his episode... that´s not okay. 

  
So Eliott takes the rest of his clothes off and steps into the pleasantly hot bath. It´s so nice, so so nice. 

  
"Lucas," he says quietly. 

  
"You okay? Can I turn around?" says Lucas in muffled voice and Eliott smiles.

  
"Yeah," he says and Lucas turns to him and takes his hands off of his eyes. Then he steps closer and kneels down next to the bath. 

  
"I´m gonna go make some coffee and breakfast, okay? I´ll be back in a few," he says, caresses Eliott´s cheek. "Oh and I´ll bring you some towel, I couldn´t find any."

  
Eliott washes his clay-covered hands and it feels so good, so so good. Then he wet his hair to wash them too. 

  
Lucas comes back after longer time than Eliott would like. He kneels next to the bath again. "You want me to wash your hair?" he asks and runs his fingers through Eliott´s wet hair. 

  
But Eliott needs to say something first. 

  
"Lucas," he starts and looks him in the eyes. "You know, I had an episode, in the past days," he says and it sounds wierd, his voice sounds wierd. He swallows. "It happened probably because I didn´t take my meds for four days, because I didn´t have the keys from here..." Lucas nods understandingly, all calm and in peace. Eliott takes a deep breath. "I remember what you said that you don´t want to be a burden to me or to anyone because of the possibility of having a mental illness," Eliott says and Lucas´ face frozen, but his fingers are still in Eliott´s hair. "And I don´t wanna be a burden too, I don´t wanna be a burden to you, Lucas, you know," Eliott says and Lucas inhales a little shakily. "But I´m so sorry, I´m too selfish to tell you to go away. I´m too selfish to let you go, just like that, just because of these days. I´m too selfish to not have you, when I´m finally... when we finally...when-"

  
"Eliott," says Lucas and interrupts him with it. "I was thinking about it, you know, when I had you in my arms in your bed, I was thinking about it..." Eliott´s watching him carefully. "You know what, I was thinking about this... situation.. with me and with you, and, yeah, with _us_ ," Eliott loves that word from Lucas´ lips. "And the best thing we can do, I think, is just... take it minute by minute, you know?" Lucas says with his fingers in Eliott´s hair and he´s watching him like he´s afraid of his reaction.

  
"Minute by minute?" says Eliott.

  
"Yes, like... like we can be worried just about what happen in the next minute, you know?" says Lucas, watching his fingers with short glances to Eliott´s face. 

  
"Life is now," whispers Eliott. 

  
"Yes. Life is now," says Lucas softly and Eliott cups his face with one wet hand and brings him closer. 

  
"Thank you, Lucas," whispers Eliott to the small space between them and kisses him. It feels so good like Eliott always forgot what is that feeling, but then they kiss again and he´s like ahh, this is it, this is it. 

  
_This is it._

  
...

  
Lucas changed his bedsheets. (So that´s why he was gone for longer than necessary.)

  
It smells so nice and familiar despite the fact that Eliott never seen those bedsheets, ever, in his life. It´s not his and not even Sofiane´s or Idriss´, he would know. 

  
In his room is nice fresh air and when he changes into clean pajamas and lies down to the bed, he feels good. Lucas sits on his bed for a minute and caresses his hair gently. 

  
He´s an angel. 

  
"Eliott, Sofiane and Idriss will be here in like half an hour... I need to go to do some stuff for school-"

  
"Oh, fuck! You were here with me instead of school," Eliott realizes just the fuck now and he stares at Lucas with wide guilty eyes. "I´m so so sorry Lucas, I didn´t realize-"

  
"Hey, it´s all good, I had talks with my professors so they´re good about it," Lucas says and shrugs. "I have my school material and stuff to learn, so it´s okay, yeah?" 

  
Eliott can´t believe he´s real. 

  
"Lucas," he wants to say something but Lucas doesn´t let him, bends down so their foreheads touching. 

  
"It´s alright," he whispers and Eliott hugs him closer. They stay like that for a moment and then Lucas pulls away and goes.

  
He stops in the middle of the room. "Where is that magic mirror you said you have?" he asks out of nowhere. 

  
Eliott smirks and points to the wall where he has round mirror on the wall. Lucas steps closer to look into it. He´s silent for a minute. 

  
"Hm..." he says then. 

  
"What?"

  
"I think it´s broken," says Lucas. 

  
"Why? What do you see there?"

  
"Just my face."

  
Eliott´s grin goes wide. "So it works perfectly."

When he´s falling alseep with his face pressed to the pillow, he realizes, the bedsheets smell like watermelon.

  
...

  
Later that day, Eliott gets out of the room to take something to eat.   
Sofiane and Idriss are there, sitting on the couch, watching some old sitcom.

  
"Heyyyy bro! You´re alive!" calls Idriss loudly when he sees him. 

  
"Hey, Eli, feel better?" asks Sofiane. "You definitely look better."

  
"Yeah, I´m good, thanks... And thanks for... picking me up... In atelier," he adds a little hesitantly. 

  
"Oh, no, it´s okay, Eliott, you know, we´re... we need to apologize," says Sofiane and switches off the tv. Idriss straightens on the couch with guilty look in his eyes, matching Sofiane´s. 

  
"What?"

  
"We...uh... we took your keys so you had to stay with Lucas, because we thought that when you get to know him, you would like him and you wouldn´t be so mad and sad and shit, you know..." says Sofiane. 

  
"Yeah, I figured that out already, Sofi," says Eliott and leans to the wall. 

  
"Yeah, but... we didn´t realize that you didn´t have your meds with you," says Idriss with frown. "Nobody of us think about that even once. We´re shitty friends. And look at what happened. You ran in the middle of night and, fuck, I´m so sorry Eliott. We´re sorry, really."

  
"Sorry, Eliott," says Sofiane and both of them looks so damn guilty what the fuck... And okay, Eliott didn´t have a time to think about that situation, because the night he realized, he was manic. 

  
Now, he takes a deep breath and thinks. And when he´s thinking about it, he realizes, he´s okay with that. He´s okay, because yeah, he hates being manic and/or depressed, but he´s happy about that situation with Lucas. He´s happy they talked and he´s happy he heard him play the guitar and sing and he´s happy they taking it now minute by minute and he´s happy he had Lucas for himself for three days and he´s happy because-

  
"May I ask something?" Eliott says and both of his friends look at him. 

  
"Yeah, yeah, of course," says Idriss. 

  
"What I did in the atelier? I don´t really remember everything, just little pieces, and.." he shrugs. 

  
"Yeah," Sofiane coughs, "you were drawing a lot, I took those papers, you have it on your desk. You also uh... made a statue."

  
"What? 

  
"You created a statue in real proportions," repeats Sofiane slowly and Eliott stares. "And, Eliott... it´s incredible."

  
Oh, yeah, Eliott remembers making a statue. That´s why he had dirty hands from clay. But, fuck, seriously...

  
"Of what?" he asks. Because he needs to be sure. 

  
"What?"

  
"Statue of what?"

  
"Um... an angel."

  
Fuck. 

  
"I´m gonna go there tomorrow and take a look. Is that still there?" he asks Sofiane. 

  
"Yes, yes, sorry, I didn´t make it, carry your art pieces on papers and also your living statue," Sofiane jokes and Eliott chuckles. 

  
"Okay, thanks," he says with smile and turns around to go. 

  
"Um... Eliott?" calls Idriss again and Eliott takes a step back to them. 

  
"So... what´s going on between you two?" asks Idriss nonchalantly and takes a sip from his coffee mug. 

  
"Between who?" Eliott asks like he didn´t know what he´s talking about (he knows).

  
Sofiane rolls his eyes. "You and Lucas."

  
Eliott shrugs. "I´m in love with him."

And really, it's so easy say it out loud. It's so easy and it feels so good. Because yeah, Eliott is in love with Lucas and it seems like the most obvious thing in the world. 

  
Idriss almost chokes with the coffee he´s drinking, he and Sofiane staring at him, then Idriss´ face breaks into a wide grin. 

  
"I knew it," he says. "I knew he´s your type, like I told you before you met him, remember? I fucking knew it back then already!"

  
"Yeah..." Eliott looks down, smiling softly with the thought of Lucas. "You were right. He´s my type. He´s my only type."

  
...

  
THURSDAY

  
Eliott can´t believe what just happened. 

  
He went to the atelier and he bumped into his professor at the door. 

  
"Oh my god, I´m so sorry," started Eliott but stopped when he saw the look in the old man´s eyes. 

  
"Mr. Demaury..." he started and then he gestured to Eliott to follow him inside and Eliott did. 

  
Once he was there, he lost his voice. Because there, in the middle of the room, was this statue. White, big like proper human being (maybe a little smaller), and majestic. Eliott stared. 

  
"So... this is your work mr. Demaury?" asked the professor, in his face no emotions at all. Eliott didn´t know if he was angry or not. 

  
"I-I mean..." Eliott went closer to the angel. Yes, it really is angel. Wings and all. 

  
"There´s your name," said professor and really, on the left shoe there´s Eliott´s name. 

  
"Yes, I made this," said Eliott. It looks different than in his messy memories. It´s not as smooth as he thought it would be and not as detailed, but Eliott saw the similarity in many many creatures. 

  
Because, really, _it´s Lucas._

  
"Mr. Demaury, you have spectacular talent," said professor. "This is almost excelent work. I have no idea when did you make it but it´s really something..." he said, watching Eliott and then the statue again.   
"Here," said the old man and handing something small to Eliott. It was the key. 

  
Eliott looked at him with question in his eyes and professor shrugged with raised eyebrows. 

  
"It´s the key from this atelier. So next time, when the muse will kiss you and you will want to work on something... you can come here and work and not breaking the window because od it, okay? Are we clear?" he said and Eliott, in shock, only nodded. Professor turned to leave and then he said "Hm... but truth to be told, artist in the history did much worse things for art, right?" and then he was gone. 

  
_What even is my life_ , thinks Eliott.

  
...

  
FRIDAY

  
It´s friday and instead of game night, boys going to the cinema. All of them. Last Star Wars movie comes out and they need to see it, of course. 

  
Eliott has bunch of other ideas what to do at friday night with his boyfr- Lucas, with Lucas, but he thinks that night like this with all the boys would be nice. There´s even Chris with them, Arthur´s boyfriend. They´re going in the front, then Sofiane with Idriss and Yann and Eliott with Lucas go in the back. 

  
They´re holding hands and nobody tells a single word about it. 

  
Sofiane and Idriss maybe because they feel bad about Eliott´s meds, or, just because they are nice for once and not in the mood to mocking Eliott about it, and Yann and Arthur... well, maybe Lucas told them?

  
Who knows. 

  
Who cares. 

  
Eliott is here, holding Lucas´ hand on the way to cinema. 

  
Holding Lucas´ hand while walking through the street. Done. 

  
Eliott feels so good like this. Like he and Lucas just belongs together. Like this is their naturality. This is _everything_. Eliott tells Lucas about that yesterday events with art atelier and he feels so so so damn good to tell it to him and it feels even better that Lucas listening and he´s smiling at him and he´s here and he´s all sun and Eliott loves it. He brings their hands with interlocks fingers to his lips and kisses the back of Lucas´ hand. 

  
Kiss on the back of Lucas´ hand. Done. 

  
They go and Eliott hears Idriss speak. "Look, here was the club party back then, remember?" says and waves to the club on their right. Eliott thinks about that night as they´re passing by, about that asshole what was bothering Lucas and he wants to-

  
Lucas freezes on the spot and Eliott only notices when he stops too, because of their connected hands. 

  
"Lucas?" he turns to him and steps closer. "What is it?" he asks because Lucas looks terrified, staring at the club´s door. Eliott follows his eyes and there´s few people smoking and then this man in brown leather jacket-

  
Wait. 

  
"Is that th-" he doesn´t finish before the boys notice them. 

  
"Eliott? Lucas? Let´s go! The movie!" says Yann and when neither of them move, he and Idriss and Sofiane come to them. "All good?" 

  
"Lucas, is that really him?" asks Eliott, looks back to Lucas, who stares, his grip on Eliott´s hand so strong and tight. Then he snaps back to Eliott and swallows. 

  
"I-I mean... let´s g-go to the cinema," he says in small shaky voice. 

  
"No, Lucas. That´s him, right?" repeats Eliott. 

  
"Who is who?" asks Idriss confused, looking around. 

  
"There´s that son of a bitch who beated Lucas up," says Eliott, his voice deep and threatening. Lucas´ hand in his starts to shake. 

  
"What!?" Idriss and Yann almost yell. "Who? WHICH ONE?" asks Idriss and Yann probably sees red. 

  
Just like Eliott. 

  
"That one with the brown leather jacket and beard," says Eliott and sees how Arthur and Chris come to them. 

  
"Hey, guys, let´s go," says Arthur. Idriss and Yann already making their way to that asshole and Eliott wants that do too. 

  
"Arthur, take Lucas for a minute," he says, leading Lucas to him. 

  
"N-no, Eliott, no, please," says Lucas and his voice trembling with holded tears. 

  
"Lucas, wait here, I´m gonna kill him, be right back," says Eliott, giving his hand to Arthur who apparantely starts to realizing what´s going on and grabs Lucas´ hand. 

  
"No, Eliott, please _wait_ ," says Lucas but Eliott sees red and he goes to Yann and Idriss. And that piece of shit. 

  
"So you did it! You fucking shit!" says Yann, grabbing the man´s jacket. 

  
"What should we do to you to make you pay for it, huh? You almost killed young boy, you asshole!" says Idriss in threat. 

  
And then there´s Eliott. Shoves himself between the two of them, grabs the ugly ass jacket and shoves him to the wall. 

  
"I´m gonna kill you, you fucking shitstain, I´m gonna kill you and I swear I´ll enjoy every single second of it," he says with clenched jaw. 

  
"Eliott," says Idriss and put his hand on his shoulder. Eliott shakes it off without look back. 

  
"Eliott, please, please, don´t," says Lucas behind his back and Eliott curses. 

  
"Lucas, go back to Arthur," he says because Lucas doesn´t have to see that. It´s gonna be ugly. 

  
"No, Eliott, please-"

  
"Ahhh, so that´s _you_ what this is all about?" says the guy when he sees Lucas. "But your face is just as pretty as before, the color almost dissapears, wanna me to add some more?" he says and Eliott-

  
"That was fucking enough!" he says and punch that guy to the face with his fist. He´s so angry he feels absolutely nothing, but that guy hit his head to the wall with that punch and he press his hand to his nose. 

  
"What the fuck!" he yells and Eliott's really gonna kill him now. Nothing can stop him. 

  
"You piece of fucking fuck!" Eliott yells and he feels a hand on his arm and he shoves that person away because he has something to do but then-

  
"Eliott!" Yann calls out in wierd tone so Eliott turns and see

  
Lucas on the ground, hurry to get up.

  
 _Fuck_. FUCK. 

  
"Fuck, Lucas, I´m so sorry," Eliott bends to him and picks him up to his feet, hugs him tightly. "Are you okay?" he pulls back to look at him. "I´m so sorry baby," he cups his face to his hands carefully. "I´m so so sorry baby I didn´t want to-"

  
Lucas takes a shaky breath and when he blinks, the tears fall down his cheeks. FUCK. 

  
"Eliott please, let´s go," he says, holding his forearm. 

  
"Ohhh, you found yourself a fuckboy, rainbow boy? Huh? Look at you, all grown up and even more fucking fag like-" the dickshit never finish, because Yann and Idriss punch him at the same time, Yann to his stomach, Idriss to his chin and the fucking prick falls to his knees with coughing. 

  
"Dickhead!" Idriss spits next to him.

  
Eliott wants to go and finish what they started, but Lucas´ grip tightens and Eliott looks back at him. 

  
"Eliott please, I want to go home, _please_ ," he says and blinking through the tears and okay, yeah, Lucas is the priority, Eliott can find that shit later. 

  
"I mean... we had a little advantage, no?" says Yann, looking at that guy who now sits on the ground, back pressed to the wall, wiping his bloody nose, watching them carefully. 

  
"They were two grown up adults on one Lucas, so no, he still didn´t even got what he deserves," says Eliott and spits on the ground. 

  
"What?!" Yann looks at Lucas in shock and Lucas looks to the ground, face still in Eliott´s hands. 

  
"Now listen to me, carefully, you piece of fucking shit," says Idriss and bends to that guy. "One more time I´ll hear about you or I´ll see your stupid shitface or I´ll see just a glimpse of your silhouette, you will be dead, do you understand?" Idriss grabs his jacket and shakes with him. "I will kill you with my bare hands. Do you fucking understand?"

  
"One more look his way and you´re gonna die," says Yann, his voice venom and Lucas in Eliott´s hands shakes.

  
When they walk away from that poor-excuse-of-human-being and they´re far enough to not hear the club beats, Eliott looks at Lucas more clearly under the street lamp´s lighting. He looks shaken, tracks of tears still visible on his cheeks. 

  
"Lucas?" Eliott asks softly and Lucas looks up at him. "Did I hurt you?" Eliott asks quietly because he would like to kick himself into his ass for what he did there. 

  
"No, I´m okay," says Lucas. 

  
"I´m so sorry Lucas, I´m sorry," Eliott says and wants to cry. How could he do that to him?

  
"It´s okay, Eliott, it doesn´t matter. Not anymore." Lucas grabs Eliott´s hand (the one which is not over Lucas´ shoulders) in his both and holds it. 

  
"It does matter, Lucas, I could have-"

  
"I´m not feeling to watch that movie, I want to go home," says Lucas. "I´ve never seen those previous ones, so."

  
"You never seen any Star Wars movie?" asks Eliott, just to be clear. 

  
Lucas shrugs. "No."

  
Eliott thinks about it for a moment and then he thinks about all the things Lucas never had chance to experience because of his life struggles. He just needs to make it up for Lucas. 

  
They all stop in front of the cinema. 

  
"I´m going home," says Lucas, half turns to Eliott. "Stay with boys and have fun, okay?" he says with a half smile and leans to kiss Eliott´s cheek. 

  
"No way I let you go home alone, Lucas, I´m going with you," says Eliott and Lucas shaking his head. 

  
"No, please, you wanted to see this movie, I´m gonna be okay, I promise, and I´ll text you when I´ ll be home," says Lucas but Eliott sees it. He sees how is Lucas sad right now and still a little scared and there´s no way he leave him alone. 

  
"Lucas, stop it. I want to be with you," says Eliott and kisses Lucas´ forehead, when Lucas lets out the resignated sigh. "Boys, we´re going home," says Eliott to the others. Yann looks at him and then at Lucas, standing there, looking so small, and he nods.

  
"Okay," he says, then presses a kiss to Lucas' hair. "We´ll be home soon, okay?" says to him and Lucas smiles at him. 

  
The. Angel. 

  
Once they´re back at Lucas´ flat and Lucas´ room, lying under the covers, Lucas already half asleep, Eliott presses his face to Lucas´ hair and whispers "I´m sorry I´m sorry I´m sorry," with kisses between it. 

  
Lucas holds him closer and Eliott feels his lips on his neck. "Minute by minute, Eliott."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In advance I´m sincerely sorry for the next chapter. And maybe even the next one. 
> 
> tumblr: briallenko


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliott didn´t know why he just didn´t tell Lucas while they were walking through the dark streets back to their apartment building. Why? It was a great oportunity. It was amazing. He held Lucas´ hand in this plushie mitten and he loved every single minute of it, of their time together.   
> But then, when he finally took a breath to tell him, the word got cought in his throat and he started coughing and Lucas had to hit him to his back so he could take a breath again. 
> 
> Awkward. 
> 
> So yeah, he didn´t tell him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m sorry I don´t feel really good lately.  
> Also mecs, I don´t know how that works but maybe some of you have exams in school so good luck y´all, you´re gonna be amazing ♥
> 
> Enjoy this chapter which is mostly fluff and Eliott´s inner fight and a little hint at the end for the chapter 10 (coming soon I promise).
> 
> TW: mention of public attack; mention of violence

...

Every minute with Lucas was like a dream for Eliott. 

  
More than a dream. It was way more than Eliott could ever dreamed of. It was special. It was amazing. And suprising. Eliott was constantly thinking about all those perfect things he could never get to know, if he didn´t get over himself. 

  
Eliott was in awe. Eliott was stunned. Because Lucas... Lucas has so much _joy_ inside, he has so much _laugh_ and sweet _smiles_ and kind _words_. And _love_. So much love for others. So much love to _give_. 

  
Eliott would love to just sit and watch him for hours and hours to learn _how_ is he doing that. And to be honest, that´s what Eliott does most of the time. 

  
It´s been a week since the interaction with that asshole who beated Lucas up. It´s been a week. Eliott felt so guilty. He shoved Lucas in his own anger to the ground, literally. He felt so guilty that when they were lying in the bed together that friday night and Lucas whispered _"minute by minute"_ , Eliott cried. He felt so guilty, but Lucas didn´t let him. 

  
When Lucas woke up saturday morning, Eliott was already awake, stroking his hair and watching him, carefully, to not a single detail could escape him (watching him waking up - done). Like, parted lips. His peaceful relaxed expression. His long eyelashes covering the dark circles under his eyes. How he sighs and turns to the side. How his hand reaching for Eliott, his eyebrow furrowed until he find Eliott´s hand, then relaxed again. Eliott heart melts with that, melts with the sight of Lucas´ pure soul. 

  
So when Lucas´ finally woke up, he smiled at Eliott like he'd brought him all the stars from the night sky (and, to be honest, Eliott would do that, if he knew how). Lucas smiled at him like the morning sun and wrapped his arms around his neck to whisper soft "good morning" to his ear and kiss his cheek. And then the kisses turned into something more, something Eliott felt in his toes. Lucas´ tongue dancing with his own, hands everywhere but touches still soft. Lucas´ soft skin. Lucas´ hands on Eliott´s bare chest, neck, waist, back, and Lucas´ muscles tightening under Eliott´s touch. _Amazing_. 

  
Eliott felt guilty for the previous night but Lucas was so calm and sunny and smiley, that Eliott didn´t know how to act. What to do. He tried to bring that topic to their conversation again, but Lucas shook him off. He got up, took Eliott´s hand and leaded him to the kitchen to make breakfast. 

  
Lucas didn´t give him chance to feel otherwise than _good_. His mood, his behaving, his smiles and soft touches, everything just made Eliott feel good. Great. Amazing. He was watching Lucas a lot. Lucas got up pretty early (even when Eliott would love to stay in bed with him and _do stuff_ all day long... or forever) and prepared breakfast not just for himself and Eliott, but for Arthur and Yann too, and then, when he looked at the amount of food, he put some of it to other two plates and with Eliott they carried it to next door flat for Idriss and Sofiane. 

  
Lucas was an angel. 

  
Eliott still couldn´t understand. 

  
They had movie sunday at the flat of Yann and Arthur and Lucas, and Lucas was sitting on the couch between Yann and Eliott, glasses on, focusing on the movie like he never saw it before. They were watching Lord of the rings trilogy, and Lucas looked absolutely stunned. 

  
Later Eliott learned that Lucas truly never saw it, never in his life. 

  
"We didn´t have a tv, when I was a kid and since I have laptop, I´m using it just for school stuff," he shrugged and smiled, like it was nothing. 

  
And maybe it _was_ nothing. But Eliott loved movies, he loved cinematography. If he wouldn´t be accepted at art school three years ago, he would totally go to film school. So he was thinking about all the great movies Lucas didn´t see and he didn´t know where to start to showing him these. 

  
...

  
At monday, Eliott picked up Lucas from school to walk him home (he maybe took a picture of his schedule poster from the wall in Lucas´ bedroom, but _shhh_ ). Lucas walked out of the history building right in time and when he saw Eliott standing there, he was genuiely surprised, but smiled at him and put his hand in Eliott´s, as they walked together. 

  
...

  
At tuesday, Eliott was there again, waiting with cup of green tea for Lucas. When the little boy came out of philosophy building from his psychology class (yes, Eliott knows his schedule by memory, but _shhh_ ), he looked to the right and left and when he finally saw Eliott, wide grin appeared on his beautiful face and Eliott´s heart made a backflip in his chest. 

  
...

  
At wednesday, Eliott couldn´t go and pick him up, because he had an art workshop. He sent several texts to Lucas and bunch of funny animal pictures. 

Yes, for the record, he´s _fucked_. 

  
...

  
At thursday, Eliott was in the café with boys, like usually, impatiently waiting for Lucas.   
When he finally showed up, Eliott´s breath cought in his throat how pretty Lucas looked in all black with grey scarf and grey vans.

"Lucas! My boy!" Idriss called out as always and Lucas turned around from the counter to look at them. He smiled and waved at them, then he told his order to the boy behind the counter. Eliott was watching the boy and he didn´t quite like what he saw. 

Like, the way he was smiling at Lucas. The way he licked his lips, which, in different circumstances, Eliott would maybe found as a little cute, but not today, no, Eliott didn´t like it. Or how the boy´s eyes were focusing on Lucas´ face like he wanted to burn a hole in that. How he touched Lucas´ hand when he took the money from him. How he slowly and carefully wrote the letters on the paper cup. Fuck, Eliott is even almost sure he drew a fucking heart there. If he wrote there his number, Eliott swear to god he´s gonna-

"Hi, guys," said Lucas, standing at their table, grinning at them. Eliott´s face softened immediately. 

"Hey, Lulu, how´s it going?" asked Arthur when he and Yann fistbumped with him. 

"Actually I´m late today, I can´t stay and chat with you guys any longer, so sorry, I forgot some stuff at my class and I had to went back there to take them and now I´m late, so..." Lucas ran his hand through his hair, made them even bigger mess and he looked endearing. But Eliott also noticed the distress in his eyes hidden behind his smile and he frowned. 

"Are you okay?" he asked and took Lucas´ hand in his, Lucas´ eyes snapped to him. He was looking at him for a moment and then he smiled. 

"Yeah, yeah, no worries, all good," and kissed Eliott´s temple. "I have to go," Eliott kissed the back of his hand and Lucas walked out of the café with green tea cup in his hand. 

"He looked a little stressed..." said Sofiane then. 

"Yeah, he looks like that since very morning. I think I heard him awake since 4:30," said Yann and in Eliott´s stomach settled bad feeling, could be discribed as a _worry_. 

He pull out his phone and sent a text to Lucas. 

  
**Eliott (16:34)**  
_please stay safe_

  
Lucas replied after few minutes.

  
**Lucas (16:39)**  
_Will do... something happened?_

  
Is that even possible? How can he care about Eliott firstly when he himself apparantely didn´t feel well. Eliott felt like he might cry. 

  
**Eliott (16:40)**  
_all good. be there for u at 7_ ♥

  
**Lucas (16:42)**  
_Don´t you want to take some rest instead? I´ll be fine._

  
No. Fucking _not_. Eliott didn´t want to take rest. He wanted to be with Lucas. That´s all. He wanted to be just with him. 

  
**Eliott (16:43)**  
_no. wanna see u. take care, baby_ ♥

  
At one moment, Eliott started to call Lucas a _baby_ , and since then he couldn´t stop. Okay yeah, maybe Yann and Arthur called him like that before, but for Eliott it has whole different meaning. Because, like he said to Idriss and Sofiane like a week before, he´s in love with him. He was in love with him and he just waited for the right moment to tell Lucas. 

  
**Lucas (16:47)**  
_You too. I have to go, bye_ ♥

  
**Eliott (16:48)**  
♥

  
...

  
At friday, Eliott brought his school stuff to the library. Lucas was already there, drowning in the books and papers. Eliott took a seat opposite to him. Lucas looked up. 

"What are you doing here?" he asked with a hint of smile in the corner of his lips.

"What? Can´t even go study to the library? I´m sorry, Lucas, but this is a _public_ library for _all_ students, you know? It´s not just your place," said Eliott, trying to hide his smile. 

"Oh, no? Fuck, I was missunderstood then, I guess..." Lucas frowned and rubbed the back of his head. "I need to find a manager to make things clear," he stood up and wanted to walk past Eliott, but he cought him for his wrist an pulled him to his lap. Lucas giggled and it´s adorable and Eliott might swoon on the floor. 

He held him there, on his lap, arms wrapped around Lucas´ middle. 

"How was your day?" Eliott asked softly, when Lucas put his hand around Eliott´s neck and looked him in the eyes. 

"Good. How was yours?" Lucas responded in the same tone. 

"It´s better now," said Eliott and brushed their noses together, grinned when Lucas´ nose crinkled. 

"Sap," Lucas whispered and Eliott let out a breathy laugh. Lucas kissed his cheek, then the other one too and then pressed their foreheads together with sigh and closed eyes. They stayed like that for a while, Lucas´ arms around Eliott´s neck, Eliott´s around Lucas´ middle. Then the clearing of throat disturbed them, so they looked up. 

"Hi, Lucas and...?" the girl with red hair and nose ring said, looking at Eliott now.

"Hi, Melanie, this is Eliott," Lucas smiled at the girl - Melanie - and so Eliott smiled too. 

"I wanted to ask... there´s this group, something like lgbt support club, and we´re having meetings every second friday, here, in the library. There already were a few of them, but.. uh... I thought that maybe... you two would want to join us?" she was apparantely pointing at their position, Lucas on Eliott´s lap, hugging each other. 

"Wow, really? That´s great! Should be more things like that," Lucas said and smiled and Eliott hugged him closer. 

"Yeah, I know, right?" Melanie agreed immediately. "It´s important in society like that for people like us, support and hold each other."

"Yes, definitely. Is that meeting right now?" Lucas asked. "Because I´m sorry, I need to study today," Lucas pointed to the mountain of books on the table with apologetic face. Eliott almost snorted, because they were there like that, clearly _not_ studying. But, whatever. He won´t be complaining. 

"Oh, yeah, no, another meeting is next friday, here at 6:15pm," she said. 

"Okay, great, thank you Mel," said Lucas and Melanie grinned at him. 

"Okay, I have to go now, bye Lucas, bye Eliott," and she was gone. 

"You wanna join that club?" asked Eliott with raised eyebrow. Lucas shrugged. 

"I don´t know yet, but it´s nice to hear about something like that, don´t you think?" he made a move to stand up, but Eliott groaned and hugged him tightly. 

"No, please, not yet! I missed you!" he pleaded and Lucas giggled. 

"Eliott, I wasn´t kidding, I really need to study."

"And I really need a kiss," said Eliott and cupped Lucas´ face with one hand to bring him closer. Lucas made a funny face on him with crossed eyes and Eliott laughed. "C´mon! Kiss me!" Lucas shook his head and Eliott groaned again. "Please!"

"Hm and what I´ll get?" asked Lucas with raised eyebrows. 

"What? You´ll also get a kiss. From me. So. Come here," Eliott wanted to pull him closer again. 

"Hm..." Lucas humed unimpressed. Eliott gasped, offended. 

"It´s not good enough for you, huh?" 

Lucas shook his head again and tried to hide his smile. 

"Okay so what about I´ll bake you some chocolate cookies once we´ll be home. Is that good enough yet?" Lucas pretended to think about it for a while, tapping his index to his chin, lips pouted. Adorable. 

"Okay, I´ll take that," he said then and let Eliott to cupped his face with both hands and kiss him, there, in the library, where they should be studying.

  
...

  
See, it was amazing with Lucas. 

  
Everything was just so _good_ and so _right_. Eliott felt content. He felt understood. He felt like he will combust any second. With love, with joy, with adoration. 

  
All because of this sweet boy. 

  
It was also wonderful to watch how Lucas felt more and more relaxed with Eliott. With every other day, he was more in ease. He was starting to trust Eliott. And Eliott thought this was the best feeling in the world. 

  
...

  
When Eliott came to pick Lucas´ up from school next monday, Lucas ran to him and jumped on him with this little squeak, legs around Eliott´s hips, arms around his neck, peppering kisses all over Eliott´s face. 

  
Eliott thought, _this is the happiest moment in my life._

  
...

  
When Eliott waited on tuesday, someone covered his eyes from behind and whispered to his ear. "Oh wow, you´re so handsome, and you´re standing here all alone, how so?" Eliott grinned wide, took Lucas´ hands to his and turned to face him. And here he was, with bright smile and shiny eyes and Eliott kissed him like never before and Lucas grabbed his jacket and held himself up and Eliott held him so tight and close that Lucas´ feet might not touching the ground, but whatever. _Whatever_.   
They pulled away after long long time and they both couldn´t catch their breath for a minute and then Lucas licked Eliott´s cheek and giggled when Eliott made a face and then Eliott giggled with him and he thought... _this is the happiest moment in my life._

  
...

  
When Eliott walked out to the atelier after his workshop on wednesday evening, there was Lucas, standing with the coffee cup in his hand, smiling like a sun. 

"What are you doing here?" Eliott asked, because on wednesdays they didn´t do that. 

"Eliott, this is _public_ place, you know? For every single one of all students. This is not only your place. I can be here too," said Lucas half-serious and Eliott squinted his eyes, hiding back his smile. 

"Hm... I see..." he said. "But I have it rented for tonight so... how you're gonna pay me for letting you to stand here?"

"I brought you hot chocolate," said Lucas with sweet smile and handing him the cup. 

Eliott took that, but looked at him unimpressed. "Hm.."

"Not good enough for you?" asked Lucas, almost honest with his surprised face, but not really. "And what about a... uh... kiss?"

"Hm... It could be working, honestly. Try it," said Eliott with shiny eyes. Lucas took a step to him, then another, then he stood to his tiptoes and kissed Eliott on the cheek. 

"Here. Happy?" 

"Not really..."

Lucas reached up again and kissed Eliott on the other cheek. Then on his nose and forehead and chin. "Are we good now?" 

"Not really..." repeated Eliott.

"Oh, I see. Ungrateful bitch you are," Lucas´ one-corner-up-smile made Eliott´s heart do wonders in his chest. Lucas turned around with a smirk and started to walking away from Eliott. 

"What? Where are you going?" called Eliott and chased after him. 

"I wanted to take a walk with you, you know, nice slow walk back home, but, guess I´m going only by myself," Lucas shrugged. 

"No no no wait!" Eliott ran to him. "Walk? It´s fucking freezing, Lucas." 

"That´s why I brought you this," Lucas pointed to the hot chocolate cup in Eliott´s hand. "And this," he unwrapped his grey scarf from around his neck and reached out to put it around Eliott´s instead. "And these," Lucas pulled out soft blue plushie mittens from his coat pocket. Then he took one and put it on Eliott´s left hand, the other put on his own right hand. 

"What´s the point of having only one?" asked Eliott, amused. Lucas smiled softly and put his hand in mitten to Eliott´s in other mitten. Then he put the bare one to his pocket. 

"Shall we?" he asked, all sweet and cute and Eliott´s smile grew wide. 

"We shall," said Eliott and took a few steps forward before tug for his hand stopped him. 

"I forgot," said Lucas and kissed Eliott, finally on the mouth, more sweet than ever before, pinkness and sweet smell devoured Eliott, his all senses, his whole being and he thought, _this is the happiest day in my life_.

As they walked home, slowly, hand in hand, he felt _everything_. And he just wanted to tell him. Three words. Four, if he would add his name. And he wanted to add his name, it´s important. 

"Now you don´t have a scarf, Lucas, you´re gonna catch a cold or a flu," Eliott frowned after ten minutes of walking. 

"That´s why I wear a turtleneck sweater, see?" Lucas raised his chin up and yeah, he had thick black turtleneck sweater and he looked...well... he looked...

"You look beautiful," said Eliott, couldn´t took his eyes off of him. And Lucas´ cheeks got pink and maybe it was from the cold but maybe it wasn´t. 

  
...

  
Eliott didn´t know why he just didn´t tell Lucas while they were walking through the dark streets back to their apartment building. Why? It was a great oportunity. It was amazing. He held Lucas´ hand in this plushie mitten and he loved every single minute of it, of their time together.   
But then, when he finally took a breath to tell him, the word got cought in his throat and he started coughing and Lucas had to hit him to his back so he could take a breath again. 

_Awkward_. 

So yeah, he didn´t tell him. 

  
On thursday, Lucas didn´t show up at the coffee shop. 

Eliott got worried, because he also didn´t responding to his messages since morning. 

"Where´s Lucas?" he asked Yann and Arthur. They gave him wierd looks, like, he should know, when they´re dating, no?

"I guess in class, he´s probably busy when he´s not here yet," Yann shrugged. 

"He doesn´t responding to my texts?" Eliott made that sentence a question. 

"Oh, yeah, right, he forgot his phone home this morning," said Arthur and pulled out Lucas´ phone from his pocket. "I took it to give it to him here, but, he´s apparantely not coming today, huh?" 

Eliott was thinking about what he could do. He could look to his phone on the photo of Lucas´ schedule and find out where he is right now and bring him his phone and maybe his green tea or something. Something good to make him feel better. Okay Eliott didn´t know how Lucas felt in that moment but he wanted to do something nice for him. He wanted to see him and hug him and tell him that he lov-

"Eliott? You coming? We´re gonna be late," said Sofiane and when Eliott looked up, he saw all boys already in their jackets, waiting for him. 

"Yeah, sure, I´m coming," he said and walked out of the coffee shop. 

  
When he was waiting for Lucas at 7pm like usually, he vibrated with impatience. Eliott just wanted to see Lucas to make sure he was alright. And okay, yeah, he might be overreacting, but with all those events Lucas had already behind, in his twenty years short life, _of fucking course_ Eliott will be worried about him. All the time. 

Students were walking out of the bulding and noone of them was Lucas. Eliott was looking to the right and left and all around and then, when everyone was gone and Eliott stood there alone, Lucas appeared at the door. 

He looked small and tired and heavy. He was looking down to his feet, his backpack hanging from one shoulder. 

"Lucas," Eliott called out, not really loud, because they were alone in there. Lucas looked up to him with sad blue oceans his eyes were and then Eliott cut the distance between them to wrap him in his arms. Lucas burried his face to the space between Eliott´s chest and arm, wrapped his arms around Eliott´s middle and sighed. Eliott hugged him and he got even more worried. 

"Are you okay, baby?" he asked softly. "What happened?" 

Lucas didn´t say anything at first, and then, his muffled voice said, "I had such a bad day." 

And Eliott just... Eliott just wanted to make him feel better, to make him feel loved and cared for and that he´s gonna be okay again and that Eliott promise. 

"What happened?" he asked again and pulled away a little, cupped Lucas´ face in his hands. Lucas let his eyes down for a while, then he looked up to meet Eliott´s concerned grey ones. 

"I´m so tired," he said. "I couldn´t sleep and then I forgot my glasses and my phone at home, and then I fell asleep in the class so I could´t make it for the tea and to see you, and I didn´t have my phone to text you, and then I couldn´t focus in the class, and-" Lucas´ voice broke and he just shook his head, took a shaky breath and closed his eyes. 

"It´s okay, it happens sometimes that you forget something. Don´t be sad about it," Eliott kissed his forehead. He had that feeling that Lucas was scared about that schizophrenia thing, again.  
Lucas let out a frustrated breath. 

"Yeah, right, but every time I forget something I freak out, because I´m scared that it´s _happening_ , that it´s _here_ and it´s who I am since now, but it´s not here, not yet, I don´t think so, but I just can´t help it and freak out about it every time. Or when I just can´t remember something, it freakes the shit out of me and I can´t handle-"

"Lucas, listen to me," said Eliott, stroking Lucas´ cheeks softly. "It´s not here. Nothing is here, do you hear me?" he waited for Lucas´ eyes to focusing on him again. "You´re okay. I promise. Okay?" Eliott said and Lucas stared at him, taking a deep inhale. "You just need to get some good sleep."

Eliott then stood there with Lucas´ face in his hands, lips pressed to his forehead for a moment, then he placed Lucas´ head to the place between his neck and shoulder and held him there, until it seemed like Lucas could fall asleep like that. 

"Let´s go home, love," he said and his mind didn´t even notice the word _home_ , he just used. But his heart definitely noticed the word _love_ , he just used too and started racing like crazy. 

Once they got home, they stood in the hall between the doors from their flats. 

"Want me to go with you?" Eliott asked, watching Lucas´ face. 

"No, it´s okay, thank you," said Lucas and hugged him. "Thank you for listening my bullshits, Eliott." 

"Not bullshits, Lucas. Everything you´re thinking matters, okay?" Eliott pressed kisses to his hair and face and then Lucas looked up and kissed Eliott on his lips. It was so soft and sweet that Eliott wanted to stay like that forever. 

"Good night, Eliott," said Lucas and unlocked his door. 

"Good night, love," said Eliott and stood here until the door closed shut behind Lucas and then a moment longer. 

  
He was thinking about... why he just couldn´t tell Lucas? And then, yeah, today was not a good day to tell him such a thing. It need to be the right mood.   
Eliott was thinking as he went to his room. He took off the jacket, then the sweatshirt, then the jeans and put on some sweatpants. 

  
He was thinking about love. 

It´s wierd, because he didn´t think he ever felt anything like _this_ before. He didn´t think he felt anything like that with Lucille, and he dated her for three years. To be honest, he never really said it to her. He never said her "I love you."   
She said it. She said that to him and Eliott, because he was seventeen and he thought the feeling he had about her is _it_ , he told her "me too." But those three words? Never left his mouth with her. 

  
Eliott was thinking about how she just destroyed those words for him. It was toxic relantionship and he couldn´t believe now, how he could stay in that for so long, when it was good for hardly three months at the beginning. He was thinking about how his friends never said anything to him? Why Idriss or Sofiane or Alex never said: "Hey, bro, she´s a bitch, she´s ruining you. Go away from her, now!"   
Or  
Or did they say that but Eliott didn´t notice? Eliott didn´t pay attention? Eliott didn´t want to hear the truth? Most likely. 

  
Now he was thinking about how Lucas came to his life and changed everything. Changed his way to look at relantionships without even being in one, like, ever. Changed his way to look at _life_ and maybe Eliott changed Lucas´ too. But most importantly, Lucas changed his way to looking at _love_.   
Eliott thought, thanks to Lucille, that love is jealousy and rules and watching the other carefully for him to not do anything stupid (like Lucille liked to say about his episodes), Eliott thought that love is harsh and that love hurts. 

Eliott didn´t feel any of this with Lucas. 

With Lucas, love is caring. Love is looking after each other, but not babysitting. Love is soft. Love is sweet and mild and warm. Love is soft kisses. Love is passion. Love is the feeling about your heart, when you see the person you love. Love is this feeling like there´s not enough space for the amount of love you have for them. Love is pure and precious. Love is private smiles and kissing on the hand. Love is patient and understanding. Love is everything with Lucas. Love _is_ Lucas. 

Lucas _is_ love. 

And Eliott really loved him. 

He needed to tell him, right now. 

Right now, because it never will be the right time. Always is the right time. NOW is the right time. He needed to tell him _now_. 

Eliott didn´t know how much time passed while he was thinking in his room, but he walked out, passed Idriss and Sofiane on the couch with pizza, "Hey, buddy, want some?" "Not now, Idriss!" and walked out of the door. 

Eliott forgot that he should knock and he just walked into the next door. 

He stopped after few steps. 

Because, there was Lucas, half-lying on the couch between Yann and Arthur, head on Yann´s shoulder and he was sleeping. Arthur had his head on Lucas´ shoulder and both him and Yann were watching some anime in tv and they looked up to Eliott, a little confused. 

"Hey, buddy, what´s up?" said Arthur quietly, raised his head from Lucas´ shoulder. Lucas sighed and his hand blindly reached until he found Arthur´s forearm and held it. 

"I-I´m... I just wanted to-" Eliott didn´t know. He was watching Lucas´ sleepy face, his dark circles, his expression in which sadness was still slightly noticable. 

"Everything okay, Eli?" asked Yann then, softly, not to wake Lucas, but in his voice was concern. 

"Yeah, yeah, all good, sorry for interrupting, uh..." he took a few steps back, then he turned around to look at Lucas again. "Thanks for taking care of him," said to Yann and Arthur. 

They were a little surprised, but then Arthur said "Of course, we love him. He´s our little angel."

And 

_Yeah, I know,_ thought Eliott. 

And then

_Yeah, I love him too._

"Okay, I´m gonna go," said Eliott and took another few hesitant steps out of the room. 

"Hey, Eliott?" Yann´s voice stopped him. Eliott turned back to face them. 

"Yeah?"

"Do you think you could... um... carry him to his bed? I had a rough day today and I can´t really... I have almost no power in my body left," said Yann and... like.. yeah, Eliott definitely could do that. 

"Okay, yeah, I´ll carry him to bed, sure," Eliott said nonchalantly but he couldn´t stop the smile appearing on his lips. 

He really had the best friends on the world. 

Eliott lifted Lucas up to his arms like he didn´t weigh a thing and he sighed and curled himself closer to Eliott´s chest, hand gripped Eliott´s t-shirt just above his heart. Eliott hugged him close and carried him to his bed. He wrapped him in blankets and stayed there for a minute, watching him and caressing his hair. 

He´s so beautiful. 

"Sweet dreams, angel," Eliott whispered and kissed his forehead once more. It might be his favourite place. Well, one of the favourites, definitely. 

Eliott got up to his feet when Lucas mumbled "....you, Eliott," softly and so adorably.

 _He recognize me even when he sleeps_ , thought Eliott. And he thought he might never felt this content, never in his life. 

  
...

  
FRIDAY

  
So yeah, now it´s friday morning and it´s been exactly 20 days since he and Lucas get together. And yes, Eliott´s counting. He´s counting every damn minute of his precious time with Lucas and he constantly learning that day doesn´t have enough hours and night doesn´t last for as long as it could.   
  
(So, 2nd november, their anniversary. Is Eliott pathetic? Maybe. Nobody cares.)

  
It´s been 20 days since that one specific saturday morning in the kitchen, 20 days since he learned about Lucas´ secret (his scars), 20 days since he lost it and fought, really truly _fought_ for what he wanted. 20 days since Lucas let himself fall into it, _finally_. 20 days since he felt Lucas´ soft skin for the first time. 

  
It´s been 20 days and Eliott loves Lucas for more than half of the time. Is that wierd? Is that too early? Should he just shut up and wait and tell him after at least one whole month? 

  
This is so hard. Eliott doesn´t know what to do. He doesn´t want to fuck this up. 

  
He´s standing there in the corridor, in front of his apartment door with two hot silver travel cups, leaning against the wall and yawning. And waiting. It´s around 6am and he´s tired. He´s so damn tired... but he wants to be here. 

  
The next door opens and there he is. 

  
Lucas. 

  
He closes the door quietly and turns around. 

  
"God!" he breathes out, eyes wide. 

  
"Nope, just me," says Eliott, smiling. 

  
"Fuck, you scared me," says Lucas and looks him up and down. "What are you doing here? It´s so early." 

  
"Gonna walk you to your class," says Eliott, interrupted by his own huge yawn again. 

  
"Eliott, it´s 6am. I know for sure you don´t have classes until 10," says Lucas and comes closer to him. "Go back to bed."

  
"No, I´m going with you," says Eliott and leans down to kiss Lucas´ cheek. He smells like cotton candy. Like strawberry ice-cream. Like pinkness. Like _Lucas_. 

  
"Eliott, please, go back to sleep, you look like you´ll fall asleep on the way to school," Lucas talks in hushed soft voice and he reaches his hands to stroke Eliott´s cheek and brush some hair strands from his forehead. It feels so nice that Eliott closes his eyes and he might really fall asleep like this. 

  
But no. He blinks a few times to focus on Lucas again. 

  
"I have to go to atelier, work on my project. Seeing you in the morning is just a bonus," says Eliott and kisses Lucas on his sweet sweet soft lips. It´s small kiss, but it´s so much for Eliott. "Feeling any better?" he asks then, looking into Lucas´ blue blue eyes, somehow darker in the morning. 

  
"I´m fine," says Lucas, shrugs and smiles. And he´s so sweet. Really. 

  
"Here, this is for you," Eliott hands him one of the travel cups and Lucas takes it. 

  
"What is that?"

  
"Your morning tea," Eliott says like it´s obvious and maybe it is, but according to Lucas´ affectionate expression, not so obvious for him. 

  
"You´re unbelievable," says Lucas and leans to kiss him and to kiss him some more and more. And morning kisses are so so so good with Lucas. Everything with him is good. But this is... this is just...

  
"You´re so sweet," Eliott whispers to the space between them, as they rest with their foreheads pressed together. Then Eliott yawns again. "Sorry."

  
"Eliott, go back to bed," Lucas says again. 

  
Eliott shakes his head. "No," and he reaches to interwine their fingers together. 

  
"You´re such a fool."

  
"Yeah, fool for you."

  
"Stop it," mumbles Lucas, looks down and his cheeks go pink and Eliott can´t with the amount of cuteness he sees in front of him. 

  
"Never," he says and lifts Lucas´ chin to kiss him again. 

  
"Okay, okay, we need to go, I really need to get to my class in time," says Lucas after some time, breathless. 

  
Eliott smiles. "Okay, do you have your phone?" Lucas pats his right pocket and nods. "Your keys?" Lucas pats his left pocket and nods again. "All the stuff you need for today´s classes and your glasses?" Lucas thinks for a few seconds and then nods for the third time. "And scarf. You need to get yourself some scarf, it´s cold and I don´t think I´ll ever give you this one back," Eliott smirks with Lucas´ grey scarf around his neck. It smells nice, like watermelon. Like Lucas. 

  
Lucas shakes his head with a huff, then opens the door to his flat again and reaches in for something, then closes the door again with burgundy scarf in his hand. He put it around his neck, put his hand in Eliott´s and looks up at him. 

  
Lucas´ eyes are like diamonds with that burgundy color. Really, they look even more bright than usually and it´s really really strange in such an early hour in the morning. Eliott is breathless. 

  
_I love you, Lucas._  
_Just say it, Eliott, jesus, tell him you love him._

  
"Shall we?" Lucas asks with raised eyebrow. 

  
"Y-yeah, of c-course, let´s go," Eliott squeezes his hand and they go together. They leave the building and walk through the still dark street when Eliott remembers something. "Oh, wait, Lucas," they stop and Lucas turns to look at him. "I wanted to give you something," says Eliott to his curious face. 

  
Then Eliott pulls his hand out of his pocket and he holds something in his closed fist. 

  
"What is it?"

  
"Here, take a look," Eliott smiles and put the thing to Lucas´ waiting palm. Lucas looks at it and then he stares at it for some time, in the middle of an empty street. 

  
"Eliott," he whispers and looks up with watery eyes. There, on Lucas´ palm, is the rainbow flag pin. The pin Lucas ripped off of his jacket that night in the club. That pin Lucas threw away and ran from Eliott for the first (not last) time. That pin Eliott took from the ground and carried in his pocket with himself everywhere, since then. "You... you took that?" Lucas stares at him and small smile starts creeping to his lips. 

  
Eliott shrugs. "I thought maybe you could miss it, later," says and smiles at him. "And I got another one for you," Eliott opens the secret pocket in his brown school bag and hands Lucas black guitar pin. 

  
"Oh my god," Lucas says and rubs his eyes with the back of his hand. "This is awesome, I love it so much, thank you, Eliott," Lucas kisses him quickly few times and then Eliott takes the pins and put it on the lapel of Lucas´ black coat. Lucas looks at it and smiles widely at Eliott. 

  
_I love you, Lucas_ , thinks Eliott, for the thousand times in the last 20 days. 

  
...

  
It´s game night. It´s game night that friday evening and all the boys are there, except Lucas. Lucas didn´t want to have Eliott in library with him, because last time Eliott was _too much distraction_ and they _didn´t study because of him_ and Lucas _can´t focus because of Eliott´s eyes_ \- Lucas´ words - so Eliott waits until he can go pick him up before 7pm. It´s already half past six, he can do that, right?

  
Okay Eliott misses him. Yes, he saw him this morning when he walked him to school (and then took a nap in atelier instead of working on his project, but _shhh_ ) so maybe he´s being a little dramatic. So what?  
He really wants to tell him today. _Tonight_. He feels like if he won´t tell him soon, he might explode. He beating himself inside his head for that he just didn´t tell him this morning, after he gave Lucas those pins. 

Why he didn´t tell him? 

_Fuck_. 

  
Eliott sends Lucas a message. Another one. 

  
**Eliott (18:32)**  
_miss u_ ♥

  
Lucas responds in a minute. 

  
**Lucas (18:33)**  
_Stop distracting me, I need to study._

  
Eliott smiles at his phone screen and sends another.

  
**Eliott (18:34)**  
_can´t a person just missing his baby in peace or what._  
_can i go to pick you up finally?_

  
**Lucas (18:36)**  
_Actually I think I might stay here for a little._  
_Melanie is here and there´s the lgbt meeting like she said last week._  
_It already started._  
_I go to join them for a bit._

  
**Eliott (18:38)**  
_whattt? without me???_ :(

  
"Eliott!" Idriss calls out loud. "Stop smiling at you phone like an idiot and bring more beer from the fridge. Please!" Eliott rolls his eyes, pockets his phone and goes for the beer. Then he joins the boys in the living room, watching some stupid documentary while they´re waiting for Lucas. Yes, they all wanted to wait for him. Best friends in the world. 

  
"Oh my goodness you´re so boring," Eliott groans, but he doesn´t really mean it. He likes documentary movies. When they´re interesting. 

  
"Oh, right, how we could forgot about your fancy taste in movies," says Idriss and laughs. 

  
"Fancy taste? Care to elaborate? I like good cinematography, that´s all," says Eliott. "This looks like you would record that with your phone camera," Eliott chuckles and points to the tv. Then he pulls out his phone and frowns when he got no response from Lucas. 

  
_He´s probably with the lgbt group,_ Eliott thinks. But sends another text anyways. 

  
**Eliott (18:46)**  
_lucas? baby? u there? 4 minutes and i´m coming for u_ ♥

  
"Hey... guys?" says Sofiane, frowning at his phone screen. "Put there the news, something´s happening."

  
"News, Sofiane? Who´s boring here..." says Idriss teasingly but shuts up when he sees Sofiane´s not smiling and switches the tv channel to another. 

  
"Hey! Look! There´s our campus!" says Arthur and all the boys´ eyes look at the tv screen. 

  
Eliott hears the words. "...public attack..." and "...shooting..." and "...one shooter with gun..." and "...university library..." and "...homophobic act against group of-"

  
Eliott´s eyes are glued to the screen where is the library, police cars around the building, ambulance cars and emergency police men in all black and-

  
"What? What kind of monster can shooting in the uni library at the students..." says Yann in strange quiet voice. 

  
_I didn´t tell him._

  
Eliott´s heart crawling up his throat meanwhile his stomach drops to his feet. He runs to the door, grabbing his jacket and slipping into his shoes. 

  
_I didn´t tell him._

  
"Eliott? Where are you going?" asks Idriss. 

  
Eliott doesn´t have time for this. "There... Lucas..." he breathes out because his voice is gone, it´s gone, he can´t speak, he can´t think, he needs to go there, he needs to find him and see that he´s safe and-

  
"Lucas is there?!" says Sofiane in shock and all of them stands up and heading to the door. 

  
Eliott can´t wait. 

  
_Why I didn´t tell him?_

  
He runs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m pretty sure you´re gonna kill me for the next chapter. 
> 
> tumblr: briallenko


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What?" he asked, suddenly a little shy. 
> 
> "Nothing," said Eliott softly. 
> 
> "Why are you looking at me like that?" Lucas said, eyes narrowed. 
> 
> "Like what?" 
> 
> "Like that," he waved a hand to his way. 
> 
> "What? I can´t looking at my boy anymore or what?" said Eliott, fake offended.
> 
> Lucas blushed and looks away. Suddenly there were arms around his middle and Lucas didn´t even noticed how but he was lying on top of Eliott in a second. On his chest. He felt Eliott´s heartbeat under him, noses just inch apart. Eliott´s eyes, more beautiful than anything he ever saw in his life. He forgot how to breathe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!! PLEASE READ !!!!  
> 1) Psychopatic shooters in schools are real problem, you know? I wanted to point that out. Homophobia? Huge issue in this society. Violence is real thing too, so i´m gonna talk about it. Who knows, maybe I´ll write one-shot elu fic with them helping saving animals in burning Australia, because that´s also very very real thing.  
> 2) The second part of this chapter is from Lucas´ pov and I had it written in DECEMBER. Then Skam France s5 trailer came out and... they STOLE my idea..?? kind of? And I´m sorry I don´t want to change it, so I didn´t and here it is.  
> 3) THANK YOU, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU, because those comments from the last time made me cry and I can´t believe y´all are still here. I´m so happy I have you here, truly. Love you all. ♥
> 
> !!!!! TW: heavy homophobia; violence; mention of blood; mention of shooting; mental breakdown

...

FRIDAY

  
Eliott runs. 

  
He runs like never in his life.

  
He runs and he doesn´t get it, how can he still move, how can he still breathe, when his legs feel like jelly and his stomach hurts so much, curled up with anxiety and fear, and also his heart stayed in his living room´s floor. 

  
But he runs, anyways. He runs and in his mind, he´s pleading. He´s begging. 

  
_God, Jesus, stars, universe, angels...whoever is up there, whoever is watching the world from heavens... please please please let him be safe, let him be okay, let him be alive, let him be alive and okay and alright and safe please please please..._

  
And then he can´t even think anymore, so his mind just repeats _please please please please please please please_ in a endless loop. 

  
Eliott runs and he doesn´t feel the cold wind, doesn´t feel the freezing air, doesn´t feel the tears falling down his cheeks (probably because of the wind but maybe also not because of that), he doesn´t feel any of that. 

  
What he does feel, is the hole in his chest, his missing heart and those words he didn´t tell Lucas when he should. Those words which haunting his mind like a ghosts in murder house. 

  
_I didn´t tell him._

  
_Why I didn´t tell him?_

  
Eliott runs. He´s so damn scared. He´s terrified. He runs and he thinks he doesn´t run fast enough, it feels like fucking _hours_ (but in fact it´s only few minutes) and he´s still not _there_.   
_Fuck_. 

  
_Lucas Lucas Lucas_

  
Eliott sees the blue lights from afar. 

  
Police cars. Emergency. Yellow tape all around. People. Chaos. Noise. Silence. 

  
Eliott cuts the last fifty metres of distance in a flash that he might fucking teleport there as well. He wants to go right to the library building, but firm hand on his chest stops him. 

  
"Nobody is allowed to go there, sir, step back please," says the police man, all in black with fucking bulletproof vest. 

  
"I..." Eliott is panting, he can´t catch a breath. "I need..." he breathes without a proper sound. He´s staring at the front door of library and then he sees two paramedics in bulletproof vests carrying some person. 

  
A girl with a red hair. Who´s bleeding from her shoulder. 

  
_It´s Melanie._

  
He needs to go, Eliott needs to go and ask her about Lucas, he needs to go and find Lucas for godsake _please let me in let me in...!_

  
And then

  
then Lucas walks out of the door. 

  
No he doesn´t walk out. He _runs_. He runs from the door and in Eliott´s head start yelling voices _he´s okay he´s alive he´s alright!!_  
Eliott wants to run to him but the hand catches his arm and "Let me fucking go! There´s the boy I love, let me go!" Eliott yells and then "Lucas! Lucas!" and Lucas already running right to him and he´s stumbling and Eliott gets himself free and reaching his hands to Lucas and takes a three steps before Lucas collapses right into his waiting arms. 

  
Eliott catches him and falls down to his knees with him and then he holds him. He finally finally holds him. Eliott cries. He cries with relief because Lucas is _here_ and he´s _okay_ and he´s _alive_ and he´s _safe_. 

  
"Lucas, Lucas," Eliott repeats between sobs of relief. "You´re okay, you´re okay love, you´re safe, you´re okay, Lucas, Lucas," he repeats again and again like a madman and he feels Lucas shaking, he´s shaking so much it feels like his body vibrates. His body is so tense that it feels like a stone under Eliott´s touch. 

  
He´s only in his white long sleeved t-shirt and it´s freezing outside. He has only t-shirt and he´s shaking, maybe because of that cold, maybe because of the shock, Eliott has no clue what he´s been through, again, just a minutes ago. He has no damn clue. 

  
"You´re safe love, I´ve got you, I´ve got you," Eliott keeps repeating as he holds Lucas tightly and he´s swaying with him from side to side to calm him, because he´s obviously terrified.   
And Eliott is too. 

  
Out of nowhere, the boys are here. 

  
"Eliott! Did you find...oh my god! Lucas! Lucas you´re alright?" 

  
Yann and Arthur kneel down next to them and their hands are on Lucas and then-

  
"Fuck, is he hurt?" asks Arthur. "There´s blood. Where is this blood come from? Fuck!" 

  
And- _what_? 

  
Eliott looks down and he pulls away a little. Lucas´ holding Eliott´s jacket in tight grip that his knuckles are white, hands covered by blood too. He has absolut horror written in his face. Eyes bigger than ever before. Blood on his face, mostly on the left side and in his hair and on his shirt. 

  
And he´s suffocating. 

  
"Lucas," Eliott says and it makes no fucking sound. He tries again. "Lucas, breathe, fuck, take a breath, Lucas! You´re safe now, you hear me?" Lucas´ staring at him, he stares at him and when Eliott talks, Lucas is looking at his lips and frowning a little. He looks like he isn´t even _there_. 

  
Sofiane is there and gently touching Lucas´ face and searching in his hair and looking at his body. 

  
"It´s not his blood, he has no injury," says Sofiane and it sounds so fucking creepy that the blood on Lucas isn´t his, but also, it´s bigger relief than Eliott is able to admit. 

  
"Eliott, he´s having a panick attack," says Yann next to him. _What_? "He needs to breathe, Eliott, _fuck_!"

  
Eliott feels like his mind is miles away. He´s staring at Lucas who´s staring back at him with terror in his eyes and Eliott´s tears from relief falling now a little less, but they are there, still, but Lucas, Lucas´ eyes are dry. 

  
"Lucas, focus!" Yann says and rips one of Lucas´ hand from Eliott´s jacket and presses Lucas´ palm to his chest. "Lucas, breathe with me, do it like me, okay?" Yann says and Lucas´ eyes watching his lips as he speaks. Eliott gets this feeling that he maybe doesn´t hear him. "Lucas, Lucas, take a deep breath," Yann continues, holding Lucas´ hand on his chest and breathes. "In and out, Lucas, in and out," he´s showing him what to do and Eliott stares at them in wonder and thinks, how many times Yann already helped Lucas through panic attack? 

How he knows what to do? 

  
Lucas really starts to taking a control over his breathing and Arthur gently stroking his back and Yann still holds his hand and Eliott can´t stop staring at Lucas´ face half-covered with blood of someone else and he still doesn´t have his mind back and his heart either but he´s staring at him and he´s sure in one fucking thing

and that is 

Eliott loves Lucas more than anything in this freaking world. 

  
Eliott pulls Lucas back to his arms, presses him to his chest and holds him there and he doesn´t know if he _ever_ let him fucking go, but he´s totally okay with that. 

  
Totally okay, stay like that. 

  
Forever. 

  
"I´m gonna go ask what happened," says Idriss. "There´s my classmate, Erin," and he walks away to one of the ambulance cars. Sofiane is there too, talking to rescueman. It´s not wierd, Sofiane wants to be one too. 

  
And then two police men walk out of the building, holding arms of this boy, who has them behind his back, connected with handcuffs. 

  
"Fucking assholes!" the boy yells. "Fags! Monsters! I´m gonna kill you all! You fucking-" he would yell some more if the police wouldn´t shake with him and he stumbles in his walks and curses and starts yelling at the police. 

  
Eliott recognizes him. Arthur recognizes him. Yann probably too. And definitely does Lucas, because his body curls even more in Eliott´s hold. 

  
It´s the boy from the coffee shop. The boy who flirted with Lucas at the counter and Eliott didn´t like it, the week before. Maybe it wasn´t flirting at all, at the end, huh? No, it wasn´t.   
It´s the boy who making their coffees every damn time. 

  
He´s the attacker. He´s the shooter. He did this, he did all of this. 

  
Eliott shakes and Lucas... it´s probably whole different level. 

  
"Okay so Erin told me that they had lgbt club meeting and this boy wanted to join them and out of nowhere he pulled out the gun and started shooting at them," says Idriss when he comes back. "Or I don´t know, she´s really shaken. She´s in shock. I don´t know if I got it right." 

  
Eliott looks at Lucas, who´s apparantely in shock too. And he´s cold. He´s gonna be sick. Eliott takes Lucas´ hands off of his jacket, carefully, but firmly, because he holds it for dear life. Eliott takes them off the jacket just to wrap it around Lucas, presses him to his chest (Lucas grips Eliott´s hoodie instead almost immediately) and wraps the unzipped jacket around Lucas, hides him there, inside, to keep him warm. 

  
"Which one of you is injured?" asks the female rescue who comes with Sofiane. 

  
"Noone," says Yann with relief and a little confusion. 

  
The woman looks at Sofiane inquiringly. 

  
"Oh, boys, I bring her to look at Lucas. She´s a doctor, let her check him out, if he´s okay, just for us to be sure and for him to be safe," says Sofiane and Eliott thanks all the stars in the whole universe for friends like his. Because his brain is useless and in panic mood right now. 

  
The woman kneels down next to Eliott and Lucas and unwraps him from Eliott´s hold and jacket. Lucas doesn´t let go of Eliott´s hoodie. She lights up small torch to look into Lucas´ eyes. 

  
"Look at my finger," she says and holds up her index. Lucas looks at her mouth. He looks like he doesn´t understand one single word. "Look here, buddy," she says and Lucas´ eyebrows is furrowed but he looks at that finger as she moving with it from the right to left to the middle. 

  
"Anything hurts?" she asks and Lucas doesn´t say a word. "You hear me, dear? Are you in pain?" Lucas stares. The woman sighs, checks his face and head and tells them it´s really not his blood - thank god - and "He´s in shock. He needs a rest. We can take him to the hospital with us, if you want-"

  
"No," says Eliott. There´s no way they take Lucas away from him. 

  
"-but I don´t think it´s necessary. Just make sure he drinks water, a lot, and he takes some rest. He needs good sleep," she says and then she adds in a quieter voice "And maybe a psychologist..." Then she pats Sofiane on his shoulder who thank her. "Also, look, he really needs sleep because it´s his mind what needs to rest the most. But I also know that in cases like this, most of the times, people are not able to fall asleep, so maybe, you would need a sleeping pills for him..." Eliott stares. He put his hand on the side of Lucas´ face, another arm is wrapped around his body under Eliott´s jacket. 

  
"How do we-" starts Sofiane.

  
She sighs. "You know what..." she pulls out something from her side pocket and writes down few words. "He is adult, right?" 

  
"Yes, he´s nineteen," says Yann.

  
What?

  
He´s nineteen? Eliott thought he´s twenty. How can Lucas be at the same year like Yann and Arthur when he´s only nineteen-

  
"Here," she gives the paper to Sofiane. "It´s not too strong, but it´s enough. Just if he´ll really need it, okay?" Sofiane nods and thank her again and then she´s gone. 

  
"Let´s go, let´s take him home," says Idriss and pats Eliott´s back. 

  
"H-his stuff..." says Eliott in small strange voice. "His stuff are probably still inside..."

  
"I´m gonna take them," says Arthur and he leaves with Yann, dissapears in the building. In the hell of building. 

  
Eliott looks at Lucas and looks at him and he cries a little more, because he´s here and he´s okay. He´s okay. He´s alive and he´s not hurt. And Eliott thanks all the higher powers who heard him and kept Lucas safe, and, most of them, the angels. Because he knows they taking care of him. Eliott knows they watching over Lucas. He knows that. 

Of course angels protect him. Of course. He´s one of them, right? Of course they protect him. Always. 

  
...

  
Once they are in Yann´s and Arthur´s and Lucas´ flat, Eliott, Yann and Arthur goes to the barthroom with Lucas. Idriss and Sofiane left before for the pills to the pharmacy. 

  
Lucas´ hold on Eliott´s hoodie doesn´t loosen for a bit. Now he´s sitting on the washing mashine where Eliott put him on and Arthur´s trying to wash the blood from his face with wet towel. Lucas stares at Eliott. 

  
"This shit sucks, he needs to wash whole body, look," says Yann when he´s watching them for a while and points to Lucas´ hair and t-shirt. "He has it in his hair and on the body here. I´m gonna prepare a bath," and then Yann lets the water pour to the bathtub, until it is almost full. 

  
"Lucas. Lucas, baby, you´re okay now, you´re safe, okay?" says Eliott softly and caresses his cheek. Lucas slowly removes his hands from Eliott´s hoodie, it looks painful. Then he covers his ears and presses his palms to them before he take them off and repeats it, again and again. 

  
"Lulu, what are you doing?" asks Arthur, frowning. 

  
Lucas nothing, he just stares at Eliott, hands reaching for him again. 

  
"Lucas? Baby?" Eliott says as he holds Lucas´ cold shaking bloody hands in his. Lucas shakes his head slightly, just a little. 

  
"Can´t..." he says, less than a whisper. 

  
"What?" 

  
"Can´t hear you," he says and Arthur and Yann freeze in spot. 

  
"What do you mean, Lulu?" asks Yann. Lucas doesn´t let his eyes off of Eliott´s face. "Lulu? Lucas?" Yann repeats and Lucas doesn´t move a bit. "What the fuck?!" 

  
"Holy shit..." Arthur whispers. "No, you know what, he just needs some rest and good sleep. He´s still in shock. We don´t know what happened there, it´s gonna be better in the morning."

  
Eliott doesn´t know what to think. He stares at Lucas´ face, holding his hands and he just wishes it all be over. He just wishes to go back to this morning, when he and Lucas were walking to school in cold dark early morning, hand in hand, laughing and kissing on every corner. He wants to go back there and tell Lucas he loves him. 

  
Now? 

  
How can he tell him that now, when Lucas apparantely won´t hear him. 

  
There´s like this whole mountain of things Eliott regrets and this one is probably the biggest of them. 

  
_Fuck_. 

  
He really hopes Arthur is right and it will be better in the morning. 

  
"Eliott? Hey!" Yann says and wakes him up from his own thoughts. "Will you take care of him? I mean, to make sure he´s clean from that...thing."

  
"Yeah, yeah, sure, I´ll do it," Eliott says and Yann and Arthur leave the bathroom, let them alone. 

  
"Lucas, love, I´m gonna take off your clothes, okay?" Eliott says, looking to Lucas´ eyes which focus on Eliott´s lips. Eliott tugs for the hem of Lucas´ t-shirt gently and then points to the bathtub. Lucas follows his gaze and slowly lifts his hands up, Eliott takes off his shirt and let it fall to the floor. He´s gonna throw it to garbage later, Lucas doesn´t need bloody t-shirt as a memory. 

  
Eliott takes off the rest of Lucas´ clothes. 

  
This is not how he imagine the first moment he would see Lucas completely naked. This is not how it should be. But also, Eliott can´t find inside his mind anything else than fear, care and love, as he helps Lucas to sit in the warm water. 

  
Lucas brings his knees to his chest and hugs it with his arms, then he looks at Eliott again. He will be like this, probably, thinks Eliott, until he hears him again. 

  
Eliott kneeling next to the bathtub and it reminds him the moment when they were in Eliott´s bathroom in the flat next door, Lucas asking him if he wants to Lucas wash his hair. 

  
"Lucas," he says, Lucas watching him. "I´m gonna wash your hair, okay?" he says and takes a bottle with shampoo. He knows which one is Lucas´ . Of course the watermelon one. 

  
Yann knocks at the bathroom and brings some clean clothes for Lucas. 

  
Eliott put his arm around Lucas´ neck and let him lie down, backwards, to wet his hair, then he wash it with shampoo. 

  
"Close your eyes, love, or you´re gonna have shampoo in them," says Eliott when Lucas watches him while he´s massaging his head with shampoo. Lucas nothing, so Eliott cleans his hand and put is on Lucas´ eyes to close them, which he does, then Eliott caresses his cheek and wash the blood drop from his eyelid. 

  
Eliott washes Lucas´ hair with clean water and then he wraps him in the towel, drying his hair with another, put on him those clean clothes what was really just grey sweatpants and blue hoodie. 

  
"Let´s go to bed, love," Eliott says and holds Lucas´ hand in his and leads him out of the bathroom. Yann was there on the couch, watching news, Arthur in the kitchen probably making some dinner. 

  
"Yann, could you please wait with Lucas for a minute?" Eliott says when Lucas is behind him. "I need to wash and change my clothes, then I´ll come back."

  
"Yeah, sure man, no problem," Yann says and stands up, follows them to Lucas´ room. 

  
Eliott wraps Lucas in a blankets, he curls into himself under the covers, watching Eliott with wide eyes. 

  
"I´m gonna change my clothes and be right back, okay?" he says, looking in his eyes and Lucas shakes his head a little with a frown. Eliott kisses his forehead and strokes his cheek. Then he stands up. 

  
"Eliott!" Lucas´ terrified voice stops him. 

  
"No, don´t worry, don´t worry love, I´ll be right back, I promise," Eliott kisses his hand and put it to Yann´s who sits on the bed. Then he walks out of the room. 

  
...

  
"Eliott, here, the sleeping pills," Sofiane says and hands him small bottle. 

  
"Thanks," says Eliott quietly.

  
"How´s Lucas? Is he feeling any better?" asks Idriss and Eliott takes a deep breath to answer but the words just get cought in his throat and then he totally breaks. 

  
"Eliott, Eliott, it will be okay," says Sofiane as he holds Eliott while he´s crying to his shoulder. Eliott just can´t hold it anymore, he´s exhausted, he´s emotionally and physically drained. 

  
"I thought I lost him," he sobs to his friend´s shoulder between one wave of tears and another. "And I love him," he whimpers. "I really really love him."

  
"Eliott, Lucas is alright, he´s gonna be okay," says Idriss standing next to them, stroking Eliott´s back. Eliott cries harder. 

  
"I was so scared," he says in a whisper. "I didn´t tell him."

  
"What you didn´t tell him?" asks Sofiane. 

  
"I didn´t tell him I love him," says Eliott and takes a shaky breath. "I thought I lost him without telling him," Eliott cries. 

  
"But you didn´t lose him, he´s alive and he´s safe now, okay? You can tell him," says Idriss and... yeah, okay, that´s true. But Eliott can´t shake off the imagine of the possibility that it all could end up completely differently. 

  
Eliott cries a little more, shaking in Sofiane´s arms, until he remembers Lucas in his bed, probably waiting for Eliott. 

  
"I have to go, I told Lucas I´ll be right there," he says and walks to the bathroom for a quick shower. When he sees himself in the mirror, he´s a little taken aback. Okay maybe more than a little. 

  
He looks so tired, dark circles under his red eyes, tears drying on his cheeks. Eliott splashes some cold water to his face. When he wants to pull his hoodie off, he notices the dried blood there, probably as he holds Lucas on his chest back there at the library. It´s a black hoodie, so the blood is not visible as much, but Eliott sees it. And he hates it. He takes the hoodie off and throws it to the bin. Then he takes off his jeans, wet and dirty from the ground he´s been kneeling on, and throws them away too. And also the rest of his clothes. He doesn´t want them anymore. 

  
...

  
When Eliott enters Lucas´ room, Yann´s still sitting there, holding his hand and Arthur is there too, runs his fingers through Lucas´ hair. 

Lucas doesn´t sleep. His eyes are wide open and Eliott sees how he´s tired, and he also sees the fear in the blue color. On Lucas´ table is glass of water and mug of hot tea. Eliott put the bottle with sleeping pills next to it and goes to the bed. Lucas doesn´t hear him, he notices him as Eliott stands right next to bed and he winces, then relaxes a little again. Eliott´s heart hurts with that sight. 

  
"Eliott," says Yann quietly, looking at him with worried eyes. "You okay, bro?" 

  
Eliott feels like he might cry again so he takes a deep breath and instead of answer he just shrugs. "I think Lucas is the priority here," he says eventually. 

  
"Yeah but, you´re important too, Eli, you matter just the same," says Arthur, Lucas watching his lips, then turns his blue gaze to Eliott again. He doesn´t understand a thing, does he?

  
Arthur and Yann stands up with kisses to Lucas´ hair and then Yann gestures to Eliott to come with them. Eliott looks at Lucas who watches him, waiting, looking like a scared puppy. 

  
"Eliott, just a second, here," Yann says at the door and Eliott goes to him. Yann whispers. "Lucas said it´s ringing."

  
"Ringing?" Eliott asks, confused. "What´s ringing?" 

  
"We asked him what he hears, well, not asked, I wrote that on the phone and give him to read it and he said it´s ringing. We asked him why, what happened and he said it´s the noise and something about _bang_ ," says Yann. 

  
"Bang?" 

  
"Yeah, I don´t know," Yann shrugs and shakes his head. "He´s shaken and probably still in shock."

  
"Hope you´ll manage to make him sleep," says Arthur, looking at Lucas with concern of loving parent. The best friends in the world. "And Eliott, please, wait with those pills until it will be really necessary. I would prefer not to have this shit anywhere near Lulu, if it´s possible."

  
"Yeah, I know, me neither," says Eliott, because he knows that, and he has to agree. He has his own experiences with sleeping pills and no good ones. 

  
Once boys are gone, Eliott goes to Lucas and lies down next to him, pulling him closer. Lucas´ hands immediately grab Eliott´s t-shirt into tight grip, just like he did outside. They´re facing each other, Lucas stares at him, Eliott brings his hands to his face, caressing his cheeks, his hair, his neck, over and over again, hoping it calms him and make him sleep, somehow. 

  
Lucas is tired. He´s tired, he´s blinking slowly and it seems like he´s figting with it. 

  
"Lucas," Eliott says and Lucas looks at his lips. "It´s okay, you´re safe now, you can sleep, you need to sleep, please," he says slowly in hope that Lucas will understand. He shakes his head. "Lucas, I´m here, I´ll be here all the time, I promise," Lucas shakes his head again. "You need to sleep for a little bit."

  
Eliott pulls Lucas closer and closer and then he wraps his arms around him and put his head to the place between his neck and shoulder, holding him and running fingers through his hair, slow and calming.

  
...

  
The night is the worst Eliott ever had. 

  
It´s worse than any of his nights while he was manic. It´s worse than his lonely depressed nights. It´s worse than anything he could imagine, because it´s not about him, but about Lucas. 

  
Eliott is exhausted. He´s so exhausted, so damn tired, he´s fighting with sleep to be there with Lucas. Because he wants to Lucas to know that he´s here and he protects him, always, and that he can sleep and Eliott will be watching over him so nothing bad can happen. 

  
But he´s so tired, Eliott is so tired and every time Lucas finally closes his eyes and looks like he might really fell asleep, Eliott closes his eyes too and he´s dozing until Lucas winces in his arms and screams "No! No!" and looking around the room with wide scared eyes until Eliott makes him sure that it´s okay. Eliott presses their foreheads together, Lucas´ hands on his chest, until Lucas´ breathing is back in normal and he´s willing to lie down again. 

  
When it happens for the fourth or fifth time - Eliott doesn´t fucking even know anymore - Eliott sits there on the bed with Lucas in his arms, swaying back and forth, when Yann enters the room. 

  
Eliott has to force himself let his eyes open, Lucas´ eyes are big and wide, looking at Yann. 

  
"Eliott, let me be here with him for a bit. You look like you´re gonna pass out any second," Yann says in soft voice. "You need to sleep."

  
"No, I can´t leave him, he would think I don´t want to be with him anymore," says Eliott because he knows Lucas. And he knows he would definitely think that and Eliott´s not giving him that chance. He´s not. 

  
"No, he will be okay, he will understand," says Yann, looking at Lucas who looks right back. Eliott just shakes his head. "It´s almost three in the morning, Eli."

  
"It´s not just because of him..." Eliott admits. "I need to be with him too, I thought... I thought I lost him today," his voice breaks. "I won´t leave him again," he adds in a whisper and kisses Lucas´ forehead. 

  
Yann sighs, looking at them for a minute and then he goes to the table and comes back with glass of water and half of the pill on his palm. 

  
"Lucas, here," he says, handing the glass to him. Lucas takes it. "Take this," says Yann. Lucas looks at him, hesitant. "Trust me," says Yann, looking in his eyes and Lucas finally takes it, swallows it and drinks whole glass of water. 

  
"It´s gonna be okay," says Yann and kisses Lucas´ forehead. "Eliott, it helps him, he needs it. Trust me. And you too. Get some sleep," and then he´s gone. 

  
Eliott lies down with Lucas, watching him, watching as his eyelids are heavier and heavier with every minute, until his eyes are closed and he finally sleeps. 

  
Eliott kisses his head and whispers to his hair "I love you, Lucas." and he would be stressing much more about the fact he finally said it, if he just wasn´t so drained. He closes his eyes and in a few seconds he´s sleeping too. 

  
...

  
LUCAS

  
FRIDAY

  
These days are like some kind of fairytale. 

  
It´s been a 20 days since Lucas step out of his biggest fear and let Eliott walk into his life like _that_ , like his... well, Lucas doesn´t know like what. But, probably, his boyfriend, no? Isn´t that what boyfriends do? Picking up each other from school, walking hand in hand, kissing, cuddling... sometimes something _more_ than that. 

  
Like that one sunday when they were watching Lord of the rings series. Lucas never saw it, and he was stunned. He fell in love with this story after few minutes of watching. And when it was over and he and Eliott was in Lucas´ room, he can´t stop talking about that while he was preparing his stuff for monday´s classes. 

Eliott was lying on his bed, hands under his head, watching him and smiling, smiling with this special glint in his eyes that which making Lucas need to hide and show more at the same time. 

  
"What?" he asked, suddenly a little shy. 

  
"Nothing," said Eliott softly. 

  
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Lucas said, eyes narrowed. 

  
"Like what?" 

  
"Like _that_ ," he waved a hand to his way. 

  
"What? I can´t looking at my boy anymore or what?" said Eliott, fake offended.

  
Lucas blushed and looked away. Suddenly there were arms around his middle and Lucas didn´t even noticed how but he was lying on top of Eliott in a second. On his chest. He felt Eliott´s heartbeat under him, noses just inch apart. Eliott´s eyes, more beautiful than anything he ever saw in his life. He forgot how to breathe. 

  
"I was watching you because I can´t help it, you´re just too gorgeous," said Eliott softly to the little space between them. Lucas blushed some more. Eliott kissed his cheek and then the other one and then his nose which Lucas crinckled with that gesture. 

  
"You´re one to talk," said Lucas and pressed his lips to Eliott´s. Eliott´s lips... that was totally different thing. Soft and pink and gentle and Lucas couldn´t been happier that Eliott was his first kiss, ever. 

  
Eliott flipped them over so he was above Lucas now, kissing his jaw and neck and Lucas felt shivers down his spine and goosebump on the back of his neck. 

  
"Baby," Eliott whispered to his lips and smiled into the kiss which followed. Lucas smiled too, because it felt so _good_. His hands found their way under Eliott´s t-shirt and really, Eliott´s body? Well, it was... it was truly masterpiece. Eliott pulled away and looked at him. He himself looked like art piece. Lips not pink but red now, cheeks pink, hair all mess, panting a little, same as Lucas. 

  
Then he smiled so beautifuly and kissed Lucas again, lips all warm and soft and gentle but demanding, somehow, and Lucas couldn´t get enough of it. Eliott licked his bottom lip and bit to it and Lucas sighed. "Eliott," he whispered and hugged him with his legs around his waist to bring him closer. 

  
Eliott tugged for the hem of Lucas´ t-shirt and pulled it up, his hand touching Lucas´ bare skin and it burned in the best way possible. 

  
And Lucas suddenly got scared. Because every time they did stuff like this til now, they didn´t do anything more than cuddling and kissing and touching, and it´s wonderful, truly. But what if they let it happen, something more, like, what if Eliott wants to do... _it_. What if he wants to have _sex_ , and Lucas, Lucas never did it before. Geez, he never _kissed_ a boy (or anyone, really) before Eliott. And he wasn´t confident enough to let this happen just like that, like it was no big deal, because, for him, it _is_ big deal. 

  
How he can know what to do? How to do it right? What if he will be bad at it and Eliott will leave him because of how bad he is. How ridiculous he is. What if he´ll make a fool of himself? What if Eliott see him full naked and won´t want him anymore? 

  
Lucas felt Eliott´s hand under his t-shirt on his lower back to slip a little behind the hem of his underwear and his breath got cought in his throat, hint of panic appeared in his stomach, where Eliott´s other hand caressed his skin, running up to his chest where Lucas´ heart beated like crazy.

  
_Fuck. What if he´ll notice? How do I explain to him?_

  
Knock at the door. "Lulu? Eli? Pizza is here, want some?" Yann´s voice behind the door, Eliott´s hand stopped on Lucas´ chest and they looked at each other for a moment. Eliott started shaking his head. 

  
"Yeah, thanks! Pepperoni please! Be right there!" called out Lucas and Eliott let his head fall to Lucas´ neck and he groaned. Lucas sighed with relief. _A little_. Yes he loved doing stuff like this with Eliott and exploring his body and everything, but, he also might be a coward. And not ready. 

  
Not ready _at all._

  
"No, Lucas, please..." Eliott mumbled to his skin when Lucas made a move to stand up. 

  
"What? I´m hungry," said Lucas and wanted to go, but Eliott held him there, pressing kisses to his face and neck and shoulder. 

  
"No, I won´t let you go," said Eliott and hugged him closer. 

  
"But I´m gonna die from hunger, I´m really suffering right now, you know?" said Lucas half serious, trying to get out of his embrace. 

  
"No, I´m gonna lock us here, together, forever. And throw the key from the window."

  
"Oh, really?" Lucas asked and Eliott humed to his collarbone. "But in that case I´m gonna start hating you, when you´ll become my kidnapper. You want that?" 

  
"No, you´re gonna love me with time, because I´ll be treating you so nicely and do everything you want," Eliott continued, lying on his side, facing Lucas and holding him around his waist. 

  
Lucas laughed. "Well, I want pizza now. So let me go." 

  
"No. No pizza for you!" 

  
"Is that right? So no kisses for you!" Lucas managed to escape and ran to the door. He heard Eliott gasped in shock behind him. 

  
"You can´t be serious," Eliott said and when Lucas just looked at him over his shoulder unimpressed, Eliott stood up and before Lucas could open the door, he was there, right in front of him, pressed him to the door. 

  
_Stupid long legs._

  
"I don´t believe you. Give me a kiss," said Eliott and leaned to him. Lucas turned his head to the side so Eliott´s lips touched his cheek. "Lucas," Eliott groaned. Lucas turned around and tried to open the damn door and hide his smile at the same time. "Babyyy!" Eliott whined and Lucas giggled. 

  
"No," he said, giggling. "And it´s only your fault. I´m hungry now, going for my pizza. We can discuss this later, if you´ll be nice," Lucas opened the door and walked out of the room. 

  
"I´m always nice," Eliott said grumpily, made Lucas giggle more. 

  
Lucas went to the living room, where boys were sitting, boxes of pizza around them and Lucas hurried to sit between Yann and Arthur on the couch, grinning at Eliott who sighed and sat next to Sofiane on the floor. 

  
He wasn´t really mad. Lucas saw the corner of his lips twisting up, even when he was trying to hide it. 

  
The truth is, Eliott makes Lucas so happy. So so damn _happy_. 

  
And Lucas....

  
Lucas really _loves_ Eliott. 

  
He never felt anything like this to anyone in his life. This amount of love he has for only one person, and that´s his mom. But _this_? This feeling? It´s something else, it´s completely different than love he has for his mother. This is totally different kind of love. 

  
And Lucas is looking at Eliott, he´s watching him doing basic stuff like walking from living room to kitchen or drinking coffee or rubbing the back of his neck or stretching, or eating the damn pizza, and he feels like... he feels like he was waiting for exactly _this_ his whole life.

And suddenly, everthing makes _sense_. 

  
The way his father treated him as a kid. The fact that he never had a true friends, not really, just classmates who liked him because he was fun to be around, but with first bad day they turned their back to him.   
The way he was suffering at high school with all the bullying, hits and derision.   
Every time he´s visiting his mom and she doesn´t remember his name. 

  
Everything make sense now. 

  
He was meant to be _here_. Here, _with Eliott_. Because being with Eliott feels so _right_. Because being with Eliott is _healing_. And Lucas physically _feels_ his body and soul healing with every minute in Eliott´s presence. 

  
Lucas truly loves him. But when he wants to tell him, big lump sits in his throat and Lucas just... can´t. It´s because somewhere deep inside him, he´s scared. He´s still scared.   
It´s ridiculous. Eliott never makes him feel anything but good - at least since they were together - and still, a little dark fear sits in his stomach and wakes up every time Lucas has a beautiful moment with Eliott. 

  
It´s fear that Eliott will leave. Like everyone else. 

  
It´s so stupid, really. He knows. Yann is here. Arthur is here. They love him, Lucas can see that, and Lucas love them right back as much, if not more. 

Idriss and Sofiane, they are here too, always so kind and happy when they see him. They are still here. 

  
_Eliott_. He owns the biggest part of his heart, if not whole, and still... Lucas can´t find the way to tell him such a thing. 

  
And he wants. Oh, how much he _wants_. 

  
...

  
And then, friday comes. 

  
Friday and also whole 20 days with Eliott. 20 wonderful days. 

  
When Lucas sees Eliott stands there, all sleepy and cuddly and soft, so soft, in the early morning just to walk him to school, he thinks _oh my god, I love you so much, you have no idea, do you?_

  
When they walking together, hand in hand and in the others travel mugs with hot liquids, Lucas thinks, _you mean so much to me and I don´t know how to handle that._

  
When Eliott stops and gives Lucas his rainbow flag pin and the other one, black guitar pin, Lucas starts tearing up and thinks, _I love you, you sweet sweet dummy, I love you more than anything._

  
Lucas thinks about Eliott all day. He thinks about his sparkly eyes and how they make Lucas feel, like he would be in universe, watching perseids.   
He thinks about his lips, about the feeling when they press to his own. About them pouting, about the soft smile or wide grin. About how they move when Eliott talking, about how they move and touching his ear, when Eliott whispering sweet words to him.   
He thinks about his hair, softer than silk. The tickling when Eliott presses his forehead to Lucas´ temple or neck.   
He thinks about Eliott´s scent, the smell of caramel puding and... something else. Something Lucas doesn´t know how to call it, but it feels like _safety_.   
He thinks about the touches, about Eliott´s hand in his, about Eliott´s hugs (the safest place in the world), about everything everything _everything_. 

  
Lucas goes to the library with the thoughts of Eliott´s kisses from this morning and he really considering that he´s gonna text Eliott to come, even when he really has things which need to be done and he doesn´t need any distractions, which Eliott definitely is. 

  
But no. He´ll see him in an hour. He´ll see him and he´s gonna tell him, _finally_. On their way home. He´s gonna tell him, because he misses him and he loves him. Lucas loves him. And he´s not scared anymore. 

  
"Hey, Lucas, you´re here!" Melanie says when Lucas finishes his third assignment. He heads up and smiles at her. Really, Melanie is the nicest person from all his classes. She´s his partner in psychology and she´s always so funny and smiley and so smart, she´s so smart, really. They´re talking about everything and Lucas even helped her get together with her girlfriend, Frankie, who´s standing next to her now and holding her hand. 

  
"Hi, Mel, hi Frankie, what´s up?" he says and opens his history book. 

  
"The lgbt group session just started, wanna join us today?" asks Frankie and her short black hair fall to her forehead. 

  
"Ahh, yeah, sure, I´ll be there in ten minutes, okay?" Lucas says and girls leave with smiles on their faces. Lucas watches them and thinks about Eliott. In that moment text from Eliott pops on his phone screen. 

  
**Eliott (18:32)**  
 _miss u_ ♥

  
Lucas smiles and types a reply. 

  
**Lucas (18:33)**   
_Stop distracting me, I need to study._

  
Actually he finished it already. But he also likes mocking Eliott a little. 

  
**Eliott (18:34)**   
_can´t a person just missing his baby in peace or what._   
_can i go to pick you up finally?_

  
Lucas smiles so wide an he´s not even a little ashamed of it. He really loves Eliott. And he wants to see him. Now. But he also promised Melanie to be there, and Melanie is his best girl friend he ever had. 

  
**Lucas (18:36)**   
_Actually I think I might stay here for a little._   
_Melanie is here and there´s the lgbt meeting like she said last week._   
_It already started._   
_I go to join them for a bit._

  
Lucas packs his stuff to the backpack and goes to the group session. 

  
There´s ten people, some of them sitting random on the chairs, some of them on the floor. Lucas goes to Melanie and sits next to her on the floor. 

  
"I´m glad you´re here," says Melanie and Lucas smiles at her. "Mostly because Frankie is so boring," she says with loud whisper for her girlfriend to hear. 

  
"Hey now!" Frankie says and playfully slaps Melanie´s thigh. Lucas laughs with Melanie and rests his forehead on Melanie´s shoulder, then he just turns his head and let it there, it´s nice, Melanie is same height like him. 

  
Lucas pulls out his phone to see unanswered message from Eliott. 

  
**Eliott (18:38)**  
 _whattt? without me???_ :(

  
He starts typing the reply when the loud bang echoes the whole place and something wet splashes across Lucas´ face. He hears yelling and screaming and when he looks at Melanie, she´s bleeding from the wound on her shoulder, the shoulder he was lying on seconds ago. 

  
Lucas looks around and sees this boy with gun. It´s the... Is it the boy from coffee shop? He´s shooting at running people, Lucas´ ears hurts. He starts panicking. _Oh no, no no no, not now, not another panic attack, not now, now is not a good time. He´s gonna die._

  
He looks at Melanie, she´s staring at her bleeding shoulder, she´s pale and silent tears falling down her cheeks. Lucas stands up, grabs her around her waist and pulls her away behind the nearest bookshelf. 

  
"Melanie, hold on, hold on," he whispers and both of them wince with the shooting sound. Lucas looks to his left when he sees some moving there and there´s Frankie with one boy Lucas doesn´t recognize. They´re on the other side of the alley behind another bookshelf. Frankie gestures to her phone "Police, police," she repeats and she´s shaking, Lucas sees it from afar. Melanie´s shaking too. 

  
"Mel, Mel, breathe, it´s gonna be okay, police will be here in a minute," Lucas whispers and his own breathing speeds up. He takes off his hoodie and presses it to the wound on Melanie´s shoulder. He doesn´t know what the fuck he should do. How can he stop the bleeding from the place between neck and shoulder? He can´t think, _he can´t fucking think._

  
Lucas feels something sticky on his face but he doesn´t care right now. He cares about Melanie, he cares about keep her alive until police arrive.   
And he can´t breathe. 

  
They hear the shooter yelling on the other side of the room, yelling and shooting and Lucas shuts his eyes tightly, holding Melanie, pressing the hoodie to the wound and he prays. And he thanks the heaven that Eliott is not here with him, that Eliott is safe. 

...

  
Someone enters the door and both him and Melanie startle, but then they see there are paramedics. They come to them. 

  
"Who´s injured?" 

  
"Please, take her out of here," says Lucas and they thank-god take Melanie and leave. 

  
"Police´s working on it, come one, let´s go," one of them says and Frankie and that boy run to the door and follow them out. 

  
Lucas stands up to go too when he realizes how quiet is it here, suddenly. 

  
He takes a one step when something pressed to his teple. Lucas freezes on spot and his breath completely stops. 

  
Lucas´ mind is blank. 

  
"I know you, right?" the cold voice says and Lucas slowly turns to the side just to see the gun between his eyes and the coffee boy´s face behind it. Lucas stares, boy comes closer. He looks out of his damn mind. 

  
_Oh god oh god oh god_

  
"That´s what you deserve, fag," says and he looks totally insane. Pupils dark and wide, hand with gun steady and he´s wierdly calm. It scares the hell out of Lucas. He stands, freeze on spot, his body shakes as he´s staring to the boy´s eyes. 

  
"Freeze!" someone calls behind Lucas´ back and the boy´s eyes snap there. "Drop your weapon!"

  
Then something happens. The boy takes the gun out of Lucas´ forehead, turns it against the person behind him and pulls the trigger right next to Lucas´ ear. 

  
The loud bang rings through Lucas´ head, he shuts his eyes, presses his hands to his ears and falls on the floor. 

  
_Ringing_. Ringing ringing ringing. That´s all Lucas hears. He opens his eyes and sees the boy on his stomach, police man kneeling on his body, holding his neck, other police man putting handcuffs to the boy´s wrists behind his back. 

  
Lucas pulls his hands away from his ears. He doesn´t hear anything else than the loud ringing. He can´t fucking breathe, he needs to get out of here, _now_. 

  
Lucas stands up, his legs feels like they aren´t even his. He doesn´t feel anything, just the throbbing in his head which comes with the ringing. Lucas starts running. He can´t breathe. 

  
He runs through the door and there´s blue light everywhere and people and Lucas doesn´t hear them. But then

  
then he sees him. 

  
_Eliott_. 

  
He sees him, he´s there and he´s _safety_ , he´s safety, Lucas needs that safety. He runs to him until he falls and Eliott catches him. He always catches him, right? He´s his hero. 

  
Eliott is here and Lucas holds him, he holds him and then there are hands in his hair and on his face and body and then there´s Yann, holding Lucas´ hand on his chest and talking to him, he´s saying something but Lucas doesn´t fucking hear a thing. He´s staring at his lips but he doesn´t get it, he doesn´t get it. But he feels Yann´s heartbeat under his palm, he feels his steady breathing and his body automatically copying it. 

  
Lucas looks at Eliott. He needs to see his face, because his face is safety. He´s crying. _Why are you crying, my love?_ he wants to asks but his lips don´t move a bit. 

  
There´s this woman, talking to Lucas, there´s light in his eyes, there are Eliott´s arms, holding him. There´s Eliott, safety. 

  
...

  
Home. They´re home. 

  
Bathroom. Arthur cleaning his face. _What´s on his face? Why he´s frowning so much?_

  
Lucas can´t stop staring at Eliott´s face. He´s _here_ , he´s _here_ , it´s _okay_ , it´s _over_. 

  
Eliott´s talking to him, Lucas hears just the ringing. He shakes his head and presses his hands to his ears. Then pulls away, then presses again, but no change, nothing changes, ringing ringing _ringing_. His head hurts. His body feels like he died month ago. 

  
"I can´t hear you," he wants to say but he doesn´t feel his lips. Did he say it or not? But according to Eliott´s face, he did. 

  
He wants to tell him everything, he wants to tell Eliott he loves him and he´s happy Eliott is safe and that he´s happy Eliott wasn´t there in that hell and that he´s okay. But no words coming to his mouth, so he´s quiet. 

  
The warm water bath should be calming, but it´s Eliott´s face what bringing him peace. It´s Eliott´s face. His gentle hands washing Lucas´ body and Lucas´ looking at him. He´s so beautiful... How can be Lucas so lucky? 

  
Eliott covers him with blankets but, _wait, Eliott, where are you going?_

  
"Eliott!" Lucas says but he doesn´t hear his voice. Eliott is there and then he´s gone and Yann in there instead. And Lucas loves Yann, really, Yann is his best friend, but where is Eliott? _He needs Eliott._

  
Yann says something, holding his hand, stroking his skin gently and then there´s Arthur with mug of something hot, kneeling next to his bed and running his fingers through Lucas´ hair. He says something too and Lucas frowns, because he doesn´t hear a shit. 

  
What if he´ll be deaf since now? What if he´ll never hear Eliott´s voice, Eliott´s laugh? What if he´ll never hear Arthur and Yann calling him _Lulu_ , or Idriss and Sofiane calling at him when they see him in the door... What if he´ll never hear his mom again. His mom needs him, he needs to be there for her.   
What if he´ll never hear his own voice telling Eliott _I love you_ or Eliott´s voice telling it right back to him?

  
Lucas must be in shock, because he doesn´t cry. He´s a crybaby, of course he would cry in situation like _this_. But he doesn´t. He feels almost numb. 

  
There´s a light in his face, phone screen. He squints his eyes and looks at it. 

  
**_Lulu, do you hear anything?_** on Yann´s phone screen. Lucas looks at him and Yann takes the phone away. 

  
"It´s ringing," says Lucas. He hopes he said it. He hopes they hear him. 

  
Yann and Arthur frown at each other and then Yann types again and shows that to Lucas. 

  
_**Why it´s ringing? What happened?** _

  
And Lucas wants to tell them but he... he can´t remember. Not fully. Flashes of memories running through his mind. 

  
"There was the noise... loud..." Lucas says and thinks about the panic, the yelling, screaming. "And... the bang. Here," he points to his ear. 

  
Oh yeah, there was the boy. The boy who´s making his green tea every tuesday and thursday. He had a gun and he was shooting. But... _why_?   
How Lucas managed to _survive_?   
_What about Melanie?_

  
The movement next to the bed startles Lucas. But it´s okay, it´s Eliott. _Eliott is here._

  
And then he´s talking to Arthur and Yann and then he´s finally here, with Lucas, holding him. And Lucas holds his t-shirt and he smells the caramel scent. _It´s Eliott._

  
He´s saying something.   
Lucas thinks he recognizes the words "okay" and "safe" and "sleep" but he doesn´t want to sleep. He´s scared that when he closes his eyes, he´ll see it again. 

  
Lucas shakes his head. And again. And Eliott pulls him to his chest and Lucas tries so hard not to sleep, but he´s so weak. He´s so weak and tired. And he falls asleep. 

  
It´s exactly what he thinks. He sees it all again. He hears the shooting, sees the gun between his eyes, than the bang echoes his ears and ringing. Nothing than ringing. 

  
And he wakes up, every time, and he´s scared. He´s scared until he realizes that there´s his room and no library, that there´s Eliott and no shooter. 

  
And then, he hears something else. He hears mumbling. It´s dark in his room and Eliott´s holding him and Lucas feels like he´s under water and someone´s talking. 

  
There´s Yann, talking to him, handing him water and some pill. And he´s mumbling. Why he´s mumbling? Lucas doesn´t understand. But it´s nice to hear something else than the awful ringing, it´s really nice. 

  
So Lucas takes it, he takes the pill, because his head hurts so much. 

  
He takes it and drinks the water. He takes it and then Yann in gone and there´s Eliott´s face, soft and safe, right in front of him, Eliott´s hand on his face, warm. And Lucas feels heavy. 

  
Then he sleeps. Ringing is gone. Library is gone. Pain is gone. There´s Lucas and there´s galaxy eyes, soft and safe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since now, nothing bad will happen, I promise. We survived.You survived. Congratulations. Prepare for all the fluff and love what´s about to come.  
> And I´m sorry if I was too harsh or brutal.  
> Let me know what you think. 
> 
> You can yell at me on my tumblr: briallenko


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you."
> 
> "I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sweeties.  
> So sorry for long wait. Or, I don´t know, I don´t remember when was the last time I posted. Thursday? 
> 
> also  
> There´s this one girl who texted me on tumblr. She created cover for this story. COVER for MY story. Look, I´m very emotional person and I´m also crybaby, but let me say, that I read that ask of her on tumblr where she said that and I stopped breathing. My sister sat on my bed with me and she stared at me like i´m the biggest idiot. And maybe i AM, but holy shit! I read that ask and then I clicked on her profile to see that art and i started crying. I cried like never, seriously. Because, that´s me who always paint fanart for my favourite elu fic authors, i always paint that for them. My art ig? All those pieces are fanart for some elu fic I read.  
> And now this cutie came and did something like that for me? ME? I´m sorry? Did I die? Am in heaven?  
> Most likely. 
> 
> So, her tumblr is @looost-in-space and her ig is @lmaonxra, go check her out because she has sooo many gorgeous pics there, seriously, how can be someone so talented? Unbelievable. ♥

...

SATURDAY

  
When Eliott wakes up at saturday, it´s already bright day behind the widnow. 

  
But before he opens his eyes, he´s thinking about the night he has behind and he´s not sure if he´s ready to face it just yet. To face the reality. To admit that all of it really happened, that it was really like that, awful like _that_ , scary like _that_.   
He lays in the bed under covers and tries to brace himself to be strong enough. For Lucas. Becase that´s what he needs right now. He needs Eliott to be strong for him. 

  
Yeah, Eliott can do that, of course he can. Lucas is _everything_ to him. He can do that, he _wants_ to do that. Be here for him, support him, help him and hold him. Yes, he can do that. He just doesn´t know where to find the strenght, the inner power to hold on and stand still and straight and be calm and be alright - because one of them has to. Be alright. 

  
And he´s scared, because he has no clue with what Lucas will wake up this morning. Will he hear him? Will it be worse? Will he cry or be all smiley like he used to be? Will he be in shock, still? What if his ears are not okay and what if they´ll never be.   
_Fuck_. 

  
Eliott opens his eyes. 

  
Daylight´s falling on Lucas´ sleeping face and he looks.... well... beautiful, like always, but also so small and vulnerable and... _out_. He looks like he´s not even there. He looked like that yesterday evening when Eliott was holding him on the ground in front of the library, and, okay, he was in shock, but now? He looks like that in his sleep and it scares the hell out of Eliott. 

  
Lucas still holding Eliott´s t-shirt in his tight grip with both hands. It looks almost painful. He´s holding him like that since he fell asleep at 3am, after Yann made him take the pill. Eliott doesn´t know what time is it now, but he would say 10am at least. 

  
He reaches his hand, which is heavy and it hurts, his muscles hurt as he held Lucas in his arms almost all night. But it´s good pain. It´s good, because he held Lucas. The most important thing in his life. It´s okay.   
Eliott reaches his hand and strokes Lucas´ cheek, runs his fingers through Lucas´ hair, his soft soft watermelon hair and Lucas doesn´t make any signs that he´s feeling it. He sleeps so heavily, so deeply. It has to be probably the pill he had at night. Because normally when Eliott sleeps in bed with Lucas over night, Lucas is able to wake up with the slightest touch or sound. 

  
Not now. 

  
Eliott leans closer to him and kisses his forehead. Then he caresses his cheek and gets up from the bed. 

  
Eliott doesn´t want for Lucas to wake up alone, but he really needs to pee and he really needs to talk to Yann or Arthur. And when he´s watching Lucas´ face, he probably will sleep some more, so Eliott has time to go back to him. 

  
...

  
"You look like a zombie, Eli," says Arthur instead of any other greeting, when Eliott enters the kitchen. 

  
"Good morning to you too, Art," says Eliott, yawns and goes to sit at the table. 

  
"Hey, bud, how was the night?" asks Yann, putting the mug with coffee in front of Eliott on the table. "I mean, the rest of it." 

  
"Thank you," Eliott says and sips the coffee. "After he took the pill he fell asleep fast enough and since then he didn´t wake up, not even once, and now he´s still sleeping." 

  
"Good, he needs it," says Yann. "I can´t imagine what he had to go through..." Yann shakes his head sadly. "It´s terrible. I thought he already had enough shit in his life, you know? But apparantely not." 

  
Eliott feels the tears in his eyes. He coughs. "Um, boys?" he says a little hesitantly and both Arthur and Yann looks at him. "Uh... I just wanted to ask... because you" - he looks at Yann - "looked like you know what you´re doing yesterday when Lucas had... panic attack?" Yann nods. "So I just wanted to ask if that... happened before?" 

  
"Like if he had a panic attack before with us? Since he lives here?" Yann asks and Eliott nods. "Oh, yeah, he had a few, right, Arthur?"

  
"Yeah that´s right. He had one after that scretch on his back happened, but it was just small one," Arthur says and thinks. "He had one also when he came home beaten up, right?" 

  
"Yes, true..." Yann says. "But that´s really understandable."

  
"Why are you asking?" asks Arthur, nothing else than pure curiosity in his voice. 

  
"N-no reason just, you were so calm last night, I didn´t know what to do," Eliott shrugs. 

  
"You´re good, Eli," say Yann and caresses his back. "Don´t worry." 

  
"It´s gonna be okay," Arthur smiles. "Lucas´ gonna be okay, too." 

  
"Should I take him to the doctor with his ears?" asks Eliott. 

  
"I think we should wait until he´ll wake up and we will know if that changed or not, okay?" says Arthur and looks at both Yann and Eliott, who both nod. "I have this theory, about what he said yesterday night, you know..." 

  
"What theory? What he said?" asks Eliott. 

  
"He said it was a bang and points to his ear. There was a bang in his ear, you know?" Arthur says and Yann nods. 

  
"I don´t know what that means."

  
"The bang. There was shooter with a fucking gun, so the bang could be just... shot," Arthur says and takes a deep breath. He looks like he needs to calm himself and honestly? Eliott can relate.   
_Yeah, calm down,_ because he feels like he´s about to start screaming any second. 

  
"So, the motherfucker just shooted from the gun right next to Lucas´ ear?" says Yann and Eliott shakes with that imagine. 

  
Arthur shrugs. "That, or Lucas is in shock and that´s how his body protects him, you know? Like... Some people having blackout after horrible experiences. Some people are so in shock they stop speaking, like totally. Lucas was talking to us yesterday, no? And he said what happened - well, kind of - so these are not his case. He might saw or heard or felt something really terrible and his body just... doesn´t accept any sound now, to be in peace, and maybe it will continue, for some time." 

  
There´s silence in the kitchen. 

  
"But I don´t know guys, I know shit about it, seriously, I´m not a fucking doctor. This is just what I was thinking about and what had a little bit of logic, you know?" 

  
Yann hums. 

  
Eliott stares to his mug. 

  
Lucas´ door opens and there´s Lucas, standing there all wrinkled in his sweatpants and blue hoodie, rubbing his still half-closed eyes with back of his hand. He looks like he´s gonna fall on the floor any second. 

  
"Eliott?" he says and looks around until he sees the boys in the kitchen. 

  
"I´m here baby," says Eliott, watching him. He feels his legs shaking under the table. Thankfully Arthur goes to Lucas. 

  
"Hi Lulu, how do you feeling?" he asks and hugs him. Lucas leans to him, like he´s resting his whole weight on Arthur´s arms. Then he looks at him, then at Yann and Eliott and takes a step to them. 

  
"My body hurts," Lucas says in small voice. "My head feels dizzy. Why it feels dizzy?" Arthur leads him to them and let him sit on the chair at the table. Yann put a mug with tea in front of him and Lucas put his head to his hands, closes his eyes. 

  
"Lulu, what about your hearing? Is that better?" Yann asks and all of them watching Lucas´ face. 

  
Lucas nothing. 

  
"Hey, Lulu? You hear me?" Yann asks again. 

  
Lucas nothing. Then he opens his eyes and looks at Eliott. He´s reaching his hand and grips Eliott´s t-shirt. Eliott puts his hand over Lucas´ and holds it. 

  
Then he pulls out his phone and starts typing. 

  
**_Still ringing?_ **

  
Lucas reads it and says. "Yes. Less than before."

  
Eliott types again. **_Anything else?_**

  
Lucas reads it again and takes a deep breath. "Mumbling," he says. 

  
"Mumbling?" Arthur frowns. "What mumbling?" 

  
**_What do you mean?_** Eliott types. 

  
Lucas shakes his head. He thinks for a little, then shakes his head again. He´s leaning to Eliott, holding his shirt like he needs to ground himself. Watching his face. 

  
Eliott types again. **_Do you remember how that happened?_**

  
Lucas stares at him. 

  
**_When you stopped hearing things_** , Eliott adds. 

  
Lucas frowns and they´re all silent for a while. 

  
"T-the boy was..." Lucas starts, voice shaky. "The boy who was making my tea at the coffee shop," and Eliott knows, he saw him yesterday night. He knows he was the attacker. And he still can´t really understand. "H-he had a gun a-and shot next to my ear-" Lucas stops talking because he starts crying. He cries maybe because he didn´t yesterday. He cries because maybe the shock fades away and he just now realizes things, realizes what happened, realizes the cruel reality.   
He cries and his body shakes. 

  
"Come here baby," says Eliott and tugs for Lucas´ hand. Lucas frowns, looking at his mouth, blinking through the tears. "Come here," Eliott repeats slowly and gestures for Lucas to come closer with tugging for his hand. 

Lucas slowly stands up, like he has no power left in his body, takes the step and a half to Eliott, who holds him around his waist and pulls him closer to sit on his lap. Lucas sits there then, put his head on Eliott´s shoulder, forehead pressed to Eliott´s neck. Eliott hugs him with one arm and put his other hand on his face, stroking his skin softly, brushing away the tears. Lucas shakes in his arms. 

  
"My head feels so heavy," says Lucas quietly, Eliott feels his eyelashes tickling the skin on his neck with every blink. 

  
"It´s gonna be okay, love" says Eliott, kissing Lucas´ head. "I promise," he says, even when Lucas probably doesn´t hear him. 

  
...

  
They sit in the living room on the couch, because Lucas didn´t want to go back to bed, he wanted to be with boys and Eliott. So they´re sitting here, in the living room, Sofiane and Idriss came to them with grilled chicken and big amount of fries. 

  
Lucas didn´t eat. He´s dozing curled to Eliott who´s holding him on his lap like a baby and covers him with soft blanket. Eliott´s running his fingers through Lucas´ hair gently, boys watching the tv if there´s any news about yesterday´s events. But there´s just short information about psychopatic shooters at schools and nothing else. 

  
_Right, just hide it under the carpet, right? Like nothing happened._

  
"Guys, that´s bullshit. Listen what I found this morning on internet," says Idriss and looks at sleeping Lucas. He speaks in quieter voice. "This portal wrote about that yesterday´s shooting. There were like eleven or twelve people in that lgbt group. Three of them died right there," Eliott´s breath catches in his throat and he squeezes Lucas tighter to him, caresses his cheek. Lucas sighs and his breath tickles Eliott´s neck. "Another four people are still in hospital, fighting for their lives," Idriss continues. "And four survived without injury. Lucas between them." 

  
The all look at Lucas. 

  
"I still can´t believe it was the boy who was making our coffee every thursday," says Sofiane. "He was so nice, so kind. And funny, I talk to him once when I was there on wednesday and he was really cool dude... and look what he did... I don´t get it." 

  
"Yeah, me neither man, like, who you can trust now, huh?" says Yann and shakes his head. 

  
"They wrote about it too, the attacker was under the influence of drugs, apparantely," says Idriss. 

  
"Well, fuck," says Arthur. "No weed from me, not anymore." 

  
"That wasn´t weed..." says Idriss. "But yeah, I get you."

  
Eliott looks at Lucas who´s now blinking slowly, watching the boys. Eliott kisses his hair and caresses his cheek. _It´s gonna be okay._ Everything will be okay, he´s sure of it. 

  
...

  
They´re sitting like that almost all day. All of them together, talking, playing games, watching Brooklyn 99, which is in english and they still have subtitles, so Lucas can watch that with them too. Not that he´s really watching. He´s stitting there on the couch between Eliott and Arthur, back leaning to Eliott´s chest and legs across Arthur´s lap and he´s playing with Eliott´s fingers. 

  
Eliott told him before (through text) that they can go to bedroom so he can take some rest, but Lucas didn´t want to and Eliott respected that. He wants to be with his friends and that´s okay, and that´s what they´re doing, all of them, they are with him, with Lucas, because they all love him and they all are happy that he´s okay without any serious injury so he doesn´t have to be in hospital. _Thank god._

  
Eliott told Lucas he can take him to the doctor, but Lucas doesn´t want that either. 

  
So, they are here, in the living room, watching this serie and it´s fine, it feels good. It feels almost normal. Lucas takes off his legs from Arthur´s lap and straighten himself, then stands up. 

  
Eliott catches his hand. "Where are you going? Everything okay?" he says when Lucas looks at him. 

  
"I´m going to the bathroom," says Lucas and takes a few unsteady steps before he reaches the wall and put a hand on it. Eliott doesn´t like it. Lucas is dizzy. It´s from the sleeping pill, he´s sure about it. 

  
"We shouldn´t give that to him," he says. 

  
"Hm?" Yann and Arthur turns to him. "What?"

  
"The sleeping pill. We shouldn´t have done that, he´s confused and dizzy. And it´s already more than twelve hours," Eliott frowns. He´s worried. 

  
"Yeah but he wouldn´t sleep at all, if he didn´t take it. And neither would you," says Yann. "He needs sleep to be better soon."

  
"Hm... you probably right. But I don´t like that either. He´s walking like he doesn´t even know what his name is," says Arthur. And Eliott freakes out a little. Because he remembers what Lucas once told him, that he´s afraid one day he wouldn´t remember his own name. 

  
_Oh shit._

  
No but this is not that case, right? He´s just tired and he experienced a really painful thing, he has right to feel a little off. But fuck, Eliott is worried. 

  
"Eliott," says Lucas´ and boys look at him.

  
"Yes, love, what´s going on?" says Eliott slowly when Lucas´ watching his lips. 

  
"I don´t feel good, I´m going to bed," Lucas says and he´s standing there in those sweatpants and blue hoodie and he looks so small and sleepy, and so cuddly, that Eliott just wants to cry. 

  
"Okay," says Eliott and smiles at him, and he is not sure if Lucas wants Eliott to go with him or not, so he´s frozen in this wierd pose, half sitting, half ready to stand up and follow him. 

  
Lucas stands there for a little while, looking around, then he says "Would you mind to go with me?" softly. He says it like he´s ashamed of asking such a thing and nope, Eliott doesn´t have that. He smiles, wide and relieved and stands up. 

  
"Of course, I´m coming with you," he says and follows Lucas to his bedroom. 

  
...

  
They´re lying on their sides facing each other, looking at each other. Lucas slept half the day, but he looks tired now, really tired. So Eliott hopes he´ll be able to sleep some more. 

  
"You can sleep, baby," says Eliott and repeats it when Lucas looks at him. Lucas shakes his head. 

  
"I don´t want to sleep, I want to be with you," says Lucas, reaches his hand and put it on Eliott´s cheek. 

  
"I´m not going anywhere, I´m here," Eliott says but Lucas probably doesn´t get it. Eliott takes his hand and put it on Lucas´. He pulls out his phone and types.

  
**_Still mumbling?_ **

  
Lucas sighs and nods. "But the ringing is almost gone," he says then and a little little smile appears in the corner of his lips. 

  
"Really?" Eliott smiles. That´s great news! It´s gonna be okay. It´s gonna be good. 

  
**_What that mumbling means?_ **

  
Lucas looks at Eliott and says "Say something." 

  
Eliott frowns with confusion and then he says, "Hey, love, so... there´s a thing I want to tell you, so much, but I´m still waiting because I want you to hear it, actually really hear it, and I was so scared yesterday night I won´t have a chance to tell you anymore, but you´re here, you´re alive and I have a chance, so please, _please_ , just, let your ears be okay again, soon, because I can´t wait anymore, I can´t wait." 

  
Lucas´ frowning at him with worry and Eliott didn´t even realized he said so much, he just couldn´t stop it. And now he has teary eyes and Lucas holds his hand in his and kisses the back of it. 

  
"You´re okay?" he asks and shifts a little closer. 

  
Eliott takes a deep breath, smiles at him and nods. "Yeah, I´m good, don´t worry." 

  
Lucas´ watching him for a little longer. "It´s like I´m underwater and someone´s talking above me," he says and sighs. "Like I´m listening with glass pressed to the door and my ear, listening someone who´s talking behind the closed door."

  
Eliott doesn´t say anything to it, he just reaches his hand and touches Lucas´ face, his eyebrows, his nose, his forehead and cheeks, his chin and lips, he runs his fingers through his hair and let his thumb caress Lucas´ ear. Lucas´ watching him, probably because he thinks Eliott will speak again. 

  
And Eliott

  
Eliott gets an idea.

  
He takes Lucas´ hand from his face and put it to the front of his neck, on his adam apple. Lucas looks at him, apparantely confused. Eliott smiles and takes a deep breath. 

  
"Lucas," he says and Lucas´ eyes widen. "Is that any beter like this?" Lucas stares at him and swallows. "Do you understand what I´m saying?" Eliott talks slowly and he´s trying to also better articulate. Lucas nods and smiles. And it´s like the first smile since friday morning (is that possible that it was only yesterday?) and it´s the best feeling in this world. 

  
"Lucas," Eliott says and Lucas looks at his lips again. "It will be okay, I promise." Eliott´s trying to talk with his eyes, he´s looking at Lucas and he feels like all those emotions he feels in his heart are reflected in his eyes. And Lucas probably sees it too, because his own eyes start tearing up. 

  
"Eliott," he says as a whisper. "I was so happy you were not there," Eliott frowns. 

  
"Where?"

  
"In...in the library," Lucas says and Eliott freezes. "I was glad you weren´t there, I was glad you were safe, you know," Lucas holds Eliott´s other hand in his. "I felt like I was in hell." 

  
Eliott squeezes his hand and leans to kiss him on the forehead. 

  
"Do you wanna talk about it? About what happened there?" Eliott asks and Lucas thinks. Honestly, Eliott is scared to hear that. In his imagination he made up so many horrible scenarios that his heart racing when he thinks about it.   
But he also wanna know everything from Lucas. He wants to know how he feels, how he felt, what he was doing and all of that. And he really wishes he was there with him, even when Lucas is happy it wasn´t that case. 

  
He´s angel. And he has heart from gold. And Eliott loves him. 

  
"Not now," says Lucas eventually. "Now I want to kiss you," and presses their lips together. 

  
_And Eliott loves him._

  
It´s relief. It´s the biggest relief. Not bigger than when Eliott saw Lucas yesterday and found out he´s okay, alive and safe, but this is like... Like Eliott can finally _breathe_. Eliott feels Lucas´ lips, he feels the familiar taste of sweet pinkness and he thinks, _I´m home._

  
Eliott loves him.

  
He relaxes under Lucas´ touch, feeling of Lucas´ hand on his cheek and in his hair and Eliott cups Lucas´ face in his hands and kisses him deeper. Lucas pulls him closer and closer even when there´s no space between their bodies, anymore. 

  
This is okay, this is good, this is great, this is amazing.   
Because this is _love language_. They don´t need to actually speak to understand, beacause they understand without a single word. Of course they understand the language of love. Of course they do. Eliott loves Lucas. He loves him. And when they are close like this, that their breathing is mixing and their limbs are tangled that neither of them knows when one begins and the other ends... when they are like this, Eliott thinks, _yeah, I think, maybe, I hope, I really want to believe, I need to trust in that, that Lucas, might, love me, too, somehow._

  
...

  
Later when they´re just lying in bed, staring at each other, red and swollen lips, cheeks flushed, eyes wide and full of love, Eliott pulls away and brings his phone and huge headphones. (He stole them from Idriss before but shh.)

  
Lucas´ watching him, curious. Eliott put those headphones on Lucas´ head, carefully over his ears. They are so big that Lucas´ ears are all hiden under them. 

  
Then he plays the [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KINfQbfZwik). 

  
After few seconds Lucas says "Louder," and Eliott put the music on the highest volume. 

  
It´s one song he knows for ages, but he re-discovered it few days ago. It´s a good oportunity now, show it to Lucas, Eliott thinks. 

  
Eliott hears the music from the headphones and he doesn´t even need to have them on his ears. It´s really loud, but Lucas´ smiling, he hears it, too. _Good_. 

  
_"Hope when you take that jump_   
_You don't fear the fall_   
_Hope when the water rises_   
_You built a wall_   
_Hope when the crowd screams out_   
_They're screaming your name_   
_Hope if everybody runs_   
_You choose to stay"_

  
Lucas´ smiling so wide, watching Eliott with teary eyes and Eliott can´t have enough of this sight. He looks heavenly. 

  
The song continues and Eliott´s breath catches. 

_"Hope that you fall in love_   
_And it hurts so bad_   
_The only way you can know_   
_You gave it all you had_   
_And I hope that you don't suffer_   
_But take the pain"_

  
Lucas´ blinks and tears fall down from his eyes, but he doesn´t stop smiling at Eliott. 

  
_"Hope when the moment comes,_   
_You'll say_

_I, I did it all_   
_I, I did it all_   
_I owned every second that this world could give_   
_I saw so many places, the things that I did_   
_Yeah with every broken bone_   
_I swear I lived_

_Hope that you spend your days_   
_But they all add up_   
_And when that sun goes down_   
_Hope you raise your cup_   
_I wish that I could witness_   
_All your joy and all your pain"_

  
Eliott smiles and kisses Lucas´ hand. He thinks about the first night he slept with Lucas in one bed, the night Lucas told him about his schizophrenia chances and he cried and Eliott was there and held him. 

He thinks about that night when he was manic and Lucas came and was there with him and held him while Eliott cried. How Lucas was there with him and for him. And prepared him bath and just, _was there._

He thinks about that night after they met that asshole who beated Lucas. How Lucas was shaken and Eliott cried and they held each other. 

He thinks about yesterday night, when Lucas was out of danger but he was in shock and confused and scared and how Eliott was scared and relieved at the same time and how Eliott held Lucas when he couldn´t sleep for the dear life. And how Lucas held him, because he maybe felt what Eliott felt. 

He thinks about today, how Lucas cried in the kitchen and then slept in Eliott´s arms in the living room, how Eliott held him. 

He thinks about how Lucas now holding him and Eliott holding Lucas and how they always hold each other, when it´s needed. 

  
_"But until my moment comes_   
_I'll say_

_I, I did it all_   
_I, I did it all_   
_I owned every second that this world could give_   
_I saw so many places, the things that I did_   
_Yeah with every broken bone_   
_I swear I lived"_

  
The song slowly ends and Lucas is still there, looking at Eliott, holding his hand, smiling like the sun himself. 

  
And Eliott loves him. 

  
...

  
SUNDAY

  
They´re in the kitchen, when it happens. 

Eliott woke up just to found Lucas sitting on his deskchair, holding his guitar in his hands, staring at it with sad eyes. Eliott called out on him but Lucas didn´t react, so Eliott stood up, went to him (Lucas jumped a little when Eliott´s arms embraced him around his shoulders from the back), pressed kisses from his shoulder across his neck to his cheek and temple and then he held his hand and went to the kitchen with him. 

  
Boys aren´t home. It´s sunday, they can be anywhere. Eliott takes Lucas to the kitchen and put him up to the kitchen counter. He put Lucas´ hand to his neck. 

  
"Want something for breakfast?" he has to ask, because yesterday Lucas didn´t want to eat anything. Now Lucas shrugs and smiles. It´s so good to see him smile, really. It´s one of Eliott´s favourite feelings in the world. 

  
So Eliott stands between Lucas´ legs and kisses him instead. Kisses him and feels Lucas´ smile under his lips and it´s just so sweet and cute and Eliott loves it. 

  
Eliott decides he can make some ham and eggs for them to eat. He takes a pan, put it on the cooker, onion, ham, eggs, pepper... But then he looks at Lucas and he´s still sitting on the counter and he´s yawning and rubbing his eyes and seriously _why is he so adorable I have to kiss him he´s so cute-_

  
"Eliott," says Lucas between kisses. Eliott pulls away from where he´s been kissing under his jaw and looks at him, but Lucas takes his face and brings it closer to his for another kiss. And another. And from one were ten were fifty were hundred. 

  
"What´s that smell?" Eliott asks when he pulls away. Lucas doesn´t understand. 

  
"What?" he asks, looking at Eliott´s lips. Eliott looks around and, shit! He forgot about the pan. 

  
"Fuck!" he says when he sees the smoke goes up up up from the black burned eggs and ham. Kitchen is full of dark smoke and Lucas starts coughing. Eliott runs to the window and opens it wide, let the cold november wind run inside the room. It´s really windy outside today.

  
"Lucas, get out from here, until the smoke will be gone," he calls to Lucas but he´s just staring at him and doesn´t understand shit. _Dear lord..._ Eliott waves his hand on him to show him, but Lucas starts laughing. It starts like a chuckle, then he giggles adorably and suddenly he´s laughing. Eliott staring at him and his own lips twisting up. In a second he´s grinning and Lucas´ laughing and laughing but Eliott´s smile freezes when he realizes it´s hysterical, it´s not from joy, it can´t be. 

  
"Lucas, Lucas," he comes closer and catches Lucas´ hands in his. His laugh is turning into something else and suddenly he´s sobbing, tears falling down his cheeks and he´s crying. 

  
"Eliott," he cries and Eliott hugs him, as Lucas´ sitting on the counter, he hugs him around his middle, pulls him closer and caressing his hair. 

  
"Shhh, love, don´t cry," Eliott whispers, even when Lucas can´t hear him. "It will be okay, I promise, it will be okay," Eliott holds him and all smoke from kitchen is gone meanwhile, the cold wind all around them, but they don´t care. 

Lucas calms down after some time and Eliott pulls away to look at him. He brushes Lucas´ cheeks from tears gently and kisses his forehead (yes, he´s kissing Lucas´ forehead a lot. It´s a habbit he made to show Lucas that his mind is brilliant and worth loving). 

  
"I´m sorry, I don´t know why I got so emotional," says Lucas, cheeks pink. He´s embarrassed. _But he doesn´t need to be!_ thinks Eliott.

  
"No, Lucas, it´s okay, I get it, don´t apologize," says Eliott, holding Lucas´ chin up so he´s watching Eliott as he speaks. 

"It just sucks, you know, I miss your voice," says Lucas and Eliott´s heart melts. Honestly, he wouldn´t survive without Lucas´ voice a single day. "And I also maybe have new song I want to play to the guitar for you..." he says and shniffles. 

  
"Really?" Eliott asks softly and he´s smiling now. Lucas too, a little smile, but it´s there. He nods. 

  
"I also wanted to tell you something befo-"

  
In that moment loud thump echoes the flat when the wind blows the window to shut. It´s so loud that both of them startles and jumps, Lucas´ hands are pressed to his ears in a second and he all crouches with wide eyes. 

  
"My goodness," Eliott goes to the window and closes it properly. When he turns to Lucas he stares at him with big round eyes. "Lucas? Are you okay, love?" he goes back to him. Lucas´ mouth is open and he slowly put his hands away from his ears. He sharply exhales. 

  
"Eliott," Lucas whispers. 

  
"Are you alright? I´m so sorry love, I didn´t close the window and the wind just-"

  
"Eliott," Lucas repeats and Eliott stops talking and looks at him, takes in his facial expression and there´s something Eliott doesn´t really understand.

  
Or he does. Really well. He just can´t believe-

  
"What," Eliott whispers. "Do... do you hear me?" he says hesitantly and Lucas grins and nods. And nods again and again and Eliott starts crying. Just a silent tears falling down his cheek because he´s smiling. He´s smiling, he´s so happy. 

  
"I love you, Eliott," says Lucas. And it´s-

  
It´s really... the first thing (except Eliott´s name) what Lucas said after he started hearing again, really? It´s... Eliott is stunned. He´s in shock. He´s taken aback like, he-fuck-he doesn´t fucking know what to do, if he should cry more or laugh or what because Eliott wanted to be the first who say that. 

  
And there he is, _Lucas_ , the tiny beautiful boy which Eliott loves _loves_ LOVES with his whole heart and he just, said that first? 

  
_What?_

  
"Eliott," says Lucas again. "I love you, Eliott. I love you." 

  
Yes, Eliott heard that right, then. 

  
"Lucas," he says but no sound comes out. He coughs and tries again. "I love you too, Lucas, I love you," he says and it sounds like a whisper, his voice hoarse, but Eliott doesn´t give a damn and he blinks at smiling Lucas through the tears. 

  
And then they kiss. They kiss and it´s more than any kiss they ever had. Lucas bites Eliott´s lip and he moans, captures Lucas´ lips in his again and kisses him, deeply and slowly but it´s not enough it´s not enough. 

  
Eliott slips his hand under Lucas´ hoodie, caressing the soft hot skin on Lucas´ back. His other hand is in Lucas´ hair, grips them tightly and Lucas moans in a kiss. It sends vibration right to Eliott´s stomach and fuck, Lucas is so-

  
"Lucas," he says and Lucas just hugs Eliott with his legs around his waist and Eliott feels one hand on his chest under his t-shirt, the other one on the back of his neck.   
Eliott shivers. 

"Lucas," he says again. 

  
"What," Lucas says and kisses him again and again so Eliott almost forgets what he wants to say.   
Almost. 

  
He pulls away, Lucas groans. Eliott smiles. But when he looks at Lucas´ face, it takes his breath away. "Oh my dear lord, you´re so gorgeous," he says and Lucas opens his eyes and blushes. _Oh, yeah, do it even worse, for fucksake._ "I wanted to say that first," says Eliott.

  
"Say what first?" asks Lucas and his hand runs down Eliott´s chest to his stomach and it tickles, but it´s the best feeling. Well, one of the bestest feelings. 

  
"I wanted to say I love you first," says Eliott. "I was going to, for so fucking long, and then... then friday happened and," Eliott shrugs. "I wanted you to hear that, so I was waiting, again, and you-" he pokes Lucas to his ribs and Lucas chuckles. "You said that before me, you little gremlin!"

  
Lucas giggles, Lucas giggles and Eliott´s heart sings inside his chest and he thinks, _god, I love this boy_. "I love hearing you laugh," says Eliott. 

  
"God," Lucas breathes out. "I love hearing your voice."

  
Eliott feels like his heart can´t handle this amount of love. It´s growing and growing in his chest, but every time Lucas does something, even some simple basic shit, seriously, Eliott loves him more than before. 

  
He hopes it´ll never stop. 

  
...

  
LUCAS

SUNDAY

"I love you, Eliott."

  
 _There_. 

  
Lucas said it. He really said it. _Oh god_. But, also, _finally_. 

  
He held it inside for so long, so so long. He was scared, yeah, that´s right. He was scared that Eliott would leave him and Lucas never said such a thing to nobody, ever, before. So yeah, he was still waiting and he wanted to be sure. 

  
And then.

  
Friday happened. The worst thing Lucas ever experienced. Then the friday/saturday night, when it was worse and worse with every minute. But, Eliott was there. the whole time. Eliott was there and he didn´t leave. And Lucas thought... _really? You see me like this and you´re not leaving? What? Who are you?_

  
And then the saturday, Lucas had mental breakdown - Eliott was there.   
Lucas slept - Eliott was there, holding him in his arms.   
Lucas wanted to be alone (with Eliott) - Eliott was there, played him that song.   
Today morning, Lucas broke again - Eliott was there. 

  
And when the window slamed shut, something popped in Lucas´ ears. And then he heard his voice. "Are you okay, love?" 

  
And Lucas thought, _if THIS, if all of this, isn´t a sign from fucking universe, what is?_

  
And Lucas is not scared. Lucas is not scared anymore. 

  
Eliott is safety. Eliott is home. How can he be scared? 

  
So yeah, he said that. 

  
Eliott stares. 

  
Lucas repeated it. 

  
"Eliott," he said. "I love you, Eliott. I love you." 

  
And miracle happened. Miracle, which Lucas was looking for his whole life, but he didn´t know. He didn´t know. He didn´t know he was looking for _this_. He didn´t know he was waiting for _this_. 

  
And now it was right here, because Eliott said "I love you too, Lucas, I love you." 

  
Lucas felt like his inside melted all over the floor in the kitchen. 

  
...

  
"I love you."

  
"I love you."

  
"I love you."

  
"I love you," Lucas´ smile is wider than ever before. 

  
"I love you," Eliott´s breathes out quiet laugh. 

  
"Stoooop," Lucas groans and giggles, because no, he doesn´t want Eliott to stop. Never. _Never stop, please._ Eliott can see it in his eyes, because Lucas can see in his, that he can see that in Lucas´, you know? Does it make sense?   
Lucas doesn´t care if not. 

  
They´re lying in bed, shirtless, pantsless, full of happines. How they got here, Lucas honestly doesn´t remember. There were lots of laughing, kissing, stumbling, falling, and here they are. 

  
They can´t stop smiling. Lucas never felt so content. 

  
He´s lying half on top of Eliott, head on the same pillow as him, Eliott´s arm around his shoulders, Lucas´ arm around Eliott´s neck. 

  
"Never," says Eliott and presses kisses all over Lucas´ face, smiles wider when Lucas giggles. "I don´t have to, now, so I won´t." 

  
And, okay, Lucas is so okay with that. 

  
In the moment like this, with Eliott, he´s losing himself in Eliott´s grey eyes and he doesn´t think about friday night. He doesn´t think about his childhood, his father, his high school bullies, his attacker at the club, he doesn´t think about his ill mom or about his chances to have schizophrenia. He doesn´t think about anything of this.   
He thinks about Eliott. He thinks about love. He thinks about friendship he found here. He thinks about acceptance. He thinks about how this feeling is like, how he feels in Eliott´s arms, safe and happy. He thinks about love. Love love love. 

_Eliott_. 

  
Later he plays the [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmuYiYleTG4) to Eliott. He puts those huge headphones (Lucas doesn´t know where Eliott took them but he knows for sure they´re not his) on Eliott´s head, over his ears, and presses play. 

  
_"I been trying to do it right_   
_I been living a lonely life_   
_I been sleepin' here instead_   
_I been sleepin' in my bed_   
_I been sleepin' in my bed_

_so show me family_   
_all the blood that I will bleed"_

  
Lucas thinks about how he found a family in Yann and Arthur, and later in Idriss and Sofiane. And later later later, he found his home in Eliott. 

_"I don't know where I belong_   
_I don't know where I went wrong_   
_but I can write a song_

_I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart_   
_I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweet"_

  
And yeah, he feels it, when Eliott´s watching his face while the music plays, he feels that it´s _right_ , he feels that Eliott feels it too,  
that Lucas belong with Eliott. 

  
"I love you."

  
"I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look. I found out that half of the songs i´m listening is EXACTLY for this version of elu. So yeah, i´m gonna put that all to the last two chapters, shall I?  
> Also yes, the next chapter will be probably the last one.  
> Cry sessions at mine every wednesday at 8pm. I have cacao and cake. Feel free to join (it´s only myself in that group so far).
> 
> tumblr: briallenko


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If I lose myself tonight  
> It'll be by your side  
> If I lose myself tonight..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m so sorry. Few bad words and I´m demotivated to write anything again. Drowning in a selfpity. I´m such a mess.  
> Anyways, this is last chapter. I can´t believe it. I didn´t cry like this even over It´s too cold story, I didn´t cried like this like... never, probably. I don´t know why this story means so much to me. Maybe because of the fact that I love elu more than anything, maybe because their love is so special and beautiful, maybe because all of you, who read this and leave comments under this, you´re amazing and I love you all and I can´t thank you enough. It means so much to me, so much! Sometimes, your comments were like the only light in my days.  
> THANK YOU, LOVE YOU ALL. Hope you all are okay and safe and loved, and I hope we´ll meet again under some other story.  
> ♥♥♥
> 
> Hope you´ll like this chapter, loves.

...

MONDAY

  
They don't go to school. Not Eliott, not Lucas and neither the boys. Neither the other students. Whole college is closed for the next week. They have to deal with the friday events, with angry scared parents and with the families of those three who actually really died there, in the library.

  
Eliott still can't believe. It's shocking. He also can't believe how lucky he is to have Lucas, here, alive, safe and alright.

  
They have breakfast together when Lucas' phone rings. His mom is calling and Lucas' face lights up like christmas tree. It´s so beautiful to see him like that. 

  
"Halo?" he says carefully when he picks up the call and phone presses to his ear (thank god his ears are okay). His smile is soft and so his voice when he says "Hi, mom, how are you?"

  
Eliott would love to watch him the whole time, because he's beautiful, but he should probably leave him in peace to talk to his mom. So he stands up, kisses Lucas on the temple.

  
"I'll give you some privacy," he whispers and leaves the flat, goes to his own. He was going there just for clean clothes since friday, otherwise he spends all days with Lucas and all nights in Lucas´ bed. He´s not complaining. He´s happy. And he doesn´t know how to sleep without that soft boy in his arms, anymore. And he really really doesn´t want to learn that, sleep without Lucas. It´s like hell. Yes, Eliott thinks, hell surely feels like that, like nights without Lucas in his arms. 

He's in his room when he notices it.

  
The nicotine gums. On his nightstand. Two packs, whole new, not even one is gone.

  
And he realizes he didn't think about smoking since he's together with Lucas. Whole 23 days.

Dear lord.

 _Lucas is lifesavior._

Lucas is _everything_.

  
Eliott also notices the calendar on his desk. And the appointment written on wednesday. And in Eliott´s heart maybe appears a little flame of hope, of hope for even better days. 

  
...

  
TUESDAY

  
Lucas wants to visit Melanie. 

  
Eliott somehow knows Lucas is scared of hospitals, or maybe just scared to go there (maybe Lucas told him before, maybe Eliott just felt it), so he goes with him (of course), holding his hand the whole time, drawing soothing circles to his palm.

  
When they enter Melanie´s room, Eliott is surprised he sees Frankie there, one girl from his art class. Sitting at the bed, holding Melanie´s hand. 

  
_Oh_. 

  
"Lucas," Melanie smiles. She has her right shoulder and arm all under bandage, but she looks okay. She´s alright, she looks good. She will be okay. Eliott can literally feel Lucas´ relief, he sees his shoulders slowly losing their tension. 

  
"Mel," Lucas says and goes to her. "Hi. Hi, Frankie," he says and leans down to kiss Melanie´s cheek. "How do you feeling?" 

  
"I´m okay, I´m alive," Melanie says and then she looks at Lucas with teary dark eyes of her. "Lucas, you saved me," she says and Eliott´s breath catches. "You saved my life, Lucas, thank you, thank you for everything," she cries. 

  
"No, Mel, don´t cry, that was you, you´re the strongest person I know," he says and kisses her forehead, caresses her red hair. "You´re real fighter."

  
Melanie grins at him. "Thank you, Luc, seriously," she says and Lucas just smiles. 

  
"Lucas," Frankie says. "I was useless. I was so scared. You saved Melanie, Lucas, and no words can express how much I´m thankful for that," Frankie caresses Lucas´ hand. "You saved love of my life," Frankie smiles at Melanie and kisses her hand few times. 

  
"We all were scared, Frankie," says Lucas. "You were doing great, don´t worry about it." 

  
"Thank you," Frankie smiles. Then she stands up. "I´ll let you two alone so you can talk," she goes to Eliott. "Hi, Eliott, good to see you."

  
"You too, Frankie, I´m glad you´re okay," Eliott smiles and when Frankie moves her head at him to follow her outside, he looks at Lucas and Melanie. "Hey, Melanie, it´s good to see you´re alright, hope you get well soon."

  
Melanie smiles and she has almost the same sunshine smile as Lucas. It´s funny they are best friends. It´s good, they´re great together. (And they hold enormous amount of power with their smiles, which can easily destroy Eliott and Frankie too.) "Thanks, Eliott."

  
Eliott walks out of the room and there´s Frankie, leaning to the wall. 

  
"I didn´t know you and Melanie..."

  
"Yeah, but I know about you and Lucas. Firstly because Melanie told me, secondly because you didn´t shut up about him in class," she chuckles and Eliott smiles. He´s not even a little bit ashamed of talking about Lucas. How could he?

  
"Yeah, Lucas is real treasure," Eliott smiles fondly. 

  
"Yes, he is," says Frankie all serious. Eliott looks at her. "You know, Eliott..." she takes a deep breath. "Lucas was incredible back there. In the library. The son of a bitch had gun and he shot Melanie," Frankie shakes and rubs her eyes. "I was sitting right next to her, you know... And Lucas was sitting on the other side of her. And out of nowhere there was noise and scream and Mel was bleeding, and I didn´t remember what I was thinking, seriously, I honestly think my brain was completely in the dark, but I ran."

  
Eliott is looking at her and he sees she´s ashamed of it. 

  
"Frankie, there´s nothing bad about it. It had to be terrible. Lucas told me he was feeling like he was in hell..." Eliott says and put his hand on Frankie´s shoulder. 

  
"Lucas," Frankie says softly. "Lucas was incredible. I was hiding and he just took Mel and pulled her behind the bookshelf. He didn´t care about the shooter, he cared about her, you know? Like, to keep her safe."

  
_What?_

  
Eliott´s chest filled with love and pride and admiration and respect. 

  
"He was there, looking absolutely creepy covered by Mel´s blood, but he was there, saving Melanie´s life, holding her and calming her and when paramedics came, he gave them Melanie to took her away from the living hell," says Frankie and Eliott doesn´t know what to think anymore. 

  
"He´s wonderful," Eliott whispers. 

  
"He´s..." Frankie shakes her head. "You were right, he is a treasure." 

  
Eliott smiles. "He´s an angel."

  
"Yeah. And he´s so damn cute, really... Pity I´m not straight," she winks at Eliott. 

  
"Don´t worry, he´s neither," he says and Frankie chuckles. 

  
"That´s a shame."

  
"You know but Melanie is also cute... and I´m actually pansexual so..." Eliott raises his eyebrow. "And Lucas told me Melanie´s bisexual? Is that right?"

  
"Hey!" Frankie shoves him with her elbow. "Watch it!"

  
"Don´t worry," he says and smiles. "I wouldn´t change Lucas for anything in this motherfucking universe."

  
"That´s right," she says. "I totally get it. Once Mel will be all okay, we should go on a double date, huh? So me and Mel can make sure you´re treating our boy Lucas well."

  
"Excuse me?" says Eliott fake-offended. "Last time I checked he was MY boy, and yeah, I´m treating him the best, thank you very much."

  
"Eliott," Frankie says after small laugh. "I´m happy for you."

  
"I´m happy for you too, Frankie. Happy you and Mel are okay, really."

  
Eliott feels warm, all over his body, after this conversation. Lucas didn´t tell him this, and he get it, truly, Lucas might not remember things right. But Eliott is glad Frankie told him.   
Lucas will never stop surprising him, will he? 

  
Well good, because after all, Eliott loves surprising people.

  
...

  
They´re walking home hand in hand, Eliott feels that Lucas feels better and he´s happy with it. 

  
"You´re living superhero, you know that?" Eliott says after few moments of silent walking. 

  
"Hardly," Lucas chuckles. 

  
"Great to see Melanie´s okay," Eliott says and Lucas smiles at him so wide and happy, that it takes Eliott´s breath away. 

  
_Will this feeling ever go away?_

  
"Yes, I´m so happy seeing her like this. She´s the best," Lucas says softly and Eliott is so happy seeing him like this. 

  
"How did you two become friends, anyways?" Eliott asks, now curious.

  
"You think it´s wierd, because she looks so cool and stylish, right?" Lucas chuckles. 

  
"No, my god, no," Eliott shakes his head. "I honestly think that YOU look so cool and stylish," Eliott winks at Lucas. "She´s... okay yeah she´s cool and stylish too."

  
Lucas laughs. "Well... she was the first person from all my classes who talked to me," Lucas says fondly with that memory. "She noticed my rainbow flag pin and talked to me after class and she was just so nice, you know," Lucas shrugs. "She was the nicest person I´ve ever met. Like, okay, Yann and Arthur are the best, but you know, she´s the best girl I know. She didn´t trying to made me her best gay friend, like it´s in the movies probably," Eliott laughs, Lucas grins at him. "Maybe because she´s half gay herself." 

  
"Maybe," Eliott says, amused. 

  
"I don´t know. Since then we talked before and after every psychology class, we became partners in that lesson, I listened her rambling about one beautiful art girl she liked, she listened my endless rambling about one specific gorgeous neighbor, you know," Lucas looks at Eliott, biting his lip. 

  
_Wait, what?_

  
"What? Are you serious?"

  
"Of course! She was the only one I could talk to about that," Lucas shrugs, cheeks pink, maybe because of that cold or maybe because of something else. 

  
"Lucas," Eliott says and can´t stop that grin spreading over his face. "You were talking about me?"

  
"Yes, Eliott, of course I was talking about you. How could I not?" Lucas says and Eliott can´t take his eyes away from him. He wants to know all of that so badly. "I couldn´t talk about you with the boys, could I? They would be thinking I´m stupid, falling for boy who so obviously hates me."

  
Eliott´s smile is gone. "Lucas," he says in apologetic voice. "I´m so sorry about that, about how I was treating you earlier, I was so stupid jealous prick I´m-"

  
"Eliott," Lucas says. "It´s all good, really. Now shut it I was in the middle of a story, you know. Do you want to hear it or not?"

  
Eliott´s smile is back. He really really loves this boy. And he really really loves his voice. This is probably the most words Lucas ever said to him and yes, Eliott wants to hear more. "Okay," he says and makes a move to zipping his mouth. 

  
"So... where was I?" Lucas rubs his chin. "Oh, yeah. So I couldn´t talk to the boys, I was talking to Melanie. And she was talking to me about Frankie. And then we found out you´re classmates and it made it a lot funnier, but also like... Well, we were thinking, _how could we catch an art student_ , you know? Because artists are like completely specific species."

  
" _Species_?" Eliott laughs. 

  
"Yes," Lucas laughs too. "I knew I have like zero chances, so I focused on Melanie and Frankie, because Melanie had real chance, like seriously _real_ chance with Frankie, because Frankie was looking at her in the library more than once." 

  
Eliott feels so sorry for past Lucas, because he thought he had no chance with Eliott and past Eliott was a dick and, well, it was all fucked up. 

  
"I was thinking about it one day, walking through the corridor and I bumped into Frankie," Lucas says and Eliott looks at him surprised. "She cought me and said: _sorry bro_ ," Lucas giggles. "And she told me she likes my rainbow flag pin. And she wanted to walk away but I felt like... I don´t know... _brave_? Or maybe like a brat, a little," Lucas chuckles. "And I told her: _hey, wait_! She turned to me. And I said: _you know, there´s this gorgeous girl who really likes you, it´s my friend, with these red hair_..."

  
"You told her that?" Eliott asks amused and stunned. "How dared you? Betrayed your best friend like this!" Eliott smiles. And then he laughs. 

  
"Well, I don´t know, it seemed like the best thing I could do in that moment," Lucas shrugged. "Frankie was staring at me. Then she said: _really? I thought you and her_... and I was like: _what? No, no way! I´m gay, in case this pin didn´t tell you such a thing already, we´re just friends_. And she looked so relieved and I knew it was right thing to do."

  
Eliott smiles. He can´t stop smiling. Lucas _is_ truly love. He is _love_. Period. 

  
"And she thanked me and left. I didn´t know what to think so I left that be and no, before you ask, I didn´t tell Melanie."

  
"Of course you didn´t," Eliott chuckles. "Little traitor." 

  
Lucas just looks at him and continues. 

  
"So one day Melanie came to school and she was looking absolutely insane, like, she looked like a rock star, seriously," Lucas shakes his head in awe. "She was wearing black leather pants, burgundy crop top, high martens and her hair were all wavy and wild and she looked so beautiful, you know," Lucas says it with so much pride that it makes Eliott looking at him with his own pride smile. Lucas is just real angel. 

  
"Are you sure you´re gay, baby?" Eliott asks and Lucas chuckles. 

  
"Sure like never," he says and kisses Eliott with short firm press of his lips to Eliott´s. "Anyways," he says when he pulls away. "She looked like she´s gonna pass out. I asked her what she´s doing and told her she looks incredible. She looked at me and said: _I´m gonna do it, Lucas, I´m gonna do it today, I´m gonna go to her and told her... well fuck I don´t know what to tell her help me please_ ," Lucas giggles and Eliott with him. "She was so ready to go to Frankie and talk to her, like, finally. But then-"

  
Lucas is silent. Eliott waits. 

  
"Then what?" Eliott asks. 

  
Lucas looks at him. "Frankie was there. Right behind Melanie." 

  
"What? Really?" Eliott raises his eyesbrows. 

  
"Yes! It was crazy! I was sitting there, behind the desk, you know, Melanie was standing in front of me, leaning to me with her hands on my desk, looking at me with those huge black eyes, desperate, I was talking to her to calm her down and suddenly Frankie was there," Lucas says and Eliott just really loves listening to him. He´s really enjoying this. 

  
"I stopped talking, looked at Mel and back to Frankie and when Melanie turned, I thought she´s gonna fall down. Frankie looked at her like she saw an angel," and, well, yeah, Eliott can relate, because he´s pretty sure he´s looking like this at Lucas. "And she said: _hi_."

  
"She said hi? Like... _hi_?" Eliott asks and laughs. 

  
"Yeah, she said just _hi_ ," Lucas laughs too. "But you know what, that was enough. Melanie was staring at her and Frankie told her she was looking amazing and if she wouldn´t mind, Frankie would love to take her out some time. And, yeah, like, I had to type Mel´s number to Frankie´s phone, because Melanie was stunned, but so was Frankie. So yes, it was amazing."

  
Eliott smiles at him and shakes his head, put his arm around Lucas´ shoulders. "You´re real life cupid, you know that?" 

  
"Cupid? Oh hell no," Lucas laughs. "But... oh yeah okay, you´re right."

  
"So since then they´re together?"

  
"Yes, pretty much, they are," Lucas smiles softly. 

  
"And Melanie didn´t help you with me?" Eliott asks innocently. 

  
"Well.... few days after this I kissed you for the first time in your flat," Lucas says and Eliott´s cheeks go red with that memory. Probably the hottest thing he ever experienced. "And after that when she asked about you, I told her to drop it, because, well... you know..." 

  
Eliott knows. 

  
"But look at us now," Lucas says. "We found the way to one another, anyways."

  
"Yes, that´s right," Eliott says, stops them and cups Lucas´ face. They´re in front of their apartment building now. "And I wouldn´t change it for the world."

  
Lucas grins, wide and bright and Eliott brushes their noses together before he kisses him. 

  
It´s true. He wouldn´t change this. For anything. 

  
...

WEDNESDAY

They´re lying in the bed all morning almost until noon, kissing and cuddling and everything Eliott loves so much with Lucas, because... you know... it´s _Lucas_. And Eliott loves him. 

  
Eliott strokes Lucas´ skin on his lower back, slips his fingers behind Lucas´ underwear and Lucas breaks the kiss. 

  
"Eliott, wait," he says and Eliott presses a few soft kisses to his neck before he pulls away, just a little, to look at him. His hands never leaving Lucas´ body. 

  
"What is it?" Eliott asks when he sees Lucas biting his lips, looking down. His cheeks slightly red. 

  
"I j-just wanted to talk to you, about something," Lucas says and his blue eyes snaps to Eliott´s quickly before he looks down again. 

  
"Okay?" Eliott says and cups his face with one hand to make Lucas look at him. "You can talk to me about anything, Lucas, you know that, right?"

  
Lucas sighs and it sounds a little shaky. What´s going on? Is he... _nervous_?

  
"Yeah, I know, so..." Lucas deeply inhales, holds his breath for a little before he exhales. "I don´t know how to say this, I have never... never have to-to d-deal-"

  
"Hey," Eliott says because Lucas is really really nervous. "It´s okay, just tell me what you´re thinking about."

  
"Okay, so, I never had been in relantionship, you know?" Lucas looks at Eliott and he nods, because yes, he knows that. "Well and I never... I never had been with someone, like _this_ ," Lucas points to the little space between their bare chests. "I mean physically, I never done anything, with anyone, before."

  
Eliott nods and frowns slightly. "Okay..." he says slowly. 

  
"Well and I know you had been with people, and it´s totally okay, but I f-feel like... like you maybe expect s-something between us to happen and-and-"

  
Is he serious? 

  
"Lucas," Eliott says, sits and pulls Lucas up to sitting position too. Then Eliott takes his hands to his own. "I don´t expect anything, anything from you, Lucas, I promise," he says, looking in his eyes the whole time. 

  
"I´m talking about _sex_ , Eliott," says Lucas desperately.

  
"I know, I get it, baby, I understand what you want to say," Eliott says and smiles. "Lucas," he says when Lucas looks everywhere but at Eliott. "Love, look at me," Lucas does after deep breath. "We don´t have to do anything you don´t want to, okay?"

  
"B-but I... I want to, Eliott, I want to because I love you," Lucas says. "But I´m just... afraid that I´m gonna be bad at it, you know, I´m scared, because I never done that before, never in my life."

  
Truth is, Eliott is scared too. It´s a good fear, because it´s _Lucas_ and everything with Lucas must be perfect, and mostly it is. But still... a little fear sitting in the corner of his stomach too. 

  
"There´s nothing in this world you wouldn´t be good at, Lucas," says Eliott and he means it. "And we don´t have to do anything, I promise, we have time, okay? We can wait. We can do stuff once you´ll be ready, okay? _If_ you´ll be ready," Eliott leans to him and kisses his cheek. 

  
"Stuff," Lucas mumbles and a little smile appears in the corner of his lips. 

  
Eliott pulls him closer and hugs him, kisses his shoulder. "I love you."

  
"Love you too," Lucas whispers and relaxes in Eliott´s arms. 

  
"Okay, now get up, I´ll make you breakfast or lunch or whatever time it is and then I want to take you somewhere," says Eliott and gets up from the bed. 

  
"Where?" 

  
"Not telling you."

  
"Why?"

  
"It´s a... I don´t want you to run away."

  
"Why would I run?"

  
"I don´t really know..."

  
"Will I like it?"

  
"Wish I know that..."

  
"Eliott," Lucas whines. "Tell me what´s going on!" 

  
"No. Get up and come to eat."

  
"No!"

  
"So you´ll be hungry all day?"

  
"Yes, if you won´t tell me!"

  
"Okay," Eliott shrugs and walks out of the door. "I´m gonna take some snack for you, if you´ll get hungry on the way, okay?" he calls after Lucas. 

  
Eliott smiles when he hears Lucas´ mumbling in the bedroom. 

  
...

  
Lucas probably sees the sign. He definitely sees it. It´s on the building next to the door outside and it´s also on the wall near the staircase and it´s also on the door they´re walk into and it´s on the door they´re now sitting opposite to. 

  
The truth is... Eliott took Lucas to his therapist, Natalie. 

  
Yes, yes he _knows_ it´s risky and he probably should ask Lucas first, if he agrees with it. But he knows that Lucas is _scared_. And that he would probably won´t want to make people around him unhappy or make them feel bad for him, so he would won´t say anything. 

But Eliott also knows Natalie. He knows her for years. She´s his therapist since he found out about his bipolarity when he was fifteen. And she helped him so much. She still helping him. Six years. 

  
She´s the one who told Eliott he´s not a burden with his mental illness.   
She´s the one who told him that he still has all the rights to love and be loved.   
She learned Eliott accept his disorder and not be ashamed of it.   
She learned Eliott to respect himself and she also showed him that Lucille is _not_ the right person for him, in a gentle way, but Eliott understood and he felt so much better when he finally let Lucille go.   
She learned Eliott so much. That´s why Eliott never felt like he doesn´t deserve the love his friends giving him (he felt like that only when he did something not cool to them, but never because his bipolarity). That´s why Eliott never felt like he has to push Lucas away because of his bipolarity. 

No. It´s part of him, yes. And probably always will be. And not everyone can handle it, not everyone wants that in their lives, but Eliott knows Lucas. And he knows Lucas is not everyone. He knows Lucas is unique and respectful and caring and loving and he´s definiely not judging because of something like this.   
So, it´s part of Eliott, sure, but it´s not Eliott. And Eliott is not that. 

  
He understands now. Thanks to Natalie. 

  
They´re sitting next to each other in the waiting room, Eliott´s holding Lucas´ hand in both his, caressing the soft skin in soothing little movements. He feels that Lucas is tense. 

Lucas doesn´t speak. He´s sitting there in silence, making no noise, no moves, nothing. He´s making himself smaller, hiding behind Eliott a little. 

  
"Eliott Demaury?" the assistent calls out and looks at Eliott, because of course she knows him. "You can come in."

  
Eliott nods and stands up, pulling Lucas up with him. Lucas looks at him with wide eyes. 

  
"Listen to me, Lucas," Eliott says softly just for the two of them. "There´s my therapist, Natalie. She´s really nice and she´s a good person. I brought you here because I thought it could be good for you if you just... if you could talk to someone who can actually really help you," Lucas staring at him and there´s silent panic in his eyes. "It´s all good, love, you don´t have to be scared, because it´s okay," Eliott cups Lucas´ face. "If you really don´t want to, we can leave, okay? But if you want, you can talk about... about friday or... about your schizophrenia chances or, about your mom, you can talk about anything you want, yeah?"

  
Lucas nods, only slightly but it´s there and Eliott feels relieved. 

  
"I can go there with you, if you want me to, but if you want to do this in privacy, it´s okay too, I can wait here, but Lucas, please, give it a chance, okay?" Eliott says and Lucas´ grip on his hand tightens.

  
Well, good. Because Eliott would rather rip his own head off than let go of him. 

  
They´re walk inside together. 

  
"Hello, Eliott," says Natalie and smiles. She looks nice. She´s young woman in thirties with kind brown eyes and wavy dark hair. She´s wearing slim jeans and huge sweaters and Eliott loves it, honestly. 

  
"Hey, Natalie, this is Lucas," Eliott says and pulls Lucas a little closer to Natalie, who smiles at him and reaches her hand.

  
"Hi Lucas, nice to meet you, I´m Natalie," of course Eliott called Natalie and told her about Lucas. He doesn´t want to Lucas feel uncomfortable with her questions.  
Lucas looks at her and then at Eliott, then he takes her hand. 

  
"Good afternoon," says Lucas and Eliott smiles at him, because he´s so proud. He´s so damn proud at his boy. 

  
They sit, Eliott next to Lucas on the couch, Natalie to the armchair opposite to them. Lucas holds Eliott´s hand on dear life, but it´s okay. They´re here. Lucas is here and he´s not running away.   
He´s giving it a chance. 

  
"So Lucas, you´re nineteen, right?" Natalie smiles at him and Lucas nods. 

  
Eliott squeezes his hand. 

  
Lucas takes a deep breath and starts talking. 

  
...

Eliott doesn't know what to say.

  
They're walking down the street from the therapist and they're silent, because Eliott doesn't fucking know what to say.

He has _no clue._

  
He was sitting there, holding Lucas' hand, listening him talking about his childhood, about his father, about his mom and his classmates in elementary and middle school.

About his chances to have schizophrenia.

Eliott was listening about his highschool bullies, about his issues with finding a place to live, about his working summer to have enough money to allow a dorm room.

About his transition to new college after first year because of his mom.

About how his dad transport his mom again, far away, anyways.

About that attack on friday.

And in one time Lucas started cry.

  
Eliott was there, listening to him and he didn't fucking know what to _do_ , what to _say_ , if he should cry or just hold Lucas, or wrap him in his arms and let him hide in Eliott's heart, which is now bigger than Eliott himself with the love he has for Lucas.

  
So they're walking down the street and silence settled between them.

  
"Say something," says Lucas softly after some time. Eliott's eyes snap to his face. "Please," Lucas says and he's looking at him with big blue worried eyes.

  
Eliott takes a deep breath.

  
"I don' t know what to say..." says Eliott honestly, because it's... It's too much. Too fucking _much_. Those informations he just heard from Lucas' mouth... How can he still be like this? Strong, smiley, happy, loving, caring, unselfish, so full of joy... Eliott just doesn't get it.

  
"I told you! I told you before we started... This..." Lucas waves his hand between them and stops on the street. "I told you I'm more fucked up than you know and-and you didn't want to listen to me and now you heard that and now you know..." Lucas takes a shaky breath. Eliott starts shaking his head. "I never should allow this to happen, I fucking knew that." Lucas doesn't look at Eliott, he's looking back where they were coming from and blinks through the tears which he apparantely doesn't want to let fall.

  
No, Eliott doesn't have that.

  
"Lucas," he says. "Are you done with this absurd speech?"

  
Lucas' eyes snap to him. " _Absurd_? Eliott, were you even _there_? Did you _listen_? I'm sorry, I should have told you all that before, before we started anything between us, I should have. But I didn't, because I was trying to forget this, all of this shit, the whole time. But now I just..." he lets out frustrated sigh. "I couldn't hold it inside anymore, I don't know why... And I'm sorry I let you there with me, it wasn't fair, I should ask you, but I didn't and I'm sorry.. But I _needed_ you, because you keeping me calm and I feel safe with you and I was nervous and-"

  
"Lucas, stop," says Eliott.

  
"I get it, Eliott, I'm too broken, I'm too fucked-"

  
"Lucas please, stop it, now."

  
Lucas sniffs and looks up to the sky. Puffs of breath rise from his lips as he breathes, because it's freezing outside today. "I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you everything. But it hurt because some things were too scary. Some things even I didn´t understand. And still don´t, to be honest."

  
"Lucas..." Eliott starts and Lucas waits. "You're the bravest person in this world and I'm so fucking proud of you," says Eliott and he wants to cry because this is the biggest truth he ever said. "And I love you, so much," and this one too.

  
Lucas looks at him, finally, really looks at him, looks him to his eyes. "What?" he says softly.

  
"Listen to me, listen what I tell you now, okay? You'll maybe hear it for the first time but definitely not for the last," Eliott says and waits for Lucas to really focus on him. "I can't believe how incredible person you are..." Eliott shakes his head in disbelief. "You're just... Out there, with all these shit behind you and you're so _strong_ and you're like... You're like breath of fresh air, you're like sun after rainy days," Eliott smiles and cups Lucas' face. "I feel so lucky you choose me to be with, Lucas, I can't believe it. I love you, I love you so much."

  
Lucas closes his eyes and exhales. "I'm sorry I didn't ask you before," he says quietly.

  
"Ask me about what?"

  
"About, well, if you don't mind to go there with me and listen to me. Listen _that_."

  
"Lucas, thank you that you wanted to share with me such a private personal stuff. Thank you for trusting me with this."

  
"I trust you, Eliott, of course I do," Lucas looks at him. "I love you," Eliott's heart probably never get used to hearing this from Lucas. "And thank you for bringing me there, I would never find the courage to go there myself, I'm not that brave," Lucas chuckles.

  
"You are. You _are_ that brave."

  
Eliott kisses him there, in the middle of the street.

  
"I was not there for the last time, I think, right?" Lucas says as they walk back home. 

  
"It´s totally up to you," Eliott smiles at him, brings their interwined hands to his lips and kisses Lucas´ knuckles. 

Later, when they´re in the flat, half-lying on the couch, watching movie, Eliott not really paying attention to it. He´s watching Lucas instead. Lucas, who sits there, curled close to Eliott with glasses on. He looks so adorable and so beautiful like this. He looks like he´s cutted from the fairytale book.   
Eliott leans to him and kisses his head and Lucas looks up at him before he smiles and put his legs over Eliott´s lap, curling closer, his head between Eliott´s neck and shoulder and Eliott is freaking happy. 

He´s so, so freaking _happy_. 

  
...

  
THURSDAY

  
Boys left.   
Arthur used his free days and went to Chris´ apartment to spend some more time with him, alone, because Chris lives by his own. 

Yann went home on tuesday, because his parents were freaking out about that shooting in the library. 

Idriss and Sofiane left monday evening to Alex again. 

  
Eliott´s sitting on the couch in his flat, drawing some last sketches and writing process and discription for his art project, when the door opens and Lucas stands there.

  
"Ah, you´re here," he says.

  
"Of course, what did you think?" 

  
"I don´t know," Lucas shrugs. "I woke up and you were gone. And I have no messages in my phone and also no notes with a little picture as usually..."

  
"Aww, you like my pictures," Eliott says when Lucas sits next to him on a couch.

  
"No, Eliott, I _love_ them," says Lucas softly and Eliott-

  
"And I love you," he says. 

  
Lucas looks at him and shakes his head with adorable smile. "What are you working on?"

  
"Just making some notes for my art project, it´s almost done, but I need to go to atelier today... is that okay?" Eliott doesn´t want to leave Lucas alone, especially when boys are not here, but he also doesn´t want Lucas to see his art project, _yet_. Eliott wants for him to see that once it will be perfectly _done_ , and it will be after today spend in atelier. 

  
Lucas frowns. "Yes? Why wouldn´t be?" 

  
"Well.. I don´t know, I don´t want to leave you alone here... or anywhere, really," Eliott shrugs and watching Lucas´ face carefully. 

  
"Eliott... please... I´m okay, truly," Lucas kisses his cheek. "And I was actually thinking about going to Melanie today, because Frankie will be gone for a day and Mel will be alone, so, I´m gonna go there, probably." 

  
"You´re real angel, you know that?" Eliott says and pulls Lucas closer to him. 

  
"I´m not," Lucas says. But he is. 

  
"You are."

  
"You know what? Rather tell me about your art project. What is it about?" 

  
"Not telling you," Eliott shakes his head. 

  
"Excuse me?" 

  
"Not telling you. Yet."

  
"You know, Eliott, what it feels like?" Lucas asks and moves away from him, ignoring Eliott´s unhappy whine. "I´m in a relantionship where the object of my love constantly keeping secrets from me." Lucas folded his arms over his chest and it looks cute, he´s sitting there, lips pouted, fake offended. 

  
"Object of your love?" Eliott asks with half-smile, tugging for Lucas´ hand. 

  
"Yes. That´s you, if you didn´t know that before."

  
"I´m _object_?"

  
"Yes."

  
"Oh, wow."

  
"Stop it. Stop it and tell me."

  
"What you wanna know? You´re object of my love too," Eliott grins at cute pouting Lucas. 

  
Lucas huffs. "Okay, keep it to yourself," he says. "You´re lucky that I love you, or-"

  
"Yeah, I am fucking lucky," Eliott says and smiles when Lucas blushes. 

"So I was talking to my mom this morning," says Lucas after one cute hot amazing kissing session on the couch. "And she seemed to be more okay than in a long time."

  
"Really? That´s great, baby," Eliott brushes hair from Lucas´ forehead and presses a kiss there. 

  
"Yeah, she´s taking new medication and she´s happy and she.. she remembered me and she´s calling me and that´s, you know, that´s really nice, I´m glad," Lucas says and he looks like he might cry but he´s holding it back, but Eliott knows how important this is for Lucas. 

  
"I´m glad too," he says to his hair, kissing him there, arms around Lucas´ body tighten and bringing him closer.

  
...

  
Eliott goes to the atelier. 

  
Yes, he still has a key.

  
His angel is still there. Eliott finds needed supplies and starts working. He has to make the surface smooth and he also should create the shapes on the body. Shapes he now knows really really well. 

  
Eliott plays some music while he´s working and thinking about Lucas. 

  
Of course he is thinking about him. 

  
And while the music plays and he´s singing with the lyrics he doesn´t even know, he finds bunch of songs he wants to play to Lucas. Lucas just needs to hear them, because they´re perfect.

  
Just like his beautiful boy. 

  
...

  
FRIDAY

  
They´re in the kitchen, Lucas making lunch for them, when his phone starts vibrating on the table. 

  
"Lucas, love, your phone," says Eliott and brings it to him. 

  
"Oh shit, I can´t now, my hands are dirty," Lucas says with his hands all from the dough of something he didn´t want to tell Eliott. "Can you please pick it up and put it on speaker?

  
"Yeah, sure," Eliott does that, it´s unknown number. 

  
"Halo?" Lucas says. 

  
"Yes, halo? Mr. Lallemant?" some woman from the phone says. 

  
"Yes, it´s me."

  
"Hi, it´s doctor Mullay, we met yesterday. I´m calling about the tests we were doing yesterday afternoon, your CT and other brain examination," she said and Lucas freezes. 

  
"Mr. Lallemant, are you there? I´m calling because we have results for you. I know I told you it can take weeks, but someone in the lab probably changed the shelves and you came as a first to working on, but, it doesn´t matter, anyways, I have results for you, do you want to hear it now or would you prefer to come and hear it in person?" 

  
Eliott stares. 

  
Lucas was on _tests_ yesterday? While Eliott was in atelier? Lucas was there all _alone_?

_Shit..._

  
"Please, tell me," says Lucas in strange voice, his face blank. Eliott sees his hands shaking. 

  
"Your results are normal, Mr. Lallemant. Nothing unusual in your brain. Your head is okay, you hear me?" 

  
Lucas swallows and nods few times before he realizes the doctor can´t see him. "Y-yes, I do hear you, b-but what about my... what about my chanc-"

  
"Yes of course, your chances to be schizophrenic are 43%, so you can be calm, because it´s not that much higher like at every other human being on this planet, Mr. Lallemant."

  
Lucas´ eyes go wide and he looks at Eliott, who just stares. 

  
"Is there anything you want to ask, Mr. Lallemant?" Dr. Mullay asks. 

  
Lucas swallows and tears fall down his cheeks. "No, no that´s okay, thank you doctor, thank you so much."

  
"You´re welcome, have a good day."

  
"Y-you too."

  
Silence. 

  
Silence silence silence. 

  
And then Eliott steps to Lucas and pulls him to the tight hug, kissing his head and shoulder and neck and everything he can reach while holding him so close and tigh. 

  
"Baby," Eliott whispers and Lucas cries. And he´s smiling. 

  
"Eliott, did you hear that?" Lucas asks, arms around Eliott´s waist but palms up to not make Eliott´s t-shirt dirty. "Fourty-three percent, Eliott, did you-"

  
"Yes, yes, love, yes I heard, I heard," he says and they´re both smiling at each other and Eliott doesn´t ask about those tests, he doesn´t ask why Lucas didn´t tell him. He´s happy that Lucas is happy and it´s okay. It´s all okay, they´re gonna be just fine. 

  
...

  
After lunch (Lucas made wierd dumplings with strawberries inside, Eliott never had it before and it was.... it was like heaven on the plate) they´re watching some anime movie, when Eliott can´t hold it anymore. 

  
"Come with me, I want to show you something," he says, gets up from the couch and tugging for Lucas´ hand. 

  
"Where?"

  
"Not telling you."

  
"Jesus, Eliott, where?"

  
"You´ll see."

  
"Oh, here we go again, right? Another secret?" 

  
"Nope. It´s just, surprise. Come on."

  
Eliott somehow (don´t ask him how because he doesn´t know himself) made Lucas got dressed, put on his coat and scarf and they´re walking down the street, hand in hand. 

  
"Look at that sky," Lucas says and Eliott does. "It´s beautiful."

  
Sky is dark and grey. It´s gonna be raining soon, probably. 

  
"Yeah? Will you be saying this when you´ll be completely wet, after the rain starts falling?"

  
Lucas grins. "Yes, because I´ll hide behind you, so I´ll be safe," he giggles. 

  
"Fair enough," says Eliott, but just because Lucas is so damn adorable. 

  
They open the atelier and it´s dark inside, because of the dark sky outside. 

  
"Okay," Eliott say, "before I switch the light on, close your eyes, please?" 

  
"Oh my goodness, Eliott, will you show me your art project?" Lucas squeakes with excitement and Eliott laughs. He loves this boy. So damn much. 

  
"Close your eyes, please."

  
Lucas closes them with wide smile on his face. "Don´t open them before I´ll tell you, okay?"

  
"Okay," Lucas says with that wide grin and Eliott just stands there for a little, looking at him and thinks, _how did I deserve this?_

  
Then he goes to switch on the lights, because he feels like he might cry. Then he goes to Lucas and situates him like two metres in front of the angel with his hands on Lucas´ shoulders. 

  
"Okay," Eliott says and clears his throat. "You can look now."

  
Lucas slowly takes his hands off of his eyes and blinks couple times before he looks. He freezes in this position, standing there, his palms on Eliott´s hands on his shoulders, staring at the angel. Eliott is not sure if he´s even breathing, so he squeezes his shoulders a little. 

  
Lucas stares at the sculpture and he´s probably in shock. 

  
"Lucas? Baby?" Eliott says softly.

  
"Eliott," he whispers. "This is-"

  
"An angel. That´s the theme of my project, Lucas, _angels_."

  
"But I- wh-what?" Lucas asks, takes a few hessitant steps closer to the statue. Eliott´s watching him, but Lucas never put his eyes away from the angel. 

  
Eliott was working on it almost all day yesterday. He lost the time concept and he woke up from the trans late evening when Lucas stopped responding to his texts, so he ran home just to find him sleeping in Eliott´s bed with phone on the ground. 

  
But he finished it.   
So now they´re looking at it and the statue has all the details you wanna see. It has the face creatures made very detailed, even the long eyelashes are visible. Hair. Every single feather on the wings. Shoes (old-school vans) with laces. Long-sleeved t-shirt pulled over the palms, only tips of the fingers are visible. The small smile in the corner of his lips.

  
_Everything_. 

  
Lucas´ crying again. Just a few tears, as he slowly walking around the angel who´s looking like him, walking around and looking at every detail and taking his time and Eliott´s watching his face and he´s never felt more lucky to have him. 

  
"This is... this is unbelievable, Eliott, when did you manage to make it? It´s.. there´s so much work on it I can´t imagine how long it must take to do that, it´s incredible," Lucas talking in quiet voice. 

  
"I started after our first saturday together, when the boys came back from Belgium."

  
"What?" Lucas finally snaps his eyes to him. "But that was like..."

  
"Twenty six days ago," says Eliott. Because yes, he´s counting. And he knows what Lucas thinking. How Eliott managed to create that when he was constantly with Lucas, right? "I started it when I was manic, Lucas, I don´t remember much, to be honest, but when I´m like that, I feel like I can do anything I want, you know? Nothing is impossible. And since then I was working on the details and other stuff, like sketches and the written part and shit..."

  
"You´re..." Lucas shakes his head. "Why angels?"

  
Eliott smiles. "Remember our first interaction?" Lucas nods. Yeah, Eliott was mean to Lucas when he told him he must be amazing artist. And Lucas also told him about Michelangelo and his angel. "Well, you were the one who told me about angel sculpture."

  
"But you... you hated me back then," says Lucas. "How so you chose this topic for your project?"

  
"Because of you, Lucas, obviously! Look at that," he points at the angel and Lucas looks. "It´s you, because you´re an angel, Lucas. You inspired me. Just _you_ , I don´t know how to explain that," Eliott huffs in frustration because he doesn´t fucking remember what was in his manic brain that night. But it had to be something what made sense, because here they are, looking at this - Eliott has to admit - impressive sculpture of angel. "I guess you´re my muse."

  
"And you?" Lucas asks and Eliott frowns in cofusion. "Do you remember our first interaction?" 

  
"Yes of course," says Eliott. "You told me about Michelangelo, how he just wanted to get the angel out from the stone."

  
Lucas smiles because yes, Eliott remembers. "Can´t believe you remember this."

  
Eliott goes closer to Lucas. 

  
"You know, I was right back then," Lucas says and brings his hands around Eliott´s neck. 

  
"About what exactly?" says Eliott and hugs him close around his waist. 

  
"Your art really is _breathtaking_ ," Lucas whispers and kisses him. And Eliott kisses him but he can´t stop the smile. They´re both smiling and kissing and giggling and kissing again. God knows how long. But Lucas is there, in Eliott´s arms and he´s so warm and beautiful, and his lips are sweet and pink and Eliott loves the press of them on his own lips, Eliott loves the taste. 

But then the kisses turn from soft and sweet and gentle to hot and deep and desperate and after few moments (or maybe hours or days of what-fucking-ever) they´re both panting but they don´t want to stop and they´re all handy, hands and fingers running up and down the body of the other and Eliott has to break the kiss and pull away from Lucas just because there, in atelier, is no damn bed. 

  
"Lucas," he breathes out when Lucas kissing his neck. "Baby, wait, we have to go, before it starts raining."

  
"I don´t care," says Lucas, cups Eliott´s face and brings him back to his to kiss him. Eliott lets it for a while because he just can´t _not to_. 

  
"Okay okay okay, let´s go home, let´s go home love," he mumbles into Lucas´ lips and tugs for his hands, they´re stumbling to the door. 

  
But right after the click the key makes when Eliott locks the door, the rain is there. It´s like something in the sky ripped and the water falling down like crazy. They do like ten steps before they´re completely soaked. 

  
Lucas´ giggling at Eliott and Eliott can´t but laugh too. 

  
"Eliott," Lucas giggles. "This is amazing, I love this."

  
Eliott looks at wet smiley Lucas. How can he shine like a pure sun under this dark sky and strings of water? He´s standing there, wet hair falling to his eyes which are squinted under the waterfall, long wet eyelashes looking dark, his smile brighter than pearls. 

  
_God he´s beautiful._

  
Eliott kisses him, there on the empty street (because every normal person goes and hides in weather like this). And Lucas smells so good, it´s unfair. And Eliott loves him. 

  
They´re running home, hand in hand, giggling all the time, Lucas probably because he loves rain and he apparantely doesn´t care about being wet in such a cold air. Eliott, because he loves Lucas and he loves his laugh and he loves everything about him and he can´t stop smiling. 

  
Eliott could swear that Lucas in the rain is the most beautiful thing in the world. 

  
Once they´re at their apartment building, Eliott presses Lucas to the door and smiles at him, kissing his face. "You smell so good in the rain," Eliott whispers and Lucas shivers. 

  
They´re running the stairs to their fourth floor, leaving wet trail behind them, because from their clothes dripping endless water. And they don´t care. Lucas´ shaking a little with the cold but he´s smiling all the time, kissing Eliott on their way to the bathroom. 

  
Eliott takes Lucas´ scarf and coat off. Lucas takes Eliott´s scarf (well, it´s Lucas´ grey scarf but _shhh_ ) and his jacket off. Eliott pulls Lucas´ hoodie (well okay, this hoodie is Eliott´s actually) off of him and also his t-shirt, everything is wet and Lucas´ shivers before he pulls Eliott´s clothes away. 

  
For the first time, they´re together like _this_ , completely naked, both of them, and both of them are _in the senses_. No Eliott´s episode. No Lucas´ shocked state. No danger here.   
Just them.   
Safety. 

  
"Eliott," Lucas whispers, looking in his eyes. "I´m not scared anymore."

  
Eliott looks at him and presses their foreheads together. "Neither am I."

They´re standing in the shower, hot water running down their bodies. 

  
Eliott could swear that Lucas, naked in the shower, is the most beautiful thing in the world. 

  
They´re kissing and touching everywhere, like, _everywhere_. Eliott kissing Lucas´ jawline and he feels Lucas´ hands on his hips and his lower back going down down _down_ and then Lucas´ fingers squeezes Eliott´s back thigh and Eliott sighs to Lucas´ skin. 

  
And Lucas´ skin is so good, so warm, so soft like a silk. Eliott never wants to stop touching it. His shoulders. His back. His butt, his thighs, his abs - oh god his abs!  
He never wants this to stop.

  
...

  
Two candles on Eliott´s nightstand lighting the room in the warm soft light, making Lucas´ skin looking like a gold. Like a pure gold. 

  
And Eliott could swear that naked Lucas in white sheets drowning in soft candle light is the most beautiful thing in the world.

  
The music plays from the reproductor on Eliott´s table. The [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aFKSBO7F4g) Eliott wanted to play to Lucas. And when he listens the lyrics now, with Lucas´ naked body in his arms, it´s just _perfect_. 

  
_"I stared up at the sun"_

  
Eliott looks at Lucas, his half-closed eyes, soft sunny smile on his lips.

  
_"Thought of all the people,_  
_Places and things I've loved_  
_I stared up just to see_  
_With all of the faces, you were the one next to me."_

  
Eliott watching his own hand goes up Lucas´ chest to his neck and face just to get lost in his hair, still wet and still beautiful. Lucas´ breath shudders when he brings Eliott closer by his neck to kiss him.

  
_"You can feel the light start to tremble_  
_Washing what you know out to sea_  
_You can see your life out of the window, tonight"_

  
It´s raining behind the window, it´s literally _storming_. Every once in a while the lightning changes the room for a second and it´s gone again, but they don´t care. 

  
Lucas´ hands go from Eliott´s neck, one of them to grip Eliott´s hair tightly and Eliott moans to Lucas´ mouth. The other goes down his back, Lucas digging his fingers to Eliott´s skin and it feels so good, so so _good_. Lucas presses to Eliott´s lower back to bring him closer closer _closer_. 

_"If I lose myself tonight_  
_It'll be by your side_  
_If I lose myself tonight"_

  
Eliott started to move his body against Lucas´ in one moment and Lucas´ eyes shuts closed, mouth opens. Eliott leans down and bites Lucas´ bottom lip, smiles with that moan which follows. 

  
_"If I lose myself tonight_  
_It'll be you and I_  
_Lose myself tonight"_

  
Lucas brings his legs around Eliott´s hips, holding him close. Eliott runs his hand up Lucas´ leg, from the ankle across his calf to the back of his thigh to Lucas´ ass and he squeezes it and hears Lucas´ breathes out sharply. 

  
They´re panting, both of them, and when Eliott looks back up to Lucas´ face, he sees the drops of sweat on his forehead and neck. 

_"I woke up with the sun_  
_Thought of all the people_  
_Places and things I've loved"_

  
Eliott´s watching Lucas´ face and he thinks about that he never loved anyone like _this_. Never, never in his life he loves anything or anyone as much as he loves this little angel.

  
_"I woke up just to see_  
_With all of the faces, you were the one next to me._

_You can feel the light start to tremble_  
_Washing what you know out to sea_  
_You can see your life out the window, tonight"_

  
Eliott leans down and kisses the drops away. It´s salty and it´s Lucas. Eliott presses his cheek to Lucas´ and whispers to his ear. "You´re so beautiful."

  
Lucas opens his eyes and looks into Eliott´s, and Eliott can see there dark endless ocean and thousands stars. And love. _Pure love._

  
_"If I lose myself tonight_  
_It'll be by your side_  
_If I lose myself tonight"_

  
Eliott´s watching Lucas´ face as he´s falling apart under him, as his body shakes and his breath fastens. And Eliott truly wants to lose himself in this moment, because nothing is _more_ than _this_. 

  
_"If I lose myself tonight_  
_It'll be you and I_  
_Lose myself tonight"_

  
Lucas´ hands around Eliott´s back tightens and his legs around Eliott´s hips too, and he´s biting his lip, head tilted backwards, chin up and totally exposed neck and Eliott could swear that Lucas in the middle of something like _this_ is the most beautiful thing in this world.

  
_"Lose myself tonight."_

  
Eliott´s body collapses to Lucas´, he burries his face into Lucas´ neck and he feels Lucas´ hot breath around his ear, he feels Lucas´ rising chest, he feels everything as he´s lying there, body pressed to Lucas´ with every single part. 

  
Eliott never felt anything like that.

  
He wants to stay like this forever. 

  
Lucas´ arms hugs him around his neck and shoulders, Eliott feels kisses on his shoulder and in his hair and then he feels lips on his ear. 

  
"I love you so much," whispers Lucas and Eliott feels infinite.

  
...

  
They lay like this, still touching, still awake. Eliott on his stomach half-lying on Lucas who lies on his back, their limbs tangled under the duvet, faces turns to each other, foreheads touching, eyes closed, breathing the same air. 

  
Eliott caresses the skin on Lucas´ neck and his hair with his right hand, his fingertips drawing nonsenses onto Lucas´ skin, soft and tender.   
Lucas stroking that arm of Eliott´s, up to his shoulder and his back. 

  
It´s so peaceful and beautiful. 

  
And Eliott loves him. 

  
Other [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoYY8Yuc334) starts, quiet and silk voice of the singer sounds in the room. 

  
"This song is about you," Eliott whispers and Lucas put his hand on Eliott´s face, stroking his cheek. 

  
_"Feels like I'm standing in a timeless dream"_

  
Because it truly is like a dream for Eliott, be with Lucas. 

  
_"Of light mist, of pale amber rose_  
_Feels like I'm lost in a deep cloud of heavenly scent"_

  
Well, Lucas is an angel and he smells like heaven. 

  
_"Touching, discovering you"_

  
Eliott thinks about today, tonight, about their shower, about what they were doing just moments ago and he smiles. And he wants to cry with the thought about Lucas trusting him enough to let him discover him and his body like this, like noone does ever before. 

  
_"I love you always, forever_  
_Near and far, closer together_  
_Everywhere I will be with you_  
_Everything, I will do for you"_

  
And there´s nothing in this world what Eliott wouldn´t do for him. Lucas could ask him to burry a body and Eliott would go to do it without single question "why". (Which is kinda scary but it´s _Lucas_ , for godsake.)

  
_"I love you always, forever_  
_Near and far, closer together_  
_Everywhere I will be with you_  
_Everything, I will do for you"_

  
Lucas smiles and shuffles himself a little closer, if it´s even possible.

_"You've got the most unbelievable blue eyes I've ever seen"_

  
Eliott opens his eyes and looks into Lucas´, which are already wide open, soft and blue blue blue and he smiles, Lucas smiles back and kisses the tip of Eliott´s nose.

  
_"You've got me almost wilting away_  
_As we lay there, under a blue sky with pure white stars_  
_Exotic sweetness, a magical time"_

  
Lucas _is_ the sweetest, and every minute with him seems like a magic.  
This song is just completely about him. 

  
_"I love you always, forever_  
_Near and far, closer together_  
_Everywhere I will be with you_  
_Everything, I will do for you_

_Say you'll l-love me forever_  
_Never stop, never whatever_  
_Near and far and always_  
_And everywhere and every_

_Say you'll l-love me forever_  
_Never stop, never whatever_  
_Near and far and always_  
_And everywhere and everything."_

Eliott shuffles closer to Lucas, brushes their noses together and kisses him, softly, just a little, just a tender touch of lips, before he lies back, stroking Lucas´ neck and cheeks and then burries his hand in Lucas´ hair. 

  
"I love you, my angel."

  
"I love you, sweetheart."

... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Yes, I made fanart for my own story, find it on my ig: briallen.art)  
> Tell me what you think. Tell me your darkest secrets. Tell me your pet´s name. Tell me about your first kiss (mine was when I was 18 with my middle school classmate and it was bad, it was bad and endless and lots of his tongue and afterwards I thought I´m gonna pass out, bleh). 
> 
> tumblr: briallenko  
> Come talk to me, I´m gonna miss you like crazy. 
> 
> Love you all, take care. ♥
> 
> Sincerely, your Barb.


	13. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lucas is not only yours, Eliott," says Idriss, "we want him too."
> 
> "He is. He IS only mine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you´ll enjoy.  
> Miss you.

...

LUCAS

  
SATURDAY

  
Lucas is lying on the bed in his room, reading about egyptian history for his class, basically minding his own damn bussines, when loud fucking noise echoes the room. He jumps up and off of his bed with wide eyes, looking around.   
The sound coming from the wall, behind his table. Lucas feels the floor under his feet vibrating. 

  
"What the fuck..." he says and then he calls out. "Yann! Yann, Arthur, come here!"   
Yes, Lucas is fucking scared, okay? Why is his room shaking and what that loud noise means? 

  
"What is it, Lulu?" Yann bursts into his room, sees Lucas staring at the wall with wide eyes. "What happened?" Yann asks again, going closer to Lucas when he hears the loud noise too. "What the fuck?"

  
"T-that´s what I said," Lucas says in small voice. 

  
Yann turns to facing the wall - what´s now regulary shaking - and steps in front of Lucas, shoving him behind him to hide him, shield him with his own body. "Step back, Lulu. I protect you." 

  
"B-but Yann, what is it?" says Lucas, but Yann can´t hear him, because the noise is louder now, Lucas´ years hurts. It remains him the time weeks ago when he couldn´t hear anything but the ringing, and he shakes with that, gripping Yann´s arm, peeking from behind him. 

  
Then the wall breaks, the big hole appears in it, in a height of Lucas´ eyes. Piece of wall, as big as someone´s head falls on the floor in Lucas´ room. 

  
And there´s drill bit, huge, silver, metal, just stops in spinning and the noise dissapears with that too.   
It´s quiet in the room until

until the drill is gone and there´s Eliott´s head instead, peeking into Lucas´ room through the head-big hole in the fucking wall. 

  
Eliott looks at Yann and Lucas, who both staring at him like he would have a third head (not that he´d have more than one) and he grins widely. 

  
"Hey, baby, did you know that our rooms were separated only by this wall? It´s basically paper. We were separated only by fucking paper wall," Eliott says cheerfully, protective glasses on his pretty sparkly eyes, protection on his ears as well, pieces of something white (probably the wall) stucked in his fluffy hair. "Well, not anymore," he giggles.

  
"Eliott what the _fuck_?" Yann yells. "What the hell are you _doing_?"

  
"What it looks like, Yann?" says Idriss´ head, peeking from the hole next to still-grinning Eliott. "We´re making an entrance from Eliott´s room to Lucas´. I don´t know about you but I´m so tired of Eliott marching around our flat in fucking 2am just because he just realizes he misses Lucas."

  
Lucas´ heart melts. 

  
Okay but he _loves_ the night visits from Eliott. He did it too, once, because he had a nightmare and he needed Eliott to calm himself the fuck down. So the night Eliott wasn´t there with him in his bed (which is not often thing but it happens sometimes too), Lucas woke up, sweaty, breathing heavily, eyes looking around if the shooter is still there, if the gun is still between his eyes, if Melanie, his best friend, still bleeding next to him on the ground. If they are still alive. If their hearts are still beating.   
It lasted some time for him to realize where he was, to take in his surroundings. It lasted long time. Then he just got up from his bed, shaking and cold even when he was sweaty and he went out, out from his room, out from his flat. He doesn´t remember how he got inside of Eliott´s flat that night... Did he have a key? Did he texted Eliott to come and open the door for him? Did he knock so long and loud until someone came to let him in?  
Lucas doesn´t remember. He just remembers the arms, strong, gentle and caring, embracing him, tightly. He remembers the sweet voice asking _what´s wrong, what happened_ and _are you okay my love?_ Lucas remembers the sweet caramel scent and Eliott - safety. He remembers the soft covers around him, warm body under him. He remembers sweet voice in his ear, just a whispers, calming.   
So yeah, Eliott´s night visits are everything to Lucas. He was thinking earlier that he _needed_ him to sleep peacefully all night. Then he had to get used to _not_ have Eliott with him every night. And it was okay, it was... it was... it was _awful_. But it was what it was. It´s just like that.   
But now, when Lucas sees the hole in the wall, he´s starting to realize what is that for and what is that mean and his mind speeds up. 

  
"Yeah, I know about that night visits too," Yann says now. "But just because this idiot-" he points at Eliott "-doesn´t fucking know how to walk quietly at 2am."

  
"What can I say?" Eliott shrugs. "I don´t care about your fucking sleep." 

  
"Rude!" Idriss smashes Eliott to his back. 

  
"Damn rude, man," Yann shakes his head in dissapointment. Lucas is still half-hiden behind him, gripping his arm as Yann holds him there.

  
"Baby?" Eliott says, because apparantely he really doesn´t care about the boys being there, either. "You okay with that, right?" Lucas doesn´t fucking know what to say. It´s just that the noise and the ringing in his ears afterwards recalls unpleasant memories. "Wait, just give me a minute, I´m coming to you."

  
And with that, Eliott picks up the drill and gets to work again. It lasted shorter time than Lucas could think such a thing would. The walls are probably really from paper or what.   
And suddenly, Eliott walks through the hole in the wall - now huge, tall like Eliott and wider than his shoulders - right into Lucas´ room. 

  
"That was wierdly easy," Idriss huffs, looking around the hole at the mess all around. 

  
"Yeah, easy for you, because I did all the hard work," Eliott scoffs at him. 

  
"Fuck you, it´s not my wall and my boyfriend, anyways," Idriss flips him off. 

  
"Thank god," Eliott murmurs as he walks to Lucas, still hiden behind Yann. "Would you mind?" Eliott gestures to Yann´s arm bracing Lucas´ body. 

  
"Oh, yeah, sorry," Yann says and walks to the hole to Idriss, watching the damage. 

  
Lucas´ blue gaze finally focuses on the beautiful boy in front of him. Eliott takes off his protective glasses and smiles at Lucas, so pretty and softly. 

  
"Hi, baby," says Eliott and brings his hands to cup Lucas´ face. 

  
"Hi," Lucas smiles back at him and leans to the touch. Eliott leans down to kiss him, and he kisses him again, and again, and Lucas kisses him back, holding his forearms to steady himself, because he knows Eliott´s lips making him dizzy, like every-fucking-time. 

  
"So... you made a hole to my wall..." Lucas says once they´re apart. 

  
"I did," Eliott nods. "Look, babe, it´s just that... We´re sleeping in one bed together every night, yeah? Well, almost. I want it to be like that, because I love it like that, sleeping with you in my arms," Eliott circles Lucas´ waist with his arms. 

  
"Yeah?" Lucas says, waiting, because he sees Eliott is not done with his speech. And Lucas loves listening his voice. 

  
"Yes. So," Eliott continues. "I hate it, when I have to go to the living room and the hall and out of the door and across another hall, cold and scary, and then to your flat, across the living room and hall again to your room, when I miss you at 2am, you know?" 

  
Lucas nods. He hates that too. 

  
"And I hate that more when I´m not with you because I´m worried all the damn time when I can´t just come to check it out, if you´re okay or so..." Eliott´s voice is steady and calm, like he´d talking about weather, meanwhile Lucas´ heart´s beating so fast with such an amount of love.   
"And we´re together like... 70 days by today? And to move in together, I think, it´s like.. too soon?" Eliott frowns and says it as a question, like he´s not fully convinced if it´s true, and well, Lucas frowns too, because he thinks just the same. "So, it´s too soon to move in together, and boys would be dead without us and our cooking for them," Eliott smirks. 

  
"Hey now!" Idriss calls out and Yann chuckles. "I would be perfectly fine without it, thank you very much."

  
"Oh, shit, I forgot you´re still here," Eliott says and turns to them. "Can you just... leave us?"

  
"What?" Yann quirks an eyebrow. 

  
"Lucas is not only yours, Eliott," says Idriss, "we want him too."

  
"He _is_. He _is_ only mine."

  
"No, the fuck, not. Lucas, buddy," Idriss looks at him. "Tell him you´re not just his, tell him-"

  
"Get out," says Eliott. 

  
"Why would we-"

  
"Leave. We want some privacy," Eliott says and Lucas bites his lips to not smile at his tone. 

  
"Ungrateful bitch," Idriss murmurs and leave his place in the hole, which looks like wierdly-shaped archway. 

  
Once Yann and Idriss are both gone, Eliott turns to Lucas again. "Where was I?" he thinks a little and Lucas wants to remind him, but Eliott is just so cute, that Lucas just looking at him, looking and looking, at every creature of his pretty pretty face.   
"Right. So, I thought this would be great solution, because we can go to one another anytime we want. And we don´t have to walk across all two flats and hallway, hm?" he smiles at Lucas. "What you think?" 

  
"I think that-"

  
"And don´t worry, I´ll figure out how we´re gonna do that if we´ll want to be alone - not that I would be rather without you, not ever - so, what about, hm... curtains?" Eliott asks, looking at the hole. Archway. The door. Entrance. _Whatever_. Hole in the wall. "What you think about yellow?"

  
"Yellow curtains?" Lucas asks. Yes, he likes it. 

  
"Yes, it´s because you´re all sun and the yellow is just so fitting," Eliott smiles at him widely. 

  
Lucas blushes. "I like it a lot, Eliott, I think it´s perfect," Lucas says. "Perfect solution. You´re such a genius."

  
Now Eliott´s blushes. "I just want to be with you right in the moment I´d want to. So."

  
"What about our landlord?" Lucas asks because he can´t not to.

  
"What about him?" 

  
"Did he agree with this? Did he give you his permission?" 

  
"Um..."

  
"Eliott, did you ask him?" 

  
"Um... w-what?" 

  
"Did you ask the landlord if you can do the huge hole in the wall in his building?" Lucas says and he´s trying to control his smile, because of course Eliott didn´t ask. He never does. 

  
"Doesn´t matter," Eliott says. "Landlord left for holidays, anyways. We´re safe," Eliott kisses Lucas´ cheek. 

  
Lucas sighs. Then he brings his hand to Eliott´s hair, removes the white piece of wall from that. "You should go take a shower, I´m gonna clean up this mess meanwhile," Lucas waves his hand to the dust and wall-pieces on the floor.   
Eliott wraps his arms around Lucas´ waist, steps into his personal space. 

  
"What if I tell you I wanna to take a shower with you?" Eliott says, then he leans closer until his lips are on Lucas´ ear. "Remember the last time," Eliott whispers in low voice and Lucas´ hands grip Eliott´s t-shirt. "When we were running from the atelier in the rain, and then-"

  
"Yo, guys!" Idriss yells from the hole again. "Game night tonight, ready?"

  
"Get the fuck out of my room, Idriss!" Eliott yells at him. 

  
"Just asking a simple question, waiting for a simple answer," says Idriss, stands there and folds his arms on his chest. "So what?" 

  
"You´re asking just because you want us to make the muffins again, don´t you?" Eliott asks and rolls his eyes, Lucas´ chuckles. 

  
"That, or the brownies. You pick," Idriss shrugs, shameless. 

  
"God..." Eliott sighs and drops his head on Lucas´ shoulder. "I hate our friends."

  
...

  
ELIOTT

  
SATURDAY

  
Lucas? 

You mean Eliott´s BOYFRIEND Lucas?   
You mean the love of Eliott´s life?   
You mean the softest boy alive?  
You mean the most beautiful little angel in history of all ages?

  
Oh yeah, that´s him. The boy over there, whom Eliott´s watching adoringly for the past... Eliott doesn´t know... minutes? Hours? Days? _Years_? Whatever.  
Eliott can´t get enough of it. Of that sight. Of _Lucas_. 

  
It´s a game night. On saturday, because yesterday Sofiane was gone and they wanted to be all together. (Lucas wanted. He felt sorry for Sofiane not being there, so they all settled on saturday game night instead of friday. Just this one time. Just because Lucas´ puppy eyes, for sure.)

  
So here they are, all together, now.   
Boys talking and laughing and shit and Eliott just sits there, in the armchair in their living room, and he´s watching his boy. Lucas. Because Lucas is his boy, you know? _His_. Only his (whatever Idriss says).   
Lucas looks at Eliott in one moment, catching him watching Lucas, but Eliott doesn´t care, he smiles wider at him and then even more when he sees Lucas blushes. 

  
Eliott´s enjoying moments like this. And he´s enjoying every single second when he knows he´s going to leave Lucas for a few days, because boys want to go to Alex to Belgium and they didn´t accept any poor excuse from Eliott this time.   
Fucking Alex. He should be back by now, but no, he had to fall in love with Antwerps and extend his study time in there for another semester. 

  
So, boys bought cheap train tickets for the next weekend without asking Eliott if he agrees with that and then they just put it on the table with: _you should start packing._  
 _Fuck_. 

  
And of course, they _did_ ask Lucas about it, if he wants to go too, and what did he say?   
He said _no_. Because he feels wierd to go when he doesn´t even know Alex. 

So, Lucas staying here and Eliott has to go. And he hates it. Lucas said he´ll maybe go to visit his mom, so Eliott calmed down a little, but it´s not enough to prevent his worry about his precious angelic boyfriend, alone traveling to Lyon. 

  
He´s gonna lose his damn mind. For sure. 

  
...

  
FRIDAY

  
Eliott´s losing his damn mind. 

  
And it´s only fucking friday. That means they left yesterday evening to Belgium (boys literally _ripped_ Eliott away from Lucas, vulgary and violently, rude idiots) and Eliott can´t stand it, already. 

  
It´s friday evening and they are in the club, drinking belgic beer and talking to Alex´s friends from the dorm. There´s this boy, looking artsy and stuff, Eliott doesn´t fully remember his name... Slender? Sumber? Whatever. Well, this boy is here with _his boyfriend_ \- who has also funny name - and they are just so cute and sweet together and Eliott misses his Lucas. 

  
"Having fun I see," someone says, sitting next to him at the bar. Eliott looks up from his phone screen where is this sweet picture of Lucas, and sees the boy. He stares at him, because he can´t fucking remember his name. "We met at the dorm," the guy says. "Sander."

  
 _Ahhh, that´s his name._  


"Yeah. Eliott," Eliott says and nods at him. 

  
"I know," Sander chuckles. "So, what´s the cheery mood of yours?" 

  
Eliott snorts. "Sorry if I´m ruining the party," he looks around. Boys are wasted, laughing all the damn time while playing the darts. "I just miss someone here, that´s all."

  
"Miss someone?" Sander says. "Who?" 

  
"My boyfriend," Eliott says a little proudly, because it´s Lucas and of course he´s proud of him. He´s proud of having him. 

  
"I understand," Sander says. "That´s why I brought Robbe with me."

  
Eliott looks at Sander who´s watching Robbe, his boyfriend, talking to another boy with dark hair. 

  
"Why didn´t you bring him too? Where is he, anyways?" Sander asks and it´s pure curiosity in his tone. And maybe Eliott had already too many beers, because he feels like he´s gonna share his thoughts with this stranger to feel a little lighter for a moment. 

  
"He´s home, in Paris. Or maybe in Lyon," fuck, Eliott suddenly realizes he still doesn´t know if Lucas´ going to his mom or not. "He couldn´t come with me."

  
"That sucks," Sander says and pats Eliott´s shoulder. "I always feel better when Robbe is around. That´s why I´m taking him everywhere with me. His face is just so calming, you know?"

  
"Yeah," Eliott nods because _he knows._ Lucas´ face is... "Lucas´ face is beautiful," he says out loud. 

  
"Do you have a pic?" Sander says. "May I see?" 

  
"Yeah, sure," Eliott says and unlocks his phone again, finds that picture of Lucas´ cute angelic smile and hands it to Sander. 

  
"Hm... cute," Sander says after few seconds of watching that. 

  
"Who´s cute?" higher voice says next to them and there´s Robbe, wrapping his arms around Sander´s shoulders. 

  
"Eliott´s boyfriend," Sander smirks at his boy. 

  
_Fuck_. Eliott misses Lucas. 

  
"Oh, yeah? Your own boyfriend is not good enough for you?" Robbe says with raised eyebrow and hint of smile in the corner of his lips.

  
"Take a look," Sander says and shows Robbe Eliott´s phone. 

  
"Hm... he is really cute," Robbe says eventually. "His face is mostly eyes."

  
Eliott takes his phone back and looks at Lucas´ face. That´s right, Lucas´ eyes, so big and bright, the light of Eliott´s life. 

  
"Don´t worry, I like brown eyes more," says Sander and Robbe giggles and they kiss and Eliott is sad. He wants Lucas here with him. 

  
Fuck. 

  
"I´m gonna call him," Eliott decides and starts to standing up. 

  
"How long are you two apart? Since yesterday?" asks Robbe, amused smile on his face. 

  
"Um... yeah. So what?" Eliott is not ashamed he misses his boy. How can he not? Lucas is like a breath of a fresh air. He needs him. Eliott needs him to breathe freely. That´s what his friends don´t understand. That Lucas is not _just a boy_. Lucas is Eliott´s way how to keep his mind and heart sane. 

  
"Don´t you think you´re suffocating him?" Sander asks and Robbe smacks his arms. "Ow! What was that for?" 

  
"As you wouldn´t dragging me together with you literally everywhere you´re going," Robbe says and shakes his head fondly. Sander, sitting on the bar chair brings Robbe closer to him, between his legs and hugs him there, holding tightly. 

  
"You´re right, babe," Sander whispers. "It´s not my fault, you´re just too pretty for me to not want to show you around for everyone to see that you´re mine."

  
Eliott had enough. He stands up. "I´m going to call him," he says, doesn´t wait for the two say anything else and goes out. 

  
It´s cold. It´s January cold outside. Eliott doesn´t care. He´s slightly tipsy from four beers and he doesn´t care about that either. Eliott doesn´t know what time is it and again, he doesn´t fucking care, he just dials Lucas´ number and leans to the wall while waiting. 

  
"Halo?" says _not_ Lucas´ voice. "Eliott?" 

  
"Frankie?" Eliott straightens. "What the fuck? Why do you have Lucas´ phone?" 

  
"Because he´s sleeping," says Frankie, just like that. And before Eliott could ask, she adds "on my couch." 

  
"What? Why the fuck-"

  
"Calm down, jesus..." she sighs. "He was home alone, texting with Mel that you´re with friends in Belgium and he couldn´t go to his mom or whatever, I don´t remember, anyways, we invited him to our flat to hang out together and he fell asleep on the couch. Do you even know what time is it?" 

  
"No, don´t know don´t care," says Eliott, sad that he´s not there with Lucas and confused why he couldn´t go to his mom.

  
"Yeah, that sounds like you," Frankie chuckles. "But don´t worry, okay? He´s fine. The one you should be worry about is me... I´m fucking overhelmed."

  
"How so?" 

  
"Well, fuck-" Frankie stops and sighs again. "Melanie alone is too much sometimes, you know? Her sweet smiles and laugh what sounds like fucking jingle bells. And she... she smells like christmas cookies and her big eyes and pink cheeks and all, it´s... It´s too much."

  
Eliott giggles, because he´s sure he sounds like that when he´s talking about Lucas. 

  
"And now, Melanie _and_ Lucas? _Together_? I´m sorry Eliott but I´m melting. I´m fucking _melting_! I swear my heart is liquid now!" Frankie talks in hushed voice, probably not to wake up someone there, but Eliott hears all the emotions she´s trying to express. "He was just sitting there, on the couch, smelling like freaking cotton candy and those huge blue eyes sparkling like an ocean-"

  
"Frankieee," Eliott groans. 

  
"And now, he´s sleeping on the couch, cuddled with Mel, and, seriously, Eliott, his face looks so angelic, it´s-"

  
Eliott groans again. "Frankieee, stop!" He rubs his eyes. "I miss him so much, fuck."

  
"Can´t tell I blame you," she says. 

  
Then something runs through Eliott´s mind and he takes a deep breath to ask. "Do you think..."

  
"Yeah?"

  
"Do you think I´m suffocating him?" he says quietly and holds his breath while waiting for an answer. 

  
"Hm..." Frankie hums. "Suffocating how?"

  
"I don´t know... with that I want to be with him, like, all the damn time. I mean, I left yesterday evening and it´s been something over 24 hours and I can´t stand it. I can´t fucking stand it without him. I miss him. I hate I´m not there with him," Eliott sighs. "Am I... too much, maybe?" 

  
Frankie is quiet for a moment. 

  
"Eliott," she says then. "It´s so wierd because you just put my thoughts into words. It´s freaky, kinda. But I feel like this about Mel." 

  
"You do?"

  
"Yes, I mean... she means so much to me, you know?" 

  
Eliott knows. 

  
"And we moved in together like two weeks ago, so I see her every day, every morning and every night she´s sleeping in my arms and... it´s still hard for me when we´re apart because of school or because of something else, doesn´t matter. It´s still hard as fuck to not have her glued to my side." 

  
"And now, my dear, you put my thoughts into words.." Eliott says with smile. 

  
"You know what, I don´t think you´re suffocating him..." says Frankie eventually. "And not because that would mean that I´m suffocating Mel, not at all. But because I see Lucas, how he´s talking about you. How he´s looking at you, you know?" 

  
"Really?" Eliott feels the softness in his voice and he doesn´t care a bit that Frankie hears it and that she can make fun of him because of that. 

  
"Yeah, and, you know, as I said, he´s just the same as Mel. And I was talking about it with Mel, and she´s always one hundred percent honest with me. And she feels the same as I feel. She wants to be with me all the time too," Eliott hears smile in Frankie´s voice, and the fondness. "I still can´t quite believe she´s mine, you know..."

  
"I know."

  
It´s quiet for a while. Then Frankie laughs. "Oh god, look at us, Eliott. What a loosers in love we are."

  
Eliott laughs with her. 

  
Yes. Yes, they are. 

  
...

  
SUNDAY

  
When Eliott with boys come back on sunday night, Eliott doesn´t hesitate and hurry to take a shower after traveling. He misses Lucas. So fucking much. Three nights without him were hell. And not even the all-time texting help the empty feeling in Eliott´s chest. His hands were constantly reaching for something (or more specifically _someone_ ) and they ended up empty all the time. 

  
Eliott takes a quick shower, brushes his teeth and walks out from the bathroom. 

  
"You´re going to sneak into Lucas´ room, right?" Idriss says. "I can see it on your face. The Lucas look."  
Sofiane giggles. 

  
"Well," Eliott says, unbothered, because he´s thinking about Lucas´ body in his arms already. Or _still_. "Otherwise the hole would be useless, Idriss."

  
"He´s got a point," Sofiane says, amused. 

  
"Good night, lonely loosers," Eliott says, waves at them and goes to his room, quietly closes the door behind him. 

  
He walks to the hole and peeks in Lucas´ room, drowning in the dark. 

  
There´s Lucas, there´s his baby, lying on the bed on his side, his back turns to Eliott. He´s sleeping. Eliott stands there for a while and then he hears Lucas´ sigh and it´s done. Fucking _done_.  
Eliott walks through the hole to Lucas´ room, goes to his bed.   
He missed him.   
He needs him. 

  
Eliott looks at Lucas´ sleepy face, so vulnerable and adorable and so so so damn beautiful. Then he bends down and lies down, presses himself to Lucas´ back, burries his face to Lucas´ hair, smelling the sweet watermelon scent, arms hugging Lucas´ body, pulling him closer to his chest. 

  
Lucas inhales and sighs. "Eliott?" he whispers and Eliott kisses his hair. 

  
"Yes, it´s me," he whispers too and kisses him again on his shoulder and neck. "Hi. I missed you."

  
Lucas´ hands cover Eliott´s and he brings one of Eliott´s hand to his mouth and kisses him there. "Welcome home," Lucas says in sleepy voice. Another kiss on Eliott´s hand. "Welcome home, sweetheart," he says again. Eliott smiles to his hair, pulling him even closer. 

  
"I missed you," says Eliott again. "I missed you, my little angel."

  
Lucas murmurs something Eliott can´t understand, but what he does understand is that Lucas is tired and probably almost asleep again. So Eliott kisses his cheek and neck and pulls the duvet up and around them. 

  
"Sleep now, baby, good night," Eliott whispers to his hair. Lucas squeezes his hand and hums. And after few seconds, he´s sleeping again. Soft breaths escaping his lips, tickling Eliott´s hand in Lucas´ hold, and Eliott wouldn´t hear anything else rather than just this. Lucas. 

  
So before he falls asleep too, he whispers to the darkness "I´m so happy I have you here, with me."

And he is.   
Indeed, _he is._

  
...

  
LUCAS - 87 DAYS AGO

  
"Fuck! What the hell happened?" Melanie squeaks when Lucas walks into the cantine on monday and aproaches their table.

  
"Hi, Melanie, how are you?" Lucas tries.

  
"Don't you fucking- Lucas, what happened to you?"

  
Lucas sighs and sits next to her. She's watching him and waiting. Lucas knows he has no chance here.

  
"I kissed Eliott," he says the truth.

  
Melanie stares. "Y-you did?" Lucas nods. "And he.. He punched you?"

  
"What? No, god, no! He didn't!" Lucas says, terrified.

  
"Then what?"

  
"He... He kissed me too," Lucas says in small voice, still can't believe he really felt what he felt. His first kiss. His _first kiss_ with ELIOTT, the boy who hates him, and _he_ kissed _him_ back. What in the fuckin-

  
"I meant what happened to your face- wait _what_??? He kissed you?" Melanie's black eyes are wide and mouth open.

  
Lucas shrugs.

  
"So who did that?" she points at his face. "What happened?"

  
"Well I... I freaked out and ran and then I met wrong people I guess but-"

  
"You ran?" Melanie doesn't let him finish. "You ran away from the boy you pinning for so long right after HE KISSED YOU?"

  
"Yeah..." Lucas thinks about how absurd it might sounds to Melanie, but he can't. He couldn't. He can't let Eliott involved in his fucked up life. Now he sees it, clearly.

  
"Are you fucking stupid?"

  
"Hey! No!"

  
"Yes you are! The boy you´re in love with kissed you and you ran away! Pure stupidity!"

  
"No, it´s not! I´m not stupid!" Lucas says. "I´m only stupid because I even kissed him in the first place. I shouldn´t have done that." 

  
"Why not?" Melanie asks. 

  
"Because... I don´t deserve this. I don´t deserve him," Lucas says and gets sad, because Eliott is just... so... and Lucas is so...

  
"Listen to me, Luc, if anything, _he_ doesn´t deserve _you_ , okay?" Melanie says, looking into his eyes with her black ones, big and pretty. 

  
"No, Mel... he´s just... he´s amazing, you know? He´s enormly beautiful. And smart. And amazing. Talented. He´s just wonderful, you know?" Lucas says, sighs and put his face to his hands just to wince right in the next second, because his face hurts. 

  
"Is that right?" Mel asks and Lucas nods. "How you´re so sure? I thought you don´t know him because he doesn´t talk to you, like, at all..."

  
"I just know that. Trust me when I´m saying he deserves better."

  
"And you trust me when I´m saying that there´s nothing better than _you_."

  
Melanie is an angel, okay? Yes, she is. Yes, Lucas knows. Yes, he´s happy and thankful to have her. But that doesn´t change the fact that he can´t do that to Eliott. He won´t. 

  
"Just drop it, okay?" Lucas says in pleading tone. "Look, there´s your girl," he points at Frankie who´s just walking by and waves at them, because she´s too far and she also looks in hurry. 

  
Melanie looks like she wants to say something, but then she locks her eyes with Frankie´s and she visibly melts. 

  
"Ahhhh," she groans when Frankie dissapears behind the corner with blow-kiss to Melanie´s way. "She's so prettyyyy," Mel lets her head fall on the desk. 

  
"Aww, Mel, don't be sad, you're pretty too. Beautiful, I would say," says Lucas and caresses her back.

  
Melanie's head snaps up.

  
"I'm not fucking sad, Lucas, I´m gay."

  
"You're bi."

  
"Well I'm gay for her!"

  
Lucas chuckles. That hurts too. 

  
"So, what we're gonna do?" Mel says after a while. 

  
"Um.." Lucas says with mouth full of sandwith. Eating hurts too. "Eat lunch?" 

  
"Silly, I meant with you and Eliott," says Melanie. 

  
Lucas shakes his head with exasperated sigh. "There´s no me and Eliott." 

  
"And who´s fault is that, huh?" 

  
"Just leave it, Mel, please," he says and he will say it again if needed. 

  
Melanie sighs too, sadly. "Okay, if you say so..."

  
"Thank you."

  
And she did leave it. Until...

  
...

  
4 DAYS LATER

  
"Why you´re not going home, Lucas?" Melanie asks when she sees Lucas in the library on friday evening, sitting behind one table, eyes small and tired, staring at his laptop screen. 

  
"I need to study," he says weakly. 

  
"No, no you don´t. You´re smartest person ever," she says, sitting next to him. "Tell me the right reason."

  
"I already did!" he says and she makes knowing look at him, saying _stop bullshitting me._ "What are _you_ still doing here?" 

  
"I´m waiting for Frankie, she´s been working in atelier today. She´s late, but it doesn´t matter," Mel shakes her head. "Why are you still here, Luc? Seriously. You know I know when you´re lying to me," she points her index to him. 

  
"I´m not fucking lying..." Lucas tries and then he just... gives up. Whatever. "Eliott is in my flat."

  
"What? What is he doing there?" 

  
Lucas sighs. He has no other option than to tell her. So, be it. 

  
"Boys are gone, they left to Belgium on wednesday and Eliott doesn´t have keys so he´s staying in my flat. And yesterday he kissed me, like, _he fucking kissed me."_

  
"Oh my god, oh my god it´s happening, oh god!" Mel says and covers her mouth with her hands. "Stay calm, stay fucking calm, oh my god!"

  
"Shut up! Nothing´s happening!" Lucas hisses. She´s melodramatic. Lucas loves her. 

  
"What do you mean nothing´s happening?" Melanie put her hands back on the table and leans to him with a frown. "And be fucking careful what you´re gonna say to me, Luc, because it´s the second time that boy kissed you and you´re not with him. Are you..? No, tell me I´m wrong. Tell me I´m fucking wrong in this!" she shakes his shoulders. 

  
"Ouch! What? How can I tell you when I don´t know what you-"

  
"Tell me you´re not hiding here from him!" Mel studies his face carefully and she´s apparantely sees there something because she closes her eyes with frustrated sigh. 

  
Okay yes, Lucas is hiding here, because he doesn´t want to go there, go back to his flat and face Eliott. He thought they will talk this morning. But Lucas woke up too early, after what felt like few minutes of sleep and Eliott was right there, all beautiful and asleep, holding Lucas in his arms. And Lucas felt so safe. Safe in his embrace. And also scared, scared what´s gonna be next.   
So he got up, carefully not to wake him up, put on some clothes and left the room. He felt bad that Eliott felt like he had to be there with Lucas all night just because Lucas was crying. So he prepared some breakfast to Eliott. 

  
And here he is, hiding in the library. And he´s exhausted. 

  
"Mel-"

  
"Lucas, why are you doing this?" she asks in softer voice. "You deserve to be happy, you know? And something´s telling me that you could be happy with Eliott. If you just... let yourself." 

  
Okay but Lucas is _scared_. He´s scared, he doesn´t want to ruin someone´s life just because he´s selfish and in love-

  
"Hi, babygirl," Frankie comes to them and hugs Melanie from behind around her shoulders, kissing her cheek. "I´m so sorry I´m late. I guess I had pretty good motivation for my art project today." 

  
"It´s okay, babe," says Mel and turns her face to Frankie, so they kiss properly. Lucas closes his eyes and tries not to cry. Tries not to think about Eliott. Tries not to think about that feeling when his lips pressed to his own. Tries not to think about how much he wants to be with him and how much he shouldn´t be. 

  
"Hi, Lucas," Frankie says and Lucas opens his eyes. "You okay?"

  
"Hey," he says and clears his throat. "Yeah, I´m good."

  
"You don´t look like that," she says and frowns. 

  
"Go home, Luc," says Melanie and stands up, caressing his arm. "Go home. Talk. Let yourself feel it."

  
Frankie looks at her girl and back to Lucas and smiles a little. 

  
Girls leave and Lucas stays alone. There´s noone in the library. It´s friday, 8pm. Of course there´s noone. Just one fool, sitting here, hiding from the boy he´s in love with. Instead of healthy comunication.   
What an idiot Lucas is. 

  
He can´t do that. He can´t be with him. He can´t trap him like that with him in his fucked up life. 

  
Lucas feels the tears on his cheeks and he brushes them away.   
Fuck it. 

  
Another thing he feels is hand in his hair, on his face, and when he opens his eyes, there´s Eliott, smiling at him.   
He´s so beautiful. Lucas is stunned, again and again, everytime he sees him. It´s like he sees him for the first time. Or Eliott gets more beautiful with every passing minute. 

  
He takes Lucas´ stuff and then Lucas´ hand, leading him home.  
The feeling of Eliott´s hand holding Lucas´ is so good. So safe. That Lucas just takes his hand again, when they lay in bed together. 

  
But when he wakes up in the morning to the beauty of Eliott´s sleeping face, his sleeves are up and he sees his scars again. And he realizes, this is not for him. This is not for Eliott. 

  
...

  
11 DAYS LATER

  
"Wanna tell me something?" Mel says instead of greeting. 

  
"Like what?" 

  
"Well, I don´t know. Maybe something about you and Eliott?" she continues with innocent smile which grows every second. 

  
"Um..."

  
"My god! It´s happening! I saw you, Lucas, I saw you yesterday, when he came pick you up after classes, oh my goodness, he´s so cute!" 

  
Lucas smiles with that thought of Eliott. Because yes, he is really cute. 

The cutest. 

  
...

  
3 DAYS LATER

  
"I can´t wait to meet him!" Melanie squeaks after what Lucas told her about his and Eliott´s yesterday afternoon. "I can´t wait for him to hear all those embarrassing stories about you what I have prepared." 

  
"Yeah," Lucas smiles. He´s not afraid that Mel would say anything to Eliott. She´s loyal friend. She´s his best friend and she cares about him. Just as much as Lucas cares about her. 

  
"You´re so in love, oh my lord," she coys and giggles. Lucas smiles at her. He´s happy. He let it happen and he´s happy. And Eliott is wonderful. 

  
That afternoon, Eliott came to him to library to "study together" and Melanie finds them then like that, like, Lucas sitting on Eliott´s lap, arms around each other, foreheads pressed together. 

  
Her shit-eating grin doesn´t make Lucas mad. He´s happy she´s happy. He´s happy she´s smiling, because she´s so pretty and cute and nice. And Lucas loves to see her smile. 

  
...

  
3 DAYS LATER

  
"What you think you doing?" 

  
"What?" Lucas is taken aback because Melanie looks... mad? Is that only fake facade or is she really mad at him? "I didn´t do anything." 

  
"Damn you did!" she sits next to him. It´s monday afternoon and they have psychology class together. Their last class of the day and Lucas can´t fucking wait to see Eliott. "I saw you, in the library, on friday evening, if you don´t remember." 

  
"I remember," says Lucas. "And I wanted to thank you that you behave so good and nice, really-"

  
"Look. This is about something else," she takes a deep breath and Lucas waits. "Do you really think you can be all cute and shit together like that?" 

  
"Like what?"

  
"Me and Frankie, _us_ , we are the cutest couple here. And you two came and looking that adorable together?"

  
Lucas giggles. And blushes. "We´re not, stop it." 

  
"You are."

  
"Well, you didn´t see anything, yet," Lucas says and bites back the smile. 

  
After the class ended, he runs from the classroom and jumps up on Eliott, who was waiting outside - of course he was - and not because he wants to pissed Melanie even more (definitely _not_ because of that), but because he misses Eliott and he´s happy.   
He´s just so _happy_. 

  
...

  
8 DAYS LATER

  
"Are you okay, Lucas?" Melanie asks when the door closed behind Eliott and Frankie. "Were you hurt?" her eyes watching his face and Lucas wants to cry.   
She´s okay.  
She´s _alive_. 

  
"I´m so happy you´re okay, Melanie," says Lucas softly and holds her healthy hand on her hospital bed. 

  
"Thanks to you, Lucas," she smiles at him and in both her and Lucas´ eyes the tears sparkle. "So, tell me. You´re okay?" 

  
"I am now," he says. 

  
"Now?" 

  
"I... I lost my hearing for two days," he says. "The boy shot next to my ear, and I lost my hearing. I thought I´ll be deaf," his voice breaks and Melanie caresses his hand, then his face. 

  
"Oh god, Lucas, I´m so sorry," she says. "You´re okay now? You hear like before?" 

  
"Yes," he says in a whisper and swallows the lump in his throat. Melanie smiles like the sun she is. 

  
"I´m glad," she whispers back, stroking Lucas´ hair. "And Eliott? Everything alright?" 

  
"Yes," Lucas smiles. "He´s the best."

He is truly the best. 

  
"I don´t know what I would do without him, honestly, Mel, sometimes it´s too much for my heart to handle the amount of love I have for him." 

  
"I understand. The same with me and Frankie," she says and smiles fondly with that name. "She´s with me all these days. Taking care of me... I would lose my mind without her by my side, you know?" 

  
"Yes, me too, without Eliott. I don´t think I deserve him. And yet, he´s here, with me, for me, all the time."

  
Melanie smiles widely. Lucas smiles at her too. They brush their tears away. They´re gonna be okay. 

  
..........

  
ELIOTT

  
WEDNESDAY

  
Eliott goes with Lucas to double date with Melanie and Frankie. It was Frankie´s idea. She´s been calling Eliott again, after their friday phone-call. She called him on saturday, talking about stuff and shit, nothing important (it´s hard find something more important than Lucas for Eliott, to be honest), and then she said: _"Let´s go to that double date, as we were talking about in November."_   
Eliott frowned and said: _"I don´t fucking remember we would talked about something like that, at all."_ And Frankie said: _"Yeah, I was expecting nothing else from you,"_ and chuckles, then she said: _"I want you to feel the power of Mel´s and Lucas´ sunshine energy yourself. So, wednesday? Ice-cream bar?"_ Eliott said: _"Who the fuck is going to ice-cream bar in fucking January?"_ and Frankie got mad at him and said: _"Well, we are! Because my babygirl loves ice-cream and it happens I know that Lucas loves it too. So, wednesday, 4pm. Looking forward to see you all whipped around Luc. Bye."_ and then she hung up.

  
When Eliott told such news to Lucas on tuesday, despite the fact Lucas surely already knew, his bright smile burnt holes to Eliott´s eyes and he said: _"Oh my god, can´t wait to se Melkie again!"_

Eliott stared at him. _"Melkie?"_ he asked then. 

_"Yeah,"_ Lucas nodded. _"Melkie. Melanie, Frankie. It´s their ship name."_

 _"Ship name?"_ Eliott raised his eyebrows and smiled at Lucas, because, fuck, he´s so cute. 

_"I mean... they already calling us Elu, so..."_ Lucas shrugged, unbothered, bit to his blueberry muffin and then brought the sweets to Eliott´s mouth so he could take a bite himself. 

_"They calling us Elu?"_ Eliott asked with full mouth. Lucas reached his hand and brushed crumbles from Eliott´s lips. 

_"Eliott, Lucas. Elu,"_ he said. And even when he was acting all cool and shit, Eliott saw that he liked it. He loved it. A lot. And Eliott loved Lucas, so, that was it. 

  
So, here they are. In ice-cream bar with Melkie (god, nobody can know Eliott thinks about them in their ship name). 

  
"So, tell me, Eliott," says Frankie from across the table. They´re sitting in the box, Mel and Frankie on one side, Eliott with Lucas on the other. "Tell me, why there´s pudding emoji in Lucas´ phone next to your name?" 

  
Lucas giggles adorably and Eliott rolls his eyes. 

  
"It´s personal," says Eliott and smiles with that memory of Lucas, sleeping on his lap and Eliott, putting his number into Lucas´ phone with that caramel pudding emoji. 

  
"Like you wouldn´t have a yoga-girl emoji with my name in your phone, babe," Melanie giggles at Frankie, adorable, so much alike Lucas. 

  
Speaking of, Lucas giggles next to Eliott, bringing his attention back next to him. Oh god, he´s just... he´s everything. 

  
"Yoga-girl emoji?" Lucas says and giggles again, looking at Eliott and then back to the girls. "Why?" 

  
Frankie shrugs. "That´s because Mel bringing me so much peace, you know? She´s grounding me. She´s calming me. I think it´s pretty fitting emoji and I don´t fucking care about your opinion, Eliott," she points her index against him. 

  
"What?" Eliott says, fake offended. "I think it´s fitting, too! And it makes sense." 

  
Frankie´s watching him with a little frown. "What´s up with you? Why are you not mocking me about that?" 

  
Eliott shrugs. Lucas leans to him and kisses his cheek. The sweetest boy ever. 

  
"Well... gonna go take the ice-cream. Like usually, babygirl?" Frankie says and turns to Melanie. 

  
"Hm... surprise me today, pretty please?" Melanie says and smiles at her and seriously, Eliott gets it, Frankie is powerless with that look from Mel. Same for Eliott with Lucas. 

  
"Anything for you, love," Frankie says and kisses her. 

  
"I´m going with you," says Lucas. "What flavour you want, Eli?"

  
"Hm... strawberry," he says and Lucas nods and leaves with Frankie to the counter.   
Eliott´s looking after his boy, and Lucas looks so pretty and soft in his black slim jeans and grey sweatshirt. He´s so cuddly and soft soft soft. The softest boy alive. 

  
"You love him," Melanie says and Eliott turns to her. It´s not a question, but Eliott answers anyways. 

  
"I really really do." 

  
"You know, Eliott," Melanie says. "I´m just so glad it is how it is now, you know..."

  
"What do you mean?" Eliott asks, confused. 

  
"You and Lucas."

  
"Me and... me and Lucas?" 

  
"Yes, because," she takes a deep breath, then she sighs. "I was with him, since the beginning, you know? Well, almost the beginning."

  
"Beginning of what?" 

  
"Of him falling for you, more and more every day."

  
Eliott stares, taken aback. 

  
"And it makes me sad, sometimes, how low Lucas thinks about himself," she looks at Lucas, who´s talking to the girl behind the ice-cream bar.

  
"Low?" Eliott doesn´t understand... or... he does but he doesn´t want to. 

  
"Do you know he thinks he doesn´t deserve you?" Melanie says, looking at Eliott with those big black eyes of her. 

  
And Eliott doesn´t know what to think about that, because Lucas never told him such a thing. 

  
"He said that?" Eliott asks, his eyes land on Lucas, who´s smiling so wide and beautiful now, then giggles when Frankie says something - something stupid, probably, as Eliott knows her.

  
"Yes, he did," says Melanie. "And I just know it, from the way he´s talking about you."

  
Eliott´s eyes snap back to Mel. "H-how he´s talking about me?" 

  
"Like he can´t believe it´s true."

  
"What?"

  
"You and him. Together. That you want him as much as he wants you. That you love him like that. That you really actually want to be with him and you won´t leave him."

  
"B-but... but I _do_ love him and I _do_ want to be with him, more than _anything_ in my life-"

  
"Eliott," Melanie puts her hand on Eliott´s. "I know that, trust me. I´m just looking at you looking at him and I understand, I see it. Everything. Trust me, I know."

  
Eliott looks at Lucas again, then back to Mel. 

  
"You know I´m trying," Eliott says. "Don´t you think I´m not seeing it, how he makes himself small all the time, like he´s not worthy. But he _is_ , he _is_ worthy. More than anyone I´ve ever met in my whole life."

  
"I know, I get it. That´s what I think, too," Melanie nods, rubs her forehead, then she smiles softly, it reminds Lucas to Eliott. "I´ve never met someone like Lucas, you know," she says. "Someone so good, so caring and unselfish."

Eliott knows. 

"I was with him since the very beginning," says Melanie again. "He told me then you hated him so he had no chance with you, told me to drop it, to stop talking about it, but," Melanie shakes her head. "But he was still looking at you like that."

  
"Like what?" 

  
"Like you´d be something special - and don´t get me wrong, Eliott, I don´t doubt you really are special," Mel says and Eliott chuckles. "But, you know, Lucas came to school with fucked up face-" Eliott cringes with the memory "-and he looked _ruined_. Like, like he gave up, totally."

  
Eliott doesn´t know what to fucking think about it. His pure baby Lucas. He wants to go back and fix things. Fix everything. 

  
"So I dropped it, I didn´t pressure him about the topic. But that doesn´t mean I didn´t notice these looks of his, when you were passing by," Melanie continues. 

  
"What?"

  
"Yes, he was watching you, all the time when you were around, walking by, standing near with your friends, talking to someone, every time. He looked... _defeated_ ," Mel´s sad eyes burning to Eliott´s. 

  
"I don´t know what to say... I didn´t know. Mel, I swear. I didn´t know. And I´m trying to make it up for him, days like that, days before us," Eliott says. Because he is. He does. He wants. 

  
"I know, Eliott, listen," Melanie smiles. "Since you´re together... I never saw him happier. He´s so full of life. He´s the best person I know."

  
Eliott knows. He understands. Because Lucas is. He is the best person. That´s true. 

  
"And yet, he still thinks he doesn´t deserve this. Deserve you."

  
"What?" Eliott stares at her, then he looks at Lucas. "That´s _me_ who doesn´t deserve _him_ , and still, here I am, having him. I´m the luckiest."

  
"I think you deserve one another. You´re perfect for each other. Like Frankie and me," she looks at Frankie, standing next to Lucas, giggling with him now. 

  
"Yeah..." Eliott says and smiles sadly. "Wish we could convince him he deserves just the best from this world... Wish we could show him he´s worthy everything."

  
"Guess we just have to keep loving him," she grins and Eliott grins back. 

  
"Guess we have," he whispers. 

  
"Eliott," Lucas says as he comes back with a bowl full of icecream. "I´m so sorry I forgot what you wanted."

  
"It´s okay-"

  
"So I took everything."

  
Did Eliott say already how much he loves him? 

  
...

  
FRIDAY

  
"No, no, please, Lucas," Eliott makes his best puppy eyes on him. "You can´t leave me, it´s our 90 days anniversary today." 

  
"I swear I never met anyone who would count every single day like you," Lucas says, but it´s fond and he´s smiling. 

  
"What are you talking about? You´re counting too," Eliott says. 

  
"Shut up," Lucas murmurs and hides his smile to his scarf. And no, Eliott doesn´t have it. He loves Lucas´ smile. 

  
"Take care of yourself, okay?" Eliott says and circles Lucas´ waist by his arms. They´re on the train station, 9 days after the double date with Melkie (oh god, what´s happening with Eliott, using some ship name like that). Lucas´ going to visit his mom. Eliott learnt that last time when he was in Belgium, Lucas´ mom was in bad state of mind and the nurse called Lucas to cancel his visit.   
His mom is better now, so Lucas decided to go to see her.

To fucking Lyon. 

  
"Lucas, please, be safe, text me every minute, okay?" Eliott says, cups the precious face and looking into the most beautiful eyes in the universe. 

  
"I can´t text you every minute-"

  
"Promise me," Eliott says, leaving literally zero space for any arguments. 

  
"Okay," says Lucas as a whisper. "I promise." Eliott brings their foreheads together and closes his eyes. He needs to pumps in Lucas´ sweet smell and his body warmth and the feeling of his face in Eliott´s palms. He needs it to survive till sunday evening. Until Lucas will be back. 

  
Lucas sniffles. Eliott pulls away to see the tear falling down his cheek. 

  
"My baby," Eliott says softly. "What is it?" he brushes the tear away with his thumb. 

  
"I´m gonna miss you," says Lucas, looking down like he´s embarrassed about it. 

  
"I´m gonna miss you too, so much," says Eliott and pulls Lucas closer to him and hugs him, tightly, inhales the watermelon scent from his hair. "I´m pretty sure I won´t be able to sleep without you."   
Yes, Eliott is sure. 

  
"You need to sleep. We can facetime every night," Lucas mumbles to Eliott´s scarf. 

  
"Facetime is not the same as holding you for real," Eliott says, holding him tighter. 

  
In that moment, the train is there. Eliott takes Lucas´ bag and carries it inside, finding his seat and put it there, then he´s back out with Lucas, holding his face and kissing him. 

  
"Lucas please, be safe, okay?" he says between kisses. "You can call me anytime, day or night," he says, kissing him again and again. "I love you," kiss. "I love you," kiss kiss. "I love you, my little angel," kiss kiss kiss.

  
"I love you too," Lucas whispers. The train is ready to leave the station, Lucas has to go, now. His eyelashes are wet and Eliott is sure he starts crying any second, too. "I love you too, sweetheart," says Lucas as the door shuts close behind him. 

  
Eliott´s leaving the station and tearing up, when his phone buzzes in his pocket. He pulls it out and see the message from Lucas. 

  
**Lucas (8:40am):**  
 _Happy 90 days anniversary._  
 _I love you_ ♥

  
Eliott loves him. 

  
...

  
LUCAS 

  
SUNDAY

  
What a hell is time without Eliott. 

  
Lucas thinks he won´t make it, sometimes. 

  
His mom was alright, mostly tired, but she recognized him and it was good. They had a good time together. But Lucas misses Eliott. So much it hurts. He missed him all the time. They were texting like crazy, constantly, also calling every night, but it´s just not the same as having him for real, touch him and kiss him. 

  
So, when Lucas finally arrives home, he feels like he can breathe again.   
But it´s late. It´s so late, it´s after midnight already, so, it´s technically monday. Lucas misses Eliott. But he can´t wake him up just like that, can he? He can´t go to him and wake him up just because he arrived. 

  
Lucas walks into his room, quietly, because there´s the hole in the wall and he could wake Eliott. He walks to the hole ale peeks into Eliott´s room just to see him there, sleeping on his stomach. 

Lucas´ eyes are filled with water in a second, just because of that sight of sleeping Eliott.

  
Lucas goes to his bed any lies down, covers himself with his blanket, stares at the ceiling.

  
It´s cold. It´s cold without Eliott, without Eliott´s arms holding him, Eliott´s heartbeat calming his own, without Eliott´s breathing. Without his warmth. 

  
On the wall above his bed is this painting, which Eliott gave him for Christmas. It´s a little abstract painting of angel wings. And it´s beautiful. And Lucas loves that so much. 

Lucas lies there, staring into the dark, can´t fucking sleep.  
He can´t sleep without Eliott. Those two and a half nights without him were awful. He couldn´t sleep and he was tired during the days spent with his mom.   
Now, when he finally is in his own bed with Eliott right in the next room, he should be able to finally sleep. So why the sleep doesn´t coming for him?

  
Lucas sighs. 

  
He can´t do this. He can´t bother Eliott, who´s sleeping, he can´t go and wake him, just like that, because he feels like it, no? He can´t bother him like that...no?   
His body itching to go there, walk through the hole to his boyfriend, to be with his boy. 

  
And suddenly, when Lucas' lying in bed under the covers in dark room, staring at the cieling, he realizes it.

  
He realizes that, Eliott is his.

  
Eliott is _his_. And Lucas is _Eliott's_. And this is what people who belong together, do. This is what people in love do. And it's not bother, it's pleasure. It's pleasure for both sided, because they are in love. They _love_ each other. They care about each other not because they have to, but because they _want_ to.

  
Eliott is _his_.

  
"Eliott is mine," Lucas whispers to the dark with that realization, maybe because he needs to speak that out loud to be sure, to convince himself. But it's true, and Lucas' lips turn up with these words.

  
Lucas sits up on his bed.

  
Of course Lucas is Eliott's. And Eliott knows that, Lucas knows that he knows, because that's what Eliott keep telling him all the damn time, maybe he doesn't even think about that, when he says that.

  
_My boy_   
_My baby_   
_My love_   
_My angel_

  
That's what Eliott calls Lucas. _My my my._

  
Maybe Lucas should start doing that too, because Eliott is not going anywhere. He's with Lucas, and he will be with Lucas, because Lucas is his and Eliott is Lucas'.

  
"Eliott is mine," Lucas repeats and looks at the hole in the wall. He bites his lips not to laugh, because it's fucking funny, seriously. Eliott really made a huge hole to the wall just to be closer to Lucas.

  
Fuck. Lucas loves him so much.

Lucas stands up and quietly goes to the hole, peeks in the Eliott's room.

  
Eliott lies on his stomach, hugging the pillow under him, cheek smooshed to the fabric.

  
Lucas smiles fondly, because he loves him. And because Eliott is so beautiful. And because Eliott is _his_.

  
He goes to the bed and stands there for a little, watching sleeping Eliott like the biggest creep. (He´s not creep, he´s in love.) How peaceful his face looks. How his hair are messy in a different kind of way than they are during the day. How the duvet is not covering him whole, so Eliott is there with one leg covered and the rest of his body not. In grey t-shirt and grey sweatpants. The piece of bare skin on his back peaking above his waistband, where is his t-shirt slightly rolled up.

  
His boy. Lucas' boy. _Lucas' Eliott._

On Eliott´s night stand is this snowball what Lucas gave him for christmas. Inside of the snowball is a white angel with paint brush, standing in front of a small canvas on the stand. Watching Eliott´s face shining more than a christmas tree, when he unwrapped that from the paper, was priceless. 

  
Lucas slowly bends down, kneeling at the mattress and then he lies down, pressing his chest and stomach to Eliott's back.

  
Lucas lies there, on top of Eliott, presses a soft kiss to his neck and then he lies his head down between Eliott's shoulderblades, his hands hugging Eliott's sides.

  
Eliott shifts a little under Lucas and sighs.

  
"Lucas?" he whispers in sleepy voice.

  
 _Shit._ Lucas missed him. So much.

  
He doesn't respond, just caresses Eliott's sides and kisses his back.

  
"Baby?" Eliott says again, "Are you okay?"

  
It's a sudden thing. Lucas' breath catches in his throat and his closed eyes starts burning, out of fucking nowhere. He takes a deep breath and curses in his head that it sounds so shaky. He's embarrassingly emotional and doesn't even understand why.

  
"Sweetie?" Eliott's shifting under him until he lies on his back with Lucas still on top of him, but now from the other side, so Eliott can wraps his arms around Lucas. And that's what he does. So, Lucas reaches and embraces Eliott around his neck, burries his face between Eliott's neck and shoulder and inhales the caramel scent. It's Eliott. It's _his Eliott._

  
Eliott's holding him, gently caressing his back.

  
"What happened? Are you alright, my love?" Eliott whispers to Lucas' ear, kisses his temple.

  
_My love._

_Here it is._

  
"I missed you," says Lucas to Eliott´s skin. "So much."

  
Eliott exhales and his hold tightens. "Missed you too, my little angel," he says and kisses Lucas into his hair. "When did you arrive back home?"

  
"Like an hour ago, I guess," says Lucas to Eliott's neck, too afraid to look at Eliott that he might start crying for real. "I'm sorry for waking you up, I just-"

  
"No, I'm glad," says Eliott, rubbing Lucas' back, running his fingers through Lucas' hair. "I wanted to wait for you so badly, and I just fell asleep."

  
"Thank you," Lucas whispers, because he doesn't trust his voice anymore. "You can sleep now, if you don't mind me not letting go off of you."

  
Eliott scoffs and his breath tickles Lucas' ear. "I wouldn't let you let go off of me, anyways," he says and kisses the side of Lucas' face, right there next to his ear. Eliott brings the blanket up and covers Lucas' body and his own under him, create a warm soft cocoon around them.

  
They're quiet for a while and Lucas' trying to focus on Eliott's breathing to calm his own down.

  
He doesn't know why he's suddenly so emotional. Maybe because he didn't see Eliott for days and he missed him, so much it hurt. Maybe because Eliott is always right here and he feels like home. His arms feel like home. His hugs are the safest place in the world. Maybe because Eliott is here now, wonderful, like always. And Lucas loves him.

  
"Are you sure you're okay?" Eliott whispers after a while. Wierd how Lucas can tell the emotions in his voice, even when it's just a whisper. The love. The worry. The care. The understanding.

  
Lucas doesn't respond for a while and then he just said "I really love you, Eli."

  
Eliott is HIS, he can say whatever he wants, he can call HIS BOY however he wants, thank you very much.

  
"I really love you," Lucas repeats.

  
...

  
ELIOTT

  
MONDAY

  
It´s crazy how can Eliott miss Lucas when he doesn´t see him for a day.   
It´s crazy how can Eliott miss Lucas when he doesn´t hold him at night.   
It´s absolutely insane how much Eliott can miss Lucas when he doesn´t see him three days and two nights in a raw. It´s unbearable. 

  
It´s not the weight of Lucas´ body on top of his, what wakes Eliott. It´s the change of atmosphere in the room. It´s the smell. Pink sweet scent. It´s the peace and calm Lucas´ bringing with his presence. It´s the warmth what suddenly surrounds Eliott. 

  
Then, when Eliott blinks his eyes open, then it´s the weight of Lucas´ body. 

  
Eliott can tell there´s something odd with Lucas. Something´s going on. Eliott hears his breathing, shallow. He feels his heartbeat, fast. He feels his body, tense. 

  
"I love you too, my sweetest baby," Eliott says and brings his hand from under the blankets to stroke Lucas´ cheek. Lucas´ skin, so soft and smooth.   
Eliott uses his hand to cup Lucas´ face and pull away a little to see his face. He missed his face so much. And he also wants to see his expression to understand. 

  
Lucas´ eyes are closed. 

  
"Lucas?" Eliott says, caressing his cheek. "Lucas, look at me."  
Lucas takes a deep breath and opens his eyes, locks his gaze with Eliott´s.   
He looks tired. Tired and sad. Maybe... anxious?

  
"What´s going on, love?" Eliott asks. 

  
"Nothing," says Lucas but that´s a lie. Lucas brings his hand from around Eliott´s neck to his face and put his palm on Eliott´s cheek. 

  
They lay there, in their soft warm bubble, hands on the cheeks, searching in each other´s eyes. 

  
Lucas probably finds something in Eliott´s, because he speaks up again.

  
"I just really missed you, you know?" he says and Eliott nods, kisses Lucas into his palm, then holds his hand and kisses his inner wrist couple times. "Sometimes I feel like I have to suffocating you, because I want to be with you, like, all the damn time." 

  
Eliott smiles, because Lucas´ reading his mind again. Like he knows.

  
"And I came back with the thought of being in your arms again, and then I realized you´re already sleeping and I didn´t want to bother you and wake you up, but then I realized..." Lucas pauses and smiles a little. "I realized that I am yours, Eliott. I am yours, and, you´re mine," his smile widens. 

  
"I am," says Eliott and kisses Lucas´ forehead. "I am yours, Lucas, my love."

  
Lucas´ smile is bright inside the dark room. Bright and beautiful. 

  
"And I´m yours, too," he says and presses his lips to Eliott´s. "Only yours," Lucas whispers between kisses. 

  
They fall asleep like that, bodies pressed together inside warm cocoon from blankets, faces inch apart, hands holding one another. 

  
And when Eliott wakes up in the morning, the first thing he sees is Lucas, Lucas´ face. Lucas´ eyelashes, his nose, his lips and chin, his hair and his hand on Eliott´s heart.

  
The first thing Eliott sees in the morning is Lucas´ face and there´s nothing more in this world. 

  
Then Lucas´ eyelids flutter open and Eliott sees the endless blue. 

This is _everything_. 

Then Lucas blinks at him and smiles like a sun.

This is _love_. 

Then Lucas presses himself closer, kisses Eliott´s cheek and hugs him tightly. 

This is _Lucas_. This is _home_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: briallenko
> 
> LOVE YOU ALL. STAY SAFE.


	14. Bonus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Happy six months anniversary, baby."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah shit, here we go again.  
> Just like the annoying pimple on the face you want to get rid of, I´M BACK!
> 
> I´m sorry, seriously. I know I should just... drop it already, let them be happy and in love and just... I don´t know, leave it. I have so many ideas for new stories. And then, I just lay in my bed, thinking about what my babies Lucas and Eliott from Next Door doing.... And here we go again.  
> So many people texted me about this story... or in comments under my other stories they always mention ND too. And I´m so shocked that this story could have so big impact on people? Like... How is that possible? But also, guys, you´re not alone in that because this story means so much to me, too, actually. Really.  
> I MISSED LUCAS´ WATERMELON HAIR!
> 
> Okay, enough rambling or I´ll make myself emotional again. Hope you´ll enjoy. I promise this is the last chapter of this.  
> ♥

ELIOTT

  
They´re in the grocery store when it happens. 

  
It´s the time of the day when afternoon slowly turns into evening, sky is blue and orange and a little bit of pink around the west horizon. Eliott walks around the aisles with food, thinking about what they should get to have everything for the whole week (or two), because he doesn´t want to come back here anytime soon (Eliott doesn´t like grocery shopping... even if he has to admit that with Lucas it´s acceptable). 

  
But then he looks to the side and there´s Lucas, frowning at the little paper in his hand, reading the shopping list, again, his mouth silentely moving around the syllables.  
Eliott smiles at his side profile, because he loves him so much. 

  
These days it´s better and better, because it´s spring outside, everything is beautiful and still, the most beautiful from all, is _Lucas_.

  
...

  
LUCAS

  
They´re in the grocery store, standing in the line for the cash register (seriously, why is there so many people? Okay maybe not so many people but it looks like it because there´s only one fucking register open), when it happens. 

  
Lucas stands there with Eliott, both of them standing and waiting. Eliott´s hand drawing something on Lucas´ lower back over his t-shirt and Lucas lets himself relax with the touch. It´s so pleasant. So good. So nice. 

  
There´s this man in the line in front of them and Lucas has this feeling like he´s looking over his shoulder at them - at Lucas and Eliott, here and there. He´s middle aged man in black heavy jacket, which is wierd, because it´s surprisingly hot spring day outside, and it´s warm air in the store, too. 

  
Lucas doesn´t like it. Why he keeps turning to them? It´s obvious that he´s trying _not_ to be obvious. But he is. Lucas notices. Or, or he´s just paranoid? He should ask Eliott if he notices too. 

  
But in that moment the man turns his upper half to the side and slides with his right hand under his open jacket. 

  
He´s taking there something, he´s pulling something out. 

  
_Oh god oh god oh god_

  
Lucas panics. Memories from the library, which he was trying so hard to lock down, come back to his mind and he panics. 

  
_It´s happening_. It´s really happening, _again_. How bad luck Lucas can have in his life?

  
_He has a gun he has a gun he has a gun_

  
Fuck _no_

  
_Eliott is here, please, no no no, not when Eliott is here._

  
Lucas feels the sweat on his forehead, on the back of his neck. Wave of heat runs through his body and his heart starts racing like crazy. Like it wants to yell where the target is. _Righ here! Right here, in Lucas´ chest!_

  
Lucas feels sick. He sees it all in slow motion. The man pulling his hand out of the jacket and Lucas´ eyes go wide with shock and fear, Eliott´s hand on his shoulder.

  
"Lucas, are-"

  
"Watch out!" Lucas yells and steps backwards, his back encounter with Eliott´s chest until Eliott collides with the aisle behind them. Lucas´ hands holding Eliott´s sides and he´s trying to reach with his body over Eliott´s bigger one to protect him against the bullet. 

  
They´re staring. 

  
People staring and the man in black heavy jacket stops his motions, in his hand his wallet.   
He´s... he´s holding his _wallet_. 

  
People staring, Lucas´ heart beating like crazy. The silence is awful. There´s still playing music in the store from the reproductors in the ceiling, but Lucas´ ears ringing. He´s panting. 

  
"Lucas?" he hears the voice behind him, right next to his ear, and he startles. 

  
"Are you okay, young man?" the man in heavy black jacket asks with slight concern in his brown eyes. 

  
_It´s okay, it´s okay, no gun here, no shooting. Eliott is safe. You can let go now,_ Lucas repeats in his mind and he looks around over all the faces one more time, before exhales heavily. 

  
People return to their previous activities and Lucas feels these hands on his shoulders, warm and familiar. 

  
"Lucas?" Eliott says. "Baby, you alright?" 

  
Lucas takes one hesitant step forward and rubs his eyes with the back of his hand. Then he turns to Eliott, who´s watching him with a lot of worry and also a little fear.   
Fuck, he scared Eliott. 

  
"Y-yes, sorry, I-I´m-" Lucas shakes his head, he doesn´t know what he should say. That he thought the man has a gun and wants to shoot them all? It sounds insane. _Lucas is insane._

  
The man still watches him. "Everything alright?" he asks again when Lucas looks at him. 

  
"Yes, I apologize, sir," says Lucas quietly, his voice sounds a little choked up.

  
"No, no, no problem, don´t worry," the man says and turns back to the line, putting his things on the cash register. 

  
Lucas takes a deep breath. He feels the sweat on his back and neck, and his forehead itches. How can he still be so fucked up, since december?  
Actually, he keeps going to Natalie, Eliott´s therapist, and he started doing better. He´s not okay, but he´s _better_. He did a huge progress since december - or at least that´s what Natalie always telling him. And he trusts her. And there´s Eliott, who´s supporting him all the time. Sometimes, they go to Natalie together and all three of them talking about stuff.   
His last nightmare was two weeks ago, so that´s huge success too. And now, they go to grocery store just for him to freak out and make a fool from himself in front of strangers. 

This is just _great_. 

  
"Sweetheart," Eliott says softly, reaches his hand and touches his forearm. "What happened?" he asks, his eyes searching in Lucas´ face. He reaches out and brushes the sweat from Lucas´ upper lip with his thumb. 

  
"No, no, nothing, I´m-" Lucas stops. Then he tries again. "Sorry, I don´t know what I-"

  
"It´s okay," Eliott says and smiles at him.

  
They´re silent their whole way back to the flat. Lucas doesn´t know what to say and Eliott maybe neither. Or he doesn´t want to push on Lucas and Lucas appreciates it a lot. 

  
They open the apartment, Lucas put the bags on the kitchen counter and goes to his room.  
He feels like he´s losing his mind. He´s paranoid.   
Lucas remembers that his mom was paranoid a lot back then, before they found out she´s schizophrenic.   
Fuck.   
_No_. 

It´s _here_.

  
...

  
ELIOTT

  
"Is he alright?" Arthur asks when he, Yann and Eliott watching Lucas leaving to his bedroom. 

  
"Did something happen?" Yann frowns and looks at Eliott. But Eliott doesn´t know. He shakes his head. 

  
"I don´t know," Eliott says, helpless. It´s obvious that something happened in the store and Eliott didn´t notice. He didn´t see anything unusual back there. Lucas suddenly jumps and pressed him into the aisle. It looked like he was trying to make a human _shield_ from himself.   
It scared the hell out of Eliott. 

  
Shield against what?

  
"I don´t know," he repeats now. Arthur and Yann start to look worried. "I´ll find out," Eliott says and goes to Lucas´ room. 

  
Lucas is there, marching around the room here and there, mumbling something. 

  
"Lucas?" Eliott says and closes the door behind him. Lucas´ head snaps to him. His eyes are so blue and so huge. "What´s going on, love?" Eliott says and takes a step or two to Lucas, slowly, like he would be afraid he´d scare him. And, maybe, he is. "Tell me," he adds and holds Lucas´ hands. They´re shaking.

  
"I thought-" Lucas chokes out. "I t-thought he has a g-gun," he says and his eyes fill with water. Eliott freezes. "I thought he has a gun," Lucas says again, his hands shake harder. 

  
"Who?" Eliott asks. 

  
"T-the man in the line ahead," Lucas says. "I thought he´s pulling out the gun from his jacket and that he-he´ll shoot... I was afraid he´s going to shoot there and you were right _there_ and I couldn´t let him shoot on you and-" he takes a deep breath, blinking fastly not to cry. 

  
So he really _did_ trying to shield him with his own body.  
This pure boy.   
Pure pure boy. 

  
"I... I t-thought he had a gun but.. But he didn't, Eliott, he didn't."

  
Eliott's watching Lucas´ pale face. His eyes jump from one thing to another, Lucas can't focus his gaze on one subject even for one second. Eliott can see it, because he knows, now, that Lucas is panicking.

  
He saw a few (or more than just a few) panic attacks with him since he knows him.

  
"And, and, and he didn't have a fucking gun, he didn't do anything wrong, he was just reaching for his wallet, you know," Lucas rambling, holding Eliott's t-shirt in his clenched fists. "H-he just wanted to pay for his stuff and I thought he was gonna shoot us and I'm... I'm paranoid, Eliott, I'm paranoid and she was also paranoid before we knew so I suppose it's here. It's _here_."

  
Eliott doesn't understand. He's not making any sense to him. 

  
"Baby, calm down, what are you talking about? Who was paranoid? Before what?"

  
Lucas' eyes seem bigger as he whimpers "My mom," in broken voice.

  
Oh.

 _Shit_.

  
"She was also very paranoid and then we learned she's schizophrenic," Lucas says. "It's here for me now, too, Eliott, the schizophrenia."

  
"No," Eliott says. _No_.

  
"I told you," Lucas says. "I warned you," he shakes his head. "You didn't listen. And look at me now. Paranoid piece of cr-"

  
"Lucas," says Eliott, holding his face. "You´re not schizophrenic because of paranoia. You're paranoid because you went through hell and it's called post-traumatic stress."

  
But Lucas doesn't listen to this. He made his mind, apparantely. Shaking his head furiously.

  
"No, no, no, it's here, I know it, I knew it, it's here, it's here," he repeats like a mad man.

  
"Nothing is here," Eliott repeats and holds his face. 

  
"But-"

  
Eliott shakes his head, holds Lucas´ face and kisses his forehead. Kisses his forehead again. And again. He´s doing that to remind Lucas that his mind is wonderful and flawless. 

  
"Nothing is here," Eliott whispers, put Lucas´ head on his shoulder, caressing his cheek with his thumb and wraps his other hand around him. "Nothing is here, sweetheart," he repeats, swaying them slowly from side to side. Lucas´ breath is shallow and shaky, but he wraps his arms around Eliott´s waist, so that´s a good sign. "Don´t be afraid, angel, you´re okay, you´re fine."

  
Lucas takes a deep shaky breath, lifting his head from Eliott´s shoulder. "I need to go, I need to go to-to.. to hospital. For tests. For tests with my brain, because they said 43%, but it´s higher, it´s definitely higher. They need to do those tests again," he´s speaking fast, looking at Eliott and then to the door and then to the window and back to Eliott.   
Eliott can literally feel his anxiety all around the room. He cups Lucas´ face again. 

  
"You hate those tests," says Eliott softly, brushing Lucas´ dry cheeks. He doesn´t cry. His eyes are little glossy and little dozy, but he doesn´t cry. Eliott doesn´t know if he should be proud of Lucas for controlling himself like this, for being so strong, or if he should be terrified that Lucas doesn´t showing all those emotions like he always did and instead of it he´s holding it all inside. 

  
"I need to do that, I can handle it, I´ll be back soon," Lucas makes a move to leave, takes two steps to the door before Eliott catches his hand. 

  
"Lucas, stop it, you´re not going anywhere now," he says and pulls Lucas back to him. "Focus on me, baby. Focus on me," Eliott says and Lucas looks him in the eyes, finally, finally gazing to one spot instead of thousands. "We can go tomorrow, together, okay? I´ll go with you, I promise, if that´s what you really want, yeah?" Eliott´s watching his face. He´s so pale. Eliott is a little afraid he´s going to faint. "Lucas, you hear me?"

  
Lucas nods. "Yes, yes, but... but what about-"

  
"Shhh," Eliott pulls him closer and put Lucas´ head to his chest again, so he can hear Eliott´s heartbeat and calm down. "It´s fine, don´t worry," Eliott says softly, swaying them from side to side slowly like they would be dancing. "You know what I was thinking about?" he asks and Lucas hums, his arms wrapped around Eliott tightly. "I was thinking that it´s May the first, we should do something nice, you know?"

  
"We were already in park and kissed under the flowering cherry tree in the morning," Lucas mumbles to Eliott´s t-shirt. Eliott smiles. 

  
"Yes, that´s true, but I was thinking that we can make some good dinner together, you know?" he caresses Lucas´ cheek and neck and feels how his breath slowing down. "We can light up some candles and take a bath together, you know? Boys will be gone for the night, I think. Idriss told me that."

  
Lucas hums again. "Bath with candles?"

  
"Mhm... Dinner with candles, bath with candles, everything with candles," Eliott says and he thinks he feels Lucas´ lips twitching up. "Candles are always good idea, don´t you think?"

  
"Yeah..." Lucas says softly, his eyelashes tickling Eliott´s neck. "I don´t have any candles..." his voice is muffled when he presses his mouth to Eliott´s collarbone. 

  
"I have many candles, don´t worry," Eliott grins. "Hm, levandere one, vanilla, cinnamon, caramel, rose... which would you want? Oh, and also one what smells a little like a bacon."

  
Lucas giggles, his breath tickling Eliott´s skin. Eliott smiles wider. "Bacon candle?"

  
"Yeah."

  
"You have bacon candle? Are you serious?"

  
"Yes, Sofiane and Idriss gave me that for Christmas," Eliott explains. 

  
"That explains a lot," Lucas mumbles and Eliott laughs. 

  
"Okay, let´s go cook," he says and drags Lucas to the kitchen. 

  
...

  
LUCAS

  
Cooking with Eliott is another form of therapy for Lucas. 

  
Seriously, Eliott makes everything better. Not just the food - because both him and Lucas are actually great cooks - but just simply everything. Everything in Lucas´ life. It´s so strange to have someone like this. Lucas wasn´t used to have a person who is so stable, so present, so loving and caring and who is just _there_ with Lucas, all the time. 

  
And then he met Eliott. And it was hard for Lucas to accept it, at first, because even when he was really enjoying every minute with that wonderful person, it was always there, the fear, in the corner of his mind, in the corner of his heart, it was always there, present, the fear of Eliott leaving him one day. The fear cost by his father´s behaving when Lucas was a kid, how, when Lucas shows a little bit of weakness or sadness or actually anything else than positivity and smiling face and happy mood, Eliott wouldn´t like him that much. 

  
Yes, he realized that he and Eliott got together literally after Lucas´ breakdown, but any rational thinking is not in place in this case. So the little fear was just still present. 

  
Then he started coming to Natalie and he told her about this. They talk a lot, about everything and he started to feel better and better and more in ease with everything, because it´s been _months_ and Eliott was still there, still by Lucas´ side, looking at him still the same way with loving eyes and beautiful smile. 

  
Eliott makes everything better. Lucas learned to accept that he has him, now, in his life, like something constant. It´s not that everything was only about Eliott, of course, Lucas has his own life and Eliott his own, too. They´re going to school and they´re sleeping both in own bed (not very often, because Eliott neither Lucas can ignore the huge welcoming hole in the wall connecting their rooms). But saying goodbye when Eliott goes to his parents or Lucas to his mom is still one of the hardest things they do. 

  
Eliott is constant. Eliott is there. And Lucas, Lucas sometimes just looks at him and thinks, _how can I be so lucky?_ And then, Eliott´s eyes meet his and Eliott smiles, takes Lucas´ hand in his and kisses it and says out loud, "how can I be so lucky?" and Lucas could swoon on the ground. 

  
Lucas learned (and still learning) that Eliott is not going anywhere. Lucas is trying to accept that, because even when it maybe sounds stupid or ridiculous, for Lucas it really was and maybe still is hard. He was always all alone. Now it´s... it´s this boy who is with him, all the time. Well, every time when it´s possible. 

And whatever Eliott´s saying, truth is that Lucas is the lucky one. 

  
...

  
They cook and they eat, candles on the kitchen table (Eliott _thank god_ left the bacon one in his drawer and so they have the levandere here), smiles throwing one way or another across the table full of meal, and they even baked some cake with ton of chocolate and strawberies to eat later. 

  
Eliott keep telling Lucas some stories from school or art workshop or from the time last year when Lucas wasn´t here yet. It was ridiculous how boys were doing before or how Eliott talks about them and how totally different they are with Lucas. He knows all of them only as caring kind friends, and now he´s hearing they were problematic trouble-causing group of idiots - according to Eliott.   
But it´s funny and Lucas welcomes the laugh with pleasure. 

  
See, Eliott makes everything _better_. 

  
...

  
"You can lay on me now," says Eliott from behind him and pulls Lucas closer, and Lucas goes, of course he does, lies down and presses his back to Eliott´s chest, bare skin on bare skin, and shivers. 

  
The bath is nice and warm and there are candles and pieces of fruit in a bowl and music plays softly from the speaker and it´s so nice, that neither of them mind that the bath is a little too small. 

  
They don´t care. At least, they can be closer to each other. 

  
Lucas lies there on Eliott, head on his shoulder, Eliott´s heart beating behind the back of Lucas´ neck. Lucas sighs and closes his eyes, his fingers running up to Eliott´s knee and down over his thigh under water.

  
"This is nice," says Eliott softly, his hands caressing Lucas´ arms and shoulders and chest down to his stomach. 

  
"You´re nice," says Lucas, snuggles his face to Eliott´s neck under his jawline. Eliott kisses the tip of his nose. 

  
"And you´re beautiful," says Eliott, kisses his cheek. 

  
"And you´re stunning," says Lucas. 

  
"And you´re gorgeous," says Eliott and Lucas can hear the smile in his voice. 

  
"And you´re the bestest from the best," says Lucas and giggles when Eliott sighs. 

  
"And you stop it," Eliott says, hugging him tightly around his chest, pressing him closer. 

  
"Yes! I won!" Lucas says and Eliott laughs and splashes on him some water. "Pfff," Lucas sputters and Eliott laughs harder. Lucas straighten himself and turns to Eliott. "That´s how we playing this?" He asks with raised eyebrows and Eliott nods, biting his lip. 

  
"It looks like that," he says and Lucas turns to him completely, leans to the other side of the bath, opposite to Eliott who frowns with the distance. 

  
"Okay then," Lucas says and splashes water on Eliott. He gasps and splashes water back. And then there´s real water war. Waves of soapsuds water falling to both of them and also everywhere alse, they´re laughing and waving their hands to attack each other with droplets and Lucas feels more happy than ever in his life. 

  
"You look like wet puppy," Eliott says when they calmed down and giggles. 

  
"You look like half-drown kitten," Lucas smiles. "Come on, I´ll wash your hair, they´re wet already, anyways."

  
Eliott willingly leans closer and Lucas too, wraps his legs around Eliott´s hips and washes his hair, massaging the skin on his head with round movements, gently and long enough for Eliott to enjoy it. It´s obvious he likes it, because he´s smiling with closed eyes all the time and time to time he hums contently or presses kiss to Lucas´ shoulder. 

  
Eliott washes Lucas´ hair then, too. He´s making funny soapsuds hairstyles with Lucas´ hair with shampoo and laughs like crazy and Lucas can´t even be mad at him, because he´s so adorable. (Also he maybe joins to this activity and makes crazy hairstyles from Eliott´s hair, too.)

  
And Lucas is really happy like this, with Eliott in his arms, laughing, full of joy. And for a moment he forgets the event from the afternoon in grocery store. 

  
...

  
ELIOTT

  
Sleeping in Lucas´ proximity is definitely one of Eliott´s all time favourite things ever. Maybe the most favourite from all. Falling asleep with the warm beautiful body pressed against his, with the sweet sweet scent all around, with the sight of Lucas´ beautiful face. With those arms around him. With the sound of the boy´s breathing. Those moments Eliott feels the enourmous amount of love in his heart the most, he also feels the most in peace and the most alive, even when he slowly falling into the world of dreams. 

  
He wasn´t prepare for this dream to happen in his mind. 

  
He wakes up in the middle of the night, sweaty and cold and absolutely terrified. 

  
There was this boy, faceless, running and running, screaming for help and nobody was there to help him. No, no, Eliott was there. But he couldn´t help him, he was trying, he called at him _hold my hand! Hold my hand I´ll help you! I´ll save you!_ but the boy didn´t hear him. And if he did, hear him, he couldn´t reach him. He was running and it wasn´t fast enough. He was screaming but it wasn´t loud enough. What was loud, on the other hand, was the sound of shooting from afar. The boy was turning back constantly while he was running and the sound was louder and louder and louder and he screamed desperately and when he was finally close enough to catch Eliott´s hand, loud bang echoes the space and boy fell down to Eliott´s feet. 

  
Eliott wakes up with loudly beating heart, heaving chest, out of breath, panting. 

  
"Eliott, Eliott, shh..." Lucas, Lucas next to him, sitting on the bed, rubbing Eliott´s arms, stroking his face. "It was just a nightmare, it´s okay," he repeats it again and again, cupping Eliott´s face.   
Eliott´s watching his worried face, he reaches his hands and pulls Lucas closer to him and hugs him, sniffles to his watermelon hair. 

  
_Oh god, he´s safe. He´s here. It´s okay._

  
"It´s okay," says Lucas, rubbing Eliott´s back. "You scared me, you were screaming. What was that?" he asks in quiet voice and Eliott tightens his arms around him. 

  
He´s not sure if he can tell him. He can´t tell himself what was the breaking point for him to bring such a nightmare. He wasn´t manic, he wasn´t depressed, they have the best evening and even better falling asleep. And still...

  
Probably the afternoon events in the grocery store. Maybe, maybe terrified Lucas brought the memory of december back. Of course Eliott is afraid about Lucas! It´s not like when the december is over, the fear is over too.   
No, no way.   
Every time they go apart, every time Lucas goes somewhere where Eliott can´t go with him, he´s afraid of letting go of his hand, letting him go off of Eliott´s sight. When Lucas doesn´t respond his text in five minutes, Eliott goes crazy with worry.   
He told as much Natalie at one of his therapy sessions. But he still can´t learn how to not feel this fear everytime they are not together. It´s addiction, okay, yeah, whatever. Eliott doesn´t care. He can´t imagine how addiction on Lucas could be bad. 

  
Eliott sighs to Lucas´ shoulder and his breath is calm again. He now feels Lucas´ heartbeat against his chest, fast and unsteady. He pulls away and presses their foreheads together. 

  
"I´m sorry for scaring you," Eliott whispers into the space between them. 

  
"No, no, it´s okay," says Lucas but Eliott knows he did and Lucas just doesn´t want for Eliott to feel bad and he loves him for that a little more, if that´s possible. 

  
"Just a bad dream," says Eliott and lies down again with Lucas´ in his arms. 

  
"Wanna tell me what was that about?" Lucas asks, caressing Eliott´s cheek. Eliott loves how Lucas just offering he would listen Eliott but giving no pressure if he doesn´t want to talk. 

  
"Just running and couldn´t reach the destination," Eliott says after a moment of silence. He doesn´t tell Lucas about the shooting. Not when Lucas was doing so good lately, fourteen days without nightmare, which is really success. 

  
"I know that one," says Lucas and sighs. "It´s okay now, it´s okay."

  
Lucas lies on his back, pulling Eliott to him until he lies on his chest. Lucas runs his fingers through Eliott´s hair, strokes his back, kissing his forehead and Eliott´s mind slowly swims back into the sleep, calm and sweet and dreamless. 

  
...

  
"Happy six months anniversary, baby," is the first thing Eliott hears in the morning, words whispered into his ear with the softest voice ever, in the very moment his eyelids flutter for the first time. His mind is not fully waked yet, and still, this makes him smile and he blindly reaches around him until he touches Lucas, snuggling closer to him and his warmth. 

  
And then, he realizes. 

  
It´s their six months anniversary today, it´s May 2nd. His eyes snap open and there he is, Lucas, looking more breathtaking than ever before. It´s impossible to be more beautiful with every new day and still, Lucas is here, breaking every law of all human possibilities. 

  
"My goodness," Eliott says and leans to kiss Lucas hardly on his lips. "Happy six months anniversary!" he mumbles, kissing him again. "I love you, I´m so happy, thank you, my gosh I don´t know what to say anymore, just-" he pulls a little away, looks into Lucas´ heavenly blue eyes, sees his amused fond smile. "I just love you, so much, I couldn´t be happier even if I tried." 

  
Lucas giggles and pulls Eliott down into another kiss with his hand around Eliott´s neck. 

  
"Okay, okay," Lucas mumbles after some time. "Okay, let´s get up, we have so much to do today, let´s get started, it´s already nine." 

  
"What? What we have to do today? I thought... I thought we can celebrate here, you know," Eliott says and smiles and pats the mattress. "Like, we can just.... celebrating... all day long, you know... what?" he says when he sees Lucas´ amused unimpressed expression. 

  
"I have plans, let´s go," Lucas says and gets up even when Eliott tries to pull him back down. "I promise you´ll love it," he says softly and leans back down to kiss Eliott one more time. 

  
...

  
Lucas doesn´t talk about the previous day, neither about going to the hospital for brain tests, so Eliott doesn´t pointing at it either. Lucas seems okay and in a very good mood, he drags Eliott to the bathroom, they brush their teeth, freshen up go to change their clothes and then Lucas dissapears into to hole to his room only to come back a minute later with travel bag almost bigger than him. 

  
"What is that?" Eliott´s eyes go wide and he laughs a little. 

  
"There´s everything we will need, don´t worry. I didn´t forget anything, I made a list," Lucas says, and walks past Eliott to the front door. The bag looks heavy and one moment it looks like Lucas just fall backwards with the weight, but he manages to handle it. 

  
"Let me help you, baby," says Eliott and takes the bag from him. "Jesus fuck! What is in there?" he gasps. 

  
"Gimme that," Lucas sighs and bites back his smile. "Each for one handle, come on," and they do it, both of them hold one handle and they walk out of the door to the street. 

  
It´s May, it´s spring and it´s a little too warm weather at 10am. It feels like end of the June, actually. 

  
"What about breakfast?" asks Eliott after three minutes of walking. He didn´t ask about where are they going, because he trusts Lucas. He didn´t ask about what is in the bag anymore, because he trusts Lucas. But food? He´d be asking about food, always. No matter what. 

  
"Here," Lucas points at the coffee shop. "I´ll get you coffee, okay?" Lucas says as they put the heavy bag on the ground. Eliott nods and stays there until Lucas comes back with cup of coffee and chocolate muffin for Eliott and cup of green tea for himself. 

  
"I love you, you know that?" Eliott asks with mouth full of chocolate muffin. "It´s not as good as yours, but it´s still delicious." Lucas smiles and brushes the crumbs from Eliott´s lips. 

  
"We need to buy some snacks," Lucas says as they emptied their cups and they go to small grocery shop next to the café. 

  
Lucas said "some snacks" but they actually buy so much food they could live from it for a week. Lucas and Eliott put it into their backpacks and they continue to the train station. 

  
Now is Eliott really curious. But he doesn´t ask. He can be patient, when Lucas is just there beside him. The only thing Eliott is not patient about is when he doesn´t have Lucas around him. He sees him now and he´s happy. 

  
They go on a train, sit opposite to each other and Eliott´s watching Lucas watching the land behind the window. After a while (Eliott doesn´t count because he never has enough of watching Lucas´ face, seriously) Lucas pulls out Eliott´s sketch book and his drawing supplies, handing it to him. 

  
"I took it because you always like to draw some basic stuff in a way that it looks magical," says Lucas and shrugs when he sees Eliott´s confused face. "I thought you would want to draw this," he points from the window and Eliott looks outside for the first time they are on the way. 

  
He´s shocked. There, in the distance, are rocks sticking out of the ground and there´s grey and blue line of sea. There´s _sea_. They´re going to the sea! 

  
"What?" Eliott whispers, can´t tear his eyes away from it. "We´re... we´re going to the beach?" he asks and finally looks at Lucas, who sits there, biting his lips. "Are we?" 

  
Lucas looks out and back to Eliott and then he nods. Eliott squeaks so loud that it´s good they are alone in the coupe. He jumps at Lucas and hugs him tightly, pressing kisses all over his face. 

  
"Yes yes yes yes, I love you baby! I´m so happy!" he screams. "Best anniversary ever!"

  
...

  
Eliott learns why the bag was so big and so heavy. 

  
Lucas had there whole fucking tent. _Tent!_ And not the tiny one for two people sleeping next to each other, but much bigger version, tall that Eliott can easily stand there and not touching the ceiling and spacy enough for at least six people comfortably sleeping in there, not touching each other. 

  
They got out of the train and then Lucas led him for twenty minutes to one smaller beach, hidden between huge pieces of rocks.

  
"Here. Privacy," Lucas said as they put down the heavy bag, finally. He looked around and smiles. 

  
"How did you find this place?" Eliott wondered. "How could you possibly know that nobody will be here?" Eliott asked because they saw only few people on their way here and otherwise there´s literally noone. 

  
"I´m smart, remember?" said Lucas and Eliott loves him a little more. 

  
Eliott then asked where they will sleep and Lucas pulled out the tent. Then he hesitantly looked at Eliott. "Would you mind?" he asked. 

  
"Oh, fuck! No! I wouldn´t mind at all, this is just perfect!" Eliott screamed happily, jumped at Lucas and they fell to warm sand, Lucas´ giggles captured by Eliott´s lips. 

  
...

  
"Eliott," Lucas says. "I really don´t wanna ruin the mood but it´s late and we really need to build the tent before it´ll be dark."

  
Eliott sighs to Lucas´ neck. Then he lifts himself and pecks Lucas on his lips one more time before standing up and pulling Lucas with him. "Okay then," he sighs again. "Let´s get our new home stand in all his glory."

  
Lucas laughs and when he unfolds the tent, _then_ Eliott learns about how _big_ the tent actually is. 

  
"Um.. baby," Eliott says, connecting the thin sticks together. "Where did you get this huge tent?" 

  
Lucas looks at him, then back at the tent, biting his lips. "I can´t tell," he says after a minute. 

  
"What? Why couldn´t you?" Eliott frowns. 

  
"Uh... I...," Lucas sighs. "Okay, well... I stole it."

  
_What the fu-_

  
"You did what?" Eliott is shocked once again. "Why w- what- you, I mean, what?" 

  
Lucas shrugs, fiddling with the fabric in his hands. "I stole it from my childhood house. It was in the basement, nobody use it for years. I mean, my father doesn´t even know it exist," Lucas shrugs again. "Now it´s ours."

  
And Eliott, Eliott loves him a little more. 

  
...

  
LUCAS

  
Eliott on the beach looks like advertisement for Paradise. 

  
It´s sunset when they finish with the tent building. They sit on the beach next to each other, looking at the sun and clouds in pretty colors, orange, pink, purple, grey, and at some places even a little bit red.   
It´s beautiful, it really is. But Lucas can´t help it, when he looks at Eliott next to him, the smooth skin on his face glowing, his eyes sparkle like the brightest stars in the universe, Lucas can´t help but think that millions of sunsets can´t be even half that beautiful as Eliott is. 

  
"Look, baby, look how the sun kisses the horizon," says Eliott, pointing at the red sun, far far away from them and still it seems to be so close that you have to just reach your hand and...

  
"The sun kissing the sea there," says Lucas. "See how´s it blushing?" 

  
Eliott smiles wide and looks at Lucas with those eyes, eyes what could tell thousand stories. Lucas looks into them, waiting for Eliott to say something, but he doesn´t say a word. He´s just sitting there, knees up, forearms resting on them, looking at Lucas. And looking. And just looking. 

  
Lucas´ looking back at him and all he can think about is the gratefulness he feels to the universe who brought Lucas into that apartment next door to this boy. The universe, who brought Eliott into his life. 

  
They sit there until the sun is gone and sky is purple and azure and then a little longer until it´s completely dark, the sea is calm, whispering sweet words with the light wind. 

  
"Look there," Eliott says and points to the sky. Lucas tilts his head backwards and sees stars, stars twinkling in the night sky. Stars, what he never sees in the city, but here, out of pollution, away from city lights, now and here, he sees it. Okay yeah he puts on his glasses, but still, he sees them, he sees those lights of the past. And he´s stunned with the glory.

  
They lay down on the sand, still warm from the bright sun. They´re lying next to each other, watching the night sky and Lucas thinks, _how is this even possible? How can I be so lucky, how do I deserve this? This love, this happines, this peace?_

  
"Lucas," Eliott whispers. Lucas turns to him and finds Eliott already looking at him. "Lucas, thank you for this," he says softly. "I know I told you but I really, really love you, so much, I´m so grateful for you, every day of my life. I´m so happy you decided to just... let yourself fall into it, fall with me, fall to me-"

  
"Fall for you," Lucas says and Eliott smiles wider. 

  
"Yeah, maybe," he sighs. "But sometimes I just feel so much when I´m with you. I feel so much that sometimes I just don´t know how to handle it," Eliott says. Lucas suddenly can´t remember how to breathe. "I´m so in love with you, my little angel."

  
Lucas stares, he feels the urge to cry and cry and never stop, and he´s afraid that he would truly never stop crying, because he learned how to control it in the past months. So, when he feels the itching and burning in his eyes, he just shuts them close and leans forward to kiss Eliott.   
Eliott inhales against his lips and Lucas kisses him, Eliott kisses Lucas, they´re kissing, on the warm sand on the private beach. And the sky is so beautiful. 

  
"Lucas," Eliott gasps, brings his hands to Lucas´ face, to the back of his neck to hold him there, hold him closer, kissing him some more, his hand travel down Lucas´ spine to his lower back, pulling him closer and on top of Eliott. And Lucas goes. Of course he does. Like always. 

  
They get into the tent, there are blankets (lots of) and it´s warm in there, and cosy, and nice. Lucas reaches his hand to switch on the fairy lights he brought with them and hung them on the middle stick in the ceiling. There´s soft light in the tent now and when Lucas looks at Eliott, he´s breathtaking. He´s so _gorgeous_. 

  
Before Lucas can say as much, there´s Eliott, in his space, leaning down and kissing him. Who is Lucas to protest, when Eliott´s lips are magical?

When Lucas´ fingers brushing Eliott´s bare back, his shoulders, his hips and chest, his thighs, he feels content. When Eliott´s fingers brushing those hair away from Lucas´ forehead, tickling his skin with the softest touches of his lips, Lucas´ mind might fly away. 

  
"I´ll shower you with kisses," Eliott whispers to Lucas´ ear and kisses him there that Lucas´ gasps. 

  
"Yes, please," he whispers, hands slipping around Eliott´s middle, bringing him closer and it still isn´t close enough. "Come here, come _here_ ," he repeats even when it´s without any sense, because Eliott is right _there_. 

  
But, Eliott, somehow, understands, and he goes. He goes there. And _there_. And _there_. Again and again, he´s coming home, to Lucas. Where he belongs. 

  
"Happy six months anniversary, angel," he whispers and Lucas loves him, more than anything. 

  
...

  
Lucas is a little cold in the morning, and he shivers and shivers untill there´s warm body pressed against his. They sleep in the tent surrounded by amount of blankets and warmth of one another. And Eliott smells like caramel pudding, his arms are like the safest place for Lucas and his breath tickling Lucas´ neck in the cutest way possible. 

  
Lucas turns around in his embrace to see his face. Eliott´s still sleeping, breathing softly, eyes closed, but hands, hands hold Lucas tightly. When Lucas reaches his index and touches Eliott´s cheek, Eliott pulls him closer. And closer.   
With foreheads pressed together, Lucas falls asleep again. 

  
...

  
ELIOTT

  
 _Lucas_. 

  
What else should possibly be on Eliott´s mind? 

  
They wake up, they eat some breakfast, they go to explore the places around. They find out there´s literally noone around. The train station is about twenty minutes of walking away, first little shop with food is fifteen minutes away from their private beach, and the man in the fast food told them people start coming in June, but never before the first summer month. 

  
They are here all alone. They can enjoy themselves, they can be in peace with everything, they can do whatever they want. 

  
So, the second evening on the beach, while another beautiful colourful sunset shines above the horizon, Eliott strips himself, completely, and naked runs into the sea. It was very hot day, Eliott can´t believe the May only started. It was hot day and the sea is amazingly warm. 

  
"Come here, come here, Lucas, this is amazing!" he calls out at Lucas who just comes out of the tent, looking around Eliott´s clothes all over the sand. 

  
"How´s the water?" Lucas asks with smile. 

  
"Lifegiving," says Eliott, leaning on his back to let himself be carried by the water. He closes his eyes and smiles, because he was never more happy.   
Until there are arms around his waist and kiss pressed to his cheek. 

  
Then, then he´s happier. 

  
...

  
"Baby," Eliott whispers, caressing Lucas´ back up and down as he lies beside him. Lucas hums. Eliott knows he´s being maybe too much. But when he´s looking at Lucas, lying next to him like this with that sign of soft smile on his lips, looking enormly angelic under the fairylights, Eliott thinks he just wants to be with him forever. He wants to keep him forever. 

  
And yes, they´re dating for six months. They are together for six moths and Eliott´s thinking about being with him forever. 

  
"Baby," Eliott says again, Lucas hums and opens his eyes. "I want to ask you something."

  
Lucas blinks. Then he turns to face Eliott with his whole body, mirroring his position, lying on the side, hands under his head. "I´m listening," he says then. 

  
"You know, that we have that entrance to each other´s bedroom," Eliott starts. 

  
"Yes," Lucas says and smiles, probably with the memory, just like Eliott, about him breaking the wall to be closer to Lucas. What a fucking fool in love Eliott is. "Yes I remember that one," he giggles.

  
"Yeah," Eliott smiles too. "So we´re basically living with each other, right? I mean, we´re barely sleeping separately."

  
"That´s true," Lucas says. "I like it that way, to be honest," he smiles and looks at Eliott and then his smile is gone. "Unless.... Unless you need more space?" he asks and Eliott frowns. What? "Because I can give it to you, Eliott, I promise I´ll give you that, I can sleep in my bed and-"

  
"No, no no no," Eliott shakes his head, brings his hand to cup Lucas´ face. "That´s the last thing I would ever want," he says and Lucas relaxed. "I was thinking about... have a place without the hole in the wall?" 

  
"Sweetheart, you made the hole," Lucas says amused. "It was you, so I assumed you wanted that? Isn´t that pretty there? Don´t you like those yellow curtains we put over it?"

  
Eliott groans and Lucas giggles again. He´s adorable. 

  
"I just meant... If you want to have a place with me without... without two beds, without bunch of idiots digging for our cooking, without shared bathrooms and kitchens on both sides... you know?" Eliott says quietly. 

  
Lucas is silent for a while, Eliott´s searching in his eyes, can´t find anything. 

  
"You... you mean, move in together? To our place?" Lucas asks carefully as if he´d be afraid he got it wrong.   
But he didn´t. 

  
"Yes," says Eliott. "I know you love your friends, our friends, so much, and I won´t to take them away from you," Eliott assures him in hurry. "But there´s this place in our dormroom, in our floor actually, those third door in a hallway, you know? That place is empty. And it´s just perfect for us, I thought... And boys would be still very close to us."

  
Lucas doesn´t say anything. 

  
"So, they won´t be starving, if you´re afraid of this."

  
Lucas chuckles. And then he´s laughing. He´s laughing, his shoulders shaking, he brings his hands to cover his mouth but it´s not working, he´s laughing so much. 

  
"What?" Eliott says with his own smile creeping to his face. "What did I say so funny?" 

  
And Lucas laughs and he can´t stop and in his eyes are tears. And Eliott is afraid he said something bad, that he made Lucas cry, but Lucas just moves forward and wraps his arms around Eliott, his laughter is gone, and he sniffles to Eliott´s neck. 

  
"Are you okay, love? I´m sorry, did I say something bad?" Eliott asks, hugging him more and more and caressing his skin softly. 

  
"No," Lucas whispers. "I´m just so- I mean... I´m so happy," says Lucas to Eliott´s skin, like he would be scared to admit it.

  
"So, will you? Move in? With me?" Eliott asks again, just for sure. Lucas pulls away, fingers tracing Eliott´s nose, cheekbones, jawline, eyebrows, light touch on his eyelids. 

  
"Yes, yes, I will move in with you, my love, thank you, I love you," Lucas says and presses their foreheads together.   
Eliott lets out the holded breath.   
Lucas will move in with him. They will have their own place. Sleeping in _their_ bed instead of in Eliott´s _or_ Lucas´. Sleeping in the bedroom without a hole in the wall. 

  
"I love you too, my angel," Eliott says and kisses him. And then a thousand times more. 

  
...

  
"What would you think about living here?" Lucas asks when they´re outside again, staring at the night sky full of stars. Lucas in a moonlight looks ethereal. "We could live in the tent, we could make barbeque outside on our private beach, we could... we could do whatever we want."

  
"That´s amazing idea, actually," says Eliott because he can imagine it all in his head. Living in the tent on the beach in private bubble with Lucas. 

  
"Okay, we´ll talk about that later," Lucas smiles and Eliott nods. "Look, there´s Hercules," says Lucas and points at the sky. Eliott doesn´t know what Hercules means, so he asks Lucas and Lucas starts explaining. He´s telling him about the constellation, he tells him the story about greek hero Hercules and Eliott listens, watching his face, smiling like an absolut fool in love he is. 

  
  
And all those constellations on the night sky, all those stars, the sea, the sky, the nature, _everything_ , everything is _so_ beautiful, and still, the most beautiful from all, is _Lucas_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being here. Thank you for reading, thank you for your nice words.  
> Love you ♥  
> New chaptered fic coming soon soon soon. 
> 
> tumblr: briallenko

**Author's Note:**

> It´s so wierd to write a story without Eliott being head over heels in love with Lucas. It´s so wierd to write a story without Lucas being his little baby. I´m new at this content, okay? I don´t know a single shit about elu NOT being in LOVE love. 
> 
> Please be patient and have a mercy with me.
> 
> you can talk to me whenever you want about whatever you want on my tumblr: briallenko. I´m good at grumpy rambling and complaining about anything.


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